Brother-in-law's wedding

[ParkaGirl]

I am new. Created an account just for this.
Love my brother-in-law, a few years younger than DH, he was best man at our wedding 7 years ago. He did an absolutely sterling job. He did not have a partner when we got married.
He often drops in after work to play with the kids and meets up with my DH often, they are close.
He met his partner about 4 years ago, she is absolutely lovely; if I had a complaint it would be that we don't see her enough, but when we are together she is amazing, good to the kids. Doesn't indulge my mother-in-law when she gossips and when my DH had an accident at football, she lent me her car, asked if I had cash and offered me her debit card. I could not fault her.
While I come from a very 'traditional family' where everything is straightforward she has a couple of step-mothers and a step-father and lots of siblings, half and step siblings.
Delighted now that she has had a surprise pregnancy.
I knew my husband was 'off' about something, but he denied it but was texting BiL a lot one evening.
The next day mother-in-law came round crying because DH was angry with BiL. They were getting married and BiL's partner had her heart set on this particular venue; she wants everyone to sit around one table and to accommodate her family and friends she thought I wouldn't need to be invited. She wants sibs, parents and friends, no plus ones and definitely no children.
BiL had raised it with DH who strongly objected. BiL was sad that his partner won't get the wedding she deserved. DH has confirmed everything.
What would you do?
Her family are perhaps more 'sophisticated' than mine. If I am there then all of her sibs will have to have plus ones and she won't get the wedding she wants. She hasn't spoken to me about this. I am utterly devastated but should I approach them and say I am ok with this?
DH can just about stomach the kids not being there but will not go to wedding without me.

It's the imbalance that's off - how many guests are hers and how many bil's?

Because it sounds like "his side" are being seriously outnumbered!

" Also if I’d had to chose between family and friends I chose friends as I’m closer to them than most of my family." But she's choosing to have HER friends over her FIANCÉ's family!

I'd love to know how bil genuinely feels about this.

THEIR wedding THEIR day is often spouted and while that's true - to a degree - I think it's gone too far sometimes.

If you're having a very small wedding/elopement then keeping it to immediate family is understandable - but it doesn't sound like that's what's happening here - it sounds like she's running roughshod over her FIANCÉ's and his family's feelings and offending people when there's no need.

HER friends should rightly not be invited if there aren't enough places once FIANCÉ's FAMILY is accounted for.

"Very odd, but it is her wedding. " no it's THEIR wedding - takes two for a wedding (and a marriage - this doesn't bode well for that imo!)

It's his wedding too.

And where's this "the wedding she deserves" coming from? It's not all about her.

As dh has supported you, you need to support him - ESPECIALLY if you're asked by anyone outside the 2 of you. Tell him PRIVATELY you don't mind if he goes, but if he chooses not to you must PUBLICLY support him. Inc if she's to be considered welcome in your home in the future too.

I do think she is behaving dreadfully to people who have treated her well and welcomed her wholeheartedly.

If her and her family really were more 'sophisticated' she'd have been raised with better bloody manners!!

Regarding her behaviour where she 'helped loads' there's a certain type of person will do that kinda thing not altruistically but specifically to look Saint like! Plus it gets them favours/beneficial treatment in the future. I'd be wary of accepting any offers of further help.

ONLY on mn have I seen it described as acceptable to invite only one half of a COMMITTED COUPLE to a wedding. One of my bridesmaids was my best mate from uni, wouldn't have dreamed of inviting her (and have her do all the faff involved with being a bm) and NOT her husband whom I hadn't met!

Mind you I had a ton of children there too (mainly nieces and nephews) which is another mn no-no (they all behaved very well, didn't disrupt the service and had a rare old time at the reception mainly keeping the grandparents entertained).

DEFINITELY any of my grooms siblings, if I'd have tried on this kinda crap re not inviting their spouses/partners my groom would have thought I was bonkers AND told me I was being utterly ridiculous and selfish!! And vice versa.

She's being far too prescriptive, life isn't like that.

Weddings are good for finding out what people are REALLY like.

Weird.

It would be like Prince Harry inviting William but not Kate.

'The wedding she wanted'

Without the groom's sister in law and nephew/niece there?

I think your DHs brother should have word with them both about this wedding. Its going to upset a lot of people.

If I was your DH, I would refuse to go. Your not some bird who hes been shagging for a few month, your his wife and the mother of his child/children.

Sounds horrible. I understand modern families can be complicated with step siblings etc but not inviting your new BILs wife to your wedding is incredibly rude and hurtful.

so .. is your Father in law going to be in attendance... but MIL won't be there as his plus one ?

Tell your DH never mind you’ll go to BIL’s next wedding

It is a bit annoying but it's their wedding and not really your business. Your DH husband needs to grow up: saying he won't go without you - you're not his mum.

Oh my God, are you me?
This is exactly what happened with my brother and his wife, exactly the same scenario.
What is it about sitting round one fucking table? They were TTC and wanted to tie up loose ends so only invited siblings but no spouses and of course their friends. I actually cried a lot OP. We did go and it was lovely: linen, crystal, I didn't know hydrangeas came in that size and wax dripping off fucking candelabras but my partner wasn't there! My brother turned round and said if they invited people who were close to us it would mean they couldn't invite people who were close to them.

I think your DH has to go though; I couldn't miss my brother's wedding. We wouldn't have come back from it.

My partner maintained a dignified silence but another in-law 'forgot' their keys so marched into the venue to pick up a spare from their spouse, prompting bride's father to invite them to have a drink...my brother has never forgiven them.
What I got from a poster further up this kind of thing helps you to clarify what 'family' is. You and I clearly think very differently from your Sil and my brother. It really affected me.
You are on an anonymous forum, people can't grasp the nuance of people and second guess their thoughts but I bet your SiL isn't doing this to hurt anybody, bet her posh family won't be offended and I bet she does like you but compartmentalises stuff and on many levels is as nice as you say she is. Really encourage your husband to go. I think her being pregnant is making your BiL feel vulnerable and he wants her to have her own way.

I think the OP has hit the nail on the head with her latest update. She sees SIL only three or four times a year. They are not friends. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Whether or not DH goes is a separate issue, but the fact that the B & G want to limit numbers, and therefore OP didn’t make the cut...I don’t see why there is so much angst around it, to be honest.

But OP, this is quite an identifying thread if you haven’t changed any details. It’s sxactly the kind of thread the papers like to publish.

How big is this table?

She sounds a bit spoilt, your husband could just go for the ceremony but not attend the meal......maybe she could invite more of her friends. It seems very ill mannered and I would be offended as well.

Your dh is right. Even if he did go, it would still be that wedding where his brother didn’t think his wife counted enough as family to come. Maybe he could go to the ceremony but I’d rather my dh didn’t. I wouldn’t go in his place, I’d say whats the point? There’s nothing special about getting married if you don’t believe it turns someone into family so not sure why you’re doing this. I’ll be home with my family.!

This wouldn’t bother me and I would understand and accept the reasons. I certainly don’t see any reason to fall out over it. I’d suggest to your husband that he goes and that he enjoys himself to boot. This will only cause a drama if you and your husband want it too. They aren’t doing it to be mean or to upset you, they are doing it because they want a ‘nice’ but intimate wedding.

She is choosing to have an expensive wedding and exclude family members, probably wants to impress people. Her priorities are pretty obvious, she is shallow and materialistic.

Just start distancing yourself from them, BIL obviously agrees with what's important to her. What a pity.

Knobheads.

It is very strange for BIL not to invite brothers wife to his wedding. You don't mention other siblings so is it only PIL and DH going if he goes? Your DH is perfectly within his rights not to go. It sounds like BIL will have hardly anyone from his side and SIL lots of siblings even if other halves don't go. Choosing friends over close family also seems odd. However it is your BILs wedding so totally up to him but I think it understandable if your DH doesn't go.

"and fears she won’t marry him if compromises are made" wow! Posted before seeing this. I honestly don't see this marriage lasting. Groom already concerned if wedding not up to brides 'standard' then he isn't deemed 'good enough' you say she is nice but frankly reading (not very hard) between the lines she sounds an insufferable snob!

Their wedding , their choices.

Others can get offended to the moon and back. If you want to get offfended that’s up to you.

Doesn’t change a thing. Guest list is up to the ones getting married.

It’s not about anyone else or their notions about what a wedding should be .

"ask anyone about etiquette and I'm sure there would be a unanimous view that you really ought to invite your SIL to a wedding!"

Unless Meghan and Harry's Wedding has changed the rule of etiquette, if it's good enough for the Royals.

I think it's to cut out people who she doesn't like. Half/step Siblings can be tricky, if they have had a different upbringing than you and their Partners are not people you want to be in a room with, when alcohol is flowing.

Women should hang on to their Friends. if the marriage goes tits up and they need support, where are they going to get it from?

It's a straight decision by your DH. Does he accept that they have a different way of doing things and think everyone has the right to decide how their events are going to go.

Or, he falls out with them. Upsets his Mother and changes the Family dynamics.

Seeing the pressure my eldest DD puts on my middle DD, who has children. I'm of the mind that whilst we are members of a Family, we don't lose our right to be individuals.

"probably wants to impress people. Her priorities are pretty obvious, she is shallow and materialistic"

She may genuinely have her heart set on the venue and because of that they have to limit numbers.

She's training to be a Doctor? You realise life is too short to live your life to suit others.

If her and her family really were more 'sophisticated' she'd have been raised with better bloody manners!!

Doesn't always follow

I'm sorry OP. That is rough and hard not to be hurt.

People turn crazy when planning weddings, obsessing on every single detail as of world peace depended upon it, when actually, it's just one day. An important celebration of love, but it's not an indicator of how the marriage will pan out and people lose all perspective.

I bet a few years down the line, she will be incredibly embarrassed about this.

Maintain your dignity. Smile. Tell your DH to go. Hopefully once their child is born, their priorities will change and you can work on having a closer relationship, even if just for the kids.

I agree with pp's who have said they'd be upset at not being invited. The SIL is being U. Of course you should be invited as should your kids. You're FAMILY. I'd be distancing myself if I were you. I get that you can't always invite everyone you would want to but you're close family and have a right to be invited. It should go without saying really.

If you were the only one not invited I could totally understand your, and your DHs reaction. If there were 'some' ILs and not others, I could also understand.
It's not like that though. It is an across the board decision and, rather than making it about yourselves, why not try and understand that they do not view weddings in the same way as you do?

You can either let this fracture the family or ensure it doesn't. They really aren't doing anything 'wrong'. There is nothing personal about this decision. They just don't see it the same as you.
Put on your big girl panties, wish them all the very best and raise a glass together next time you see them

I'd be upset if I were you, OP. very upset.

That said, if BIL wants to marry and wants his brother at the ceremony, then I'd be fine with that.

but I would worry about BIL not being in a very equal relationship - still that is his look out and if she is pregnant I can see why he is keen to marry.

If I were you, OP, I would disengage. dh goes off to the wedding of his brother. Then realise you will never be close to this woman. If she meets up with you and wants to talk about the wedding smile at her and say sorry but I wasn't there. She isn't interested in you - which is kind of sad but that means you don't need to be interested in her.

I would not want to marry in these circumstances if I were your BIL.