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Original poster

Brother-in-law's wedding

312 replies

ParkaGirl · 17/06/2018 21:08

I am new. Created an account just for this.
Love my brother-in-law, a few years younger than DH, he was best man at our wedding 7 years ago. He did an absolutely sterling job. He did not have a partner when we got married.
He often drops in after work to play with the kids and meets up with my DH often, they are close.
He met his partner about 4 years ago, she is absolutely lovely; if I had a complaint it would be that we don't see her enough, but when we are together she is amazing, good to the kids. Doesn't indulge my mother-in-law when she gossips and when my DH had an accident at football, she lent me her car, asked if I had cash and offered me her debit card. I could not fault her.
While I come from a very 'traditional family' where everything is straightforward she has a couple of step-mothers and a step-father and lots of siblings, half and step siblings.
Delighted now that she has had a surprise pregnancy.
I knew my husband was 'off' about something, but he denied it but was texting BiL a lot one evening.
The next day mother-in-law came round crying because DH was angry with BiL. They were getting married and BiL's partner had her heart set on this particular venue; she wants everyone to sit around one table and to accommodate her family and friends she thought I wouldn't need to be invited. She wants sibs, parents and friends, no plus ones and definitely no children.
BiL had raised it with DH who strongly objected. BiL was sad that his partner won't get the wedding she deserved. DH has confirmed everything.
What would you do?
Her family are perhaps more 'sophisticated' than mine. If I am there then all of her sibs will have to have plus ones and she won't get the wedding she wants. She hasn't spoken to me about this. I am utterly devastated but should I approach them and say I am ok with this?
DH can just about stomach the kids not being there but will not go to wedding without me.

OP posts:
Homemenu1 · 17/06/2018 22:08

I think it’s disgusting behaviour on her part, I’m not surprised your mil was upset and your dh cross. You are family ffs. Your bil is enrolled just as much to have his family there as well as STB sil.

She either has just blood relatives or not.

Of course she can do and will do whatever she likes, however she can’t expect their not to be consequences to her actions.

Fruitcorner123 · 17/06/2018 22:08

The groom shouldn't be allowing it to damage important family relationships on his side

Well put. I can't imagine how my DH would have reacted if I had said I didn't want his sister's DH at our wedding. He was a groomsman and is a part of our family. It would have been unthinkable not to invite him.

They have made a massive error of judgment here. let's hope they see sense.

DH should go but make his feelings clear in the lead up.

Oldbutstillgotit · 17/06/2018 22:08

Does BIL not get a say ??

Lalliella · 17/06/2018 22:09

She is prioritising her ideal venue over her STBH’s family? She has her priorities all wrong. BIL needs to be worried about what he’s getting into.

DPotter · 17/06/2018 22:09

Outlookmainlyfair
It's not her wedding though - it's their wedding. I know many men are quite happy to let their future wife take the lead on many aspects of wedding organisation, but surely they should get an equal crack for the guest list?

Love the username by the way - looking forward to my fix of weather reports from coastal stations this evening!

carefreeeee · 17/06/2018 22:10

Bride to be sounds mad. Is it worth jeopardising all future family harmony for the sake of her perfect big day? Because things will probably never be the same if she goes through with this

Homemenu1 · 17/06/2018 22:10

She just wants a small wedding with people close to her there. however she needs a groom and he’s entitled to have hid family there too, he’s a must have accessory for the wedding to go ahead.

MistressDeeCee · 17/06/2018 22:10

Family and friends but not including in-laws, partners is very bad manners. However it's her choice but she should equally accept your DH does not want to go if this is the case. Simple as that.

He may not be the only one that feels this way.

I really can't imagine knowing a couple and saying 'Id like to invite you but not your partner'. I have never, ever heard of this in real life, only on MN, so bad manners in this respect can't be that common thankfully.

Racecardriver · 17/06/2018 22:12

Why can't you be ones of your BIL's 'freinds'?

WhiteWalkerWife · 17/06/2018 22:13

Are you not your BILs friend?

She is entitled to the wedding she wants of course, and if a specific venue and seating plan are more important to her than accommodating family members, it is what it is.

Everyone else is entitled to their opinion of what that makes her.

This is very true.

SnowGoArea · 17/06/2018 22:13

I agree it's the friends bit that tips it over the edge into rude. Siblings and parents only would be different.

The trouble is it's the intention that hurts, so even if they backtrack and do decide to invite you it doesn't actually change much.

I'd just roll with it. DH can go to support his brother (if he wants to) and you both know for all future events that you are not really as close as you previously thought and that only minimal effort is required.

RhubarbRhubarbRhubarbRhubarb · 17/06/2018 22:13

That’s really rude and unfriendly of her imo. It’s all very well all this “bride and groom get the venue they want” stuff, but she should remember that you’re going to be connected as long as you’re both married to two brothers. Your dcs are cousins etc. Really stupid to exclude someone she will have to see at family events from now until whenever.

NataliaOsipova · 17/06/2018 22:13

I really can't imagine knowing a couple and saying 'Id like to invite you but not your partner'.

It is odd, isn't it? Fair enough - she invites her work colleagues as a team and not their husbands/wives, whom she's never met. They may choose not to come without partners, but it's nothing that would cause offence. But deliberately excluding your SIL is a very different kettle of fish.....

Buzzlightyearsbumchin · 17/06/2018 22:14

The groom is clearly agreeing with her over this.

Minniemagoo · 17/06/2018 22:18

She obviously views 'family' differently. Personally I couldn't imagine treating ILs as less but each to their own and thats ok except when it clashes. I think well done your Dh. If in your family you view all as family and no one less because they are not blood then she should be accepting of your Dhs decision not to go.

squeaver · 17/06/2018 22:21

So no one gets to take a plus-one? Including the friends she's invited? Or do her friends get to take their partners?

It's just so odd. And if it is the former, your DH isn't going to be the only one telling her so. I bet the plans change before the wedding.

SandyY2K · 17/06/2018 22:23

I don't blame your DH. You're his wife. Doesnt your BIL have a spine?

I wouldn't tell them I'm okay with it. Not a chance.

I'd be majorly pissed off and offended.

bf1000 · 17/06/2018 22:26

As her parents have split up, is she wanting direct relations. Ie. Mum, dad, brother sisters but no spouses. So no step parent but us doing it this way so there less aggro from step parents.

Or maybe mum won't go if the step mum goes or something?
Just seems odd if it's just saying no pouches of siblings must be a reason

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 17/06/2018 22:26

Is the bil usually such a walkover?

BeesButterflies · 17/06/2018 22:26

If the bride has lots of siblings, half and or step siblings all bringing a plus one the numbers can quickly get out of hand, she maybe feels that a ban on plus ones across the board is the only fair way. If she makes an exception for you, all the other ‘plus ones’ will be unhappy that an exception hasn’t been made for them. Bride and Groom have obviously discussed this and decided it’s the way to go.

ScattyCharly · 17/06/2018 22:26

It’s totally weird, rude and unacceptable for her not to invite you.

However, since that’s what she wants, I’d just let her crack on with it and say nothing about it. Be the bigger person. She’ll look a total twat doing it anyway and your mil is quite pissed off enough for all of you.

Fizzymama · 17/06/2018 22:28

Agree with most PPs, what about your BIL and his feelings, it is his wedding too afterall !! YES they can have the type of wedding they want, that doesn't mean to say those invited have to RSVP with a yes. And they really should be mindful of that. However, I think I would encòurage your DH to go to the ceremony - he might regret not going to this part of their day. But there is nothing forcing him to attend the whole day. He could just leave after that and not stay for the meal.

worridmum · 17/06/2018 22:29

Well I bet she would be the first one up in arms if she was not invited to a family function its always the same type they want things exactly how they like but if they get treated how they treat others the kick off massively.

I would pointly invite the BiL to an invite but not the soon to be SiL and she how she likes it.

Original poster
ParkaGirl · 17/06/2018 22:30

I am actually sitting here weeping as you have all been so nice to me.
I had the sort of wedding mumsnet despises. It was huge and my dad paid for it with a bit of help from in-laws. My family never row. We are like something out of the 50s so I completely doubt myself when my views are challenged. My DH’s family are the same. We are just ‘nice’.
I have met future SiL very rarely, maybe 3 or 4 times a year. On the occasion when I had no car and she lent me hers I had to go to her mum’s, very boho house. Her stepdad is a minor aristo. BiL and SiL have no money but parents in law would help.
BiL apparently asked her to marry him around two years ago but she wanted to finish training but now baby is coming.
I don’t think she has anything against me and is definitely not a bitch but definitely doesn’t see me as a friend.
BiL said to DH if I am invited there would be 7 spouses of full and half siblings plus uncountable spouses of steps.
BiL definitely feels she is entitled to choose this venue. He did say to DH we had loads to spend on ours and if they wanted something classy they couldn’t invite everyone. Had she not been pregnant they would have gone to beach somewhere.
We are not used to conflict.

OP posts:
Daddystepdaddy · 17/06/2018 22:31

The groom is clearly agreeing with her over this.

Absolutely and this is what will cause the most damage between the two brothers in this scenario. The groom needs to put a foot down here or accept the consequences. What a needlessly damaging way to start off life in a new family!