Staying off work with sick spouse

[Sashkin]

Just posting to see whose expectations are unreasonable here.

Spouse A is off work this week to supervise builders. Toddler came down with 24hr vomiting bug on Thursday night, so both parents were up most of Thursday night changing sheets/cleaning up toddler, and spouse A looked after him during the day on Friday (usually goes to nursery).

A came down with toddler’s bug on Friday night and was up vomiting. Spouse B is working twelve hour shifts this weekend (doctor). Should B have called in sick on Saturday morning to look after toddler so A could catch up on their sleep?

To avoid dripfeeding: Toddler was completely recovered by then, so A was doing normal childcare not mopping up toddler’s sick as well as their own. A finds solo childcare stressful at the best of times, and was in tears on Saturday morning at the thought of looking after toddler on minimal sleep.

B argues that B has done childcare in worse circumstances without complaint, and calling in sick would not be fair or safe on their patients or colleagues (departing night shift doctor would have had to stay to cover B’s shift, ie a 24hr shift), plus B is likely to be applying for consultant job in this trust in next few months so wants to avoid any perception of flakiness.

A says hospital cover is hospital’s problem not A or B’s problem, and should come second to toddler’s needs. A has long resented B’s job requiring evening and weekend work - A is self employed and much better paid than B, and does not see why B is working 60hr weeks to detriment of family life. Similar problems during B’s nightshifts with A angry that B is leaving A to parent alone overnight.

It’s probably obvious which parent I am, but I have tried to be fair to both sides. Would you expect your spouse to take the day off work to look after the children if you were ill but the children weren’t?

Doctors treat people with d and v every day of the week. If we all took a day off work every time we had been exposed but were completely asymptomatic, there wouldn't be any doctors in work at all. First sign of symptoms is totally different, of course.

WTFnnoh What is it you think doctors do exactly? They are exposed to things like this every day ,they can't take time off everytime a patient comes to see them, just incase they catch whatever the patient had.

If B is a doctor of course they should not attend work having been exposed to a D&V virus.

That could happen everyday at work.

Will people please listen to the actual doctors on the thread telling us about how they'd never go to work at all if they stayed home every time they'd been exposed to sick people (!!).

Another vote for emergency nanny here if you can afford it. We've done that in a similar situation - I had some hideous gastric flu thing and DH really had to go on a business trip overnight. It's expensive but it does solve the problem (and as one parent is there and present, albeit sick, it's not unsettling for the child involved).

Parenting isn't a job that comes with sick days. A needs to suck it up and deal with it.

Family first.
The state of the NHS and the pressure felt by B is not A’s fault. A and B are responsible for their family first not the NHS first.
If it were B who was self employed I could possibly understand the pressure to work as sometimes the whole future of the business can turn on a day but no, not as an employee, that’s why people have fought for worker’s rights. A promotion at the expense of the ‘health’ of your family?
What is the point in A being able to provide well for the family if they can’t even ‘afford’ to support each other in sickness?

I'm A in our relationship and I've only ever asked for help once in 19 months from my B- I had a fever the night before and was a bit too out of it.

Ive looked after my then 14-18 month old with thr most horrendous morning sickness too, GP was umming about sending me off to hospital. You just

go into survival mode and get on with it.

WTF any idea of the number of contagious patients doctors are getting in contact with everyday?

For D&V to the flu (the real one) to colds, conjunctivitis and the like. If they had to take time off ‘just in case’ they wouod hardly be at work!

As for the fact the pressure on the NHS isn’t A or B responsibility, I imagine that posters who think family should come first will also be happy to see their appointments cancelled, see a doctor somtired they are more likely to make mistakes etc...
or are your ybstill expecting top quality service, no mistakes etc...?

Of cousre the doctor should go in to work and the man should man up and look after the toddler. If the man doesn't want his wife to be a doctor as she earns less than he does with worse hours then he should not have married a doctor in the first place. I go in to work no matter what although I was always the primary wage earner as earned more than my husband but even he never missed days - we just struggle on this family when ill (mind you I've only been to the Gp once in the last 12 years as I don't seem to get sick - i think I need a tax refund!)

I'm still LOLing at the number of people who don't seem to put it together that "being exposed to sick people" is literally he definition of a doctor's job doctors either work in primary care, where everyone and his dog is rocking up with flu and noroviruses, or they work in hospital... where everyone and his dog is rocking up with flu and noroviruses.

Even orthopaedic surgeons are going to be exposed to infectious bugs literally every day.

On the practical solutions front, we've had good luck with emergencychildcare.co.uk and on a second occasion were able to request the same nanny we had and liked the first time.

Pipp91 - if you are feeling suicidal, then I would class that in the ranks of cancer/ chemo. It wasn't am exhaustive list.

However, what would you do if you were a single parent? You would have no choice to carry on - and most likely would manage. My point is that a lot of people seem very quick to call for help when they could probably just get on with it.

As a single parent, I often privately think to myself how babied some women are, with husbands that do everything for them like they are additional children. It's one thing to work as a team and support one but another to expect your partner to look after you like a small child. Opening myself up to a flaming here!

I can't see if A was still vomiting (unable to leave the bathroom sort of vomiting) or if that had settled. I'm assuming that the vomiting had settled as you only mention him being upset about tiredness. If this is the case, of course B should could to work.

A doesn't sound at all understanding or supportive of B's job (the night duty thing sounds ridiculous). He is clearly very fortunate in his line of work and seems to expect other people's jobs to be similar.

The posters commenting on not wanting to see a doctor who has been exposed to D&V seem to have no idea of what a doctor's job entails. Would they also be happy to have their appointments and operations constantly cancelled and to have to wait even more weeks to see their GP? There isn't a never ending supply of doctors and nurses. The system is already running on empty!

Having had to look after a 2 year old, and an 8 month old whilst suffering from extreme morning sickness I've got to admit I find it difficult to sympathise with your DP especially as he seemed perfectly well enough to stay up to argue with you.

My husband is in the emergency services so I'm very used to having to deal with it. Occasionally if I've been extremely poorly (I had flu a few years ago, proper full blown flu) and literally can not lift my head my husband has taken the day off work or worked from home but we were lucky he was at a rank where he could do that. Previous years when he was bottom of the pool so to speak emergency days off were very difficult to manage and so I had to just suck it up.

Tbh, this sounds less about sick leave requests and more about him hating your shifts and responsibility to your job.

I actually have some sympathy with A. I can remember when my dc were small and I was struggling healthwise physically and mentally having a sobbing panic attack and begging my ex to stay off work because I absolutely couldn't cope.
I'm not saying that, given B's job and responsibilities, she should have stayed home; but it sounds like maybe A needs some support.

The country divides into those who take every chance to be "off sick" (usually because they still get paid when off sick - we should stop that) and those who get on with things and work. The latter tend to do better in life. So make your choice and decide into which category you want to fall. We have very low productivity in the UK at the moment and more and more people working fewer and fewer hours. It is a big problem for the nation and the economy.

It is very difficult to look after a toddler on your own when you are ill and can barely look after yourself. Legally you can take time off to do childcare if the other parent isn't capable to give proper care. That said I have asked my husband before to do this before now and he never has. Once I couldn't even get up off the sofa. Your job is very demanding and has a lot more people depending on you.

I haven't RTFT is there no one else that can help him?