Dear SAHMs

[Figuringitout]

AIBU to ask you how you feel about this division of labour:
For context, kids are 6 and 3.
Working parent works full time - busy / stressful job which involves work in evenings and weekends and has much less 'free' time than SAHP. Working parent does all night wakings and early mornings (as they are up for work) plus most weekends. WP does all laundry, manages all bills and general organising e.g payment/equipment for clubs, birthday party buying etc. WP also does food shopping/meal planning.
SAHP does majority of tidying, all school runs, hoovering, gardening, cooking and cleaning up
Jobs like cleaning bathroom, loading dishwasher, general tidying are shared.
Does this sound fair?

Ironing is tricky to do with small children around but chucking a load in the machine and pressing the button is easily done during the course of a day.

Food shopping is actually a great way to kill time when you're a sahp and my DC used to enjoy it...bribe them with sweets at the end.

These are definitely jobs for the sahp to do.

It always makes me laugh that paying the bills is considered a job. It is at worst an annual hunt around go compare for the best deals and then direct debit takes care of the rest.

I agree, also when people talk about things like school admin as though signing the odd permission slip and chucking snack money in an envelope is a hard days graft.

It makes me laugh that people think hanging out with the average three year old - without the early mornings/the night wakings or the wkends of course, means you are utterly incapable of contributing to the house in any other way!

It’s brilliant!

I nicely get out of the 'school admin' Dd1 her school has dh as the main contact so all texts, letters etc come to him. The little 2 I for some reason only get some texts.

School admin is a total PITA and it's not 'the odd permission' slip if you have two or three DC at different schools. I have two at the same school and I spent an hour last night filling out permissions, ordering tickets, opting in or out of various things, and putting all the stuff in my diary. The final half term before Christmas and the end of the school year are full of tedious obligations for parents.

If someone is waking up to go to work they should not be doing night waking.

OP you sound like you are tired, and both of you sound like you are doing your best in the partnership. Some things could be changed like shopping and night wakings, but it’s not extremely unfair either way.

Except you are missing out on a lot of family time and seem to be at work a lot. It might be frustrating and lonely for both of you at times. Take a nice holiday and reflect!

It makes me laugh that people think hanging out with the average three year old - without the early mornings/the night wakings or the wkends of course, means you are utterly incapable of contributing to the house in any other way!

No wonder sahp get a bad name on here. Honestly some people seem to make being a sahp ridiculously complicated, no wonder they find it hard. I wonder if they’re the types of people who would also constantly complain about ft work though. I can’t believe how lucky I am that I get to hang out all day with my fave person, do a few chores, instead of the slog of full time work. I think if you find sah with kids (sn aside) harder than work you must be doing something very wrong, or just not cut out to be a full time parent. Which is fine, but why not just get a job. At 3 you qualify for 15 hours. There’s no reason this person can’t be wokring 2 days a week if they find home chores so taxing.

Well as one of the women who give SAHMs a bad name, I can assure you that I found working FT much easier. I actually have more than one child below school age however, even if I just had my 3 yo I can tell you that I wouldn't get much done in the day chores wise. FYI I don't find chores taxing and actually enjoy being productive and getting stuff done.

The reason I can't just plough on with chores is because looking after my child properly quite frankly is incompatible with getting things done. She's a smart cookie that isn't terribly behaved, but she has absolutely no ability to play alone and is extremely demanding. Without near enough constant supervision her behaviour spirals and she starts causing trouble. Although I love her dearly, I absolutely would not describe spending time with her as "hanging out" as this implies a level of relaxation and comfort that simply isn't possible to achieve whilst keeping her entertained and out of trouble.

Before you start thinking that this is all my own doing from making things more complicated than necessary, her sibling is a completely different character and is much better at entertaining themselves and has a much higher boredom threshold. It also isn't just me imagining she's hardwork as my DH and both sets of grandparents can't get much done housework wise when they have her either. In fact my DH who is very senior in his corporation says that looking after her is harder than being at work because it is so mentally and physically taxing. She is completely NT but is just a difficult character.

I have written all this not to justify myself but hopefully to explain WHY being a SAHP is not the same for everyone. I know firsthand that some children are much more amenable than others and if you luck out and get a 3 yo where you can just hang out and do the odd chore easily then bully for you, but that will not be everybody's experience. Ultimately I think we all have a personal responsibility to make sure we are putting in sufficient effort and time into running our households with our partners so that it's fair, however I do not accept that making sweeping statements about what WOHPs/SAHPs "should" be doing is conducive to achieving this.

Well said bumpitybumper

Kudos to anyone who is at home all day with one child and yet doesn't do any of the shopping, cleaning, dishwasher unloading, clothes washing, drying, putting away, school admin, house admin, night waking, early mornings, wkend childcare, and happily leaves all that to the person who is out of the house all day with the demanding job.

This doesn't seem quite right. I'm a WOHP and my DP is a SAHP. We have 2 kids in lower primary school. I work, and do my own laundry, we share the jobs when we're both in the house (eg making food and clearing up after it). DP does all the other jobs, shopping, cleaning the inside of the house etc. I sort car and house insurance and utilities, and mow the lawns.

We have split it this way so that we have equal free time to do running or swimming (or whatever we want) and equal resting time too. It was a big bone of contention that I was previously expected to do more cleaning than I do now, because DP had 6 hours a day to themselves whilst the kids are school.

We have an agreed jobs list on a board and DP does the big/weekly jobs and we share the little/daily jobs (cooking, dishwasher loading, wiping surfaces, sweeping floors). Much easier to keep track when it's written down.

Is that anyone helmetbymidnight?

Why do people split their laundry/ironing? Isn’t it easier to just throw everything in together?

Having said that, it's blimmin hard work when you have to look after a little kid at home. My DP used to get much less done when the kids were at home too. That said, you can get them to help you with jobs so you can still do something - supermarket shop is a good one, as is laundry, cleaning the bathroom not so much.

Start from the equal free time principle, and agree what jobs need doing and how often, then negotiate about who is doing what.

Tbh your work life balance sounds like it's not (balanced, that is) and that is perhaps making the situation feel worse, regardless of whether the chores are shared equally between you and your DP. When I'm busy at work it's feels harder to be a WOHP to me too.

@crispysausagerolls I do my own because I have specific work clothes that need to be clean, so I make sure that happens. Everything else (Inc my other clothes) is joint and I do some of that too.

He’s taking the piss! Yes, your workload is an issue too, but he’s being majorly unreasonable to not do the laundry or admin! What a job to have, a 3yo for not even every day of the week and nothing else to do. His parents do what sounds like a good chunk of his ‘role’ Cocklodger of the highest order. FWIW me and my DH have always alternated being SAHP due to flexibity of our work, whoever is at home does everything related to the home, pretty much. SAHP gets a break from the kids too on some evenings or weekend days with the assumption that WP hasn’t got to also plough through laundry and admin and do a bloody food shop. Your situation is totally unequal.

OMGtwins

Makes sense!

I think SAHP should be doing more.
I am a SAHM with 2 under school age.
I do :
all the cleaning and tidying on weekdays and most at weekends.
All garden stuff except lawnmowing.
All laundry
Almost all organisation stuff
Paying all bills except elec+gas
Sorting all insurances
Sorting car tax and mot
Sorting tickets to visit his family
Make meal plans and shopping lists
All cooking Monday-Friday
All preschool runs
All shopping for kids clothes
All shopping for cards, presents etc for Christmas, family birthdays, party presents

Oh does:
irons his own work shirts
Mows lawn every 3 weeks
Cooks dinner on Sunday and sometimes Saturday
Helps kids put toys away before bedtime
Pays electric and gas bills
Does bath and bedtime with me (one kid each)

I'm a sahp and I do all the cooking / cleaning / shopping / washing etc as it makes life easier for everyone. Isn't that meant to be a huge advantage of having a sahp?!

The division of labour in the house doesn't sound reasonable at all. Can I just ask what the SAHP is doing with all the spare time? Is there some volunteering or creative work in progress?

To be fair, the only spare time the SAHP here is getting is a bit in the evening. During the day he's looking after a 2 year old and, when GPs have the 2 year old, trying to build up a business. I do think the SAHP should do more (the night waking situation is appalling) but there's just not a lot of spare time to be had when there's a full time plus job for one parent, a toddler around almost constantly and the other is trying to do a bit of work on the side.

It’s a bit of both - the sahp could do more (there’s really no reason wakings aren’t split), but, equally, if you are killing yourself and things are still very tight financially, unless you expect to pull off a lucrative job move or a promotion soon, wouldn’t you be better off planning for DP to go back to work soon?