To wonder when to tell DH that enough is enough?

[Havethewishiwishtonight]

My DH was always affectionate, funny and generally lovely to be around. Something changed a few months ago, he became withdrawn from me and family life in general, and I was (and still am) devastated. We've become just two people living in the same house, nothing more, nothing less.

Lots of things have been said, but if i ask him outright what the problem is, he won't say. First he said it was my attitude towards him, so i became more aware of that and changed - now everything's been fine for months. Next he said that he didn't feel appreciated by myself or the children - I told him of course he is, and we show him that in all the things we do for him and how much we love him.

Now everything has become about 'his money' and how I don't have a job. We have two young DC who have recently started school, one of whom has special needs and only attends part time. I do everything around the house, he doesn't lift a finger, as well as 95% of the childcare, even on weekends. My DS with special needs cannot be left in childcare so i am trying my hardest to find a job that is on certain days, and only within very specific hours (which is proving extremely difficult).

I find my DH very resentful of me. He resents that the children favour me, he resents that I am a sahm, even though I contribute just as much as he does to family life. He has withdrawn all affection, will not initiate sex, will not speak to me unless he has something to say. It is just devastating.

I just wonder whether when I get a job, it still won't be enough for him. Will there just be some other excuse why he can't make more effort and be my husband?

AIBU to wonder when enough is enough?

I could have written your post five years ago. But it wasn't an affair. It was denial about the special needs diagnosis. Very common apparently. We had a really terrible couple of years after (at one point he said he was onlywith me because of the children, no sex, kept harping on about me going back to work - because then our DS's needs wouldn't be so 'serious') but are now back to being rock solid again.

What saved us was a weekend together away as a couple. Try that, and counselling, first.

I would tell him things are working for you and ask him to move into the spare room whilst you think it thru.

Tell him you would like a career, like he has, but you won't be taking a poorly paying job in the immediate future to satisfy his warped sense of 'fairness'.

I would tell him you are considering your options. Watch the pathetic man shit his pants.

I think he trying to make you get a job so you lose out on a maintenance when he divorces you. I am sorry to be so harsh. A friend of mine was encouraged to make friends and be more a part of the community by her husband, he really pushed her and she took a job as a dinner lady at the DC school. He then used this in court to 'prove' she could work and support herself and she got screwed over completely.

Very sorry OP. I think you are doing the right thing trying to communicate with him. Maybe a frank discussion on what you said in your OP. The change in him, you adapting, him changing the goal posts. What is the reason?

Re: cheating, do not exclude a new friendship or an emotional affair. This would mean he was truthful in saying he is not cheating (physically). However a new friendship/emotional affair would impact your relationship enormously.

shiklah

Is he unhappy at work but feels under pressure to struggle on? Maybe being the main financial provider is too much for him if it means he doesn’t dare leave his current job.

I'll say it again - it may be the case that he feels under a lot of pressure. If that is the case, then what he needs to do is to talk to the OP and try to figure out a solution that actually works. What he's actually doing is withdrawing affection, shitting all over her ideas to make money and generally treating her appallingly.

Fgs people change the record.. there are other reasons men behave like this. ONE reason is an affair- but there are others. It's a bit insulting to men to view them as so one dimensional !

Op has been give the advice about an affair, the signs to look for and the preparation to take.. just repeating the same thing 100 times isn't actually advice...

Many many men feel resentful about a SAHM. It's not right and it's not fair - this is because they don't actually understand it.

Do him a deal. He takes two weeks annual leave and you get a casual job. Leave him to it. Really ALL leave him to do ALL you do. Then ask him if he wants to share by working part time and having a lower household income but for him less responsibility to be the breadwinner (which I think many people on MN do not understand the level of stress that caused when you are not the one doing it) Or perhaps not !

wolly If he feels under a lot of pressure, it doesn’t allow him to use the Op as an emotional punching bag.
If he has problems, then he needs to say so. Not invent something on after the other as one gets sorted.
If he wants to share the pressure of being the earning partner, then he also needs to be happy to share the pressure of being the parent.

At the moment, he wants his cake and eat it. See the Op earning ‘proper’ money whilst not lifting a finger in the house (see the job that has to fit around school hours and the dcs).
He is acting appallingly.

Tbh OP Just from his behaviour, I would take that as a sign that ‘enough is enough’ (As per your title) and start getting organised.
Look at what can be done childcare wise.
Get a job/start your business
Tell him to fuck off because he doesn’t get to treat you that way with so little respect.

fonto whilst I fully agree about giving the full responsibility of thenhiuse and children for two weeks just to give him a shock (done something similar with my own H), I wouod be surprised if he is accepting it.

Because you see, he won’t know how to deal with the dcs, put the washing machine on etc...
And if he does, I also can see him actually dragging his heels and not doing a thing or doing it very poorly.

Plus it’s his holidays and he needs the rest from working so hard for the whole family whilst his dw does nothing at home all day.

Honestly? As I said, I’ve done something similar with H.
Was met with a ‘oh yes that’s really hard work isn’t it?’
No more help around the house. Just less grumble about not always doing everything in the house.

H was with the dcs every other weekend on his own. He got huge praise for taking the dcs out in his own . He could then go on about a great husband he was for doing so much around the house. And a fantastic father for being so involved.
The reality? He still f** all when I was there. I still did all the mental and emotional work. I was still the one in charge. And he could bask in his glory an set very high standards because he didn’t have to hold them for very long.

It’s very easy to be the father of the year when you do that for a weekend or a one off two seek period. Much harder when you do that on a everyday basis and wo any thanks.

Shiklah, what exactly is wrong with a mum supporting herself and her child by working as a dinner lady?? Its a respectable and essential job, and I don't know why it would be so horrifying to you that people do those jobs.
And I highly doubt that the DH will struggle to work the washing machine - he doesn't do it at the moment because his wife is a housewife. Of course he could do it, and may well decide to if he decides he's had enough and leaves.
Doing housework when the kids are at school most of the time is not nearly as hard as working full-time. Yes, having preschoolers is a full-time job, but not school-age kids.
Regardless of all of our views though, the OP will just have to get a job if her DH isn't prepared to support her being at home anymore.

Harshbuttrue - exactly what type of job is OP going to get with a SN child in part-time school?

He's a lazy CF!

In your shoes, I'd get a job on a Saturday for a 12 hour shift, so he'd have to look after the children all day. Tell him to treat it as a week day and that he needs to do all the usual chores and cooking that you would do in a normal day.

He can get to know his children better like this too, and learn how to care for them. You get to get out of the house and may even enjoy the change

I bet he soon begs you to stop working!

I do wonder though, whether he wants you to work because he is thinking of leaving and it would be to his benefit in divorce settlement.

"Fgs people change the record.. there are other reasons men behave like this. ONE reason is an affair- but there are others. It's a bit insulting to men to view them as so one dimensional !"

That is absolutely true, of course there are many reasons why people act as they do. However, when a partner who formerly seemed content and happy suddenly starts saying they are not appreciated enough AND become cold and withdrawn AND say the problem is their partner no matter how much extra effort is put in by them AND suddenly start demanding they get a job that can "pay the bills", that's an OW 95% of the time.

If it was job stress I might think they'd be more snappy and talk about getting a job, but the "you don't appreciate me enough" and "the problem is your attitude" out of nowhere as well? Doesn't quite fit.

Just had an argument about him hiding/lying about stupid things. He's been lying for weeks about finishing work early on a Friday and still coming home at 8pm after asking to go to the pub on his way home He also bought something from a school mum and hid it in the garage. He doesn't share any information from school since he insisted on starting to take them to school from now on. So I've firmly told him that I will be taking DC to school from now on so I know exactly what's going on.

Op are you absolutely sure you are as financially comfortable as you think you are? From what you're writing I would strongly suggest that you check all is as you think it is.

Mr Elbows went through a lot of the same behaviours at one point in our marriage. Not because he was having an affair (sorry to disappoint, ow obsessives) but because he was depressed and finding life really difficult to cope with. We've had some really shit times with serious financial worries and stresses to do with the children and it sounds very similar to some of what you're describing. Don't be too quick to write your marriage off because the mn affair "experts" have decided that's what's going on in a marriage they know nothing about and with half a story for "evidence".

Harshbuttrue is a known dipshit, with form for failure to comprehend that there are situations where it's not possible for both parents to work. Do take all her comments with as large a pinch of salt as you can find. She has no idea about parenting and no idea what she's talking about.

Ah well. If he's making excuses to be late home from work and hiding things like that, then I think you need to get your duck's in a row and seek legal advice.

You don't have to do anything, just get yourself educated as to what to expect if either of you decide to divorce. If he is having an affair, it's just as likely that he'll want out as that you'll want to end the marriage and you don't want to be caught unprepared.

ducks, not duck's!!! I hate when I do that!

He insisted on taking the children to school? If there is another woman, could she be a mum at the school? It's not often that a man is so eager to do the school run.

Oh yeah, and Harsh, a dinner lady's wage is hardly going to be enough to support 2 children.

StormTreader I don't disagree with your point that it could be an affair. My point was really that it isn't always. So god knows how many 'affair experts' coming on here to tell the OP what to look out for , isn't really all that helpful after the first 10 posts all saying the same thing - and really just smacks of a serious lack of imagination in providing advice and support to someone who's DH is behaving completely out of character.
Yes it could be an affair , but let's also explore other avenues. MN is so one track obsessive about these situation. Which I do understand as many women find their way to these advice boards following the despair of betrayal.. I am just suggesting that sometimes, occasionally we need to advise OP to look in other directions..

sorry to disappoint, ow obsessives

OK - I suppose this is a throw away remark but it's very unpleasant. Those of us who have experience are trying to let the OP know that this is classic affair behaviour. As I said it is pretty much exactly the behaviour my XH displayed. Yes people who are cheating (not just men) do go through recognisable behaviours and ways of talking. They try to justify their behaviour they try to blame their partner, because that is how they live with the guilt of what they are doing.

Hopefully this is not the case for the OP, but I wish I had been forewarned that my XH was having an affair - I would have been less shocked and horrified and unable to act and sort out finances if I had had an inkling beforehand. As it was I lost out hugely finacially because he'd had six months head start on me, as he knew what he was doing.

To imply that people are 'obsessives' and would be 'disappointed' if there was not another woman, is beyond crass. Do you honestly think in a million years that I or anyone else who has had this happen to them would wish it on anyone else? It is a hideous, soul estroying experience. I hope hugely that the OP's H is not cheating, but I want to give at least a small degree of empowerment by suggesting that he may be.

Just seen your update. This is clearly an affair. Im sorry OP.