To wonder when to tell DH that enough is enough?

[Havethewishiwishtonight]

My DH was always affectionate, funny and generally lovely to be around. Something changed a few months ago, he became withdrawn from me and family life in general, and I was (and still am) devastated. We've become just two people living in the same house, nothing more, nothing less.

Lots of things have been said, but if i ask him outright what the problem is, he won't say. First he said it was my attitude towards him, so i became more aware of that and changed - now everything's been fine for months. Next he said that he didn't feel appreciated by myself or the children - I told him of course he is, and we show him that in all the things we do for him and how much we love him.

Now everything has become about 'his money' and how I don't have a job. We have two young DC who have recently started school, one of whom has special needs and only attends part time. I do everything around the house, he doesn't lift a finger, as well as 95% of the childcare, even on weekends. My DS with special needs cannot be left in childcare so i am trying my hardest to find a job that is on certain days, and only within very specific hours (which is proving extremely difficult).

I find my DH very resentful of me. He resents that the children favour me, he resents that I am a sahm, even though I contribute just as much as he does to family life. He has withdrawn all affection, will not initiate sex, will not speak to me unless he has something to say. It is just devastating.

I just wonder whether when I get a job, it still won't be enough for him. Will there just be some other excuse why he can't make more effort and be my husband?

AIBU to wonder when enough is enough?

@overthehedgehammy

I also agree that all the evidence points at a strategy. Whether or not it's an affair is yet to be established, but either way it looks like he is preparing for something.

One thing, though - on maintenance, bizarrely, a 50:50 split still requires the Non-Resident Parent (NRP) to pay, even if an exactly equal share of time is with each parent. Maintenance is reduced by one seventh for each regular overnight stay that the children have with the NRP. That would mean (just for the sake of illustration) that maintenance would only reduce to zero if the children stay with the. NRP for seven nights a week.

Throw him the fuck out

This arrogant bastard needs to learn what it feels like to be properly "disconnected" from his family

He doesnt get to say those things and still warm his cheating toes by the home fire

Surely just because he takes them on a 5 minute car ride to school, that doesn't mean he's doing 50% of the childcare? Im the one up at 6:30am every morning getting them ready, lunch boxes, bags, etc whilst he just sorts himself out. Then I collect and have them until 8pm when they go to bed?

Speak to a solicitor. Please.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It must feel awful.

The most important thing is your kids and your sanity. Do not get sucked into feeling sorry for him or guilty about how you should have "tried harder" at your relationship. You are obviously a lovely person and dedicated partner.

Protect yourself and your kids.

Surely just because he takes them on a 5 minute car ride to school, that doesn't mean he's doing 50% of the childcare?

Yes, but he's doing the publically visible bit. Should things go as far as CAFCASS then the school will be approached to clarify his level of involvement. He may say that he does a lot more than he actually does.

It takes two to make it work. You are doing all the giving and he is doing all the taking AND moving the goalposts further and further apart.
You already work full time.he knows it is unlikely you will get a job to suit your family commitments so He will play that card for a while whilst you get yourself into a spin over it. I put money on it that if you did find something, you would "fail" on some other thing.
He is looking to split and trying to justify it in his own head by moving that guilt into you.
Don't let him. You stick to your guns. Childcare will cost more than your wages. He will have to step up. Nope. It's bollocks. Something else is going on here.

I thought maintenance was based on hiw many nights were spent at his house? I.e. 1or 2 a week?

He is jealous of his own kids. What a fucking loser.

Something else is going on here.

Yup, may be an affair or may not be but from what the OP said, he isn't looking for a solution to whatever it is so imo the OP needs to find a solution for herself

You need legal advice pronto. Do you have access to joint bank accounts? If so, start moving smallish amounts of money.

On the school run thing, it’s evidence that he will reorganise work hours etc to do parenting. Who actually does what each morning/after school is your word against his.

This might help:
www.gov.uk/how-child-maintenance-is-worked-out/how-the-child-maintenance-service-works-out-child-maintenance

It's worked out on income, after pension contributions. If he's recently increased his pension contributions then that's another significant alarm bell.

It reduces by one seventh for each regular overnight. It's worked out on an annual basis, I think. Random overnights don't make any difference.

OP While it is very out of favour with courts generally, you might be awarded spousal support.
While courts now a days expect both parties to step up and work, and maintenance is just for children, if you stopped work, thus ended your career or damaged your career prospects because you both agreed you needed to stay at home to look after children you may have a case. You would need good legal advice on this, but from what you say you'd only be able to work days that he collected children from school and had them overnight due to dc sen.
Your dh would also have to cover school holidays on 'his' days.. If dc are not able to access mainstream kids clubs etc.
Know we arw jumping ahead a bit here but might be worth trying a bit of a 360 on him first.
Fix smile on face, say you have thought about it and he's right, it's not fair on him to be onky earner etc etc... And you have decided you'd like to work say three full days a week, so obviously he will need to do all the child related work those days... And of course in the holidays he will have to either split cost of nanny with you or he will have to take days off.
I'd be making up a fictional job, saying you were going to apply, and it meant you leaving house at 6:30 and you'll be home at 8pm...so obviously you can't do anything for him or kids...
Better still it's a job away from home.. You'll be gone two nights a week.
Then smile again and say.. Isn't that super, the kids will love having you look after them so much, they'll soon prefer you over me... 'twinkly laugh' and get up and go have long bath... Refuse to engage in discussion..

OP what are you going to do? You're not saying much in reply to people giving you advice, just telling us about the latest arguments.

We can help you to sort things out, but we need more input from you, so we can tailor our advice.

ALSOAPPEARING great post. Really glad you're happy now. Sounds like you handled everything brilliantly.

Wow. He's really re-writing history, isn't he?

I agree, it's fairly irrelevant if there's an OW or not. It sounds like he has made his mind up that the marriage is to end. Saying that you damaged him a few years ago by swearing in an argument is classic. He may try and twist things and paint himself as a victim of abuse. Never mind that you have been affected and worried by his alienating and neglectful behaviour for months.

Start taking practical steps to look after yourself and your dc's. And keep looking out for work, but don't run into grabbing a zero hours shelf stacking position or similar, get something you'll be secure in if he walks out a month later.

I've been reading 'the script' and WOW, he really has followed it to the letter. But I'm going to play him at his own game. If he wants to end it then he needs to have the guts to do so. I'm not saying anything - I want this to fall all on him as it should do.

I've been acting totally normal since he's come home from work tonight and he is clearly confused.

I'm going to put myself and my children first. Concentrate on being happy and ignoring this shit he is trying to pull. I ignore my children's tantrums and I will ignore his. I'll sort out a job and be totally prepared for when he's decided that enough is enough. In the meantime I will kill him with kindness.

@AlsoAppearing you're not quite right there. In the case of 50/50 care, you no longer have a NRP as both parents or neither are the R parent. Also the value reduces each overnight in a 14 day period not seven.

OP your situation sounds awful - I'm so sorry for you and what you're going through. I don't think it matters about any other women, you need to ask yourself whether you want to remain in this marriage - what are you getting out of it? It really sounds like you're coming last to everyone - even yourself. Your husband is communicating in an appalling way. This isn't how you end a marriage to someone you loved.
I'd recommend you go for counseling - alone and together. It may not save your relationship but you will be able to communicate much more clearly with him and it sounds like there will be a real need for full and clear communications here. Best of luck OP xx

Get some plans together. Work out what you would need to have together if he announced a split tomorrow, and another plan for the long game.

I know you don't believe he's cheating, but if you have time read this thread (you can highlight the OPs text if you want to read it quickly) www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3257939-Dh-sent-me-a-photo-by-mistake? she knows her DH wants to leave her and she is "getting her ducks in a row". It might give you some inspiration? It inspired me and I'm happy in my relationship!

It's great to read that. Well done for having such a strong attitude. We'll be here for you. Inner strength! Good luck.

I agree with acting normal as far as allaying his suspicions that you are 'on to him'. But please don't ignore his shit and just sit and wait. You need to be proactive. The first thing you need to do is seek legal advice, even if you have to beg, borrow, or steal the money to do it. The opportunities for an unscrupulous man to take advantage of an unprepared woman are legion. And if you don't seek legal advice, you will be that unprepared woman.

Don't worry, I'm sorting myself out :)

DH is in a foul mood tonight. Usually I'd be asking him what was wrong, etc and what could I have possibly done to upset him in the 5 mins he's been home.

Tonight I've kept quiet and he looks so pissed off - probably because I haven't got fed up of him yet and packed my bags.

Grey rock is always a good plan.

I'd have sworn at him. In fact I'd probably have made up some special swear words. SN parenting can be relentless.