To wonder when to tell DH that enough is enough?

[Havethewishiwishtonight]

My DH was always affectionate, funny and generally lovely to be around. Something changed a few months ago, he became withdrawn from me and family life in general, and I was (and still am) devastated. We've become just two people living in the same house, nothing more, nothing less.

Lots of things have been said, but if i ask him outright what the problem is, he won't say. First he said it was my attitude towards him, so i became more aware of that and changed - now everything's been fine for months. Next he said that he didn't feel appreciated by myself or the children - I told him of course he is, and we show him that in all the things we do for him and how much we love him.

Now everything has become about 'his money' and how I don't have a job. We have two young DC who have recently started school, one of whom has special needs and only attends part time. I do everything around the house, he doesn't lift a finger, as well as 95% of the childcare, even on weekends. My DS with special needs cannot be left in childcare so i am trying my hardest to find a job that is on certain days, and only within very specific hours (which is proving extremely difficult).

I find my DH very resentful of me. He resents that the children favour me, he resents that I am a sahm, even though I contribute just as much as he does to family life. He has withdrawn all affection, will not initiate sex, will not speak to me unless he has something to say. It is just devastating.

I just wonder whether when I get a job, it still won't be enough for him. Will there just be some other excuse why he can't make more effort and be my husband?

AIBU to wonder when enough is enough?

Surely the thing that has changed is that your children are now in school? If you have a lot of money, as you say you have, then why don't you get a job and get a special needs nanny for the days when your children are not in school? I think its perfectly reasonable for someone to be prepared to support their spouse to stay at home for a certain amount of time, but not to be prepared to do this forever.

If you have more years off work, it will become even harder for you to ever work, and he'll have to support you forever. And why should he do that? If you then divorced, e.g. after 10 years, he might well end up having to pay spousal maintenance as you could claim (wrongly) that you staying at home was a joint decision. He's supported you for 5 years, which is a long time and much more than a lot of men are prepared to support someone for.

he changed completely when we went on holiday. He was happy again, and 80% back to being the old DH

I think this is significant. Is he stressed at work?

And / or did you previously agree that you would be a long term SAHM? Or had he assumed / you had said that you would return to work once both children were at school? It's hard with a child who has SN and doesn't attend school full time I wonder if your DH hadn't anticipated being the sole earner long term and the reality is sinking in? You say you have no financial worries, but it's still a lot of pressure to be the sole breadwinner and feel that the buck stops with you financially

harsh I never said we had a lot of money - just that we're in a (just about) comfortable enough position that we haven't had to worry about me working as well as looking after DC.

Your OP is pretty much word for word what my XH was saying when he was having an affair. He's already shipped out by the sound of things.

Looking back if I'd known before he actually ran off, I would have got my finances organized, made sure he couldn;t take all the money and consulted a solicitor to find out my rights in the event of divorce (otherwise he will try to tell you what you can or can't do - so forewarned is forearmed).

I'm really sorry, it is a shit place to be, but I would put money on there being another woman. There's nothing you can change about yourself because he is just looking for excuses to justify his behaviour, If you get a job, he will find another stick to beat you with.

Harshbuttrue I wouldn't say he's supporting her, the Op is bringing up their children. Who did he expect would bring up the children?

Ah Harsh living up to your name as ever I see.

OP when he's complained about the children always wanting you, have you pointed out why that is?

When he's said about you getting a job, what has been discussed about taking off sick days and holidays to look after them? Obviously he considers all that your duty, but have you pointed out that he will have to step up sometimes, and if he won't, then you can't get a job.

just as an aside, you're entitled to 20% of his income, and carer's allowance should you decide that you don't want to share your home with someone who treats you like unwanted furniture

This 'pressure of being a sole breadwinner' thing is total and utter bollocks.

Yes it's hard to be the only one bringing in money.

But.

While he's out being the breadwinner, the OP is at home doing absolutely everything for him and his children, she is essentially his servant. So in essence he's better off than a single man doing the same job. Yes the financial pressure is higher, but it's still the case that the doesn't have to look after his own children or wash his own pants. So for him to complain and make the OP feel like she's useless in that circumstances is so fucking low I don't know how anyone could defend him.

What is with these deluded men who want SAHMs to go back to work while still expecting to treat their house like a hotel with a built in nannybot?

Yes the OP could go back to work but then the DH would have to step the fuck up and do his share of housework and childcare. I'd bet he has no intention whatsoever of doing that. Not only does he want his bum wiped, he wants his bum wiper to also pay for the privilege of being his skivvy.

colditz I already caim carer's allowance, so I am contributing somewhat. Why would I be entitled to 20% of his income though?

Raising his kids is not quite the same as him 'supporting you'. Clearly someone had to raise them.

OP I think it's time to sit him down and tell him that you won't put up with being treated like a disappointment any more, that if he's not happy he can leave. He has no right to make you feel this way and you don't have to jump around trying to please him when he doesn't acknowledge a single thing you do. If he's depressed he can go to the GP and get some help. If it's an OW (and I think there is at least someone he has his eye on) then he can fuck off to her and see how long she'll wash his pants before he considers her to be a failure too.

@Havethewishiwishtonight you say he's a terrible liar. I thought the exact same thing about my exP, that he couldn't lie to me because of certain ticks that'd give him away.

He lied. And hid it extremely well.

If it's something that he really wants to do he will cover his tracks in every way possible. I'm not saying it's certainly an affair, but please cover all bases in case it is.

Don't be left in the lurch.

And stop letting him treat you like a skivvy! You do enough around the house as it is with 100% of childcare, housework, cooking...
If he doesn't think you're working hard enough, then stop doing EVERYTHING that you do (just not at detriment to the kids.)
Let him see exactly how much work you put in and just how quickly things turn to shit when you stop.

My first thought is that he’s always had in the back of his mind the expectation that you would return to work when your youngest started school. Was that something that was ever discussed when you first became a sahm? And that he thinks being a sahm to school age children is a bit of a lark. So now that time has come and you’re ‘still at home’, so he feels you’re ‘taking advantage’.

Whether or not there’s someone feeding his resentment, who knows? But I think you’d better talk to him about whether he’s been expecting you to return to work all along and just never told you.

why don't you get a job and get a special needs nanny for the days when your children are not in school? I think its perfectly reasonable for someone to be prepared to support their spouse to stay at home for a certain amount of time, but not to be prepared to do this forever.
Actually that sounds an excellent idea.
The Op could even go back full time too.
And then DEMAND that her H actually shares all the parenting and housework 50/50 because surely, she can’t be expected to do all that in her own forever either.
And also expect him to do half of the visits to the GP/hospitals/time off when the dcs are ill of course. You see he can just expect him to have life facilitated like this forever and to never step in a father. That wouod be totally unacceptable and disrespectful.

Ha, yes it’s quite possible (or certain?) that her wage will not cover the cost if the special need nanny. Also quite possible that the child with SN will suffer from that arrangement. I mean if that child with SN can’t actually attend school full time due their SN, it’s clearly because the issue they have are small and négligeable.
But who cares? The most important thing is that the OP, as a woman, cannot expect to be supported for ever. Not that her DH has massively benefited from her support by looking after two young children, incl one that couldn’t be left in childcare. The fact her DH was allowed to be able to carry in working has nothing to do with the fact the OP stepped up and looked after the dcs either. He has never benefited from never having to lift a finger, do some cleaning etc....

I have to say I despair when I read that’s sort of posts. It’s as if the work women do at home that support and facilitate their H is never enough. Or so taken for granted that it doesn’t exist.
Great :(:(

I told him yesterday that I was going to start working soon. I had come up with a small business idea. He scoffed at that and said it was a pretend job that wasn't going to pay the bills :(

Is your name on the house?

you're entitled to 20% of his income

For two children the current CMS rate is 16% of gross income.

and carer's allowance

I'm afraid not. The fact her son has special needs does not entitle the OP to carer's allowance. He needs to be receiving certain benefits which is unlikely. The OP is entitled to other benefits but, on the information posted here, she isn't going to get carer's allowance.

I am not thinking affair, more wow me I have to work hard, coming from him, Does he ever look after the children and the house by himself, could you arrange for a weekend for him to be sole carer, Lots of ppl think oh youngest is now in school, time for the mother to arrange a new career immediately. He is been ridiculous.

My BIL is like this, DSIS is a sahm, he sits with a grumpy face like no one understands his hardship going to work, though is a sneaky abusive asshole.

I've changed my mind OP. He's an arsehole. Just tell him to fuck off.

Sorry - I see you are already gettnig carer's allowance. I had assumed from the limited information posted that you wouldn't be entitled. I shouldn't assume.

Is your name on the house

As they are married the house is regarded as an asset of the marriage regardless of whether or not it is in the OP's name. Should she divorce she will be entitled to a fair share of the assets.

He works full time.

You :

Cook (20 hrs a week)
Clean/tidy (20 hrs a week)
Childcare (40 hrs a week)
Life admin (10 hrs a week)
Garden (5 hrs a week)
Shopping for groceries (3 hrs a week at least? )

See where I'm going with this?

He does fuck all in the house, if he had to pay someone to do all the shit you do, HE COULD NOT AFFORD IT. He'd have to do some of it himself.

Thanks bridge, missed that they are indeed married.

I'm sorry but this reads to me like there is someone else involved. However, if there isn't and you really want to rescue the situation you may want to see if he is willing to consider relationship counselling.

Sounds like he is or already has fallen out of love with you