Staying off work with sick spouse

[Sashkin]

Just posting to see whose expectations are unreasonable here.

Spouse A is off work this week to supervise builders. Toddler came down with 24hr vomiting bug on Thursday night, so both parents were up most of Thursday night changing sheets/cleaning up toddler, and spouse A looked after him during the day on Friday (usually goes to nursery).

A came down with toddler’s bug on Friday night and was up vomiting. Spouse B is working twelve hour shifts this weekend (doctor). Should B have called in sick on Saturday morning to look after toddler so A could catch up on their sleep?

To avoid dripfeeding: Toddler was completely recovered by then, so A was doing normal childcare not mopping up toddler’s sick as well as their own. A finds solo childcare stressful at the best of times, and was in tears on Saturday morning at the thought of looking after toddler on minimal sleep.

B argues that B has done childcare in worse circumstances without complaint, and calling in sick would not be fair or safe on their patients or colleagues (departing night shift doctor would have had to stay to cover B’s shift, ie a 24hr shift), plus B is likely to be applying for consultant job in this trust in next few months so wants to avoid any perception of flakiness.

A says hospital cover is hospital’s problem not A or B’s problem, and should come second to toddler’s needs. A has long resented B’s job requiring evening and weekend work - A is self employed and much better paid than B, and does not see why B is working 60hr weeks to detriment of family life. Similar problems during B’s nightshifts with A angry that B is leaving A to parent alone overnight.

It’s probably obvious which parent I am, but I have tried to be fair to both sides. Would you expect your spouse to take the day off work to look after the children if you were ill but the children weren’t?

If the family finances are such that B's salary as a soon-to-be consultant is irrelevant to them, and A is so ill they cannot get out of bed, the family should pay an emergency nanny/childminder to do the childcare. We have done this when I had proper, raging, think-I-might-die flu.

If A feels rotten but is ambulatory, take some OTC meds, stick on the TV, and suck it up, buttercup. It's all part of parenting.

B was not U to go to work. I would not expect one spouse to take time off work for a sick partner unless illness was life-threatening and/or hospitalisation was required.

Just seems like another job to look after the children.

Well it is, in the sense that it's got to be done by someone. And yes, if one person isn't working that day, of course it's their job. What are you smoking?

So it's safe to leave a person who is very unwell??

So unwell that he stayed up to have an argument when OP got home.

Seems to me there’s 2 issues here:

1. someone struggling with childcare, whether through illness, tiredness or whatever. While it’s probably too late for this occasion, probably a good idea to think how you can build up a bit of ‘resilience ‘ for the same thing in future, eg emergency (very expensive!) childminders, employer policy on emergency leave. When DP (SAHD) broke his arm, I was fortunate to be able to take emergency leave/ WAH for a few days to look after toddler DC (admittedly where I work is not very busy or time-pressured). DP was pressuring me to take annual leave for further days, but fortunately didn’t need it in the end - and nursery would have taken DD for extra one-off days if necessary (although I appreciate not an option at W/Es or if recent D&V). Had DP still tried to insist on me doing it, I would have taken that as being a problem with me working rather than immediate childcare/incapacity issue...which brings us onto...

2)...your DH’s attitude to your job. Presumably you were at least on the path to becoming a doctor when he met you, and I’ baffled by how he could have got to the stage of marriage let alone having a child without getting to grips with (and therefore implicitly agreeing to support) what a consuming vocation this is. For sure, there are some jobs/ lifestyles that the person realises they have to give up or scale back on when they have a family. However, none have quite the investment of a medical career: if doctors (female only, of course - I bet your DH doesn’t expect your male colleagues to become SAHHs!) had to reduce or give up work on getting married or having kids, most medical students wouldn’t even apply. I agree with PPs, that after the dust has settled on this incident you need a proper talk about how each of you sees your roles.

Going against the grain I would beg my spouse to stay off if I was down with a sick bug , I have a major phobia about them but I doubt he would! He has only once in 15 years taken time off as I was unwell .

A is totally unreasonable!
I was off sick last year for 2 days after catching my dds sickness bug. DH had to go into work so I was at home with DS then 3 and DD who was 21 months with no he’ll and was still cleaning up youngests vomit and my own vomit on no sleep.

A is being a wuss and needs to suck it up to be honest!

A knew what B's job was long before getting pregnant or adopting said child and surely in the entire time before child, A never spent nights alone whilst B worked???

Being a doctor is a calling not a 9-5 and A is just being silly!

You guys need to cultivate a trustworthy, good local babysitter! It's great to have some extra help in an emergency and if you are financially secure then paying for this kind of help totally makes sense if the other person has work commitments.

We used emergency childcare in this scenario. I'm not a doctor, or anything similarly worthy, but I did have a pressured job, deadlines and colleagues I didn't want to let down when DD was tiny. When DH was ill - only a couple of times in the pre-school years - we booked an emergency nanny so he could stay in bed and recover, DD would still be looked after and I could get to work.

@sashkin
Would you mind me asking how long you've been a doc for and how long you've been with your OH?

Because if he was aware of your job before you got together and always felt that he came second then he shouldn't have continued the relationship, if it was that much of an issue to him.

I sense that he has difficulty with the fact that you are in a demanding job and that you are doing what you want to do. Maybe he expected your career to take a backseat after motherhood and that hasn't happened? (I personally would be fucking livid at that expectation if that is the case)

Like many others here, regardless of whether it's NHS or not, parents have to suck it up and continue going to work. That's life. YADNBU.

I think A is totally unreasonable.
Why do they think a doctor or health professional only works 9-5, Monday to friday?
Why can't they cope with with a toddler, even if ill.
Welcome to the world of parenthood.

I am a doctor as well, and this is a nightmare situation. There is no right answer. Problem is if B is a registrar (probable) she will be the only one in her speciality for the whole weekend. If she doesn't go in, it will be extremely difficult. At short notice they will struggle to find locum cover. I literally would have to have lost a leg to call in sick for an on call shift. I would feel too guilty.

I have four children. If my husband was ill and I was on call, he wouldn't even ask me to call in sick..... He knows I wouldn't. However, we would be calling in every favour we had going to get the little ones looked after and the bigger ones would be ruined with screens!

However, it is hard for my husband. If one of the children is Ill, he has to take the time off work. Sometimes I stay two hours late. Sometimes I go on training unpaid to meet academic requirements. My job just does have to come first alot of the time.

The thing is....... It is the NHS that's a bit broken. All the rotas are running at absolute minimums, there is no slack anywhere in the system. We, the staff, are plastering over the cracks. Understandably this pisses off our families.

I don't have an answer but it's a shit situation all-round. And B deserves a little sympathy trying to l look after a toddler on no sleep Wu other d and v.

It's life. Not unusual situation. Just have to get on with it. All seem to have survived.

Bloody hell spouse A, man up!

Can't believe he was in tears when you said you were going to work, he seriously needs to learn some coping skills.

As pp have suggested, either just a day watching Disney movies, or as you sound like high income household get emergency childcare if he really can't cope.

As both a doctor and a doctor's spouse I have been on both sides of this type of scenario - B's reasoning for not calling in sick is solid, in particular if applying for a consultant post soon and given the short notice and weekend timing which would mean locum cover would be next to impossible to get.

Sorry, A, when you make the choice to marry a doctor this is all part of the deal. It may not get any better depending on B's specialty.

Teacher here- if DH genuinely couldn’t leave the bathroom, or couldn’t get out of bed then he wouldn’t be safe to look after a toddler and so I would have to stay off. However if they could make it to a sofa with a bucket that’s what I would expect so I can go to work.

lipstickhandbagcoffee her dh was ill, read the op it says he was up all Friday night throwing up himself and therefore had had no sleep 2 nights in a row due to being up the 1st night also with the toddler.

My answer depends on exactly how ill your dh was, by the morning time when you were due to go to work was he still puking and/or stuck to the loo at this point? If this was the case and he was crying from feeling so ill I'd probably have stayed home or tried to take a half day at least. If his main symptoms were over and he was just feeling peaky by the morning then I'd have went to work. I've previously taken a day off work when my dh (who is the main carer for our ds as he only works part time) had flu and couldn't get out of bed, sky high temperature and was just sleeping non-stop as he would not have been able to care for ds in that situation.

I wouldn’t want my doctor to see me if they have been exposed to a d&v bug in the past 24 hours.

Oh for goodness sake....I'm a paediatrician, I've basically always been exposed to d & v within the last twenty four hours! You just do good hand hygiene!

What nemo said.
Of course you had to go to work OP. He needs to realise that work aren't inflexible, and you don't want to be a housewife, you want a career.

I would expect my other half to take a day off to take care of our child if I was really sick but only if he could. I have taken care of both my sick children whilst also vomiting myself when I've had to but if he had been available I would have expected him to help and step in

Depends how ill he was! I've had to look after my children with a stomach bug before and it was hard but I managed. Another time I had another stomach bug (rotavirus), when I had two children under two and I simply couldn't care for them as I was in so much pain. We had no choice but to for him to stay home and take a dependency day (not easy in his profession either).

For me it’s one of those.... if A is exhausted and ill then B should take a day to let A recover and look after toddler. I’ve been there - exhausted looking after an ill toddler on little kip and then getting his bug and having to look after him whilst knackered and quite ill when my partner went to work because we couldn’t afford for him not to (self-employment!!!) it was horrendous and quite frankly I wasn’t fit to care for a child.

BellaJessica
Being. Doctor, B will presumably be around sick people for a large part of the day so could come down with anything at any point. No symptoms, no need to take time off. That was a bit of a ridiculous comment. What should nurses and doctors do, take a week off everytime they Come into contact with an infectious patient?

When I had really severe hyperemesis with dd2 I was supposed to be looking after dd1 who was 2. In the end now ex dh looked after her on his days off but he worked shifts 3 days on and 3 off so she would either go to my mum or on several occasions he drover her 60 miles to be collected by his parents who lived a further 60 miles away and she stayed there for his shift days and he picked her up at the end of his last day of shift. I was physically incapable of looking after anyone though and ended up in hospital twice. Another time I had labrynthitis which lasted several months and he went to work as normal. Well, he was allowed late starts to drop off dd1 at school. My mum came and collected me and dd2 to look after us both at her house and then would collect dd1 from school and return us home. On his shift days off he looked after her and did school run whilst o lay in a dark room. It was just awful.

These are both extreme situations and ex dh still went to work and we rallied round the family. On less severed occasions when I’ve had D&V I’ve just had to get on with it and look after my children and do the school run - sometimes one or both also coming down with bug too. Now a single parent I just have to get on with it.

If B is a doctor of course they should not attend work having been exposed to a D&V virus. Christ alive. Why put already vulnerable people at risk like that? It’s not just about the toddler or spouse A and B in this scenario. A virus like that can be fatal to people who are already compromised (patients).