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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder when to tell DH that enough is enough?

393 replies

Havethewishiwishtonight · 18/06/2018 10:41

My DH was always affectionate, funny and generally lovely to be around. Something changed a few months ago, he became withdrawn from me and family life in general, and I was (and still am) devastated. We've become just two people living in the same house, nothing more, nothing less.

Lots of things have been said, but if i ask him outright what the problem is, he won't say. First he said it was my attitude towards him, so i became more aware of that and changed - now everything's been fine for months. Next he said that he didn't feel appreciated by myself or the children - I told him of course he is, and we show him that in all the things we do for him and how much we love him.

Now everything has become about 'his money' and how I don't have a job. We have two young DC who have recently started school, one of whom has special needs and only attends part time. I do everything around the house, he doesn't lift a finger, as well as 95% of the childcare, even on weekends. My DS with special needs cannot be left in childcare so i am trying my hardest to find a job that is on certain days, and only within very specific hours (which is proving extremely difficult).

I find my DH very resentful of me. He resents that the children favour me, he resents that I am a sahm, even though I contribute just as much as he does to family life. He has withdrawn all affection, will not initiate sex, will not speak to me unless he has something to say. It is just devastating.

I just wonder whether when I get a job, it still won't be enough for him. Will there just be some other excuse why he can't make more effort and be my husband?

AIBU to wonder when enough is enough?

OP posts:
elephantscanring · 18/06/2018 12:02

Yeah, sounds like an affair. But he doesn't want tot tell you about it so he's behaving so badly that you will eventually get fed up and dump him, then he can claim the moral high ground...

Or he's had a sudden personality transplant. But an affair is likelier...

OP, I synpathise. It sounds exhausting. You do all the housework, all the looking after dc, try to please him in bed and he's still not fucking happy?

Have you asked him how to find childcare and time for you to work? Actually, don't bother - if you did, he'd just find something else to moan about.

Have you considered saying that because of his recent attitude you need some time to go away and think about your relationship and what you want, that he needs to book a week holiday and you go away leaving all of the parenting and house stuff to him.

This ^^

Original poster
Havethewishiwishtonight · 18/06/2018 12:02

busybarbara Funnily enough, he changed completely when we went on holiday. He was happy again, and 80% back to being the old DH.

OP posts:
elephantscanring · 18/06/2018 12:03

He just wants me to work as hard as he does.

Then he needs to realise that YOU ALREADY DO, and if he can't do that then he needs to leave.

This ^^

Sounds like he wants you to be as miserable as he is...

expatinscotland · 18/06/2018 12:04

I think he's having an affair.

busybarbara · 18/06/2018 12:09

he changed completely when we went on holiday

This steers me right away from affair and into life dissatisfaction or career worries. He may just be incredibly preoccupied and poorly attempting to insulate you from what he perceives the problem to be. You really need to hammer this out with him even if it has to turn into a blazing row to crack him open.

Trinity66 · 18/06/2018 12:13

This steers me right away from affair

Why? could be that if he's away from the OW or potential OW that he's able to remember that he's got a family and wife. I'm not saying it is an affair btw, I just don't think it's that obvious that isn't one either

feelingfree17 · 18/06/2018 12:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GabriellaMontez · 18/06/2018 12:18

I agree. Lay it out for him. Ask him frankly about an affair. Say what you've said here about the holiday.

Let him know you're not feeling appreciated either and things have to change or it's over.

Take precautions first and get copies/photos of documents and account numbers.

His behaviour is unacceptable. It's no way to live.

ohtheholidays · 18/06/2018 12:18

There is someone else and the pushing you to get a job is so he can feel a bit better about himself when he leaves ie she has some money of her own coming in now.

The blaming you for everything is part of the script it's so he can use that as his excuse when he's left,it's the blame game it's because he wants to paint himself as the victim!

I know that's not what you want to hear but honestly you will be fine!

Please don't do the pick me dance because that just gives him even more control and power over you and your DC than he's already got and then if he still decides to leave your left feeling crushed!

I was a single parent to 4DC,1 of my DC was disabled and I was pregnant(when I left the relationship I didn't know I was pregnant I found out a week later that I was 3 months gone because I was still breastfeeding my DS 11 months)my 4th DC was the pregnancy.You can do this you honestly can,it's not always going to be easy but it is doable and some of my 4 older DC's best memories and mine are from when I was on my own with them.

Do what I never had the chance to do start getting your Ducks in a row and don't let him know that's what your doing,find out what your entitled to,what he'll have to give you and what emotional and physical support you can get.

Just don't let him make you break yourself and your DC by trying to be what he says he wants because you'd have more chance of finding a Unicorn than making him change his mind. Flowers

BrendasUmbrella · 18/06/2018 12:21

My DF was always a different man on holiday too. Maybe because he was stuck there with us and knew it would be futile to fabricate a row with DM to sneak away for a few hours.

We can't state for a fact that he's cheating, but something is making him dissatisfied and detached, and you owe it to your dc's security to try and find out whether he's making a mental exit plan, for whatever reason. If it truly is that he resents working full time and you not working, then he needs to come up with some ideas, not try to sulk you into compliance - especially when he does nothing at home and therefore probably has no idea at all of the effort it takes to keep a house and family running smoothly.

Tambien · 18/06/2018 12:24

Unfortunateky my first reaction was an affair too.

If it’s not, then can I ask?
Whe;is the last time he has been left in sole charge of both dcs?
When is the last time he has been left in sole charge of the Dcs AND the house/housework/meal prep/washing?
Does he have any idea of how hard it is for you and how much work you are putting in?

When he says he wants you to work, has he also said how he is going to support you doing That?

I find the way he is always finding something else that is wrong, always putting you in the wrong footing and making you feel like YOU are the one who is doing everything wrong really distasteful tbh.
What about HIM? Is he perfect, does he not have any efforts to do so he can improve your relationship?

And why, why is it that when you ar away in hols, then everything is ok? Surely if you were such a pain to be around, it would still be the case whilst you are away (actually I would expect it to be even worse as you word be together all the time)

BrendasUmbrella · 18/06/2018 12:24

Take precautions first and get copies/photos of documents and account numbers.

This. In fact take copies of all important documents and store them in a fire proof envelope. If he does find them and ask, you can say it's for security in case you ever lost the originals, and if nothing else that's honestly useful anyway!

StillNoClue · 18/06/2018 12:28

Possibly a different perspective, you mentioned you did all the childcare, even on weekends and the children obviously respond to you more. Have you suggested he takes them out for a morning or afternoon on a Saturday (basically something that is just them and him). Maybe he feels he's pushed out of family life?

gendercritter · 18/06/2018 12:31

The way our society is set up, women with young children with special needs aren't often employed. You would be highly unusual if you manage to secure a decent job and hold it down over the course of several needs. I'm being very blunt but it's the truth. There's nothing wrong with saying you're needed at home and you already work hard. He sounds depressed by the daily grind but that's life life with young children isn't it? (I don't have any)

I don't believe you need to change. Why should women bust a gut changing for fuckwit men? He needs to find some courage and say if he wants out (I'd say he does from here). Otherwise he needs to communicate to you how you could work together to improve things that doesn't involve you going out to work on top of the current, very important, job you're doing.

gendercritter · 18/06/2018 12:31

Several needs = several years Blush

Original poster
Havethewishiwishtonight · 18/06/2018 12:34

Tambien Sole charge of both DCs? Probably once or twice a year for an hour maximum. He doesn't care though because he just sits on his phone...

Sole charge of DCs and household? Never. He wouldn't have a clue.

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 18/06/2018 12:36

DH just wants me to work as hard as he does.

You do bloody work as hard as he does, probably harder. Parenting a SEN child is relentless and bloody hard work in itself , without everything else on top.

Unless your DH is going to step up and do his share of the housework and child care, don't get a job outside the home OP; you will be on your knees.

Your so called "D"H is a selfish twat. And I would not dismiss the possibility of an affair already happening or waiting to happen.

SuperMumTum · 18/06/2018 12:37

I think he's attracted to someone else and although not having an affair is thinking the grass looks greener. I would stop tiptoeing around him.

BrendasUmbrella · 18/06/2018 12:41

He doesn't care though because he just sits on his phone...

And how is a child supposed to appreciate a parent who pays no attention to them...

Do you have access to his phone by the way?

FizzyGreenWater · 18/06/2018 12:44

Sole charge of DCs and household? Never. He wouldn't have a clue.

Then I suggest that next time he treats you like a piece of shit on his shoe, you reply:

'Fine. If it's so fucking easy and I just sit on my arse all day, why don't I fuck right off out of your sight for a bit. It'll be bliss. No Twatty Wife getting in the way, just you and the dead easy job of looking after DC alone plus doing the house stuff for a couple of days - that bit's going to be a piece of piss obvs, just like you keep telling me, you're the one who works hard, not like me... See you soon. Have a think maybe, while I'm gone. We can easily make this permanent.'

And leave. I'd have a bag ready tbh.

Don't contact him. Go to a hotel for at least 24 hours.

If he immediately hands the dc over to parents or whatever fine, the point stands. He can't do your job because he has no clue how to and it's not easy at all.

stilltryingstillfailing · 18/06/2018 12:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Magicpaintbrush · 18/06/2018 12:47

Eurgh. So many men are so predictable. I've seen this so many times over the years with friends and acquaintances, where the wife is either a sahm or earning less than her husband and they get all puckered up about it whilst at the same time totally taking for granted that their wife is doing 95% of all the childcare and housework, placing absolutely zero value on that contribution to family life simply because it's not financial. It's disgusting. What they always completely fail to realise is that it is their wife's life has had to change dramatically in order to facilitate the having of children whilst the husband just carries on as usual - it never occurs to them that their wife has sacrificed their career and financial independence, and that in having children she has lost other things which were important to her - including the now smaller state pension she will receive as she is unable to make NI contributions. And so after all of the hard work, effort and sacrifice the wife makes she then gets nothing but contempt from the DH because he's the one who is out 'working' and therefore thinks he has got it tougher.

And I agree with the other posters who think he may be looking elsewhere, so sorry OP. There is a predictability to some men's behaviour which is quite depressing. You deserve much better.

Ellie56 · 18/06/2018 12:48

He doesn't care though because he just sits on his phone...

No wonder the kids favour you OP! What exactly does he bring to their lives or family life in general? Not a lot from what I can see, just a lot of grief to you, and another child to look after. He is waste of space.

I think enough is enough already. Stop putting up with his crap. You are worth far more than this! Angry

AsleepAllDay · 18/06/2018 12:48

You DO work as hard as he does.

Fuck, I'd love my only responsibility to be 8 hours in the office with tea and lunch breaks, while someone else raises my children, runs the home, organises their lives, does my laundry and cooks my meals, makes my bed & is a loving and appreciate partner who tells and shows me (as you do) how great I am

Fucking hell. He's taking the piss by miles.

NapQueen · 18/06/2018 12:49

"DH I already work as hard as you. Its just a different type of work which you cant understand as you dont do it. If you are not ok with the status quo then there is the door."

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