Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother-in-law's wedding

312 replies

ParkaGirl · 17/06/2018 21:08

I am new. Created an account just for this.
Love my brother-in-law, a few years younger than DH, he was best man at our wedding 7 years ago. He did an absolutely sterling job. He did not have a partner when we got married.
He often drops in after work to play with the kids and meets up with my DH often, they are close.
He met his partner about 4 years ago, she is absolutely lovely; if I had a complaint it would be that we don't see her enough, but when we are together she is amazing, good to the kids. Doesn't indulge my mother-in-law when she gossips and when my DH had an accident at football, she lent me her car, asked if I had cash and offered me her debit card. I could not fault her.
While I come from a very 'traditional family' where everything is straightforward she has a couple of step-mothers and a step-father and lots of siblings, half and step siblings.
Delighted now that she has had a surprise pregnancy.
I knew my husband was 'off' about something, but he denied it but was texting BiL a lot one evening.
The next day mother-in-law came round crying because DH was angry with BiL. They were getting married and BiL's partner had her heart set on this particular venue; she wants everyone to sit around one table and to accommodate her family and friends she thought I wouldn't need to be invited. She wants sibs, parents and friends, no plus ones and definitely no children.
BiL had raised it with DH who strongly objected. BiL was sad that his partner won't get the wedding she deserved. DH has confirmed everything.
What would you do?
Her family are perhaps more 'sophisticated' than mine. If I am there then all of her sibs will have to have plus ones and she won't get the wedding she wants. She hasn't spoken to me about this. I am utterly devastated but should I approach them and say I am ok with this?
DH can just about stomach the kids not being there but will not go to wedding without me.

OP posts:
Daddystepdaddy · 17/06/2018 22:50

It seems that most posters seem to be playing this as an issue with OP and STBSIL. From a make perspective I can assure you the issue for DH is with his brother. That is where the damage is going to be done.

Daddystepdaddy · 17/06/2018 22:51

*male not make!

JaniceBattersby · 17/06/2018 22:52

As much as it would hurt me and upset me, I’d absolutely take the higher ground and wish them a lovely day and send your husband along. They already know you’re upset. You don’t need to labour it now. Don’t let their shitty behaviour affect your own behaviour. Do unto others and all that. You’re the one who will come across as utterly lovely and fabulous and, as they move past the wedding, it will start to dawn on them how ridiculously selfish and stupid they’ve been.

I bet all of her other siblings’ partners will be equally pissed off. Let them be the ones to kick up a fuss. She’s going to cause WW3 but she can’t say you didn’t warn her. Just bow out with grace, however much it stings.

AmazingPostVoices · 17/06/2018 22:52

It might not make a difference to her on a day to day basis but it will make a difference to your BIL and possibly to her child.

However I think you are doing the dignified thing.

Mrsmadevans · 17/06/2018 22:53

I am wondering if she feels her DH family are not good enough to go to the wedding of the year. I think your DH is brilliant OP.

KatriKling · 17/06/2018 22:53

This sounds so bizarre. I tend to think the point of a wedding 'celebration' is to have people you care about witness the union & share in the joy. Sounds like there will be a fair number of people who will find it a challenge to do that.

OP I also wonder how many people are being invited from the groom's side because your description makes sound like it will be attended mostly by the bride's side. I also wonder where your BIL is in all of this; sounds like he's a passenger at his own wedding.

LuluJakey1 · 17/06/2018 22:55

If SIL had got married and asked DH and not me we would have been upset . We didn't know her fiance that well but had liked him very much the time we had spent with him over the year they had been together and we are really close to SIL and would both have wanted to be there for her.
I think the chouce she is making totally ignores your relationship with BIL.It isn't all about her and what she wants.

KatriKling · 17/06/2018 22:55

Just saw your recent message OP. Hey ho.

Notonthestairs · 17/06/2018 22:57

I agree she might believe it won't make a difference to her but it will because her husband and his brother have fallen out.
I'd feel upset for my DH in that situation.

Minniemooseishere · 17/06/2018 22:58

So if she's allowed to invite her friends and family why isn't your BIL?

pompomcat · 17/06/2018 22:58

You sound very kind and understanding OP-so many people would have been incredibly affronted (and would have had a right to be!) and made things very difficult for BIL and future SIL. & I am so pleased to see your DH standing up for you and the DC. I hope that whatever happens with the wedding BIL and SIL treat you well in future, you really deserve itThanks

neurotransmittens · 17/06/2018 22:58

Agree with what Daddystepdaddy said. It’s the brothers relationship which will be affected, whether the OP’s DH attends the wedding or not, there’s going to be a change. The invitation to not invite has put paid to that.

iheartmichellemallon · 17/06/2018 22:59

How awful for you Op & totally unnecessary to cause upset between the brothers. I actually think she's probably a bitch who is good at appearing lovely as otherwise there's no excuse for her behaviour. She could easily pass your invitation off as one from your BILs numbers, so still 'fair' on both sides.

Seems to me that she's unbothered by causing a rift between brothers & that's not a nice person.

MiddleMoffat · 17/06/2018 23:01

Your soon to be SIL is putting a VENUE above relationships. One day of her life... yet a lifetime with her family slighted.

This does not bode well, and will not end well.

SandyY2K · 17/06/2018 23:03

send your husband along.

Makes it sound like he's a child.

ohfourfoxache · 17/06/2018 23:04

Although TANBU to want the wedding they want to have, YADNBU to be bloody upset about it.

Unfortunately I think this will inevitably lead to cooling of the relationship, even if they now invite you. You’ll always remember this.

Ultimately it’s your DH’s decision not to go. In his position I sure as hell wouldn’t be going

SandyY2K · 17/06/2018 23:06

When marriages start off with one person wanting everything their way it doesnt bode well.

She clearly holds the power in the relationship...which is fine if your BIL continues to be a doormat and puts her on a pedestal as he seems to.

winterisstillcoming · 17/06/2018 23:09

Mmmmm.... I am thinking that you should be more offended by BIL. Just because he is conveniently blaming her for not inviting you. They are both not inviting you, the reason doesn't matter, that's their problem. They could easily say that you've been invited as it's only one spouse, but can't invite the spouses on her side of the family as there are too many. Full stop. It's a lame excuse and BIL has fallen for it.

I can understand her not bothered about you being there, but BIL should want you there at his wedding. It says more about him than her.

FrancisCrawford · 17/06/2018 23:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fruitcorner123 · 17/06/2018 23:10

Friends can be more important than family for some people

agreed but it sounds like that isn't the case for BIL who is very close to his brother and wife and their kids. He must be sad to be hurting his family.

KatriKling · 17/06/2018 23:14

And what Winterisstillcoming said.

FrancisCrawford · 17/06/2018 23:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AtreidesFreeWoman · 17/06/2018 23:21

I'd bow out gracefully but I'd damn well remember.

So in the future I'd be sure to pull out the "my way even if it's offensive to you" card at an appropriate time.

And it will come...you say she's nice but actions speak louder than words.

I'll bet good money in a few years she'll be the sort of SIL guilting you into childcare for her whilst never reciprocating.

Rainbunny · 17/06/2018 23:21

Sorry but that's really off IMO. I wouldn't go in your DH's position either. It would change my feelings about the bride as well to be honest.

scaryteacher · 17/06/2018 23:21

I think ‘falling out’ with us will have no effect on her life at all on a day to day level It will though, as bil won't like no longer being welcome in the same way at the OPs house, and the rift will be there with his brother, and will always be so. Maybe that's what she wants?