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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder when to tell DH that enough is enough?

393 replies

Havethewishiwishtonight · 18/06/2018 10:41

My DH was always affectionate, funny and generally lovely to be around. Something changed a few months ago, he became withdrawn from me and family life in general, and I was (and still am) devastated. We've become just two people living in the same house, nothing more, nothing less.

Lots of things have been said, but if i ask him outright what the problem is, he won't say. First he said it was my attitude towards him, so i became more aware of that and changed - now everything's been fine for months. Next he said that he didn't feel appreciated by myself or the children - I told him of course he is, and we show him that in all the things we do for him and how much we love him.

Now everything has become about 'his money' and how I don't have a job. We have two young DC who have recently started school, one of whom has special needs and only attends part time. I do everything around the house, he doesn't lift a finger, as well as 95% of the childcare, even on weekends. My DS with special needs cannot be left in childcare so i am trying my hardest to find a job that is on certain days, and only within very specific hours (which is proving extremely difficult).

I find my DH very resentful of me. He resents that the children favour me, he resents that I am a sahm, even though I contribute just as much as he does to family life. He has withdrawn all affection, will not initiate sex, will not speak to me unless he has something to say. It is just devastating.

I just wonder whether when I get a job, it still won't be enough for him. Will there just be some other excuse why he can't make more effort and be my husband?

AIBU to wonder when enough is enough?

OP posts:
Figgygal · 20/06/2018 13:08

is all of this going on in front of your kids? don't sit in there waiting for him to make decisions take the power for yourself and shove his arse out the door.

Leafyhouse · 20/06/2018 13:18

One possibility to consider before going nuclear on the relationship: does he envy your position? Does he want to pull back on his career, earn slightly less money, and have you go out to work to make up the shortfall, so he can spend more time with the kids?

A big part of being a 'man' is the whole provider role, pushing the career forward etc. Maybe he wants to be less driven, but doesn't know how to articulate it.

Having said all that, I'd still put good money on an affair. Even so, an affair could be a symptom of this underlying cause. Probably worth asking the question, at least.

FizzyGreenWater · 20/06/2018 13:30

Ok, tomorrow you don't get them ready for school. You don't do the following:

Im the one up at 6:30am every morning getting them ready, lunch boxes, bags, etc whilst he just sorts himself out.

You don't do that. You tell him that you said you'd be taking them to school and you will get them ready once he has gone and go in late if he tries to intimidate you and push you out. And if the school ask, you will tell them exactly why they are late: your husband was being aggressive and intimidating, wanting to be the one to take them to school in order to make sure you don't go there.

Don't worry too much about the taking to school in itself - it won't make a drop of difference re maintenance. Does he take care of them in the morning, could you be elsewhere if you wanted to, does he take responsibility? No.

If he's trying to cut you out then simply follow them to school. But a few days of flat out refusing to get them ready and explaining that it's ok, you've spoken to the Head about the issues at home and that they may be late a bit over the next few weeks might make him back off.

eggncress · 20/06/2018 13:45

Agree with Fizzy. If he wants to do the school runnhevhasvtondo all of it including getting kids ready, lunches etc.
You could tell the school dh is wanting to up the parenting but he’s not used to it so might take him a bit longer initially

eggncress · 20/06/2018 13:46

Typo!Blush
If he wants to do the school run

eggncress · 20/06/2018 13:47

He has to do all of it

AjasLipstick · 20/06/2018 13:52

I don't agree with Fizzy at all because he won't do it and then the children will suffer and see the fallout.

It's better for her to tell him that he's not taking them...SHE is. In advance ...tell him when the children are asleep already....and also let him know that if he attempts to stop her, she will call the police on him.

endofthelinefinally · 20/06/2018 14:37

Could he be reading your posts on here?
Maybe a pw and name change would be in order.

Original poster
Havethewishiwishtonight · 20/06/2018 14:45

Right everyone, no more games.

I'm telling him tonight that enough is enough and he needs to stop messing around and make his mind up. How long is reasonable? I was going to say Saturday morning?

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 20/06/2018 14:46

I'm telling him tonight that enough is enough and he needs to stop messing around and make his mind up. How long is reasonable? I was going to say Saturday morning?

make his mind up or what though? Are you going to tell him you want a divorce otherwise and are you going to follow through with that?

yogaginrepeat · 20/06/2018 14:49

Why does he get the ultimate say? What if he decides he does want to stay married - for how long, until the next time he decides everything you do is wrong?

Take charge and be in the driving seat yourself. What do YOU want, for you and your children? Is it realistic?

At the very least, if he does want to stay married, I'd expect a commitment to couples counselling.

Loopytiles · 20/06/2018 14:56

This kind of man is not going to move out or be reasonable about separating, he will insist on remaining in the home.

Original poster
Havethewishiwishtonight · 20/06/2018 15:01

It's a decision whether to leave or a full commitment to our relationship with counselling, etc.

Is Saturday too long or short a time to make a decision?

OP posts:
Original poster
Havethewishiwishtonight · 20/06/2018 15:02

loopy I know he won't be reasonable. What do I do if he insists on staying? It is 'his' house after all Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Havethewishiwishtonight · 20/06/2018 15:04

yoga because deep down he is acting completely out of character. If he stays and starts acting this way again then I will make the decision myself to end it.

OP posts:
AjasLipstick · 20/06/2018 15:05

Is your name on the mortgage? Are you married? It's yours too OP....don't let him tell you to leave.

He won't give you an answer anyway....he'll wriggle out of leaving at the moment or committing. He won't do either.
I hate to be harsh but it's true.

eggncress · 20/06/2018 15:05

Would tell him straight off this isn’t working for you...that his behaviour is not as you’d expect from a loving partner and you want a separation.
Before you do that make sure you’ve done your snooping and have details of his earnings, savings, pension, investments etc. Once he knows you want to divorce he’ll start trying to hide assets which might make things more drawn out.
Get yourself some money siphoned off as you’ll need it if he decides to stop giving you access to funds.
Then tell him you’ve had enough. Don’t give him an option though. If he thinks you’re worth staying with you’ll know from his response.

AjasLipstick · 20/06/2018 15:06

He's acting out of character because he's emotionally checked out. He's already left OP....so so sorry to say that but I've seen it happen.

Loopytiles · 20/06/2018 15:06

You proceed on the basis of legal advice and live in the same house until a settlement is reached.

eggncress · 20/06/2018 15:09

You are married and have 2 dc. The house is a marital asset. Therefore it is not his !
Don’t let him tell you otherwise and don’t leave unless you feel you are in danger.

eggncress · 20/06/2018 15:10

House is a marital asset even if the mortgage is in his name only

HappyintheHills · 20/06/2018 15:19

Probably better not to give him the power of making the decision.
If you give a deadline and he doesn’t comply, what then?
Better to ignore his bad behaviour and when challenged point out you wormed harder and longer for the family than he does.

HappyintheHills · 20/06/2018 15:21

Work not wormed 😡

Ismiselemeas · 20/06/2018 15:40

I am sorry this sounds horrendous. Try and take a few deep breaths and listen to everyone telling you to see a solicitor and find out about money and family assets. The job he wants you to get doesn't exist. You have full-time job with children already but that is not the way courts will see it. I think he has already had advice - probably from "pals" at the pub but he certainly has a plan. You need to get one.

shiklah · 20/06/2018 16:03

I really can't fathom why you are asking him anything? He's made his view clear. Tell him to move into the spare room and stop speaking to him. You are giving him all the power and it's tying you in knots.

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