To wonder when to tell DH that enough is enough?

[Havethewishiwishtonight]

My DH was always affectionate, funny and generally lovely to be around. Something changed a few months ago, he became withdrawn from me and family life in general, and I was (and still am) devastated. We've become just two people living in the same house, nothing more, nothing less.

Lots of things have been said, but if i ask him outright what the problem is, he won't say. First he said it was my attitude towards him, so i became more aware of that and changed - now everything's been fine for months. Next he said that he didn't feel appreciated by myself or the children - I told him of course he is, and we show him that in all the things we do for him and how much we love him.

Now everything has become about 'his money' and how I don't have a job. We have two young DC who have recently started school, one of whom has special needs and only attends part time. I do everything around the house, he doesn't lift a finger, as well as 95% of the childcare, even on weekends. My DS with special needs cannot be left in childcare so i am trying my hardest to find a job that is on certain days, and only within very specific hours (which is proving extremely difficult).

I find my DH very resentful of me. He resents that the children favour me, he resents that I am a sahm, even though I contribute just as much as he does to family life. He has withdrawn all affection, will not initiate sex, will not speak to me unless he has something to say. It is just devastating.

I just wonder whether when I get a job, it still won't be enough for him. Will there just be some other excuse why he can't make more effort and be my husband?

AIBU to wonder when enough is enough?

Things will only change when you stop giving him all the power. He's already gone. He's pissed off you're not taking everything lying down so he can move in his bit on the side whilst you take off with the kids.

He insists on taking the kids to school, you don't lift a finger for them in the morning. Go ahead and get up, and do FA. 'You want to play Daddy, knock yourself out.'

See a solicitor. You're married, you have a disabled child, you've been a SAHP. You have rights.

Do you have that solicitor appt yet?

You've both 'tipped your hands'. But he has less reason to leave than you do. He's living and treating you exactly as he wants to. He has his home comforts and isn't paying maintenance. He has his 'live in help'. You.

You need to get cracking with legal advice. He isn't going to make this easy and he's going to bully and lie to you about 'walking away with nothing' and 'keeping the kids'. You need to get educated about what is REAL in your situation.

Getting legal advice doesn’t have to cost you anything initially. Many law firms offer free 30 minute sessions. I did this with 3 firms to get a feel of where I stood before taking action.

He's going to do things you never believed he'd do (If he hasn't already).

Take steps. Protect money. Make solicitor appointments. Hide passports.

Is he self employed? If so child maintenance is going to be tricky.

1. gather important documents : passports for you and kids, mortgage info, investments, his payslips, pension info.

Take copies of latter and remove to a place of safety( parents home for example)

1. See a lawyer
2. Get some money aside for yourself. Joint account ?
3. When you’ve done the above,you may decide to confront him or just bypass that and send him a lawyers letter.

I would do 1-3 first in any order.
4 definately last.
That way you are a step ahead of him.

When you’ve been a loving couple it’s natural for you to want to reach out to your husband in times of difficulty.
It appears this has now changed and he no longer has your best interests in mind.

I wouldn't bother giving him deadlines etc. I'd tell him it's over.

Do what eggncress says.

Store documents online - NOT in email or USB, use google docs, cloud etc. Set up another email to do this (one that he doesn't know about)

And do not leave the house. Don't. You'll never get it back if you do.

Just to reinforce what's been said, you absolutely have to get professional advice. See some solicitors asap. Initial consultations should be free. Choose one you click with. Listen to your instincts.

It's unfortunate he knows. As he mentioned MN, he's probably reading this.

But, ffs don't let him control the outcome. Don't give him a choice. It's clearly too late. Get rid of him, and start enjoying life. It'll be hard, but it's very, very worth it.

Do you have family and/or friends nearby? Mine were fantastic when I was getting divorced. We remained in the same house for 15 months, until the residence issues were decided, so it was good to have a bolt hole when I needed some head space.

Also, as an aside, for me, one significant upside of alternate weekends contact was that I had the best of all worlds - time with the kids on 'my' weekends, and time to do whatever I wanted to, without guilt, on his weekends.

Op - I’ve been reading this all and this is my advice for what it’s worth.

He’s not going to change his mind and everything go back to how it was before by Saturday. His mind is made up even if he won’t be the one to actually make a decision or articulate this to you. I totally understand why you would but thinking he’ll do something different between now and Saturday is wishful thinking at best (sorry to be harsh....)

Don’t start playing games. Hold on to your dignity and try your best to think clearly. He’s trying to demonise you - both to himself and others to justify his actions. So keep doing what your day with the kids and accompany them and him to school. He can’t make you stay home. And if he forces you not to accompany well that will be troubling but at least clarify things a bit.

Make sure you have a source of money.

Change your passwords on all devices. Change usernames if you have to too.

As much as you can act reasonable. I suspect he wants to leave (for whatever reason - seems to me like OW but I don’t know you or him so I’m just guessing at this point) but needs you to be the bad person. He needs to be able to blame you for leaving. IF you aren’t being unreasonable already (and honestly you sound great and totally reasonable) he’s going to have to make you become that shitty mum and wife (like never taking the kids to school) in his eyes and eyes of others. He may be very cunning in this respect.

He may well never confess to anything. Be prepared for that - you may not get the evidence you need to justify asking him to leave or calling in a lawyer BUT his actions aren’t normal. You know something’s changed - make a list of what these are and the impact they have and you’ll soon see how much there is. Referring to an argument and you swearing a few years ago - frankly that’s scrapping the barrel in terms of him trying to find something to tarbuku with. What about all the many many good things you will have done in this time? Doesn’t remember them. Thought so.You know he’s being shitty towards you - and honestly that is reason enough. Saying to someone I won’t be treated this way is enough to end a relationship (which you may not be at the point of) or at least asking someone to give you space until you get things back on track and they change THEIR behaviour.

Do not leave the house.

Do not let him provoke you.

Consider asking to see his phone. He may already have deleted texts and emails and phone logs. Absence of these can be equally telling.

Not saying any of this is easy. But for you it is necessary.

How the heck do I not leave the house? I have children to take to school.

I think she meant don't leave the house as in don't move out.

I'll just mention this quickly as I've read two threads here about awful couples counsellors this week - be very careful if you go the counselling route. It may be an idea to get in touch with the counsellor first and find out how they approach couples who are in crisis. if they tend to adopt a no-blame or equal-blame strategy, steer clear. Those kinds of counselors are gifts from above for abusive (including ea) men, they can end up inadvertently enabling them.

If your DH is good at putting on a game face, if people in day to day life find him charming and likable, he'll be able to wrap a poorly skilled counsellor around his little finger...

Yes don’t move out!!! Obviously leave the house to go to shops, school etc 😀

I'm in a different timezone so only just catching up with this thread... am in a very similar situation here.

The reason I'm posting though, is that op hasn't been back since late afternoon and she was having it out with her husband later . Op, hope you are ok.

@Havethewishiwishtonight are you ok?

@Havethewishiwishtonight

0808 2000 247

Is the freephone number for womens aid. They will give you advice on dealing with abuse or you or your children. Emotional/ financial or otherwise.

We talked for hours. The best and most genuine I have heard him talk to me in months. There is no ow, he said he would have just left if there was and I believe him. He said he is unhappy and doesn't know if he wants to live the rest of his life like this. I asked him if he loved me and he said it definitely wasn't a no but he didn't know because he was so unhappy. He doesn't know what he wants, he doesn't want to leave but doesn't want to stay and be unhappy either.

I told him that I loved him, that there would never be anybody else for me. I said that an unhappy 3 months out of a 15 year relationship does not mean that you just leave. I told him that he was the one that was unhappy so it was him that had to make a decision. But if he did stay he needs to fully commit to this marriage and stop behaving the way that he has been.

He eventually said that he did want to try. However, i'm just worried that he will 'try' for a little bit longer and still leave. I asked him to go to counselling but he refused to talk to a stranger about our relationship. He said that we can do the talking ourselves. I disagree, I think this is too big for us to sort out and could do with an impartial third party.

This morning I woke up and don't know how I feel. I know I should be strong and tell him that if he doesn't know about us then he needs to leave. However, this was him at his most genuine and in my heart of hearts I just see an unhappy man who with a bit of effort could make his way back to us. The whole thing just seems so uncertain and hanging by a thread. I feel like I can't breathe when I think about him leaving. This isn't about money, the children, anything practical, it is about him. I love him and don't know what to do....

I think he's just stringing you along and it's not fair that he's leaving you with so much uncertainty. What about your feelings? Why are they not important and why are you only focusing on how he feels? Why does he get all the time in the world to make his 'decision', leaving you feeling like shit?

Honestly, the whole school run thing is really suspicious. He's not interested in counselling and not taking your opinions or feelings into account. Keep these things in mind. Don't forget his actual actions.

Abuser and manipulators use a mix of things to keep control. They can behave badly at times, then switch to being kind, thoughtful etc. It keeps you hanging on and this is exactly what's happened. Here you are, saying that he can have time to make his decision.

You poor thing. What a huge burden he's left you with. I agree you need outside help.

Some timescales. You can't live like this indefinitely.

Personally I'd want him out.

Have you stored you found and stored all your important documents yet? Do you think you have all the documents related to finance?

So sorry op. At least you have the truth.

I'd back off for a while. Disconnect yourself, not try to be all accommodating. I think he might feel smothered, like he can't breathe. A bit of space and knowing you aren't fawning over him, might make him "miss you" so to speak.

A very difficult situation 💐💐💐

OP, I may be wrong, and if I am I apologise, but could your husband be depressed? He could be having a breakdown. We have been through this in my family (not with my DH) and it was very difficult for the wife as the husband became angry and cruel to her, it took 12 month to sort out, he eventually got treated for depression and they have come through - but I can attest that many people would have left him.

The point is, even if this is the case, he needs to get help. No one can come through this level of depression or mental ill health without professional help. Also, you could perhaps get some counselling and support, there is a partners' support group for people living with a depressed spouse where we live, maybe you could look into this - even if he won't go for help, you need to.

I really think after reading your last post that it is a mental illness he has and not another woman, however, he may still decide he wants out of the marriage - or you may decide you want out.

Its just that I live in a place where divorce is really uncommon and hard to come by because the financial laws are all stacked against the person with the lower income / assets so we all try to make things work if we can as there is no easy way out. And I think that perhaps you need to see how you can work this out, if you want to restore the marriage, but I would say that you still need him to commit to professional counselling.

If it turns out that this is all an act by him then I apologise, without knowing you in RL, it is hard to tell.

Wishing you all the best

He's not being terrible over wanting to leave. He said he feels so guilty about feeling like this. I know he wouldn't be unreasonable over practical things like finances. He's just a confused mess. However, that's no help to me when i have no idea what he's doing.

So he doesn't know what he wants, but he does know 'he is the only one' for you and you will remain loyal, loving and not move on.

Sadly, I think you're going to be treated badly for a long time. I realise you aren't ready to listen to advice on this thread but I do hope you can work on your self respect and self esteem and come to realise that you deserve better than a life time of 'wait and see' from a manipulative man who cannot decide if he loves you.

Take care