To wonder when to tell DH that enough is enough?

[Havethewishiwishtonight]

My DH was always affectionate, funny and generally lovely to be around. Something changed a few months ago, he became withdrawn from me and family life in general, and I was (and still am) devastated. We've become just two people living in the same house, nothing more, nothing less.

Lots of things have been said, but if i ask him outright what the problem is, he won't say. First he said it was my attitude towards him, so i became more aware of that and changed - now everything's been fine for months. Next he said that he didn't feel appreciated by myself or the children - I told him of course he is, and we show him that in all the things we do for him and how much we love him.

Now everything has become about 'his money' and how I don't have a job. We have two young DC who have recently started school, one of whom has special needs and only attends part time. I do everything around the house, he doesn't lift a finger, as well as 95% of the childcare, even on weekends. My DS with special needs cannot be left in childcare so i am trying my hardest to find a job that is on certain days, and only within very specific hours (which is proving extremely difficult).

I find my DH very resentful of me. He resents that the children favour me, he resents that I am a sahm, even though I contribute just as much as he does to family life. He has withdrawn all affection, will not initiate sex, will not speak to me unless he has something to say. It is just devastating.

I just wonder whether when I get a job, it still won't be enough for him. Will there just be some other excuse why he can't make more effort and be my husband?

AIBU to wonder when enough is enough?

I think it would be helpful to find a way to leave him in sole charge for a day in two. Then he might see what you are actually doing all day.

Everything Tambien wrote.

He just sounds like one of the many self absorbed, totally dismissive and quite frankly unkind men I read about so often in this section.

The message we seem to be needing to give to our daughters in the future is never sacrifice or expect anything. Even marriage doesn’t protect them in many ways as it doesn’t help build their careers back up. I have a very young daughter and it really worries me.

I have two sons as well and it will break my heart if one of them ever treats a women like some are on here.

He sounds insufferable. What do you actually love about him? He's withholding affection, resents you, doesn't lift a finger in the house and has conditioned you and the DC to treat him like a king.

What did he do you Mother's Day?

Time to get angry. ‘I can see you’re unhappy darling, I think it’s best we separate whilst we decide what we want.’

I name change all the time but have been on MN for nearly 8 years now. I’ve seen many variations of this OP during that time and without exception it has turned out to be an affair every time.

It’s so classic. He’s detaching. He’s checked out of family life. He’s demonising you for not working, even though it’s perfectly clear why it’s not practical for you to do so.

Do not do the pick me dance. When he tells you that you don’t appreciate him and don’t contribute and blah blah blah, he doesn’t actually want you to fix those things, he says it because if he believes those things to be true he can give himself permission to have an affair. If you got a job, he would just have to move the goalposts again so that he could continue justifying it.

So don’t bother doing the ‘pick me’ dance. From what you posted he sounds like a useless, cruel cunt and you’d be much better off making plans to leave him. It doesn’t sound like he’d be any great loss since you do all the housework and childcare anyway.

Please stop letting him wipe his feet on you

If you get a job that won't be good enough for him either. The goal posts will simply keep moving

Fact is, he despises you. The respect has gone. Possibly because he has found someone else he "respects" more, possibly because he is simply an arsehole. Either way, it's time for you to plan your own exit strategy before he drops his on you like a timebomb.

I'm so sorry OP, but I'm another saying this sounds like an affair. I was going to link "the script" but realised someone already has. Read it, it might seem familiar.

My advice would be to stay quiet and not show him your hand. Scour his phone and banking records for evidence first, otherwise he'll hide it better and try to convince you that you are mad etc.

If you get a job - which as you say will be very hard given the constraints - he will just use that against you too, within the relationship or in negotiations upon separating.

Your resources would be better spent on investigating your potential housing and financial position as a single parent and getting legal advice.

Yep, agree with PPs. Classic mid-life crisis scenario, wife is boring, nobody appreciates me, all this money I earn goes to provide lifestyle to other folks, my money isn’t for me or my enjoyment.

You won’t be able to do right for doing wrong, I afraid, even if you bust your gut trying. No point playing the pick me game. Even men who have been through this have said it on here before.

The only way I am afraid is not taking any sh*t from the ‘suddenly distant’ spouse. It is emphatically not your fault or what you are not doing right.

Highly likely this was brought on by an exciting new woman crossing his path. Don’t tolerate, don’t appease, it will only make matters worse. Your partner is trying to convince himself that the fault lies not with him. Reject any suggestions of this sort outright. Jolt him back into reality!

Realising it's over is the hard part done, the more difficult part is letting go. Does sound like he's got someone buzzing in his ear, and he'd only listen if he too has gotten to the point now were he's had enough. Time to make him sit down, when you can talk by yourselves and get this situation sorted. Whatever the outcome, it's got to be better than living in a house were you can cut the tension with a knife. Good luck.

Sadly I also would check finances in order and that you have copies/are aware of all financial matters first. (?no secret debts)

If he is off at the weekend and it wouldn't cause undue distress to your DCs. I think I'd leave him to it on Friday night and come back Sunday night. I wouldn't get everything ready for him before you go, just as it is.

If all this resentment and "coolness" is just towards you (and not to family /friends others etc) then marriage counseling. Either it is guilt or he is trying to break up with you or both.

If he isn't keen to go then I'd say enough is enough.

Anyone in a couple who dares to try to excuse the fact that they're being an utter arse (and a lazy one at that) because of the pressure of being the sole breadwinner can go take a running jump. There are a hell of a lot of single-parent families where one person is the sole breadwinner and also does everything else - all the housework, admin, childcare, emotional load-carrying, the lot. And they can't be utter arses about it because they have no handy live-in human target to treat like shit.

I'm trying not to be sexist here but ime it is almost invariably the bloke who tries to pull this one. If your DH does, don't let him get away with that particular brand of bullshit.

Tambien, children don't suffer from childcare. Due to my work in schools, I know several special needs nannies. They are dedicated and motivated people who work for a low wage for the love of children, and have actively chosen to work with children with special needs. Rubbish childcare causes children to suffer, but good and caring childcare is perfectly fine.
And yes, women (and men) do have to go out to work if there is no one who is prepared to financially support them. And SAHMs often do go back when their children are in school - a child in school doesn't need someone sitting at home.

*you're entitled to 20% of his income

For two children the current CMS rate is 16% of gross income.

and carer's allowance

I'm afraid not. The fact her son has special needs does not entitle the OP to carer's allowance. He needs to be receiving certain benefits which is unlikely. The OP is entitled to other benefits but, on the information posted here, she isn't going to get carer's allowance.*

If the OPs child has sen to the point where he's on a reduced timetable at school, he would certainly be entitled to DLA at middle rate at least, which opens the entitlement to carer's allowance.

And yes, of course - if the OP goes back to work and does the same number of hours as her DH, then he should step in and do half the housework. Maybe he'd be happy to do this in exchange for being able to give up the pressure of being the mental strain of being the only breadwinner for a family of four.

I feel bruised on your behalf just reading this. When you love someone, you don't beat them down emotionally in the way he is doing to you. I'd tell him that, and ask if he really wants to be together. You've done enough adjusting of yourself to his demands - you do work as hard as him and running yourself ragged for money you don't need on top of that work will do no-one any favours. He needs to treat you with love and respect and if he can't then I would consider leaving for sure. You - like everyone - deserve much, much better.

'And yes, of course - if the OP goes back to work and does the same number of hours as her DH, then he should step in and do half the housework. Maybe he'd be happy to do this in exchange for being able to give up the pressure of being the mental strain of being the only breadwinner for a family of four.'

Do you seriously think he'll actually do his share, given that he does pretty much nothing at all right now?

This doesn't sound like an affair to me, and I can't help wondering whether there is some sort of a financial problem he isn't telling you about. Is he under threat of redundancy or something like that? Could he be gambling? Some sort of 'investment' that's gone wrong?

"a child in school doesn't need someone sitting at home."

If you actually bothered to read, the child is only in part time.

Of course there are just an abundance of not even part time jobs within school hours, only in term time. Why oh why didn't the op think of that?!

Put bluntly, he's never going to appreciate all that you do if he only has sole care of his children once or twice a year for a couple of hours! He clearly does not respect the role you have keeping his family stable. It could be an affair could be mental health, existentialism, but none of them excuse the fact he doesn't appreciate you! It seems like you've lost your backbone, would you have put up with this prior to your children? Why doesn't he WANT to spend time alone with them simply being Dad?

Cherchez la femme

Try relate?