Dear SAHMs

[Figuringitout]

AIBU to ask you how you feel about this division of labour:
For context, kids are 6 and 3.
Working parent works full time - busy / stressful job which involves work in evenings and weekends and has much less 'free' time than SAHP. Working parent does all night wakings and early mornings (as they are up for work) plus most weekends. WP does all laundry, manages all bills and general organising e.g payment/equipment for clubs, birthday party buying etc. WP also does food shopping/meal planning.
SAHP does majority of tidying, all school runs, hoovering, gardening, cooking and cleaning up
Jobs like cleaning bathroom, loading dishwasher, general tidying are shared.
Does this sound fair?

You could do the bills, wash up daily and the floors. He can do the rest as hes. full time at home. Share all tasks 50 50 on non working days. Share night wakes

Oh I read that wrong. We had it so that SAHP did all the night wakings etc, housework, everything really because WP had a very early start and and got home pretty late and SAHP could nap with the little ones during the day if necessary.

It's not a fair division of labour. Working parent is doing too much. The sahp should do the laundry and food shopping. One of the DC is school age so only the 3 year old at home for bulk of the day. It would be no hassle to stick a wash on and go food shopping.

I have been a sahm, until 18 months then back to stressful long hour job. So have the benefit of both sides.
Imo, you have to structure routine into life just like at work, I used to take dd out daily, 2 full days out visiting a week and 2 half days to play groups, one free for whatever. But in the half days I'd have nap time to clean and have a break. On the full days out I'd clean before going. Laundry was done every morning. Always had bag packed the night before, worked for me as I knew when things were being done.

I know that it's hard to fully get the picture (and I appreciate that my account will have obvious bias) but I do remember how challenging full days at home are - I did have 9mths of maternity leave with both kids and pretty much did everything for each of them during this time (again, this is not a criticism of him, I was BFeeding and he worked FT with our 1st then we both dropped our hours when she was 1 and I started full time when she was 2 as I am the higher earner).
To people asking about his free time, I get home from work at 5.30/6ish. He has cooked and then I bath and put the kids in bed (or I feel like I don't see them) while he cleans up. Then I start working again (at home, but still work) and he has the evenings free. At weekends I occasionally work for a few hours - so he will take the kids out somewhere - but again usually work in the evenings. My quality time with him feels very pinched - again that's not his fault. I think perhaps I am just a bit fed up with my work (maybe that's the real issue?) but wanted to ask for general opinion as to whether I was unreasonable in asking him to do more.

It depends what they do in the day. I've been a sahp to a three year old and to be fair, they do generate a lot of mess that you clear up and it's as if the whole hour has been 'invisible'. E.g. painting or cooking or playdoh. Equally, if they go out a lot for walks etc, that takes time where you can't be doing jobs. I'd say though that as a sahp, shopping is definitely a job for dh. I know it is hard with a three year old, but you can do it online and then just get small top ups with the three year old in tow and letting them choose a yogurt or something. It's time consuming, and that's a good thing when you have a little one at home! Equally, he could at least out the washing on, even if hanging out is tricky. Puttig away is sometimes hard too, but if you involve them it isn't impossible. It is hard, so don't go there in a rage, especially on Father's Day!!!

I’m SAHM to one child. I use that term loosely as they’re at school. DH works away Sun - Fri so am effectively single parent during the week.

That’s pretty insulting to single mothers who general struggle with little help or partners money to support the family.

op how did you come to this set up? Could dh go back to work at you stay at home or he goes theory and you divide everything 50/50?

From that update op, I don’t think asking him to do more in the house will necessarily make you feel better? Or maybe I’m misinterpreting. Could he go back to work pt and could you reduce your hours again? I know you’d maybe lose a bit of money, but if you can afford to, that’s definitely what I’d do.

Fwiw, I’m a sahm and I would love it if dh would reduce his hours to pt so I could also work. That is my fantasy work / childcare scenario’. We couldn’t afford it where we live though and dh won’t move .

I think you are rightly feeling resentful about how little free time you are getting, but as you recognise, your husband polishing the bath taps isn't going to magic you up an evening in front of the telly. Is this paid evening and weekend work or is it 'shit I can't fit in the day work'. Because you are not paid for that, and you need to be more protective of your time if it is and research solutions.

This doesn't sound fair, and I say that as a SAHP. But the "free time" a stay at home parent gets with a toddler can be small. I am home with a young toddler and one at school (similar aged to yours), but don't actually get a chance to sit down in the day really until DC has a half hour nap. I am a single parent so ultimatley its all down to me, but if I had a partner I would be offended if he thought I could also do all of the housework, jobs and night wakings alone as frankly (as what i'm doing now) it is utterly exhausting.

I returned to work after DC1 and I found work easier than being home with a young child as atleast I had a tea break and a lunch break in my day, away from the relentless nature of young children

Knew straight away the WP was a woman because of the meal planning. Never known a man to do this.

I’m SAHM to one child. I use that term loosely as they’re at school. DH works away Sun - Fri so am effectively single parent during the week.

That’s pretty insulting to single mothers who general struggle with little help or partners money to support the family

Totally. I cringe when I see this on mn, physically doing the parenting alone is one aspect of being a single parent, I would bend over backwards for "help" even one day a week, and not to be totally alone in parenting choices/finances and life.

Why do you. Ring your wok home in the evenings and weekends ??

SAHP needs to step up. What you describe isn't fair at all, and I'm not surprised you're getting resentful.

Resentment is corrosive to a relationship: don't under-estimate the damage this is causing.

I'd suggest:

1. One weekend lie-in each.
2. Try to share night waking equally: agree which nights you are each doing. Child should get used to settling for either. Difficult if one parent doesn't hear crying - if that's the case, that parent does all evening settling (ie after child's bedtime but before parents asleep) and the other parent does night-time settling (when parents are asleep)
3. WOHP keeps general organising e.g payment/equipment for clubs, birthday party buying etc if they are used to it. Otherwise you'll always be wondering whether it has been done which is even more stressful. Bill paying should be automated as much as possible.
4. Meal planning and (online) food shopping done by SAHP. That's the main effort required for cooking! It also means they are taking at least some of the mental load (and it's an easy/immediate-effect part of the mental load to take. Ie if something is missed it isn't a disaster and they just have to deal with it.)
5. SAHP does as much of the family laundry as possible during the week. And that does mean hanging up and putting away as well as washing! Laundry is really easy to fit in around childcare. WOHP might still do a load or 2 at the weekend.
6. SAHP does school runs and attends day-time school events. Take it in turns for parents evenings so you're both involved (or both go if you can get childcare)
7. Tidying, cleaning, hoovering, gardening - share out. At those ages, I'd expect the SAHP to manage about 30 mins to 1 hour of household tasks during the day (as well as tidying up after themselves of course). If the 3 year old is at part-time nursery they can probably manage 2 hours. The remaining work should be shared equally between both parents.
8. WOHP gets up in the morning and helps with getting kids up and ready for school. So much less stressful with 2 people doing it!
9. If WOHP works long hours, I assume SAHP does baths and bedtimes? If WOHP is home early enough, it would be good to share those.

Do make sure that for all tasks which one of you 'always' does, the other occassionally does it.

For the person whose task it is: it gives you a disproportionate feel-good to be 'let off' one of 'your' tasks.

For the person taking the task: it's quite nice doing something different, and an important reminder of what this task requires of your partner.

OP. I think the main problem is the mental burden of domestic admin and planning which he is BU not to take on. I'd be livid if DH was sahd and I STILL had to do all the thinking for the family. If you didn't have that to do could you be more efficient at work during the day so you don't need to bring work home as often?

Strawberry has made good suggestions here.

Sounds like the work didn’t shift to the SAHP when the OP went back to work after maternity leave.

OP you need to have words with your SAHP

I'm SAHP to a 6 and 3 year old (no nursery for 3yo yet, as not in the uk). I've always thought that it's really important that we consider ourselves a team and don't engage in competitive exhaustion, but I also think you both need to feel that the workloads are fair or it just leads to knawing resentment. It's best to look at it squarely in the face and discuss it rather than resentment building.

I do pretty much everything in your list, including all food prep and buying, all laundry, nearly all cleaning, all school runs and school related stuff, all night wakings, and all weekday mornings. We don't have a garden. WP does most bills, washing up after dinner, and bath time (while I tidy), then we both do stories, settling. We have always had a weekend morning lie in each (although I have recently traded mine for yoga on Sat mornings). The thing I quite like about this division of labour is that it allows us to have evenings and some of weekends "off", but it wouldn't work for others, who might feel like I do all the "drudge" work or that my DH has all the pressure of bringing in an income. I guess what I'm saying is that you have to find what works for you both, honestly and openly. What are the benefits of your situation and what is really not working?

i think your dh needs to take on all laundry and payments. plus food shopping and meal planning.

you both need down time, but a sahp can grab an hour here and there during the week. the wp can't. so you need an afternoon at the weekend where you look after yourself.

no wonder you're exhausted and frustrated. but this will ease up in time. trouble is resentment is very destructive.

If he is having downtime every evening while you’re working he definitely needs to do more
I’d certtainly suggest child-related admin, birthday organising, and laundry as a minimum

Think a nanny is supposed to cook clean and tidy up for children and look after their clothes?

Yanbu to expect him to do more.

I think it’s a staggeringly unequal work load.

OP we really need to know if the 3 year old is in nursery at all and what they're like to look after generally. Because if they're around all the time and need a lot of input, that's hugely different from a child who gets the free 15 hours and is happy to sit and do activities whilst the parent gets on with things. That you haven't mentioned nursery makes me think the 3 year old maybe doesn't go yet?

That said, even if it's the former, it's still fair for you to split the night wakings evenly. To hardly ever get an undisturbed night's sleep is a big thing. You shouldn't be doing all of it. I would also think the SAHP could put a few loads of laundry on, it's not a big job. And is there a reason you do shopping and meal planning? If he's cooking it would seem to make more sense for him to do it? If you prefer deciding what gets eaten yourself, he could at least do the purchasing. Both of these could be done in the evenings.

I do think with a 3 year old around all or most of the time and a 6 year old too, the majority of houses are going to be a bit messy. You'd do well to get over that part.

He’s lazy. He won’t put a wash on, he won’t do a food shop? I don’t know any sahp who opts out of that.

Can the jobs be a bit more split? For example I do the shop online but it is delivered during the day and he takes it in and puts it away. Meals we eat the same each week night so no real planning involved. Could you maybe have a meal cycle so you know what is coming up?

Washing. I generally put the washing in the machine, he empties it then either hangs it up outside or if necessary into the dryer. In the week he generally does all the folding and putting away. I do more at the weekend.

Things like presents I generally get (his family is just his Mum, I have lots) but then he will take to the post office in the week.

Who does things like bed changes?