Dug myself a massive hole re DS and sports day, tell me what to do!

[marioncole]

DS is in year 6. In every sports day for the last 6 years he has come last at everything and his self-esteem is always rock bottom afterwards. It breaks my heart. All of the competitions are variations on running races. I've campaigned for the school to try and bring more variety in because if you're slow at running then you're always going to come last, but nothing has changed.

So I've been dreading this one because I know DS is dreading it. Then last week I decided (without really thinking it through) that I would fabricate an appointment at the same time as sports day which has been in the diary for ages. I asked DS whether he would like me to cancel the appointment so that he could go to sports day, he was over the moon that he wouldn't have to do it.

So my plan (in retrospect not a good one) was to pick DS up from school for his appointment, then tell him it didn't exist.

I saw his teacher this morning and she asked me whether DS really had an appointment because he'd told her he wouldn't be able to do sports day. I told he that yes, the appointment had been in the diary for ages.

The thing I hadn't really properly thought through was that DS is going to have to lie when he gets back to school about said non-existent appointment. That's not fair on him. The teacher is clearly already sceptical, so she may very well ask him about it.

So what do I do?

1. Now claim the appointment has been cancelled?
2. Tell DS the truth and ask him what he wants to do?
3. Keep with the original plan?

I was only doing it to protect his feelings but I've got a horrible feeling I've made it all worse.

Don't shout at me!

My poor Ds suffered the annual humiliation of the Primary sports day. He has congenital heart disease and was told not to participate in 'endurance' sports. For some reason he felt obliged to join in as much as he could on the day, and always came last (although one year he came 3rd in beanbag throwing). Matters were made worse by the fact that his elder sister was extremely good at sports, and frequently the star of the show/team captain/always picked first etc.
Unfortunately, when he got to Secondary, things got worse, as they refused to allow him to participate in any way (something about insurance liability), so in yr7 he sat out in the sun all sports day and got sunstroke! That was it as far as I was concerned, and he never attended another (much to his relief).
For the next 6 years (including 6th form) he always had a convenient illness on sports day and no-one ever queried it.
Interestingly he has attended a gym throughout 4 years of Uni, and now aged 22 is able to do certain sports that facilitate his own particular strengths.
I really do feel for both of you - sports day is its own special kind of hell.

At the risk of sounding weird, why is everyone so keen on the OP's ds having ice cream?

Because you NEVER get to have ice cream with your mum on a school day! That would be epic when you're 10 or 11!

My mum was great. I was mysteriously "ill" every sports day for 7 years at senior school... she always wrote me a note to take in the day after!

Why do you think he comes last? Is he chubby or unfit or has he got a physical problem?

My DS was always last in the sprints as he has a disability that affects how "springy" he is, but was mid pack in the longer races because he is very fit and so many kids are very unfit nowadays.

Would it be worth working on his fitness to help in the future?

I fully agree with you taking him out by the way, there's nothing to be gained in him coming last and hating it.

I wouldn’t (and haven’t) lie. I make it clear that my kids won’t participate in things which I feel will damage them in some way and that includes their self esteem.

I guess the icecream in our minds go some way to making it up to DS why he shouldn't be at school joining in, if only they would set up in such a way that didn't embarrass and humiliate him.

Op should not have to 'invent' lies to protect her ds from this, at primary level they should all just enjoy participating with no pressure.

It is just a day for sporty kids to show off, and non sporty kids to feel like failures.

OP - you need to stop worrying.

I am a registered professional. If you want I can bloody phone you in the morning and loudly cancel whatever appointment you pretended to make. Just DM me.

Get a “phone call” cancelling the appointment

Be so cross that you go out for lunch x

I think lots of kids hate sports day because it is often so competitive, so much shouting from parents and other kids, lots of guilt tripping and nastiness if you come last (I've worked a lot in schools and this kind of bullying always happens and is usually dimissed in the name of acceptable competitivness)And parents can be as vile as the children in terms of being nasty to kids who can't run fast.

When my DD was at primary school, sports day was just going round a series of 'stations' where you did an activity with no pressure (things like quoits or monkey bars or scrambling through hoops etc. Some of the stations were a cup of squash and a biscuit and some were rest stations. It was really good fun and my DD (who has asthma and is not remotely competitive or sporty) thoroughly enjoyed it.

Of course all children have things they are not especially good at. But if that happens to be english or art or geography, you don't have to display your lack of talent in front of a bunch of shouting parents and other kids and you don't overtly 'come last'.

I personally would tell the school I was taking him out because sports day stresses him out and they could mark it down as unauthorised absence if they wanted to. Assuming his attendance is otherwise OK, it's not a big deal. But since you;ve invented an appointment, I'd take him out of school and have a sudden cancellation too late to take him back to sports day. Then have a nice afternoon out together.

School sports seems to be intrinsically designed to make less able children feel shit, and fro some reason that's deemed OK when it wouldn;t be in any other part of the curriculum.

TinklyLittleLaugh My dd is very skinny and as fit as anything (she plays sports of some kind every day. Swimming, riding, tennis etc) but she can not run very well at all, no physical reason apart from just not being terribly tall or athletic.

As almost everything except the bean bag throw is to do with running it is impossible to win any race and she will usually come last.

We had similar in primary school with the annual swimming gala. DS can swim but hates swimming lessons. He’s not fast, always came last etc. In Yr 5 I told the teacher he was dreading it and I was taking him out for the day. She completely understood as she had been the same at school.

I also think just tell him on the morning that you got the dates mixed up/it was cancelled and say it is too late to go in. He doesn't have to lie. Have a nice day (doing something active if you feel guilty) and be glad he is glad.

The school may suspect, but who cares?

Book an appointment (eye test or whatever) and if she confrontes you about the change say that you got the appointments mixed up. That way DS doesn’t have to lie and you still had an appointment.

You’re having an argument with yourself over this op. I would do this for my ds without blinking an eye. If it makes you feel better get someone to call you to cancel the appointment once you have picked him up. I hope you and your ds have a nice time whatever’s you decide to do

My eldest isn’t very good at sports day. I told her last year when I wasn’t working that if she wanted to be off I would just take her out of school to go riding instead (a sport she is good at) I told School as well. She decided she wanted to do sports day

I completely understand your instinct to protect your ds but I think you are setting a bad example to him that it's ok to lie to get out of things you don't like. Could come back to bite you in a big way.

TBH, I feel really angry with your school! I hated school sports day but luckily my parents let me skive off! Honestly, all these things do is teach kids like me and DS that they are crap at sports! Luckily after school I found out that there were other physical things that I did enjoy, that were not competitive. But school came very close to turning me into a life long coach potato.
Next year, if I were you, I would just tell school the truth about why I was keeping him off.

Don't teachers need any understanding of child psychology before they are let loose on kids?

The most impressive thing I saw at a year 6 sports day was one of the boys who hated it walking the track and crawling under the hurdles. He will go far I think with confidence like that.

He is in year 6 now, does it really matter what they think anymore.

My ten year old is trying to come up with reasons to get out of her sports day on Wednesday. Currently she has a 'broken toe'. She isn't a sporty girl. She just isn't.

Who cares if they think you are lying? Honestly, the control some of these schools think they have over us. I have my child's teacher telling me he must be in school next min and Tues evening for an assembly, no excuses. Well he won't be there!

TinklyLittleLaugh he's as skinny as a whippet and he's fit from doing lots of non-school-like sports, like kayaking and climbing. He hates football, hates running (as do I). We're long-limbed and our arms and legs flail about when we run.

I wish my mum would've rescued me from sports day. It was mortifying and I got teased for weeks.

My DD came last in every sports day race R-year 5. In year 6 he came first and second in two races. Think the others had burned out by year 6. I would say the appointment has been postponed and he does sports day.

Luckily in secondary school it seems to be more as hoc and our DS isn't even doing sports day this year! Only a few from each form put themselves forward. The rest do usual lessons

Also, our day was split into houses/colours too and people would get really upset and be horrible to you for losing points for the team!