Staying off work with sick spouse

[Sashkin]

Just posting to see whose expectations are unreasonable here.

Spouse A is off work this week to supervise builders. Toddler came down with 24hr vomiting bug on Thursday night, so both parents were up most of Thursday night changing sheets/cleaning up toddler, and spouse A looked after him during the day on Friday (usually goes to nursery).

A came down with toddler’s bug on Friday night and was up vomiting. Spouse B is working twelve hour shifts this weekend (doctor). Should B have called in sick on Saturday morning to look after toddler so A could catch up on their sleep?

To avoid dripfeeding: Toddler was completely recovered by then, so A was doing normal childcare not mopping up toddler’s sick as well as their own. A finds solo childcare stressful at the best of times, and was in tears on Saturday morning at the thought of looking after toddler on minimal sleep.

B argues that B has done childcare in worse circumstances without complaint, and calling in sick would not be fair or safe on their patients or colleagues (departing night shift doctor would have had to stay to cover B’s shift, ie a 24hr shift), plus B is likely to be applying for consultant job in this trust in next few months so wants to avoid any perception of flakiness.

A says hospital cover is hospital’s problem not A or B’s problem, and should come second to toddler’s needs. A has long resented B’s job requiring evening and weekend work - A is self employed and much better paid than B, and does not see why B is working 60hr weeks to detriment of family life. Similar problems during B’s nightshifts with A angry that B is leaving A to parent alone overnight.

It’s probably obvious which parent I am, but I have tried to be fair to both sides. Would you expect your spouse to take the day off work to look after the children if you were ill but the children weren’t?

I refer you to my previous post 0037.read slowly if you’re unsure

Yes, A just needs to get on with it. Most of us have been there and it's no fun at all but you just have to get on with it. That's life. I remember DH once saying 'but you can't go to work, DD and I are both ill!' when she was little and helpless and I just had this huge storm of 'WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK I DO WHEN WE ARE BOTH ILL AND YOU ARE AT WORK' and, well, he hasn't said it again. My job, by the way, was in no way as important as being a doctor. However it was my job and I needed to go and do it to earn some money.

It depends how ill A was really. If A was still throwing up every 30 minutes or suffering with agonising stomach cramps, then I think you should have either stayed or got someone to take the toddler for the day or at least part of the day. I don’t think I could safely look after my toddler if I was very unwell.

If he was over the worst but just tired and feeling like shit, then I think as horrid as it is, he probably needed to just suck it up.

(Incidentally I do agree with your husband for at least part here, it’s not ok to nap on the sofa while you’re looking after a small child. They can get up to all sorts).

As a carer of elderly and with DCs with disabilities I would not be happy for a Dr to be treating any of mine while at risk of having caught a bug.
I get that Drs come into contact with people who are ill some of whom have infectious conditions, but I would be annoyed if one of mine was made even more ill in a hospital.
This view was formed after a heated argument with a hospital Dr who would not listen to allergy concerns and proceeded to prescribe the allergen. Next day same Dr said patients bring MRSA into hospital by travelling on buses and sitting on patients' beds I do neither of these things. I have seen a Dr let his tie dangle onto a very bad infection and not make any attempt to secure his tie inside his shirt.
You have to be careful of the impression you give patients and their relatives

@Lipstick this all happened yesterday. I went in, it never occurred to me not to. I have never called in sick for an on call shift in my life.

But having just had a massive row with DH about it, I am doubting myself and wondering if I should change my approach where DS is concerned. The culture of medicine can be toxic in many ways, and I wasn’t sure how reasonable my attitude would appear outside of the NHS.

YABU to use A and b... would of been so much easier to read DP and I.

However obviously yes sofa day as others have said. Toddler should still be naping dependant on nap..He can nap then to.

Depends.

Isolated incident- A just needs to deal with it.

Consistent pattern of A always being the one who has to make things work, look after anyone sick in the family etc, then maybe this is just the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Someone bursting into tears could be them being over dramatic. But honestly, any time someone in a partnership bursts into genuine tears over something, it’s a warning sign that needs to be heeded.

It could be that because A’s work pattern has more flex they are usually the one who has to fill gaps and they are fed up with that. Or it could be that B is like a chef who never cooks at home and A is sick of caring for toddler when unwell. And for B when B is unwell. And never getting cared for when they are unwell.

The “I never get sick. Iron constitution me ” comment does suggest B doesn’t need much looking after. And that they are proud of that. Which is fine. But not if they are superior about it to A. So it could also suggest that A might get short shrift in the caring and sympathy stakes regularly, and it’s starting to grate a bit.

Sometime’s both people want things that are perfectly reasonable, it’s just those things aren’t compatible. Too many instances of that and it start to seem like the people aren’t compatible, to either or both people in the partnership.

Sometimes it’s less important to prove to someone you love that they are being “unreasonable” than to accept that the “reasonable” position causes them pain or problems.

That should be "Patients' visitors bring MRSA into the hospital"

What does husband do? If the situations were reversed would he stay off to help you?

Stillme1 that’s just unrealistic, sorry. A&E doctors and GPs, for example, will be exposed to infectious stuff on a daily basis, maybe multiple times a day. If they stayed off work every time they came into contact with someone who had something infectious, they would literally never be in work. The system relies on people not going to see their GP or into hospital with D&v etc, as we are advised to do.

I know you went in,I get it.im commenting on the turmoil,the request to stay off
You shouldn’t have that pressure,the shall I/shan’t I drama.its unnecessary

I agree with you btw but also think where doctoring/nursing/fire fighting is concerned then work should have priority. I say this as someone who does none of those things.

A might think B has time to care for every other sick person, but never for them...

And that could be the fault of an overworked, underfunded health system not B.

But it still needs addressing.

That doesn’t mean B should have phoned in for a parental leave day. But it does mean they need to talk, properly about what;s going on underneath the surface. And take corrective action in the near, medium and long term.

LipstickHandbagCoffee actually I just wondered if you'd pressed enter too soon on the last sentence of that earlier post. A wants what?

Irrespective of subsequent posts, the one I quoted talks about op trying to make up excuses to take a day off when the day had already passed and op had gone in to work as per what she believed and believes was correct.

You shouldn’t have that pressure,the shall I/shan’t I drama.its unnecessary I agree, that's not what your earlier post stated though, irrespective of what you meant.

Cheby when it is your own family who are put at risk you might view things differently. As carer and parent I don't need the extra stress. It affects my well being which would then cost the MHS a fortune to care for my family while I am too ill and stressed to cope and they would have to treat my health.

Yep,it’s potentially indicative of some other malaise and it manifests as this
I thought and he had a SAHW was a telling statement, as if he prefers her passive & present

One sick/ vomiting toddler doesn't need 2 parents up through the night. For us, it was just the one with the less arduous day/shortest day and other would be left to sleep or go spare bedroom to sleep so could work

Sleeping,I don’t proof read,spellcheck or pontificate my own posts
I’d suggest you don’t either
It’s mn conversation.quickfire. It’s not a parlour game of what the fuck did thou mean

No he stayed up so we could have this row unfortunately!

Then I don’t think this is about illness, or tiredness, or childcare, or the NHS. They are just catalysts to the row. If it were that simple he would have been in bed.

I could make several suggestions as to what the row was/is really about. They mostly revolve around who puts who first, who feels hard done by, who feels their concerns are dismissed, who feels able to be flexible and how each feels about that.

Better to have this discussion when your DC is not there, when you are both well, and when nobody has to be anywhere else.

Agreed Homeburd8 this isn’t about a poorly toddler,this is other unresolved issue
But I think op knows that already....

Noone will die from the under the weather the parent looking after the now recovered toddler. Someone could die from expecting the night doctor to work 36 hours straight (night, day, night), or there being no one to look after the patients.

Parent B should go into work.

CoI: Doctor.

I think you were right to go in, definitely.

I feel for your dh but crying was taking it too far. We've all sat our toddler in front of peppa pig when we are ill but in sole.charge surely?

That said, it's the kind of situation where if there is the option of calling someone to help out then A should feel happy to.call them!

To be honest it’s just a Shit situation all round. I remember getting norovirus with my first dd. Luckily I was at my mil’s and she looked after me and my dd as dh had to go to work. I remember thinking how lucky I was to have family around at the time. I’ve since had other stomach bugs which I have been fine battling through but that one just floored me. I was ill for 5 days.

@Diana he probably would take the day off if I was sick, but then he takes impromptu days off to go to the cinema so his job is a bit more flexible in that regard! He works as a consultant to industry.

Yes @Lapsed I think that is part of it. And then he sees I can make space for DS but not for him... DS needs me though, DH is an adult and does not. He should be able to step up to help me, not add “running round after him” to my list of responsibilities.