To wonder when to tell DH that enough is enough?

[Havethewishiwishtonight]

My DH was always affectionate, funny and generally lovely to be around. Something changed a few months ago, he became withdrawn from me and family life in general, and I was (and still am) devastated. We've become just two people living in the same house, nothing more, nothing less.

Lots of things have been said, but if i ask him outright what the problem is, he won't say. First he said it was my attitude towards him, so i became more aware of that and changed - now everything's been fine for months. Next he said that he didn't feel appreciated by myself or the children - I told him of course he is, and we show him that in all the things we do for him and how much we love him.

Now everything has become about 'his money' and how I don't have a job. We have two young DC who have recently started school, one of whom has special needs and only attends part time. I do everything around the house, he doesn't lift a finger, as well as 95% of the childcare, even on weekends. My DS with special needs cannot be left in childcare so i am trying my hardest to find a job that is on certain days, and only within very specific hours (which is proving extremely difficult).

I find my DH very resentful of me. He resents that the children favour me, he resents that I am a sahm, even though I contribute just as much as he does to family life. He has withdrawn all affection, will not initiate sex, will not speak to me unless he has something to say. It is just devastating.

I just wonder whether when I get a job, it still won't be enough for him. Will there just be some other excuse why he can't make more effort and be my husband?

AIBU to wonder when enough is enough?

Dearest DH it is really very simple. You are not as you were...doctors? counselling by yourself? or out?
You sound like a lovely woman, but what about your happiness?

Sorry OP, wish I had something to add but I’m in a similar osotipn, minus the kids. It’s fucking horrendous having to second guess shit. My heart goes out to you xx

I think I'd cool the jets, op.

He doesn't want to go to counselling. He believes you can sort it out yourselves.
He doesn't know what he wants.
He can't say if he loves you.

His inactions say everything. I am betting that if you don't bring up the conversation again, you'd be waiting on tenterhooks forever. Will he google marriage counsellors? Will he pick up the phone and make an appointment? Will he retract the 'control of my money' announcement?

Hell no.

A few years ago, I was the one who said, insisted, despite exh's objections, that I would arrange counselling and he could come or not. We ended up in this silly season where the counsellor gave us each 50% speaking time, when really there was only one reason we were there.

If you act normally - as a test - I guarantee he will make no effort to improve things. This is where you default into the 'nag position'. Avoid!

Cut your losses. Plan your exit. Do not instigate a reconciliation or a rescue plan. His inaction will tell you all you need to know.

He is lying... He is lying...
There will be an ow, he is just not sure he can go through with it.
He does not want to be the bad guy, so he will string you along for a while and when he and she are ready he will leave. He will then tell everybody that he 'tried' to fix it but you'd grown apart, you had been unreasonable etc etc...
By refusing to go to councelling he is showing you his hand... He says he wants to fix it but so far he is actually doing nothing to fix it... Says a lot for his commitment.

Oh and my friend's exh swore on their childrens lives there was no ow... He was just unhappy, didn't know what he wanted etc etc... Two weeks later he moved in with his secretary

Tbh, if I was in your situation then I would hire someone to delve a little deeper to check it isn't financial/addiction inc gambling/other woman.
I would do this to give myself the maximum possible knowledge. At the moment, you have no knowledge, no idea what's going on, what's causing this. So if you can then hire a private investigator, and see a solicitor for yourself, get copies of important documents etc to protect yourself. It may be that none of it will be necessary, BUT if it is AND you haven't done it (despite many women here telling you to), then you will truly never forgive yourself. Your first priority is to protect yourself and your children, take him out of the frame of reference for a minute.

Knowledge is power. Gain it however you can.

So if you were to get this job, is he keen to do more childcare, food shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry etc? I expect not.

Is attitude sounds awful. You're still a sahm due to your son's additional needs. Your DH would not be able to live as he does without you being able to manage the stuff at home

So why is his phone and laptop so thoroughly secured? Has it always been like this?

Most (I know not all) husbands/ wives can access each other's phones. If only for very occasional use.

This is like watching history repeat itself. This was me several years ago. People said 'is there someone else?' I said no! Of course not! Even though he'd behaved like a complete bastard towards me and our SEN DS I still believed he wouldn't cheat. As he was walking out the door he denied OW.

Maybe they hadn't had full sex, and that's why in his mind it wasn't cheating, but when he suddenly decided to date his best mate's wife (a friend of mine!) a few months later I found out from mutual friends that they'd been together for months before we split. He still to this day denies cheating. Because he's the good guy is mind and I had to be intolerable to put up with to make him justified in abandoning his unwanted life.

Don't trust a word that comes out of his mouth. Actions speak louder.

*in his mind

My DF was a religious man most of his life but in the last decade he turned away from it as all the stories of abuse came out. He was a quiet, gentle man but used to talk of being beaten arriving late or for being poor at the church school. I think that video speaks of an older time where casual violence against children was acceptable.

He says he wouldn’t be unfair about money if it came to a split, but this is the same man who said just a few days ago that it was all His money, and nothing to do with you or the children, and was entirely up to him what he did with it, oh and who hid purchases, and who is insisting you go get your own money, because he doesn’t think you deserve to have ‘his’...

So, I wouldn’t feel at all reassured OP.

I think he’s not ready to split yet, for whatever reason, and so he’s said the barest minimum to quell your fears and stop you taking any defensive action.

All he’s done is say ‘I’m unhappy, so you must tend to me and I won’t do anything to help myself or stop punishing you for it’... not a nice thing to do.

Selfish.

Please start putting on some defensive armor, because you and the children are getting very hurt by this horribly selfish man.

I have to say this reminds of the different tactics my ex h got up to when I told him I’m unhappy and stopped pussyfooting around him. It was like flicking a switch from Mr Nasty to Mr Niceguy.
It’s the way it goes with the cycle of abuse to keep you hanging on ( google)
Don’t forget the man he was a few days ago OP. That wasn’t just coincidence and it was for real and I would be on your guard. He’s hoping you’ll forget that or doubt yourself. A delay tactic to give him the upper hand until he’s ready.
Get your ducks in a row just in case. For your sake and for dcs. So if he eventually drops his bombshell you’re ready ( and hopefully a step ahead)
Remember love is blind so get your blinkers off.

Have read the whole thread and just wanted to say how sorry I am that you're going through this. It must be a bloody nightmare and you're clearly such a lovely person.

I've seen a massive depressive episode kick off and, although I suspect there's an OW, it could be a delayed grief reaction over your DC having SN.

So if you can then hire a private investigator,

OP has no job, and her husband has just told her all the money he earns is his, how do you suggest OP pays for a PI?

OP, you alluded to having things in hand regarding getting legal advice, earlier in the week, but you've not mentioned anything else when people are telling you to gather the financial information, so I'm worried that you're not doing that.

Regardless of how this pans out, you should know all the finances anyway, because even if a relationship is solid, if your husband had an accident or illness, you'd need to know what bills need paying, when, what money is coming in, etc, in order to keep things going.

So, have you got this info yet?

Oh dear. I hope to God for the sake of the children you manage to get through this and salvage the marriage. This is only my opinion same as what everyone else is posting, but remember only you know ur husband.
He is either depressed and is blaming his life and the monotonous routine of how it has become day in day out, some people just can’t adapt to married life or relationships for too long or the responsibilities that come with it, no longer appreciating the happiness that comes with a family unit. Could even be because he himself has insecurities and feels like a failure and is projecting this onto you.
And then there is the darker and more sinister side of the problem, there is someone else in his life he wants to be with. If it is it may have started as a fling but he has more feelings now which is making him resent the situation he is in again which he is projecting in your direction.
When a man withdraws from physical intimacy it almost always is because he is too depressed to feel aroused or he is getting it from somewhere else.

When you say he wouldn’t be unreasonable about finances, just remember his comments about being ‘in control of HIS money’.

How is everything op?