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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother-in-law's wedding

312 replies

ParkaGirl · 17/06/2018 21:08

I am new. Created an account just for this.
Love my brother-in-law, a few years younger than DH, he was best man at our wedding 7 years ago. He did an absolutely sterling job. He did not have a partner when we got married.
He often drops in after work to play with the kids and meets up with my DH often, they are close.
He met his partner about 4 years ago, she is absolutely lovely; if I had a complaint it would be that we don't see her enough, but when we are together she is amazing, good to the kids. Doesn't indulge my mother-in-law when she gossips and when my DH had an accident at football, she lent me her car, asked if I had cash and offered me her debit card. I could not fault her.
While I come from a very 'traditional family' where everything is straightforward she has a couple of step-mothers and a step-father and lots of siblings, half and step siblings.
Delighted now that she has had a surprise pregnancy.
I knew my husband was 'off' about something, but he denied it but was texting BiL a lot one evening.
The next day mother-in-law came round crying because DH was angry with BiL. They were getting married and BiL's partner had her heart set on this particular venue; she wants everyone to sit around one table and to accommodate her family and friends she thought I wouldn't need to be invited. She wants sibs, parents and friends, no plus ones and definitely no children.
BiL had raised it with DH who strongly objected. BiL was sad that his partner won't get the wedding she deserved. DH has confirmed everything.
What would you do?
Her family are perhaps more 'sophisticated' than mine. If I am there then all of her sibs will have to have plus ones and she won't get the wedding she wants. She hasn't spoken to me about this. I am utterly devastated but should I approach them and say I am ok with this?
DH can just about stomach the kids not being there but will not go to wedding without me.

OP posts:
NataliaOsipova · 17/06/2018 22:32

BiL definitely feels she is entitled to choose this venue.

Of course she is. And your DH is entitled to decline his invitation. Cuts both ways....

Minniemooseishere · 17/06/2018 22:33

Is she having friends there?

HeebieJeebies456 · 17/06/2018 22:34

You're her bil2b's WIFE with whom she has supposedly had a 'great' relationship with - very different to a 'plus one'.

Either she's been faking a good relationship with you for her partners sake, or she doesn't like her sibling's partners and would rather throw you under the bus than deal with it like a mature adult.

This is bil's wedding too and I'm assuming he also gets to choose/invite friends/family and that's how it can be explained? Or is it all about what she wants?

If she wants to create disharmony/a rift between the two brothers then she's going about it the right way......

neurotransmittens · 17/06/2018 22:37

Confused To me it reads as if there is an underlining factor here which the bride isn’t being open about. Is it possible she doesn’t get on with another of her step in-laws on her side of the family? Therefore by saying no plus ones, she’s eliminating the problem of having them at her wedding?
Sounds all very odd.
And the groom is fine with not having his SIL there; a SIL he has known for 7+ years?
Yeah very bride can want her wedding her way but this comes across batshit crazy to me.
You make room for people, especially family, even more for the family you get along with. I understand the no kids, but no partners or spouses of your brothers and sisters? Hmm
Yeah, that’s batshit

WinnieFosterTether · 17/06/2018 22:37

tbh I'd grin and bear it. You rarely see her so it's not a big insult or imposition on your life.
There could be reasons for the restricted guest list that they don't want to share eg a step-sibling's partner that they detest or an issue around the pregnancy that means DBIL wants to indulge her in choice of wedding venue, etc.
I imagine your DH will take his lead from you so you can either downplay it or add to the drama. I think the first is more dignified.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 17/06/2018 22:38

If she’s inviting 15, your bil should be able to invite 15 of his choice.

Daddystepdaddy · 17/06/2018 22:39

It seems that budget is the thing here. She is pregnant and broke and is desperately trying to hang on to get fairy tale wedding without thinking about the fact that the day is just the start of being part of a new family.

If there is no movement the do as others have suggested, DH goes to ceremony (potentially you too with the kids!) but nothing else. It makes a clear point without anyone being able to accuse him of missing his brother's wedding and shows you to be better people.

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 17/06/2018 22:39

And your DH is entitled to decline his invitation. Cuts both ways....
This
Its an invitation, not a summons

sonjadog · 17/06/2018 22:39

I think your new post explains more about why you aren't invited. You and she aren't friends, you only meet on a few occasions a year. She is friendly to you as you are her future inlaw, but you aren't friends. The wedding they want is only big enough for direct family and friends, and so that is who they want to invite. As nice as I'm sure you are and as well as you get on, you aren't a friend and including you would mean having to include a lot of other people who aren't close either.

ineedaholidaynow · 17/06/2018 22:41

Are any partners being invited?

HeebieJeebies456 · 17/06/2018 22:41

I have met future SiL very rarely, maybe 3 or 4 times a year....Her stepdad is a minor aristo....definitely doesn’t see me as a friend

Ah, i see....you made it sound like you two were close and had a great relationship!
In reality she's a snooty mare who doesn't want anything to do with her partner's 'common' family if she can help it

AmazingPostVoices · 17/06/2018 22:42

They can have any wedding they like but his brother and her siblings will remember their wedding with resentment rather than happiness because their partners weren’t invited.

It’s not a good way to start family life, in either family. She’s going to be blamed and the animosity will last 50 years.

It’s very poor etiquette, I’m surprise both sets of parents aren’t objecting tbh.

Daddystepdaddy · 17/06/2018 22:43

@sonjadog I'm afraid the "you're not close enough" excuse doesn't cut it with me for the brother of the groom's wife. She is on the groom's side at it is him who should be inviting her.

WildIrishRose1 · 17/06/2018 22:44

I'm offended on your behalf, OP. I had lots of friends at my wedding, many of whom I no longer see. You ARE family and will be so for a long time to come. I would probably respect her wishes on the end, but I would not forget the snub. Well done to your DH for sticking up for you.

Gemini69 · 17/06/2018 22:44

I'd be telling her to shove her Wedding up her ARSE... in the nicest possible way... Flowers

Snappedandfarted2018 · 17/06/2018 22:46

So other partners are invited but not you?

fabulous01 · 17/06/2018 22:46

On the positives you don't have to arrange child care as she sooner want kids there

At least now you know what she is like. I would be offended but life is too short. Let her get on with it and food luck to her. She may need it

Original poster
ParkaGirl · 17/06/2018 22:46

Unless I have an update I won’t keep posting but people are saying she will look a fool etc. I think she is a perfectly nice woman training to be a doctor. She has her own life and her own family. I think ‘falling out’ with us will have no effect on her life at all on a day to day level.
When I am in front of her she is lovely. I don’t suppose she gives any thought to me when I am not there. My DH has said that brother doesn’t want a ‘cheap wedding ‘ and fears she won’t marry him if compromises are made...,I want to be clear she won’t marry him in absolutely not a threat kind of thing just that it’s not a priority for her when marriage to his pregnant partner is an absolute priority for him.
I am not going to speak to anyone apart from Dh. Thank you everyone.

OP posts:
yorkshireyummymummy · 17/06/2018 22:47

Arnt people silly?
Just because of a sodding Venue choice your BIL and FSIL are willing to cause a potential spilt in the family that - in my experience- could last for years/decades/life.
God, I’m all for people having the wedding they want but if the wedding they want causes real, genuine hurt and upset to people they supposedly love then it really does not say much about them does it? Is a certain table in a particular room worth more than two brothers relationship??
Why are people so fucking selfish when it comes to weddings??

I must be from the 1950’s too ParkaGirl as I was brought up with the concept that a wedding was two people coming together as the start of a new family and that their mutual families came along for the ride. It’s a celebration of two people’s love isn’t it? To be shared with your nearest and dearest? Or is it now simply a big excessive exercise in ‘how to show off and alienate people’ but it’s seemingly ok to do this because ‘ it’s their wedding and they can do what they want???’
Well if they can do what they want so can you.
I think your hubby is FAB for saying he is not going and I’m afraid it would be a long time before I chose to spend any time with either of them - why would you, they aren’t family are they if you play by their rules.

MissEliza · 17/06/2018 22:48

I just can't comprehend how someone is supposed to go celebrate someone else's marriage when their own spouse isn't important enough to be there.

Gemini69 · 17/06/2018 22:48

you sound very lovely and kind OP.. Flowers

Imchlibob · 17/06/2018 22:48

Yanbu - but yeah probably she can't stand the spouse of one (or more) of her siblings or other invitees and she is taking the easy way out by excluding all of the same category.

No she isn't being reasonable and your DH shouldn't go - she has the right to invite who she wants but doesn't have the right to force anyone to accept the invitation if it's given like a slap in the face to the very concept of marriage.

NommyChompers · 17/06/2018 22:48

Friends can be more important than family for some people - especially if your family is spread out. If she has lots of siblings then it’s a lot of +1s and a blanket rule is easier. I wouldn’t be upset by this

Notonthestairs · 17/06/2018 22:49

It reads like her "side" of the table will be much bigger than BIL's. Even if bride and groom don't have exactly the same number of guests it would have been feasible to have included you and explained to her siblings because there are so many more of them that their spouses couldn't be included.

Regardless the damage between groom and your DH has been done - I doubt it's irretrievably broken but it's going to put it under strain.

I don't think there is much you can do but detach and let your DH decide whether he wants to attend.

lapenguin · 17/06/2018 22:50

I'd be offended that she doesn't see her future sil as family... Or at the very least a friend... Surely if you know them, are on good terms with them and are a long term partner then you are not considered a plus one... But an actual guest with a name and invite...