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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder when to tell DH that enough is enough?

393 replies

Havethewishiwishtonight · 18/06/2018 10:41

My DH was always affectionate, funny and generally lovely to be around. Something changed a few months ago, he became withdrawn from me and family life in general, and I was (and still am) devastated. We've become just two people living in the same house, nothing more, nothing less.

Lots of things have been said, but if i ask him outright what the problem is, he won't say. First he said it was my attitude towards him, so i became more aware of that and changed - now everything's been fine for months. Next he said that he didn't feel appreciated by myself or the children - I told him of course he is, and we show him that in all the things we do for him and how much we love him.

Now everything has become about 'his money' and how I don't have a job. We have two young DC who have recently started school, one of whom has special needs and only attends part time. I do everything around the house, he doesn't lift a finger, as well as 95% of the childcare, even on weekends. My DS with special needs cannot be left in childcare so i am trying my hardest to find a job that is on certain days, and only within very specific hours (which is proving extremely difficult).

I find my DH very resentful of me. He resents that the children favour me, he resents that I am a sahm, even though I contribute just as much as he does to family life. He has withdrawn all affection, will not initiate sex, will not speak to me unless he has something to say. It is just devastating.

I just wonder whether when I get a job, it still won't be enough for him. Will there just be some other excuse why he can't make more effort and be my husband?

AIBU to wonder when enough is enough?

OP posts:
SlowDown76mph · 18/06/2018 11:28

You need to do some discrete finding out about why exactly he's checked out.

1234hello · 18/06/2018 11:30

I don't think it's fair or helpful for people to tell you he's definitely having an affair, although admittedly that is often the case when you hear stories like this.

What do you think he would say/do if you told him you were at the point of enough being enough?

Nanny0gg · 18/06/2018 11:30

.DH just wants me to work as hard as he does

You’re kidding, right?

Are you telling me you don’t? If you got a job (and what would you do in the holidays?) You’d probably be working twice as hard as him!

I agree with others. You need to look outside for the source of your problems.

endofthelinefinally · 18/06/2018 11:31

I suggest you move this thread to relationships OP.
Not only will you get loads of good advice in addition to what you have had already, by reading some other threads you will gain valuable insight and information.

Madeline18 · 18/06/2018 11:34

It's hard when you don't know the reason why things are difficult, it's sounds like this has been going on a while and life is too short to be unhappy.

NewYearNewMe18 · 18/06/2018 11:38

You say there are no financial pressures - and finances are the usual cause of relationship break down - how can you be sure there are no work related issues? redundancies looming? restructuring? unless he owns his own company and you do the books, in which case, how can you be sure contracts are going to be renewed etc?

The financial burden is still on him at the moment? why is he so eager for you to get a job? usually (stereotyping wildly) men like their creature comforts which includes a well run home, which you are providing at the mo.

My guess is money is an issue, even if on the horizon.

FizzyGreenWater · 18/06/2018 11:39

DH just wants me to work as hard as he does.

Then he needs to realise that YOU ALREADY DO, and if he can't do that then he needs to leave.

ItWentDownMyHeartHole · 18/06/2018 11:42

Don’t get a job. Tying yourself in knots to accommodate a really tricky situation. It’s not you that’s the problem here.

And the withdrawal of all affection and sex is as likely to be due to his resentment and anger as any other woman. Either way, he’s no catch.

Ididnthearanything · 18/06/2018 11:44

I think the under-appreciated here is you. I would guess you work far harder than he does.

He sounds like a child. Sorry OP. Stop dancing around him.

BrendasUmbrella · 18/06/2018 11:44

Can I ask why you are ignoring the posts suggesting he may be having or planning to have an affair? Is it because you believe it to be impossible, or would you rather just not consider it?

If he doesn't lift a finger around the house that means you do all the shopping, cooking, washing, cleaning for four people. As well as all the childcare for two dc's including one with enhanced needs. That isn't hard work?!

Your DH appears to be signalling loud and clear that for whatever reason, he would like to leave. Even if he's just having fantasies about the cheerful barista who gets his coffee in the morning, I'd put money on there being a woman in the picture somewhere. Itchy feet spouses are usually pining after what they see as a better option.

HyacinthsBucket70 · 18/06/2018 11:45

He's placing no value on your role in your family.

That alone would be enough for me to leave.

Don't do the "pick me" dance to please someone who is treating you like shit.

girlywhirly · 18/06/2018 11:45

The thing about feeling unappreciated by the DC; does he appreciate them? Play with them, read stories, chat and show an interest in their lives and interests, praise their successes and commiserate when they are sad or frightened or things have gone wrong, care for them when they are sick? If he doesn’t do any of these things, even in the evenings and week-ends, he cannot expect any appreciation. Relationships require effort, which he is not putting in. Even if he is unhappy with you, he should still be a good dad to the DC.

I’m so sorry for you and the DC, it’s a really crap way to live.

Sausagerollers · 18/06/2018 11:45

Has he ever spent a full week looking after the children on his own?
Have you considered saying that because of his recent attitude you need some time to go away and think about your relationship and what you want, that he needs to book a week holiday and you go away leaving all of the parenting and house stuff to him.
I doubt you'll come back to a tidy house, well stocked fridge & happy children after that and he still thinks you life is "easy".

BrendasUmbrella · 18/06/2018 11:46

You're not under financial pressure. So how about your DH pays for the children to have childcare (with someone who is trained in working with special needs children) and you are then freed up to look for a proper job?

Original poster
Havethewishiwishtonight · 18/06/2018 11:46

There was a moment last night where he was saying thank you for how much effort i'd made for him for father's day. It was the most genuine I'd seen him for months, i could have cried.

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 18/06/2018 11:46

DH just wants me to work as hard as he does.

The fact that he suddenly resents you looking after the children is odd, I mean how did you two originally decide that you would be a SAHM? Was he happy about it then and if so what has changed does he say or have you asked him why he feels this way now all of a sudden, it does sound like maybe someone is telling him he should be resentful

Original poster
Havethewishiwishtonight · 18/06/2018 11:49

Brendasumbrella I certainly don't believe an affair to be impossible, but he is a terrible liar and I've bought up the possibility before to him and his lip never wobbled once...

OP posts:
Original poster
Havethewishiwishtonight · 18/06/2018 11:51

Trinity He was more than happy for me to be a sahm for 5 years. Now when it suits him, he just expects me to click my fingers, change roles and find a magic job that fits in specific days/hours and only term time Hmm

OP posts:
ResistanceIsNecessary · 18/06/2018 11:52

This screams "affair".

The first thing you need to understand is that it doesn't matter what you do - it won't be enough. If he is busy "monstering" you then it's irrelevant how high you jump because he'll keep raising the bar. Read the script - second post down on this thread

I would start looking at time away, emails, phone records, spending (especially on credit cards).

TheEmmaDilemma · 18/06/2018 11:52

I'm afraid I'd also be hedging bets that there's some outside infulence on his change...

Flowerpotbicycle · 18/06/2018 11:53

Op everyone I’ve ever known who’s partner has had an affair or emotional affair initially said “but he’s a terrible liar”. Nonsense. The stakes are high and you would be shocked at how controlled people can be when it’s in their best interests.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 18/06/2018 11:55

I wonder if someone has put these ideas in his head? Someone who doesn’t understand or appreciate the full situation telling him what a hero he is working so hard to provide for his family who don’t appreciate him? It may not be an affair (yet) but could there be someone in the background stroking his ego?

He’s treating you terribly and definitely doesn’t appreciate or deserve you right now.

TheBlueDot · 18/06/2018 11:59

My first thought when I read your opening post was ‘he’s had his head turned by someone’.

Here is the script. You might not recognise all of it right now - eg no suspicions of him seeing someone, he isn’t staying out late etc. But the stuff about you trying to improve things and it still not being enough - that’s in the script. You may find the rest comes later (in really sorry if it does - better to be prepared and walk away than keep on trying and never feeling good enough).

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

DasPepe · 18/06/2018 11:59

I know it’s not the fact for, but I’ve acyially saved the below from another thread - just to remind myself. I’m sorry I can’t remember who posted this

“
What strikes me about all the “ We’re a team “ couples is that it’s only the woman who thinks they’ve are a team.

None of the men think so . I’ve never yet heard a man acknowledge that he has achieved his success because of his wife at home doing all the housework and childcare and wifework. If anything, they will tell you that they do “ their share “. Which is true in a way because in their eyes their share is about 1% and they do 2% .

And when they divorce ( what is it now, one half of marriages ? ) then they NEVER say “ Well of course we were a team . Naturally half of my earnings and pension belong to my wife and another share to the kids until they are finished uni”.

It’s all about how they have supported her and allowed her to stay at home doing nothing. And it’s her fault she has no career because she failed to get one of the many well paid board level jobs where you can work 10-2 term time only with all inset days off and unlimited last minute sick days.

It’s not “ a team “ if it benefits one person and disadvantages the other. That’s exploitation. Even if the exploited person says they don’t mind / it’s their choice / I can’t imagine it any other way . Doesn’t change the hard economic facts.“

busybarbara · 18/06/2018 11:59

It irritates me how everyone on MN jumps to OW when they are really not that common. It's far more likely to be depression or some sort of existential crisis.

If flat out, cards on the table, it's make or break style questioning hasnt worked, have you had any luck getting drunk together or loosening him up at all? If it's stress or an OW he'll loosen up in the right atmosphere whereas if he's depressed it won't work at all.