Brother-in-law's wedding

[ParkaGirl]

I am new. Created an account just for this.
Love my brother-in-law, a few years younger than DH, he was best man at our wedding 7 years ago. He did an absolutely sterling job. He did not have a partner when we got married.
He often drops in after work to play with the kids and meets up with my DH often, they are close.
He met his partner about 4 years ago, she is absolutely lovely; if I had a complaint it would be that we don't see her enough, but when we are together she is amazing, good to the kids. Doesn't indulge my mother-in-law when she gossips and when my DH had an accident at football, she lent me her car, asked if I had cash and offered me her debit card. I could not fault her.
While I come from a very 'traditional family' where everything is straightforward she has a couple of step-mothers and a step-father and lots of siblings, half and step siblings.
Delighted now that she has had a surprise pregnancy.
I knew my husband was 'off' about something, but he denied it but was texting BiL a lot one evening.
The next day mother-in-law came round crying because DH was angry with BiL. They were getting married and BiL's partner had her heart set on this particular venue; she wants everyone to sit around one table and to accommodate her family and friends she thought I wouldn't need to be invited. She wants sibs, parents and friends, no plus ones and definitely no children.
BiL had raised it with DH who strongly objected. BiL was sad that his partner won't get the wedding she deserved. DH has confirmed everything.
What would you do?
Her family are perhaps more 'sophisticated' than mine. If I am there then all of her sibs will have to have plus ones and she won't get the wedding she wants. She hasn't spoken to me about this. I am utterly devastated but should I approach them and say I am ok with this?
DH can just about stomach the kids not being there but will not go to wedding without me.

I'm not sure why your mil was so shocked that her family got on?

I suspect your BIL now be part of their clique and you guys will see little of them tbh. Very much all about the bride and being showy - each to their own. Must have been odd 4 from BIL family (how come cousin was invited?) and an awful lot more from SIL family and friends..

While I completely get why they have done what they did i can't believe the groom only got to invite 4 guests while the bride by the sounds of it got at least 16?! A completely weird set up but there you go, nowt as weird as folk 😂

I've found that so called free spirited people are more self centred and are unable to see things from other perspectives. And I agree with pp who said your bil has become a part of his new wife's clique. He has upgraded you all.
Good luck to him because he will certainly need it.

Fascinating thread, because the one thing that really stood out for me is that your/your husband's family come across as very peculiar people with massive chips on shoulders, and the SIL's family sound completely normal and perfectly nice. Your FIL interfered to a frankly batshit degree. You all wilfully ignored the perfectly reasonable explanation you were given as to why you weren't invited, and tried to make it all about you- to the extent that the bride's mother noticed how favoured you are. And then they turned up to what they admitted was a lovely wedding, determined to have a miserable time, and your husband was affronted and stanoffish when your SIL's family made the effort to be nice to him.
It sounds as though your BIL and SIL managed to have the wedding they wanted despite your family's best efforts- good for them.

I'd quite like to see the Mike Leigh or Jack Rosenthal film version of this. OP your sister's involvement was a brilliant comedy twist.

Seriously though I'm sorry it caused so much heartache, and credit to you (if not your ILs) for rising above.

The groom needs to put a foot down here or accept the consequences.

there was a thread a couple of weeks ago where "a foot was put down" sister and mother bullied the couple in to making the let children gowhich meant that the other SiL put her "foot down".

the thread was generally about how shit the woman and her family had been treated by the couple and how her DH had sulked about it.

The thread was split between the entitlement of the OP and her mother, the way that the couple treated them (even though it was last minute) and how family should always come first.

Seems to me that this thread is similar in that whatever the groom does he will be wrong, whatever the bride does there is only one way that she will be happy.

And however the day goes the ILs will find cause to complain.

As I have posted a few times my brother excluded sibs’ spouses from his wedding so we could all sit round one fucking table and have free champagne. It was hurtful and not something I would do, however I am interested in people saying that step-parents and step siblings people who potentially helped raise someone and people who share a sibling with you are regarded as relatives by marriage (of course they are technically) in the same way as siblings’ spouses. Of course they are not and should take precedence over sibs’ spouses.
I stress I would not have don what BiL did but what they did do had logic. They excluded the same tier of relative.
They appropriately treated half and step the same but excluded partners. Had they had half each in terms of guests (really a couple) SiL would not have been able to invite half her crew and BiL would have been left with some vacancies. They had a weird wedding but there was inherent logic. Had Parka gone they would have to invited about 10 or 12 others of the same ‘category’.

So they wanted a tiny wedding with just parents, siblings and a few close friends, and now WW3 has broken out? How silly. It's half a day and a meal you've missed out on so there was no need for it to cause such angst.

Oops I didn't RATFT. Sorry!

But why didn't FIL offer to pay for the wedding in the first place? He paid for his older son's huge wedding but then only offered to pay for this one too late. Sounds like a bit of resentment has been festering all round, none of it down to you OP.

Agreed Doob.

It does sound like they put show over everything else which is a shame but each to their own. To be honest I've never been offended by couples not being included. DH once wasn't included in a wedding I was to an old friend and I was fine with it. She's short of money and he's only met her a few times. This is different though your families are merging together and it would be natural to include you. I would try your best to put it behind you for the sake of future cousins and DH and his brother though.

I do agree *EWAB& step siblings and parents might be people yo've grown up with and helped to raise you so it does make sense that they're more important to you than siblings' spouses.

I'm glad they had the day they wanted and wish them a very happy marriage. I think you mil is being very odd being so shocked and upset because people have step mothers or half sisters what exactly is her problem with this? and it does sound like people tried to welcome then it wasn't their fault your husband found it alien and didn't want to chat. Some people elope some people pick witnesses of the street , get married on a beach , some people have huge weddings we are all different. I think Fil probably had to expect he might not be brides favourite person right now after what he did as it was totally out of line. Hopefully now they are married it resolves and you can all drop it and welcome their baby into your life. I think you need to not make a big deal of it to ils and just say it's fine rather than keeping it going. I do feel for you being upset but it does seem like it was blown into a huge thing rather than just accepting yes you found it hurtful but their was nothing anyone could do about it. The phone calls to bil , interfering , everyone's upset probably didn't help the situation.

A massive thank you to everyone for replying. Even those who didn’t agree with me helped me clarify things and I am absolutely not going to make mistakes with my own children.
Just to clarify my FiL did not pay for my wedding but contributed to it and paid our deposit and stamp duty. BiL apparently asked him to do the same some five years later but was refused on the grounds they didn’t know SiL.
FiL did not do this to be malicious but now it’s in black and white on here I see how upsetting this is. Our house appreciated in value so in real terms we received more than the face value of the cash.
I will always match any help we give our children in ‘real time ‘ so to speak.
When offered money for wedding to be able to include ALL in-laws BiL became bitter feeling that we have benefited greatly and logically FiL and particularly MiL can see this. This did not inform decisions about wedding.
It appears new SiL will not associate with FiL so we will never have a happy extended family. She is prepared for BiL to bring the baby to see them but will “look with interest “ to see if it is treated differently.
I have not seen SiL for months and my DH behaved impeccably throughout wedding. My MiL is just very straight laced and traditional. Her family would always pretend half-siblings were siblings she isn’t used to that kind of boho people. Posting on here has really helped me. Thank you.

It isn't 'boho' (wtf?) to call yourself a step sibling or for ex/current wives to get on. 😂

And I can fully appreciate where sil is coming from after your update. Fil didn't want to help them financially as they did you, because he didn't know her. But then expected to be seen as close enough to have a say in the wedding? And then only offered cash to attempt to get you, the family he did help, invited? I'm sure you can see how that must look!

Following your updates I can see where SIL is coming from tbh in her dislike of FIL. Unfortunately you've been caught up in it all when you didn't do anything wrong.
I don't agree that inviting you necessarily means having to invite the bride's siblings spouses. If the groom is close to you he ought to have invited you as his friend rather than his brother's wife. It's okay to say to guests that X person is invited because they are personally close to the groom.
Of course that might mean the bride's family took offense and in the end the bride is more willing to upset you than them. That might just be down to the fact that you are one person and her 'side' involves more people. Or it could be that given how she feels about your ILs generally, she isn't too fussed on whether they are offended and thinks they've made their bed, so to speak.

🧟‍♂️

What is it about weddings that turns people into complete, raging arseholes? I'd be just as happy if I never attended one again.

Personally, I'd say DH could attend or otherwise as he pleased, but I'd be grateful to have been given such a legitimate reason not to attend.

It could well colour your relationship with her in the future, which is unfortunate when you thought all was well beforehand. But in doing this, she's shown you exactly where you stand on her list of priorities.

To preempt the everlasting MN parrot cry, it's her wedding and her choice to invite whoever she wants. By the same token, she'll have to suck up the consequences of that choice. And one such consequence is that the people she's decided to snub may legitimately decide to withdraw from her.

Such is life.

NB just noticed how old the thread is. How did it get back up to the top of the board. Nonetheless, note to self: RTFT. ...

It got linked to on another thread Mariel

Now that this has popped up again, I'd love to know how things turned out!

How did it go OP?