Dear SAHMs

[Figuringitout]

AIBU to ask you how you feel about this division of labour:
For context, kids are 6 and 3.
Working parent works full time - busy / stressful job which involves work in evenings and weekends and has much less 'free' time than SAHP. Working parent does all night wakings and early mornings (as they are up for work) plus most weekends. WP does all laundry, manages all bills and general organising e.g payment/equipment for clubs, birthday party buying etc. WP also does food shopping/meal planning.
SAHP does majority of tidying, all school runs, hoovering, gardening, cooking and cleaning up
Jobs like cleaning bathroom, loading dishwasher, general tidying are shared.
Does this sound fair?

Thanks all - it's good to get some perspective. I'm the WP and have been (increasingly) feeling fed up / grumpy about how we divide things up. I will show this to DH and he knows I am frustrated by the fact that I feel like I always need to be doing something and have no downtime. We do talk about the situation (and things change for a bit) but I always feel like I am nagging / having a pop when in reality he is a fantastically wonderful father who is adored by our kids. I know things will be easier when they are both in school full time. I don't know whether to just accept that until then we will live in a somewhat untidy, slightly dirty, but ultimately fairly happy home.

I don’t know. Can you imagine the loneliness of being a parent to a 3 year old (full time) and 6 year old with your partner out at work most evenings and weekends too?

I don’t think meal planning, bill paying or birthday party buying take up that much time at all, and it might be nice if the WP was just around more.

I'm thinking you're not the SAHP.

I think the wp is doing all the morning stuff.

I guess as well the sahp goes off to 'relax' all the time.

And we have no idea what the school run involves. Our current one is 15mins max all round.

Are you getting the kids up and breakfasted and dressed for school OP? With everything they need?

It sounds like it’s not evenly split, but does depend on things like whether 3 year old is in Nursery at all and how difficult they are to look after - with some toddlers you can supervise them whilst tidying up, doing washing etc, whilst with others your lucky if they don’t destroy the house while you have a wee! I would say though that night wakings should at least be shared, or one parent should do night wakings and other should do mornings.
I’m a SAHP and am not happy with the division of labour in my house as it goes too far the other way, but my OH does work long hours and has a very stressful job (which he likes me to remind me of if I ever have a moan).
The split in our house is:

SAHP:
Up in night if needed (not usual occurrence)
Up in mornings
All shopping and cooking
All childcare (of toddler who is not in Nursery and 7 year old when not in school)
Helping 7 year old with school work and carrying out all school-related activities
Ferrying around children to all clubs
All admin and organising of everything, including his tax return!
All cleaning and tidying
All washing
Ironing for me and children (he does his own)
Any small scale DIY needed (anything bigger we hire someone)
Gardening
Looking after pets
Anything else that needs doing related to House, kids or garden ever

Husbands jobs:
Going to work
Cleaning out pet box

If WP works full time plus evenings and weekends then SAHP should be doing everything at home. No, it doesn’t sound fair.

I know things will be easier when they are both in school full time.

In terms of childcare, yes. But the division might not suddenly improve.

I know mn gets all annoyed at this, but how would he take to a list? I get annoyed that something hasn't been done, do it then feel resentful. Whilst I shouldn't have to tell him to do something, it is just easier if I do.

WP does all laundry, manages all bills and general organising e.g payment/equipment for clubs, birthday party buying etc. WP also does food shopping/meal planning.
SAHP does majority of tidying, all school runs, hoovering, gardening, cooking and cleaning up
Jobs like cleaning bathroom, loading dishwasher, general tidying are shared.

My dp works full time, I work part time (for a few years I was SAHM) I have always done all of the above, except after I started part time work my dp now needs to do some cooking as I work over dinner/bed time. As a result, dp also now does night waking because they settle for dp, not me. But early morning I do while dp gets ready for work.
When I was SAHP I often felt exhausted and that I never get a ‘day off’ which my dp enjoys twice
a week. Perhaps SAHP needs some set ‘me time’ or ‘us time’ or both, time alone to just go out for coffee/laze in the bath... time together as a couple without dc (go out or stay in and have a nice dinner when dc are in bed) just something to make them feel more like themselves rather than parent/oh.

Hey OP saw your update. I mean no offence to DH but its easy to be a fantastic and adored parent if your life is pretty chilled.

Mmmm I'm a sahm to 2 the same age. I do all of the housework and meals and 90% of kid stuff and still have plenty of time to mooch about/lie on bed dossing/eating out with 3 year old in tow. He's taking the piss.

Maybe you could write a list of all the things you both do and point out that you are out of the house at work for a big chunk of the day, so obviously can’t do as many childcare/House related tasks as him? If it’s all laid out in front of him he might realise he’s being unreasonable. Tbh I’d class getting the children, up, clean, fed and dressed as part of the SAHP’s job, unless there’s a good reason not to. I feel for you, it really sucks when things aren’t evenly split in a couple, especially when the lazy partner doesn’t see it X

the thinking for the family should be done by the sahp as presumably there is a lot of thinking going on with work for the working parent.

both should contribute to cleaning, but should get the same down time.

the wohp should not come home and put feet up all evening if the sahp has been working all day with childcare/housework and is still completing this.

the wohp should not come home to do morework if the sahp has had time off during the day. a bit tricky as what one sees as time off the other may see as work.

division of labour should be fair. equal time off to relax without kids.

I really really disagree with the idea that a SAHP with a preschool child should be doing all the housework. Looking after children all day is a full time job in itself. I think you’d be getting very different answers if you’d come on and said I’m SAHP to a 3 yo and my husband expects me to do all the household chores too.

I did assume that the SAHM was a SAHM not D. But many others assumed the opposite.

However, whoever is the WP in that example of a relationship is a legend.

I’m SAHM to one child. I use that term loosely as they’re at school. DH works away Sun - Fri so am effectively single parent during the week.

DH works long hours in a v stressful job, so I do all household chores, all shopping, meal planning, school clubs/visits/trip stuff, diy, gardening, household admin.

I also WFH and do admin and travel arrangement type stuff for four clients as well as do the books and returns for DHs business.

Also have two dogs and a pony to look after, of and manage a chronic illness.

But I’d do get a lie in at the weekend.

when ex came home he looked after the children while I cooked. both still working but it was a change for me to get away from the constant demands. and he got to see the children.

his hours were considerably fewer, 9-5 only.

What seems to be the problem, really? Get a nanny if you can't handle

H'm, I once worked with a man whose bloody awful girlfriend used to ring him up at work saying "So-and-so, I haven't got any cigarettes!" and he used to GO HOME TO BUY HER SOME. anyway then she got pregnant, and had twins, and he'd come into work looking like death and saying "Well, I do all the night waking, it's only fair, seeing as she's got the kids all day."
NO IT'S NOT. WP is being a pushover.

In this scenario I think the sahp should be doing the night wakings and early mornings as well as the laundry. They could possibly do more housework if 3yo is getting the 15 hrs childcare?

You say the house is slightly messy- do you have higher standards? This is a constant argument in our house as DP would like a spotlessly clean house, but without him working for it or will do something once then gets annoyed it's not still spotless ages after.

Is the 3 y.o. in nursery?

get a nanny has to be the most mn inspired answer. Cos like, everyone can afford a nanny.

Now had you said cleaner I would maybe have run with it.

Despite popular belief, long hours and high stress does not always equal high pay. Having one parent as a sahp doesn't always mean high pay.

Sorry, that sounds like victim-blaming. WP is doing two and a half jobs, SAHP is doing half a job.

Dh is sahd. I think I do more that when wp is a man. But that's more because I think most wp don't do enough. Having said that, I think there are two important relatively small changes that could really impact your life. 1. You should not be doing mornings alone. We had got into habit of taking turns to do mornings, but I did more. Eventually we realised it wasn't working. Now We both get up at same time and the mornings are much less stressful for everyone and neither of us starts day tired and resentful. 2) he needs to do more laundry. Of all the household chores it is the one easiest to do while still managing kids. He'll, the 3 year old loves to "help".

Good luck!

@gamerwidow

Looking after a kid is not full time work. Get real.

SAHP needs to do much much more. Looking after a 3yo is not that intense, there will be time in the day when more washing / cleaning can be done.