Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dear SAHMs

198 replies

Figuringitout · 16/06/2018 22:48

AIBU to ask you how you feel about this division of labour:
For context, kids are 6 and 3.
Working parent works full time - busy / stressful job which involves work in evenings and weekends and has much less 'free' time than SAHP. Working parent does all night wakings and early mornings (as they are up for work) plus most weekends. WP does all laundry, manages all bills and general organising e.g payment/equipment for clubs, birthday party buying etc. WP also does food shopping/meal planning.
SAHP does majority of tidying, all school runs, hoovering, gardening, cooking and cleaning up
Jobs like cleaning bathroom, loading dishwasher, general tidying are shared.
Does this sound fair?

OP posts:
likeacrow · 17/06/2018 08:36

I think it's fine if both parties are happy with it. If not it needs looking at. It's as simple as that really. Every household and relationship is different.

ferrier · 17/06/2018 08:37

SAHP needs to step up and do all the laundry, shopping and menu planning, bathroom cleaning and all the night waking.
WOHP can do some dishwasher emptying and general tidying.
As a SAHP I did all that and the admin and present buying and the getting ready in the mornings and bathing in evenings and didn't feel resentful at all. WOHP did some of the kiddie stuff at the weekend and I got one lie-in.

RedForFilth · 17/06/2018 08:42

I’m SAHM to one child. I use that term loosely as they’re at school. DH works away Sun - Fri so am effectively single parent during the week. what?! How are you seriously suggesting that's the same thing? You're either extremely ignorant or extremely stupid. As a single parent I do everything at home, have full responsibility emotionally and financially for my child, work full time, have the financial cost solely on my shoulders and have no other parent to talk about it with. Definitely couldn't choose to be unemployed as I wouldn't have any one else to finance me.

Grandmaswagsbag · 17/06/2018 08:42

No it’s not fair. IMO SAHM should be doing the nightwakings and mornings apart from maybe at weekends (or days they aren't working if they work weekends). In the week, all cooking, housework and household stuff. That’s their ‘job’ if their partner is working full time surely? Sahp is taking the piss, it’s no an equal contribution to just look after a 3 yo and potter around doing othe little jobs they fancy.

PrincessCuntsuelaVaginaHammock · 17/06/2018 08:43

The SAHP shouldn't be doing all the night waking, that's no fairer than the WOHP doing it all. You should both get a turn at an uninterrupted night's sleep.

likeacrow · 17/06/2018 08:43

I'm generally the SAHP (occasionally work) but working DH sometimes (not always) cooks as our 14 month old is not in childcare & finding time to cook a meal while catering to her needs isn't always realistic.
Like I said, every situation is different.

Fivelittleduckies · 17/06/2018 08:44

It sounds as though you are really overworked (in your job) and it’s completely reasonable for you to ask for more help at home. Maybe if possible for your DH to do more of the home duties during the day it would free you all up for more quality family time together?

Grandmaswagsbag · 17/06/2018 08:44

Oh I see, WP is the woman, makes perfect sense.

MagicFajita · 17/06/2018 08:45

@TeachesOfPeaches my dh does some meal planning, we take alternate weeks of meal planning and doing the online shopping order.

dundermiflin · 17/06/2018 08:56

Why am I not surprised in this scenario that the WP is the wife.

Original poster
Figuringitout · 17/06/2018 08:57

3yr old is actually almost 3 (next month) and not in nursery. GPs have DC usually at least once, often twice in the week (at their request) and will also help with some of the later extra-curricular clubs if I am still at work. My work hours vary hugely, as does the take home work, and can be unpredictable. DH just copes with this and sometimes has a month or so where he pretty much does everything for the kids (except wakings and mornings!)
DH is trying to establish some work from home to help out financially as it is very tight some months, and uses his child free time to do this (which I obviously am in support of).
I am really conscious of not making this into a competitive tiredness situation and reading your replies think my unhappiness with the workload is more about my work than what he is doing. Thank you all, sometimes it's really useful to have some outside perspective.

OP posts:
Helmetbymidnight · 17/06/2018 08:58

He’s not doing anything most sahp do...

Singlebutmarried · 17/06/2018 09:00

Apolgies for any offence caused, I wasn’t trying to denigrate or make light of being a single parent.

I take my hat off to you as I’m very thankful for the fact the DH does come back at the weekend (when viable to do so) and I can turn my brain off for a bit.

And yes the financial load is shared, not equally as I don’t have the same earning capacity as DH - I did years ago but the aforementioned chronic illness put up to that.

DuchyDuke · 17/06/2018 09:01

SAHP needs to take on more responsibility. If being a SAHP isn’t working for them then they should get a job and pay for childcare.

Notso · 17/06/2018 09:02

I'm a SAHM, I do pretty much everything. DH is away 2-4 nights a week. When he is here he empties the dishwasher, sorts recycling, makes me a brew in the morning and drives kids to clubs etc.
He would say he sorts bills but they're all direct debit so it's just a case of moving money around to various accounts and I do it if he's away on payday.
Weekend lie-ins are technically shared but sometimes he works Saturday mornings and often the kids are happy to play downstairs until 8:30 ish by which time I'm ready to get up anyway. When they were little it was a bit more defined.

Do you actually need to do the extra work at home? DH will often put the laptop on and although there is always work to do, it's not essential he does it at home. Its just there and a bit of a habit, then he moans he's been working instead of relaxing. So I have kind of banned him from getting the laptop out when the kids are around.

Bumpitybumper · 17/06/2018 09:03

@Grandmaswagsbag
No, that's not necessarily their "job". Contrary to popular opinion being a SAHP doesn't come with a job description and therefore it's up to each couple to decide what an equitable split of tasks is in the context of their particular set of circumstances. Stop trying to shame SAHPs and make out they should shoulder all of the domestic burden otherwise they have not done their job.

I would actually argue that in most cases where a SAHP is in charge of a baby/preschooler for virtually the whole time, the WOHP would get the better end of the deal if the SAHP also did absolutely all the domestic chores too. Obviously this is dependent on the children, type of work the WOHP does etc, but haven't you noticed the amount of completely burnt out SAHMs posting on this forum who have exhausted themselves trying to do absolutely everything domestically whilst trying to also give their children the best childhood they can?

Helmetbymidnight · 17/06/2018 09:06

but haven't you noticed the amount of completely burnt out SAHMs posting on this forum who have exhausted themselves trying to do absolutely everything domestically whilst trying to also give their children the best childhood they can?

We I’m not sure what that’s got to do with this poster who is a wohp and effectively doing all the Work in the home as well.

PrincessCuntsuelaVaginaHammock · 17/06/2018 09:06

Right. If the child isn't even 3 yet that does change things. I find 3 is an age where there can be a lot of development: a quite grown up older 3 year old, perhaps not far off starting school, can be a different planet from a child of 2. I would have given the exact age if I were you OP, and I think some of the responses would've been quite different had you said a 2 year old...

That said, you doing all the night wakings is still totally unfair. And even with a boisterous 2 year old it's usually possible to at least put a couple of loads of washing on if nothing else.

I agree with you that a lot of this is just about you being generally knackered and I reckon your setup means it's going to be hard for both of you. BUT BUT BUT.... I do think your disturbed sleep is likely to be making a big difference to your feelings here and 50/50 night wakings could make you feel a lot better.

Also if the 2 year old is almost 3 then there'll be free hours soon? That should make life easier. Depending on what your DH is doing they might even be able to access the 30 hours not just 15.

Grandmaswagsbag · 17/06/2018 09:07

@ Bumpitybumper. I am a SAHP to a toddler (well apart from a few scattered days of work, which are exhausting and then I would fully expect my partner to do all household, cooking, childcare). I think this set up is unreasonable, the op is doing the lions share of everything.

Bumpitybumper · 17/06/2018 09:09

Also FWIW OP I agree with your latest post that your problem lies with your workload. You are doing so much work that any extra effort and time you have to expend at home is obviously proving to be too much. Instead of asking your DH to do more maybe you can look at ways you can do less? It may mean he has to work a bit too or both take slightly different roles but it might have you achieve some balance which you obviously don't have now?

Helmetbymidnight · 17/06/2018 09:10

How is it hard for him? He doesn’t get up in the night? He doesn’t get up early in the morning? He doesn’t do a busy stressful job all day long to financially carry them all l? He doesn’t shop? He doesn’t wash clothes? He doesn’t do the bills?
How is this hard? Seriously?

juneau · 17/06/2018 09:10

I've been a SAHP for over 10 years and my DH has a job much like yours. I do everything at home and for the DC and always have, including every single night waking ever, all the school admin, booking of holidays, buying of presents, organising play dates, you name it. The only things that DH does are mow the lawn, deal with issues relating to his car (I do mine), help to put out the bins sometimes, and we share stuff at the weekends like ferrying DC to and from parties and helping with homework. As he supports us I figure the rest is my 'job' and it's a pretty fair division of labour. Your DH is getting off lightly IMO. I manage all the above, plus exercise and seeing friends every now and again AND I am a PT student with about 20 hours of study to complete each week, so he should be able to manage all the home stuff plus his business stuff if he's well organised.

Bumpitybumper · 17/06/2018 09:11

@Grandmaswagsbag
Good for you, I'm pleased that this is achievable and equitable for you and your DP, just please don't try to impose your approach on everyone

Grandmaswagsbag · 17/06/2018 09:11

There is absolutely no way it’s reasonable for a wp to do all night wakings. If you’re knackered looking after a toddler, unless they have special needs, you can stay at home and play, go and sit in toddler group and have a coffee, go sit in the park. None of these activities require you to be on top form, if you’re knackered doing a full time bad things can happen.

Grobagsforever · 17/06/2018 09:12

Tell him to get a bloody job..