Dear SAHMs

[Figuringitout]

AIBU to ask you how you feel about this division of labour:
For context, kids are 6 and 3.
Working parent works full time - busy / stressful job which involves work in evenings and weekends and has much less 'free' time than SAHP. Working parent does all night wakings and early mornings (as they are up for work) plus most weekends. WP does all laundry, manages all bills and general organising e.g payment/equipment for clubs, birthday party buying etc. WP also does food shopping/meal planning.
SAHP does majority of tidying, all school runs, hoovering, gardening, cooking and cleaning up
Jobs like cleaning bathroom, loading dishwasher, general tidying are shared.
Does this sound fair?

@gamerwidow the kid will be in childcare at least 15 hours a week. Plenty of time to get cleaning done!

For what it’s worth I could immediately tell the OP was the WP in this scenario through the way the situation was described.

I would be interested to see the SAHP represent this situation from their perspective...

As a SAHP myself I know that on paper it may not look like I do a whole lot of list items each day but my days are definitely non stop and I’m usually more tired than my DH when he returns home from work each day....

But of course every situation is different and I think the most important aspect of it all is communication with one another at such times that you feel the balance in your household is not right.. so well done to OP on addressing this directly with your spouse

I'm guessing the WP is the OP and yes you are doing more than a fair share !

My kids are grown now and I'm a widow but I was always a SAHM.

I did everything in the home. Cooking, cleaning, shopping, admin (pre and post internet) all finances, decorating arranging the decorators to come everything for the kids, school, Doctors, Dentist, all with the pets etc.

The reason being, DH worked hellish long hours and came home shattered. At weekends we all used to go out places or do stuff, he was a fantastic and very involved dad but simply didn't have time for anything much at home.

It worked very well for us.

I think OP that I’d be wanting more time with my kids having fun. And time with my partner.

Weekends and evenings too? I wonder if you are doing a lot of the ‘managerial’ stuff to compensate for the lack of daily closeness. Ditch the shopping, (your DP can do it online), share the lie ins / early mornings, and get DP to do the laundry. Just leave it. It’ll all get done. Stop managing him and overcompensating.

Get home, relax, have a great time with DP, play with your kids. Cut down on work if you can!

Surely sahp should deal with most night waking if other parent has to get up early for going to work. Also sahp could be doing more of the admin like making sure bills paid and birthday cards sent off on time etc. Wp seems to be doing a lot if also single earner.

Sounds about right. Night wakings for a three and six year old can't be all that many? Weekend stuff should be shared equally between working parent and SAHP and is a good time to be flexible. Parties and present buying could be done together. But probably easiest if one person is responsible for one thing. ie putting bins out, doing laundry, cleaning, food shopping, cutting the grass. It's just a case of dividing it all up to suit and what works best.

Looking after a kid is not full time work. Get real.
Well at three they still need fairly consistent supervision, meals making, possibly help the loo or nappy changing, help getting dressed, taking anywhere etc. How is that not full time work? I can't lock him in the cupboard for half a day

night wakings should be SAMP
early mornings (as they are up for work) should be WOHP
plus weekends. I'd say shared but here WP does then...
laundry should be split - fill a load when there's enough and cycle the washing
manages all bills and general organising e.g payment/equipment for clubs, birthday party buying etc. Either person, I , prefer to duo it as I have control issues
food shopping/meal planning. again either or both
majority of tidying, all school runs, hoovering, all sensibly SAHP
gardening split or based on personal preference
cooking SAHP but shared at weekends and cleaning up same as above

Jobs like cleaning bathroom, loading dishwasher, general tidying are shared.

I would say WP is doing too much. WP in our household is in a stressful legal sector job.

My SAHM jobs include:

Monday-Friday waking children, dressing, feeding, school runs.
All cleaning.
I dont do the ironing as i hate it (we outsource it) but its my job to send and collect it.
All present buying and general shopping.
All bill paying and money dealing with.
All night wakes and when children nap during day I nap if i need to.
I also attend EVERYTHING child related as WP working means I am afforded that luxury. Plus due to his job he can, sadly, rarely get time off in the day to come.

Cooking is split (although I do more as WP is shit at it and his speciality is frozen pizza) and WP does the weekend extra curriculum club runs and one morning routine at the weekend (I do the other so we both get one day lie-in). Also we share gardening because we both hate it but it has to be done.

WP and SAHP should get one weekend lie-in each, not out of fairness, but out of necessity. Both parents sound as if they're working really hard.

The WP is still doing most of the traditional 'women's' work and the SAHP is doing much of what traditional working dads would do.

He's got the life of Riley.

WP is doing too much. Life admin and night wakings should fall to the SAHP.

I'd bet my last pound the SAHP is a man.

Is the 3 year old in nursery? If so the SAHP basically just potters about and actually does fuck all.

In order to be fair we need the sahp's consideration of what they do.
I know dh never realised a lot of the things that needed doing when I was at home full time.

It's easy to think the other one has it easy unless you're actually doing it day in day out.

WP does all laundry, manages all bills and general organising e.g payment/equipment for clubs, birthday party buying etc. WP also does food shopping/meal planning.

SAHP should absolutely be doing all of this.

The mental burden of all the planning and organisation should not fall on the WP on top of the mental burden of work.

And the laundry cycle should be done start to finish by the SAHP too. It makes no sense to waste good drying weather. If you have a washer and dryer then it makes even less sense - this is not a huge physical effort at all and the person at home should be able to manage the laundry cycle from start (gathering, sorting) to finish (all put away).

The SAHP should also get the children up and organised in the mornings unless this time with the children is valued by the WOHP and there is no stress involved.

Both can tidy, both can load/unload the dishwasher, maybe the WOHP could clean up after dinner?

Gardening is fine for the SAHP but is this something that is done every day?
Tidying and hoovering - SAHP should do this.
Cooking - SAHP should do this, maybe getting a break one weekend day. But the SAHP should do all the meal-planning and grocery shopping. Any eejit can cook what he is told to cook, using ingredients that have been shopped for by someone else. The only effort expended is putting it all in the pot and not burning it.

Seems that the SAHP is treating this role as if the small elements that are done by him are a favour to the WOHP and not an area where a significant contribution should be made?

Many SAHPs do everything that is now shared or done by the WP in the household, and with more children (and younger children plus babies) to take into account. I had five DCs underfoot for the better part of the 2000s. I think the SAHP here is taking the piss.

WP is doing too much.

If Saha does the cooking, he should be organising the food menus, shopping etc.

Also, laundery. Can’t believe wp is expecting to do this.

Household bills etc, I think one partner in a relationship will naturally end up being the person who oversees this, whether it’s the wp, or the sap.

My dh does more than the average working parent because I’m chronically ill and disabled. He never did the night time waking when dd was little. I wasn’t anywhere near as poorly then. I still now wouldn’t expect him to do the waking even now. Although I wasn’t completely well I did everything on the list apart from most of the paperwork and gardening. I did the tax return.

It sounds as if you’re doing an awful lot. Is your partner fit and healthy?

sleeping it depends a lot on the kid. My three yr old hasn't needed help with the toilet or dressing for almost a yr. Often plays unsupervised. Takes fruit as a snack when hungry and goes and lies down when tired mostly without needing me to tell her or help her.
Of course we cook meals, play games and go out together but even with a four yr old as well it is not a constant full on job to look after them.

There's night waking with 6 and 3 year olds?

I work PT, DH works full time.

I do everything on the list aside from night wakings for our 4yo as DH is much better at getting back to sleep and supper on my work days.

Weekends everything is split equally.

SAHP is taking the piss.

@MagicalMysteryTourer
So a nanny looking after a child for 40+ hours a week hasn't got a full-time job then? I'm sure they'll be very disappointed to discover this...

I am really disappointed by a lot of responses on this thread. I know that in this scenario the SAHP is a man, but most of the responses reflect society's attitude towards domestic/childcare work that is undervalued as it is typically done by women.

We have no idea how difficult the 3 year old is and the level of supervision and interaction they require. Some kids at that age are great at playing alone and are fairly responsible for their age, others are still firmly in toddlerhood and need a parent's attention pretty much most of the time. OP doesn't mention that the 3 yo is necessarily in childcare so that could mean the SAHD is left with very little time/energy to devote to all this housework that everyone assumes he should be doing.

I guess what I'm trying to say is only OP has a chance of really understanding the personalities of her children and their needs, how difficult the jobs that she/her does and whether at the end of the week the balance of effort and time expended is vaguely equal. I would say even then, OP should be mindful of the fact that it is very difficult to assess this if you haven't truly lived the life of the other person. Whilst you're working weekends etc presumably he is stuck looking after the children AGAIN and other than the mornings it would be pretty relentless to be responsible for relatively young children for that amount of time.

Don't fall into the trap of thinking that being at home is automatically easier than working. I've done both (had a very stressful job too!) And working actually afforded me more brain space and conserved more energy than being with the kids at home. It could simply be that you are both being stretched to your limits and have very little time left for yourself at the moment, if this is the case then pulling together as a team may be your best solution to get through this period.

How much child free time does SAHP have?

Spilt the tasks better and don’t do his tasks

Sounds like our set up exactly when WP was working (sort of retired now) except SAHP also did the meal planning etc as well as WP worked very long hours. Now it's all pretty much split down the middle. Thanks

Not sure where the 'thanks' came from. I didn't type that!!!