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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother-in-law's wedding

312 replies

ParkaGirl · 17/06/2018 21:08

I am new. Created an account just for this.
Love my brother-in-law, a few years younger than DH, he was best man at our wedding 7 years ago. He did an absolutely sterling job. He did not have a partner when we got married.
He often drops in after work to play with the kids and meets up with my DH often, they are close.
He met his partner about 4 years ago, she is absolutely lovely; if I had a complaint it would be that we don't see her enough, but when we are together she is amazing, good to the kids. Doesn't indulge my mother-in-law when she gossips and when my DH had an accident at football, she lent me her car, asked if I had cash and offered me her debit card. I could not fault her.
While I come from a very 'traditional family' where everything is straightforward she has a couple of step-mothers and a step-father and lots of siblings, half and step siblings.
Delighted now that she has had a surprise pregnancy.
I knew my husband was 'off' about something, but he denied it but was texting BiL a lot one evening.
The next day mother-in-law came round crying because DH was angry with BiL. They were getting married and BiL's partner had her heart set on this particular venue; she wants everyone to sit around one table and to accommodate her family and friends she thought I wouldn't need to be invited. She wants sibs, parents and friends, no plus ones and definitely no children.
BiL had raised it with DH who strongly objected. BiL was sad that his partner won't get the wedding she deserved. DH has confirmed everything.
What would you do?
Her family are perhaps more 'sophisticated' than mine. If I am there then all of her sibs will have to have plus ones and she won't get the wedding she wants. She hasn't spoken to me about this. I am utterly devastated but should I approach them and say I am ok with this?
DH can just about stomach the kids not being there but will not go to wedding without me.

OP posts:
fruitbrewhaha · 17/06/2018 21:41

Why is it her wedding and not his?

sonjadog · 17/06/2018 21:41

I´d be fine with it. It is a bit unusual, sure, but it is the only way for her to get the wedding she wants (and presumably BiL also wants), and therefore I would accept it without a fuss. If she invites you, then they have to invite a lot of other people and the wedding will change form. I don't think that they should have to do that just to accommodate you.

Beach11 · 17/06/2018 21:42

Why can’t BIL invite you? Glad DH has spoken up

Firenight · 17/06/2018 21:43

She needs to cut her cloth to suit her budget. She can’t afford her wedding if she can’t invite the people she is close to.

I would be really hurt in those circumstances and don’t think you are at all unreasonable to feel so.

BluebellCockleshell123 · 17/06/2018 21:44

It doesn't sound like it's going to be a massive wedding if they are all sitting round one table and I can understand that if she invites you then she'll feel obliged to invite all her siblings' partners

But...it sounds like she will have masses of family attending and your BIL will have less family there, so I think if his family is smaller then she should have taken this into account and invited you.

I can see why it would be upsetting to your DH, but this isn't a personal snub so if I was you I wouldn't go and would encourage DH to go without me.

arethereanyleftatall · 17/06/2018 21:46

To all those saying she's putting friends before family, that's not necessarily true, as we don't know numbers.

For example;
Space for 30
16 siblings
Plus ones would make 32, so no siblings can go
14 spare places

sockunicorn · 17/06/2018 21:46

FRIENDS being invited is not ok. Youre BILs friend arent you? So if youre not invited as his SIL you should be as his friend. I would tell the bitch to shove her wedding and leave them to it. what about when they have kids? if she wants the same for christenings and birthday parties and excludes you? walk away from her now.

LucilleBluth · 17/06/2018 21:48

Not ok at all, very very rude and out of order. Well done DH.

Anon12345ABC · 17/06/2018 21:49

I'm all for married couples not having to be invited to everything together etc, but this, no way. I'd be fuming with them. If my brother gets married and says my DH and DCs aren't invited but his fiancé's friends are, I don't think I'd bother going. If SIL got married again and said I wasn't invited amd neither were our children but her mates and step family were, nope, wouldn't be happy with that either. I can see why your DH is upset.

Even if you can just, just stretch to understanding why spouses aren't invited, I'd be pissed off at nieces and nephews, actual blood relatives, being ignored.

yikesanotherbooboo · 17/06/2018 21:50

Well if this is blood family only then it is ok but if friends are going then you are entitled to feel hurt. You have no say in it however and I think you just have to take it on the chin and try to get over it. Your DH has to go. I must admit it would colour my thinking about her if she is really more worried about the venue than her family.

Fruitcorner123 · 17/06/2018 21:51

I would bow out if I was not wanted there but I am glad your DH has made it clear that he is not happy about it. It is going to affect your relationship with them forever. I wish people realised that their wedding is essentially just a day long party and real life lasts a lot longer than that. In this scenario they should amend what they want to include you as hurting your feelings and your DH feelings should have been something they wouldn't have wanted to do.

Notevilstepmother · 17/06/2018 21:54

I wonder if one of her siblings has an absolutely dreadful husband or wife?

It sounds like she is otherwise nice, can you cut MIL out of the conversation and speak to her directly about how this has upset you as you see BIL as a brother and her as a friend, while acknowledging her right to invite who she wants. If she has a lot of siblings she might not realise you’d be bothered?

Awkward but better than letting it fester in my opinion.

BewareOfDragons · 17/06/2018 21:55

She is picking friends over her future husband's close family.

Family she is marrying into.

She has lost the plot.

elephantscanring · 17/06/2018 21:55

So how many people are going to the wedding? 20 or 200?

Seems bonkers to me to choose an expensive venue and invite few people. I’d rather have everyone I want there at a cheaper venue.

Doesn’t BIL have a say at all??

If she wants to invite only your dh, up to her.
But your dh can say, no, sorry. He doesn’t want to go without you/the dc.

Wow. Good luck with this one!

DPotter · 17/06/2018 21:55

Surely it's 'their' wedding not 'hers'.
IME bride and groom try to have equal numbers of family & friends. So if STSIL has lots of family and BIL doesn't, he gets to invite more 'friends' to make up for it.

I think your DH is a lovely guy for sticking up for you. Keep out of the discussions / arguments - unless she asks directly herself and then tell her you're upset as you thought you were friends with both BIL and her. I should imagine members of her family also feeling put out. I think she's being very selfish especially to her soon to be husband.

Joinourclub · 17/06/2018 21:56

I think your husband has to go. But it’s sad for you both. As he’s close to his brother you probably imagined your kids being close cousins, family birthdays all together, etc etc but it seems she doesn’t want that.

Daddystepdaddy · 17/06/2018 21:57

I've posted on this before in other circumstances. It breaks all the rules of etiquette, is disrespectful to your marriage at a time of celebration of theirs and is just generally bang out of order. If the venue doesn't suit your family or you can't afford to invite partners of all but peripheral invitees then it is not the weddi g venue for you regardless of how nice it is. My wife and I turned down several great places exactly for these reasons.

NataliaOsipova · 17/06/2018 21:58

*She is entitled to the wedding she wants of course, and if a specific venue and seating plan are more important to her than accommodating family members, it is what it is.

Everyone else is entitled to their opinion of what that makes her.*

Perfectly put. Honestly - in your shoes, I'd rise above it. Encourage your DH to go to the ceremony and for a drink....and then leave because he has to get home to his family.

To be clear, though, this is nothing to do with "sophistication"; ask anyone about etiquette and I'm sure there would be a unanimous view that you really ought to invite your SIL to a wedding! Leave her to it and plan something nice for the day for you and the kids.

ScrubTheDecks · 17/06/2018 21:58

They should be able to choose the same number of guests each, and BIL can choose you!

It’s odd, and not nice. But you know it isn’t ‘personal ‘ since she is supportive and generous to you and takes an interest in the kids. Confused

NataliaOsipova · 17/06/2018 21:59

It breaks all the rules of etiquette, is disrespectful to your marriage at a time of celebration of theirs and is just generally bang out of order. If the venue doesn't suit your family or you can't afford to invite partners of all but peripheral invitees then it is not the weddi g venue for you regardless of how nice it is

Another excellent point.

Buzzlightyearsbumchin · 17/06/2018 21:59

Well if this is blood family only then it is ok but if friends are going then you are entitled to feel hurt.

Why? Would you really choose to invite someone who you don't see that much over friends you grew up with or see every day? I would be pissed off at having to invite a bunch of plus ones I hardly know and leaving out the people I'm closest too due to social ettiquite.

She is lovely to the op and her children, has helped out when needed. She clearly isn't a bitch at all. She just wants a small wedding with people close to her there. No big deal, sounds like it's no more than a meal out really.

Outlookmainlyfair · 17/06/2018 22:00

Very odd, but it is her wedding.
Is it worth jeopardising your relationship for?

Daddystepdaddy · 17/06/2018 22:03

And remember that for your DH this is not his future SIL not inviting her future SIL. This is his brother not inviting his wife, the mother of his children, said brothers nephews/neices. That would needle most men signifucantly. Weddings are not just about what the bride wants. The groom shouldn't be allowing it to damage important family relationships on his side.

Leeds2 · 17/06/2018 22:04

Has your DH told his brother that he won't be attending?

I think your DH is a star!

HollowTalk · 17/06/2018 22:07

Surely people work out how many people they want at their wedding and then decide where to hold it?

Celebrating their marriage but ignoring everyone else's seems a bit odd to me.