Staying off work with sick spouse

[Sashkin]

Just posting to see whose expectations are unreasonable here.

Spouse A is off work this week to supervise builders. Toddler came down with 24hr vomiting bug on Thursday night, so both parents were up most of Thursday night changing sheets/cleaning up toddler, and spouse A looked after him during the day on Friday (usually goes to nursery).

A came down with toddler’s bug on Friday night and was up vomiting. Spouse B is working twelve hour shifts this weekend (doctor). Should B have called in sick on Saturday morning to look after toddler so A could catch up on their sleep?

To avoid dripfeeding: Toddler was completely recovered by then, so A was doing normal childcare not mopping up toddler’s sick as well as their own. A finds solo childcare stressful at the best of times, and was in tears on Saturday morning at the thought of looking after toddler on minimal sleep.

B argues that B has done childcare in worse circumstances without complaint, and calling in sick would not be fair or safe on their patients or colleagues (departing night shift doctor would have had to stay to cover B’s shift, ie a 24hr shift), plus B is likely to be applying for consultant job in this trust in next few months so wants to avoid any perception of flakiness.

A says hospital cover is hospital’s problem not A or B’s problem, and should come second to toddler’s needs. A has long resented B’s job requiring evening and weekend work - A is self employed and much better paid than B, and does not see why B is working 60hr weeks to detriment of family life. Similar problems during B’s nightshifts with A angry that B is leaving A to parent alone overnight.

It’s probably obvious which parent I am, but I have tried to be fair to both sides. Would you expect your spouse to take the day off work to look after the children if you were ill but the children weren’t?

I asked my dh to take a day off work once years ago when I had two under 5s to look after and was absolutely on my knees with some kind of horrid feverish tonsillitis thing to the point the bedclothes were hurting my skin (and I’m never ill so wasn’t being dramatic honest ). I didn’t think I was being unreasonable in the slightest as I was too ill to take care of the dc and thought he needed to step up and provide childcare in the circumstances but he refused to take the day off so he would probably agree with you.

B you were right to go into work, if he stayed up to have a row with you then there was damn all wrong with him! We’ve both been ill at various times but we’ve had to go into work and leave the other at home....thought everyone did that!

Of course B should go to work!!

A needs to man up.... a lot,

l have had DV and looked after sick babies/toddler all night, whilst my DH slept in the spare room so he could perform well in a difficult and stressful job then next day , l just expected to muddle through tired and feeling grotty, but at home.

I had the bug few weeks ago with three vomiting children whilst husband flew overseas with work. It was truly truly awful but it is what needed to be done

Since DS was born, he has felt that my priorities shifted to DS, then job, then him. I’d say that is due to DS being utterly dependent on us, and work being utterly inflexible. But he does resent it, yes. He was much happier when I was on maternity leave and he had a SAHW

Self-centred arse. Crikey, why are some men such controlling delicate flowers?

Should B be going to work as a doctor whwn possibly about to come down with a vomitting bug?

You can't take time off work on the off-chance that you might become ill - that's ridiculous. Plus the fact that, depending on what type of doctor, medics are likely to be at risk of catching an illness every day of the week.

My husband is retired now, but in the past he has taken time off work when I was ill. Only if I was too ill to safely do childcare though- either on nebuliser because of severe asthma or on morphine for pain (turned out to be a stomach ulcer).
For anything less, like a d&v bug, I'd have done the bare minimum, called it DVD Party Day and moaned quietly from the sofa.

It's awful being sick and having a Well toddler to care for but it happens, I had chemo a few years ago, I met several ladies and gents who were single parents or whose partners worked (and needed to to cover loss of earnings from sick time from partners) they had their chemo and went home to look after the kids, I don't know how they did it but they did, they had to! A bug will be gone in a few days

You shouldn't call in sick unless you are sick.

Ive been A and as a single parent with no one to help I had to just carry on.

A finds solo childcare stressful at the best of times, and was in tears

A's trying to get out of looking after his kids again, isn't he.

If he carries on, you can well afford a nanny.

Your attitude looks entirely reasonable outside the NHS. He's being a bit pathetic.

I'm not sure. With your role as a doctor the repercussions of taking a day off could be a tired doctor making a life-threatening mistake, but...

The worst day of parenting I recall was when as a SAHM with vomiting bug, dizziness, fever etc I told my now ex that I wasn't safe to carry the baby up for nappy changes. He moved changing mat downstairs, made me a sandwich and sodded off to his office job 😰

B should go to work and A should grow up and stop being pathetic.

"A finds solo childcare stressful at the best of times, and was in tears"

Oh dear-was I wrong to laugh?

How do you carrying on respecting someone who behaves like that?

Well, sounds as if he needed this opportunity!

I am a teacher and DH has a job relating to the emergency services and his job cannot go uncovered. As in if he doesn’t go to work for an early shift the person on a nightshift will just have to stay until the afternoon shift starts or someone else can come in to cover. Ive had to look after DCs on my own with tonsillitis, sick bugs, all sorts. The one time in 16 years that I’ve taken a day off for DH was when He admitted to hospital with a life threatening Infection. He came home early from work when I was admitted to hospital when heavily pregnant. That’s it. Otherwise we’re on our own when the other is at work and that’s it.

I’m on the fence a little.

As many have already said, if A wasn’t constantly vomiting, just tired and a bit peeky then yes he’s being unreasonable. It doesn’t matter what job B does, it’s not reasonable to stay off so that someone can sleep.

I cannot understand how B can still be resentful of your shifts - it literally comes with the job. He shouldn’t have had a child with a doctor if he wasn’t prepared for this.

However, as the wife of a Dr who does lots of on calls and ‘life of death’ work, the culture of ‘but but but the PATIENTS’ is very damaging and I do think all staff have a bit of responsibility to resist it. It is exactly what the nhs thrives on to allow it to employ too few staff for its patient numbers.

The ‘ she is a dr, her job is more important than anything’ of some posters on this thread is a perfect example of how imbedded this culture is, even outside actual nhs staff. Drs can’t be allowed to get ill, get tired, miss work or in anyway be unavailable to their patients. Surely we can all see how damaging this is, not only to the drs family but the dr themselves? The pressure to stay late, cover colleagues or attend work when sick/stressed is enormous.

In this instance I think you did the right thing, but I take Bs point that actually no, your job can’t come before family all the time. If it does, well then you shouldn’t marry or have children, it’s not fair.

Random side point: Why is your trust allowing on call drs to pull double shifts? This must be against contract.

I do hope you’re more sympathetic with your patients than you seem to be being with your dh. You are incredibly lucky to be made of such sturdy stuff, you know.

I’m chronically ill so frequently find it difficult to look after my dd. She’s older now. But she was young once and I was far more poorly at the time and dh certainly wasn’t able to take time off to look after me. The only time I have told my dh I will need him to take time off is if I have a sick bug as I used to black out with them even before I became ill. Luckily for me I haven’t had one since dd was born.

It sounds as if your dh is generally healthy and therefore unless he’s going to be blacking out, no you shouldn’t have to take time off.

If your partner is saying that they are too ill to look after your toddler safely then you should ask a friend or relative if they could help or stay at home and look after them yourself. It is one shift and your team will cope. It is not flakey to need to look after your child on occasion because family circumstances demand it.

I think A need to be cut a bit of slack. After two nights of little sleep, looking after an energetic toddler whilst still ill is no-one's idea of a good time. However, I agree that cancelling a Dr's shift isn't optimal either. Are there no nursery/childminder options?

To think about it another way, if you'd been up for 48 hours and were still feeling ill, would you call in sick? I certainly would. That's effectively what A's doing.

I've certainly called my OH in tears when trying to parent whilst ill, and he came home straight away (I then reciprocated when he came down with the same bug!).

But I appreciate it's harder given your job. Any relatives nearby who might help?

If you are not registered with nursery/cm you can’t spontaneously enrol.
Cm and nursery have long waiting lists of years in some areas

Obviously That's why I asked whether there were any childminder/nursery options.

In the scenario you've described then yes, go to work. But I suspect that this is more indicative of a longer term thing. I think you probably, once the whole thing is calmed down more, have a chat about what needs you both feel are being met in the relationship, and what needs you both feel are being missed. He obviously feels that you don't prioritise him at the level he needs, it sounds like you feel he doesn't prioritise you're need to have a successful and fulfilling career. If you think he would be able to engage with this as an open and honest discussion (rather than just 'but you left me when I was sick') then it could help both of you see things from the other point of view.

It's really important to remember in any relationship that the other person in a person too, with hopes, dreams, wants and needs, and not a functional role (and it sounds like that may be just, or more applicable to your H as you btw - don't make it be you doing all the relationship 'work')

A needs to consider what it'd be like if they were a single parent. I've had lots of times when dd and I were both ill and I was struggling to even get out of bed, but I had to suck it up and do it.