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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder when to tell DH that enough is enough?

393 replies

Havethewishiwishtonight · 18/06/2018 10:41

My DH was always affectionate, funny and generally lovely to be around. Something changed a few months ago, he became withdrawn from me and family life in general, and I was (and still am) devastated. We've become just two people living in the same house, nothing more, nothing less.

Lots of things have been said, but if i ask him outright what the problem is, he won't say. First he said it was my attitude towards him, so i became more aware of that and changed - now everything's been fine for months. Next he said that he didn't feel appreciated by myself or the children - I told him of course he is, and we show him that in all the things we do for him and how much we love him.

Now everything has become about 'his money' and how I don't have a job. We have two young DC who have recently started school, one of whom has special needs and only attends part time. I do everything around the house, he doesn't lift a finger, as well as 95% of the childcare, even on weekends. My DS with special needs cannot be left in childcare so i am trying my hardest to find a job that is on certain days, and only within very specific hours (which is proving extremely difficult).

I find my DH very resentful of me. He resents that the children favour me, he resents that I am a sahm, even though I contribute just as much as he does to family life. He has withdrawn all affection, will not initiate sex, will not speak to me unless he has something to say. It is just devastating.

I just wonder whether when I get a job, it still won't be enough for him. Will there just be some other excuse why he can't make more effort and be my husband?

AIBU to wonder when enough is enough?

OP posts:
prh47bridge · 19/06/2018 21:52

Also the value reduces each overnight in a 14 day period not seven

No, it is based on the total number of overnight stays in a year. Maintenance comes down by one seventh if there are more than 52 overnight stays per year (i.e. an average of one per week), two sevenths if there are more than 104 overnight stays per year and three sevenths if there are more than 156 overnight stays per year. This is set out on p27 of the "How we work out child maintenance" booklet.

ChasedByBees · 19/06/2018 22:09

Sorry you’re going through this OP. Flowers

Missingstreetlife · 19/06/2018 22:17

I wouldn't be putting up with it too long. I'd have to say are you going or are you going to fix your face and make the best of it. You should not leave, he should go. Best of luck

GruffaloPants · 19/06/2018 22:17

Sorry you're going through this.
Don't get a job without legal advice. You could reduce your settlement and be stuck trying to juggle things.

feelingfree17 · 19/06/2018 22:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Missingstreetlife · 19/06/2018 22:34

He is feeling hard done by but no excuse to denigrate your role. He needs to be grown up and talk to you. Maybe there are options to spread the load differently, but just taking his frustration out on you isn't one of them.

feelingfree17 · 19/06/2018 22:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TryingToForgeAnewLife · 19/06/2018 22:37

I am currently going through a divorce. DS1 has ASD so life has always been stressful.

Ex treated me like how yours is for a few years. I felt so anxious all the time as l didn't want to upset him and make the gulf between us bigger.

A year ago l found out about the OW and he started rewriting history. Apparently 8 years ago l was horrible to him and he always knew he would leave but he just didn't know when thank god for the OW l could still have been stuck with him now

Don't be like me and try and hang on. If he hasn't got an OW now, he soon will have as he is already emotionally detached from you.

Bubbles121 · 19/06/2018 22:37

@prh47bridge thanks, I'll agree that is indeed correct. However, there still isn't any CM payable in true 50/50 from just one side - both parents have equal care and there isn't one resident parent. I suppose you could try claiming against each other and both paying the other parent CM but I don't know if anyone has ever done that?

I do know that the above position of no CM due has been confirmed by two separate (and rival!) solicitors and a judge this year so I must assume they know the law best though.

Fuckwithnosensesauce · 19/06/2018 22:51

So sorry to hear this all too familiar story. I too think he has had his head turned. You say he can’ t lie, but he has been. School run? Bought from a mum and hidden in the garage? Wtf? What was it? Who was ‘the school mum’?

Whatever you do next, will never be enough. Some people (men) really struggle with the realities of family life. I think women adapt to it better, but am not convinced the hunter/gatherer has the same instinct.

Don’t go away and leave your kids, this could make it look like you deserted them if anything goes to court. Yes, perhaps do suggest a night away together and see what he says/reacts.

Re the holiday- it may be much easier to relax if the OW isn’t constantly giving him gyp about you and expecting him to be at her beck and call.
Any issues with phone secrecy or computers?

I hope so, so much it is something else, but there are so many red flags. If you need further support at any time pl post in relationships.

prh47bridge · 19/06/2018 23:03

I suppose you could try claiming against each other and both paying the other parent CM but I don't know if anyone has ever done that

If parents share day to day care equally, regulation 50(2) of the Child Support Maintenance Calculation Regulations kicks in, meaning that neither parent can make a claim. Note that the test is day to day care, not just overnights. The parent who provides the majority of the day to day care can make a claim for maintenance even if the child stays most nights with the other parent.

Bubbles121 · 19/06/2018 23:13

Thanks @prh47bridge that certainly confirms my understanding. In true 50/50 care there is no maintenance payable for DC.

NewbieSpartacus · 19/06/2018 23:28

harsh He's supported you for 5 years, which is a long time

No no no no no. Earning money and raising the children are both contributing to the family, she's not a lady of leisure.

Largepiecesofcrookedwood · 19/06/2018 23:31

Wow OP, you're one strong lady Flowers

AlsoAppearing · 19/06/2018 23:37

Things seem to have changed a little since my divorce. A Shared Residence Order was made, and I was the Parent With Care. Maintenance was based on Ex-DH salary, after pension. The contact was one overnight per week, alternate weekends, and half the school holidays. This averaged to two nights a week through the year, and maintenance was reduced by two sevenths as a result. Ex-DH's view was that it should reduce by two sevenths for every overnight, such that once the contact was truly 50:50 there would be no maintenance due. I could understand his argument, and he was never awkward about money. He just liked logic, and considered that the one seventh reduction was illogical! I wasn't complaining, though. We had a voluntary arrangement, but after a couple of years a 'friend' convinced me to go via the CSA, as she said he should pay more. Against my better judgement I did this, and they calculated that he should pay about £200 a month less than he had been paying, and in fact, with the previous voluntary 'overpayments' he didn't need to pay anything for a long time. That was awkward. He continued to pay the original figure, though. Fortunately.

AlsoAppearing · 19/06/2018 23:38

Apologies for the lack of any paragraphs!

Loopytiles · 20/06/2018 07:29

Assuming you have access to the joint account, do start siphoning off money. You’ll need it. Pretend to be applying for jobs while actually researching housing, benefits, finances etc.

Might also be good to go out for an entire day each weekend, to somewhere with free wifi, eg library. DH could do to do some sole parenting.

Trinity66 · 20/06/2018 11:00

Read your update OP, I'm sorry you're going through it but I'm really glad you've found the strength to see things more clearly and know what you have to do. Just keep reminding yourself that he's the one ruining your marriage not you

Original poster
Havethewishiwishtonight · 20/06/2018 11:38

I've blown it :(

He wouldnt let me take the children to school this moment and I blew it. I went off on one about ' the script' and he asked if I'd been posting on mumsnet again. He was generally awful and then said he didn't know why I was pretending everything was ok.

He's already got one foot out of the door...

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 20/06/2018 11:44

Oh I'm so sorry :( What will you do now?

StormTreader · 20/06/2018 12:12

"But I'm going to play him at his own game. If he wants to end it then he needs to have the guts to do so."

I had this with my last relationship and honestly? It just dragged out the pain for 12 months longer than I needed to.
Don't spend every day of the next year planning and strategising and debating how to act or not act all the time - do yourself a huge kindness and make an end to it (even if its just in your heart while you get the paperwork together for the next few weeks). Make the cut, make the solicitors appointment, make a plan with dates and set yourself free.

PickAChew · 20/06/2018 12:51

This is why grey rock is so useful, at this point. It buys you time to prepare for if/when you do separate. It sounds like he's going to keep on trying to get a reaction out of you and make you the bad guy. He's probably convinced he'll have to give you less money if he can make out that you're the unreasonable one. It also conveniently takes the focus off his own behaviour.

It'll be hard because he might have detached but he's buggered if he's going to let you do the same, so use the time you have cleverly.

shiklah · 20/06/2018 13:00

OP, I know you think you can 'play him at his own game' etc but you do not seem cut out for his nonsense. You need to stop discussion with him.

He cannot stop you taking your children to school, he is not in charge of you.

I think he has OW. I think he is trying to make you work, and taking DC to school to blur boundaries and reduce any maintenance he would have to pay you as the SAHP and full time parent.

Get smart, shut up, see a solicitor and take charge.

expatinscotland · 20/06/2018 13:04

If he doesn't let you take your kids to school I'd go on my own.

AjasLipstick · 20/06/2018 13:07

Yes...you have enough on your plate coping with your children WITHOUT this cockend troubling you!

Your life will be better without him. DO NOT let him tell you when you can take your own children to school! Who does he think he bloody is!??? I'm livid for you!

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