Staying off work with sick spouse

[Sashkin]

Just posting to see whose expectations are unreasonable here.

Spouse A is off work this week to supervise builders. Toddler came down with 24hr vomiting bug on Thursday night, so both parents were up most of Thursday night changing sheets/cleaning up toddler, and spouse A looked after him during the day on Friday (usually goes to nursery).

A came down with toddler’s bug on Friday night and was up vomiting. Spouse B is working twelve hour shifts this weekend (doctor). Should B have called in sick on Saturday morning to look after toddler so A could catch up on their sleep?

To avoid dripfeeding: Toddler was completely recovered by then, so A was doing normal childcare not mopping up toddler’s sick as well as their own. A finds solo childcare stressful at the best of times, and was in tears on Saturday morning at the thought of looking after toddler on minimal sleep.

B argues that B has done childcare in worse circumstances without complaint, and calling in sick would not be fair or safe on their patients or colleagues (departing night shift doctor would have had to stay to cover B’s shift, ie a 24hr shift), plus B is likely to be applying for consultant job in this trust in next few months so wants to avoid any perception of flakiness.

A says hospital cover is hospital’s problem not A or B’s problem, and should come second to toddler’s needs. A has long resented B’s job requiring evening and weekend work - A is self employed and much better paid than B, and does not see why B is working 60hr weeks to detriment of family life. Similar problems during B’s nightshifts with A angry that B is leaving A to parent alone overnight.

It’s probably obvious which parent I am, but I have tried to be fair to both sides. Would you expect your spouse to take the day off work to look after the children if you were ill but the children weren’t?

LipstickHandbagCoffee worrying something then saying you didn't say that isn't about spell checking or pontificating. Anyway, we've agreed that you're original post wasn't what you meant, so there's no need for me to continue pointing out it wasn't correct. Especially as I'm off to sleep now.

No you’re agreeing with yourself obviously
I’m not entertaining the you said this,did you mean that debacle
Hth

Being devil’s advocate here OP...

What you say sounds like:
So he should step up (to help me when I need help).
But never expect me to help him when he needs it.

A key thing to grasp here is that you may both see “need” differently. What you need and what he needs could be different. Some of the things you need might be of literally no value to him. And vice versa.

But you both need to have your needs met to a certain and equitable degree.

“Proving” to someone else that their needs are unreasonable/irrelevant is never going to make a relationship healthier. It just shows you’re not really listening and that you think you are more important than they are. And lo and behold, the more someone senses that attitude the needier they will become.

Accepting what someone else needs as being something that genuinely matters to them (and so is therefore important) even if it wouldn’t make a blind bit of difference to you can have a transformative effect though.

How about trying out an attitude that your child, your job and your partner are equally important? Might surprise you what comes about.

I'm with B. Lives at risk with double shifts, so unless completely unavoidable, there is a responsibility to go to work in that profession. It is not selfish, it is vital.

Single parents manage, I've had friends with severe pregnancy long morning (all day all night) sickness manage, it isn't fun but that is how it is.

It does sound as if maybe there is more going on!

Not reasonable just to catch up on sleep but if it was because A was themselves too ill to take care of the child that might be different.

Although I have been that parent with it coming out both ends and feeling wretched and having to solo parent a toddler and a baby while my husband worked late

Glad I'm not married to you or your job OP. I was a SAHM and yes dh had to take the occasional day off to look after his own kids if I was ill. Wtf would you have to "cope like a single parent" when you aren't one.

No, B shouldn't take the day off work. Parenting while ill is just one of those things you have to do sometimes - single parents manage it. Unless A was so ill that they genuinely couldn't safely look after a child - and as a doctor, B is probably a good judge of whether that's the case - B was right to go to work. Was there anyone else (family / friend / childminder) who could be asked to help?

It sounds like there are also deeper issues around A's resentment of B's job that could do with being bottomed out!

A was unreasonable.
B should definitely still go to work.

I don't know if my judgement is clouded bc B is a doctor and think you'd be letting people down unnecessarily as it's not you that's ill.

If B was an office job I might have said; yeah take the day off to make family life easier

No B cannot call in sick by proxy. Presumably A is an adult who can use dvds etc to occupy toddler.

Can’t imagine any employer being thrilled about a non sick employee taking sick leave / time off to care for another adult just so they can sleep
I’d be in trouble if I tried that

My DH is a bit like that regarding the 'hierarchy of priority' He often complains that DD (3 years) is my priority and last night got huffy that 'you always make sure that there is milk for Dd but aren't half as concerned as making sure there is bread and butter in for me' and genuinely didn't see that this is because 1) he's not 3
2) I'm not his parent (he doesn't go out his way to pick up shopping essentials for me)
3) he works from home and we live 5 mins walk from a shop.

I think some partners almost get jealous of their children which is not an attractive quality. You were not at all unreasonable to go to work.

We’ve all been in A’s position, but I’m afraid you just have to take a deep breath and get on with it, it’s part of being a parent

B should go to work

Also could I just say thanks to B for being an nhs hero 👍 we appreciate you

If your DH likes having a SAHW who deals with sick DC on her own and leaves him out of the equation then I suggest he gets a better paid job and stops being such a slacker!

As it is, he chose to marry a doctor and he knew what he was getting into. Doctors don't become doctors overnight, so he should stop giving you hard time and pull himself together. He wanted you to not go into work so he could lie in bed? He needs a kick up the arse IMO.

He wasn't that ill if he waited up to argue with you.

Many, many people have managed for countless years to parent a lively toddler whilst sick ourselves.

You were not unreasonable to go to work. Your DH needs to grow up.

Is it fun looking after a toddler whilst sick? No of course it bloody isn’t but it’s what you do as a parent.

You shouldn't call in sick unless you are sick. So even if the decision is that B should have stayed home, they should have used carers emergency leave, not say they themselves are sick when they are not.

A is being silly

B definitely should go to work.

Recently there was a poster on here with 2 very young DC, and possibly v pregnant too, who was on her way into intensive care with her DC as her DH couldn't be arsed to take the day off. That was unreasonable. You are not being. This is not about your DH being ill, is it. It's about you working full stop.

B should go to work, A and DC should have a quiet duvet day, maybe some films etc. A is being very needy.

Hmm I dunno. I'm a sahm and I know if I was sick my DH would take the day off (self employed) or ask his or my mum to help.

A should sick it up. That's what Peppa Pig is for. I'm sure nearly every parent has had days like that, sick as a dog and having to care for a child. Hey Duggee and Peppa should sort it and for my older kids Dan TDM and Starwars films have had to keep them happy.

But her dp isn’t sick,that’s the whole point.hes tired following child illness
And in B case she’s employed in nhs dept,with colleagues and patients

A us being a cunt. Despite your essential job and career he still sees childcare as your responsibility because you have a vagina.

I know loads of mothers who have looked after dcs when they were sick themselves. We have all done it. It's horrendous at tge time but you get through it. I also see mothers going to work when they are sick themselves just to avoid taking sick lesve in case the dcs are sick. I went to work after spending from 11pm to 4am with 'renal colic' on a drip for pain relief because I couldn't afford to take another day off work because I had just had 2 weeks of due to dd being ill in hospital.

And if he was well enough to sit up and stew over this he wasnt that unwell or tired. There have been days I have gone to bed with the dcs because I have felt ill.

I've had to have my self employed DP take a day off when I had a sickness bug (he lost the days money)..... but I couldn't lift my head I was so ill.

We have 3 kids - one of which was just a few months old. No way I could have coped with them on that day.

A should suck it up. It is really really hard when your spouse works shifts (I've been married to emergency services worker whilst working full time and raising 2 kids between us) but that's life. It will get easier as DC get older.