Dear SAHMs

[Figuringitout]

AIBU to ask you how you feel about this division of labour:
For context, kids are 6 and 3.
Working parent works full time - busy / stressful job which involves work in evenings and weekends and has much less 'free' time than SAHP. Working parent does all night wakings and early mornings (as they are up for work) plus most weekends. WP does all laundry, manages all bills and general organising e.g payment/equipment for clubs, birthday party buying etc. WP also does food shopping/meal planning.
SAHP does majority of tidying, all school runs, hoovering, gardening, cooking and cleaning up
Jobs like cleaning bathroom, loading dishwasher, general tidying are shared.
Does this sound fair?

GamerWidow

Very fair? Seriously?

The SAHP there is having an easy ride in my opinion.

That said, there's quite a few people on MN who think that being a SAHM means you only have to do token housework becasue you are looking after the children and you aren't a housekeeper or a maid, but being a SAHD means the housework should be done, kids shouls be looked after and tea is on the table otherwise he is a cocklodger.

Sahp has it very easy! I don’t work, but don’t drive. So need the oh to do shopping with me.

I do all cleaning, washing, tidying and try to do all cooking although oh wants to do more. He starts early or late depending on his weekly shifts habit he wants to do more.

I generally do all night wakings and school drop offs.

Your split doesn’t sound fair at all

single The op hasn't said which is which.

But yeah that is pretty much my life. The sahp does the mornings though.

Tis what it is.

SAHP needs to pull their socks up tbh.

I'd say food shopping/ planning, most laundry, and child-related admin eg birthday and clubs stuff should definitely sit with SAHP.

Night wakings - depends if they're frequent or not really and why the WP does it eg breastfeeding.

to the person asking why they still wake up, incidentally. I'm nearly 40 and still regularly wake in the night.

I'm guessing that at 3 and 6 both kids are in childcare at least 15 hours a week?

I think the SAHP should take on more of the food shopping and laundry, at the very least.

Sounds like SAHP has a sweet deal. In our family WP who has a busy stressful job works all day, evening and most weekends and doesn’t do much else bar a bit of DIY and childcare for a few hours on the weekends. SAHP does everything else including all wakings and mornings for 2 year old.

SAHP is slacking a bit, unless there's a massive dripfeed that the eldest is very low functioning with ASD and the 3 year old doesn't sleep through.

Im the SAHP and my responsibilities are:

House- cleaning, maintenance, laundry
Car- servicing
Food- planning, buying, cooking
Dog- vets, meds, ticks, fleas, food, hydrotherapy
Kid- keeping alive.

My partner does laundry when needs it, and cleans the kitchen after dinner (I refuse to cook and clean, but that works both ways). We share night wakings, usually me sun- Thurs and partner fri-sat, unless it's a bad one. Partner does bathtime/bedtime but that's not a chore, that's their time together. Partner also tends to get up in the mornings to do breakfast because I'm sleepy stage of pregnancy/suffering morning sickness.

SAHP should be doing laundry and food shop. WP is doing too much and needs more free time to de-stress. Must be causing a lot of resentment.

Actually I'm being a bit unfair, he probably does do abut more than the sahp in the op but all children are school age.

I am trying now to no longer being resentful. It just makes me feel awful , I just appreciate the snippets when something is taken off me.

Singlebutmarried
you are making assumptions there about gender

MaisyPops if you are at home full time with a child who doesn't sleep in the day a I personally think that childcare is your job. Of course you should get some things done but I think you get done what you can. If my DH came home from work and I hadn't stacked the dishwasher for example he would stack it and assume I had been too busy.

I do think getting the kids organised and ready for school should be the sahp job simply because the other parent has to get ready for work. I also think that the working parent deserves down time at the weekend and should have one of the lie-ina. They should probably also do night waking or at least share them.

obviously if 3 year old is at nursery then the sahp should do the majority if housework.

Sahp is ripping the hole.

I think it's okay to share night wakings so that wohp does some at weekends - ft job does not = no parenting responsibilities, but sahp should do majority.
Likewise housework should be more equally shared at weekends but during the working week most should be covered by sahp imo. I am a sahm - dh cooks his own breakfast and washes up before work and I do all the packed lunches, sorting dc for school. I do cleaning and laundry during the day and most shopping. Also do bill paying and any admin and school pick ups.
I meal plan and cook evening meal. If home dh helps wash up after dinner. He does stuff like the bins, helps the kids with homework in the subjects he can do better than me and does some shopping if needed.
I think in your situation the wohp is doing all the taxing stuff and sahp is coasting along nicely, not doing their 50%. I agree wohp is probably female.

Doesn't sound fair on WP-is this a same sex couple bac?

SAHP is slacking. They should do all meal planning and shopping, vast majority of chores, laundry, and home admin. Lie ins should be shared.

So, what’s the story?

Ridiculous- WP is doing way too much. Total pisstake by SAHP.

Is SAHP okay? Have they given up work to be SAHP? They ideally should be able to do more so that WP gets a fairer load. Often SAHP feels that WP gets more time away from the ‘daily grind’ and so let’s WP pick up more of the household stuff than they perhaps should. SAHP might need some of their own time perhaps?

Haven't RTFT but I'd expect SAHM to do everything during week.

WP must be knackered! SAHP should do more.

Can that happen? Are they open to doing more? Setting up a rota?

I assume you're the working parent OP? If so you're being taken for a ride! SAHP needs to pull their socks up and start doing their fair share.

I'm be SAHM. When they were babies, I did the night feeds and wakings Sunday to Thurs and DH did Friday and Saturday and we swapped over if he was on holiday. I did all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. We did bath time night about and he did bedtime settling every night. We both did the shopping on the weekend and he did the garden. Now they're bigger I still do all the household chores and if anyone wakes up in the night they come to me most nights but DH on weekends. He often does the food shopping himself now because the kids get so bored and weekend chores are shared. I'd say in OP's house the SAHP has it easy. My DH works long hours with a long commute and I've already done everything when he gets in. He does bath time and bedtime on a Monday when I go to a class and the dishwasher after tea every night but that's it on weekdays.

I still think it’s fair. SAHP job is looking after the 3 yo. The other jobs are pretty evenly split. The only thing wohp does exclusively is laundry, food shopping and paying for bills, clubs and birthdays (most of these will be DD so not really an arduous job).
Night wakings should be split but other than that the jobs really do seem equal.

I don’t think it sounds too unfair. All the school runs and cooking, cleaning of house and tidying and childcare is a fair bit. They are obviously up in the morning getting them ready for school, when they come home, they cook for you when you get back.

If the night and early mornings are frequent I’d share these. Other than that, what exactly is the problem?

From this perspective, it certainly sounds as though SAHP isn't pulling their weight.