Would you knowingly be the other woman?

[wouldyoubeherifyouknew]

Name changed.

I've been reading a lot of threads about affairs and thinking of my own situation and wondering this:

If you knew someone was married with young children and the family had recently been bereaved after a very traumatic year, would you KNOWINGLY get romantically involved with that person?

Definately not, but I once was unknowingly !!.I met a soldier through a friend, when I had just moved to Cambridge.
Had a few dates and only kissed and cuddled.It was 1970 and I was very naive...luckily.
3 weeks later this so called "friend " admitted that he was married and his wife had just had a baby !!
I was mortified and kicked him and the friend into touch.

Mrs Harrison I would feel like I was getting the scraps if I was with a married man. Regardless of how he made me feel or what yarn he was spinning. It would make me feel uncomfortable to the extent that I wouldn't do it. I might tell him 'come back when you've left your wife' but I certainly wouldn't put up with being anyone's bit on the side.

Not everyone is as wise as you.
Most of these affairs start out as a bit of fun, no one's gonna get hurt etc. The ow may think she has control and she has no intention of breaking up a marriage.
And not all women want a full time relationship at certain times in their lives so what you call scraps is another woman's ideal of having the good parts of a relationship without the boring bits.
The man says he loves his wife but is not in love with her blah blah.

The longer it goes on the more chance that feelings get in the way.
I haven't done it and now I'm older there's even less chance of it happening. Apart from the morality, it's the secrecy of it all that turns me off.

I was the other woman once. It went on for a year or so between the birth of my 2nd and 3rd child. Now I look back I'm disgusted with myself but at the time I think I was lonely and wanted validation that despite having 2 kids I was still desirable which is really sad.

IMO, husbands (and wives, but this thread is specifically about husbands cheating) need to take responsibility for making their own marriages work, and keeping their own marriage vows and generally being decent people, and not allowing outside forces to be blamed when they deliberately choose to do otherwise.

I find it hard to believe that there are many (if any) scenarios where a woman goes out of her way to pick off a vulnerable man and rip him from his blissful family idyll. But this seems to be what the classic 'home-wrecker' stereotype looks like in may people's imaginations.

My dad had an affair once and when it came to light, when I was 15, a lot of people said really awful things about the OW, about her being a manipulative nasty bitch getting her 'claws' into my dad and not giving a shit about anyone else. Even age 15, I wondered why my dad seemed to get off so lightly while all the anger was directed at the OW (he stayed with my mum). After all, he was the one betraying his wife and family, breaking his marriage vows and telling lies in order to be with her.

Personally, I feel much more judgemental of the person in the relationship who is cheating, rather than the single person they are using to satisfy their urges. I do think there is a bit of responsibility on the OW's part not to get involved with a married man, but it should be more like 10%, with the rest directed at the husband - the person actually doing the lying and cheating.

(OP, I know you've said that in your case the anger is/was directed at your ex-husband, so this isn't directed at you - just quite shocked at some of the responses. Some women even suggesting that they felt guilty after finding out he was married, even though they didn't know* at the start. WTF??)

This thread has opened my eyes about how common being the other woman is though and makes me feel guilty

Bears don't feel guilty, you've moved on and learnt from it

I'm still stupid when it comes to men but I'd never go after someone who is taken again

@BearsandHearts

Out of interest do you feel guilty because you were having an affair with another woman's husband? Or because you were cheating on your partner (assuming this was the case)?

You're beating yourself up a bit, put it in the past. We all do silly things at times.

I didn't have a partner at the time. I was single. I felt guilty that I was potentially hurting his wife. I don't think she ever found out.

@Ducksinarow1 thank you for saying that. I agree with most of what you have said. In my case though I do have hatred for the OW in that she has supported and enabled my stbexh to make countless false allegations of child abuse and court applications and put our children through hell along with me. I feel they have both robbed us all of their innocent childhood years and that's what I'll never forgive because my children didn't deserve that no matter how much they hated me. I don't understand how she has chosen to believe his lies and to stand by him knowing how abusive he was.
I think it would be interesting to look at how women feel as the Ow when he is still with his wife and then how they feel once the man has left his wife and family and shackled up with her. Do they feel like they've won? Do they feel smug and proud to have got their 'prize' and revel in having made the ex-wife bitch lose what she had? Or do they forever feel remorse and paranoia wondering if he will do the same to them as he did to his first wife?
I'd also be interested to hear all this from a husband and other man perspective.
Sometimes humanity makes my heart and soul swell with how in times of adversity we tend to reach out and support each other. And sometimes my heart weeps and my soul is bare when I hear of the vile things some people do to others.

It sounds like you're extremely raw about all this and it's different if there are court cases and children involved.

I'd back off faster than a ferret if that were the case, never been involved in anything like that, you need to take care of yourself

One thing ive learnt at my ripe of age of late 30s and reading mn that Things are never black and white and in this situation op your anger should be to your cheating husband not the ow. There are so many variables!

My grandad had an affair whilst with my gran leaving his children. The ow was more suited to him tbh he spent more years with her than my gran. I know all of them as a child but wasnt around when it happened as my dad was young. The ow made him happy and made my sis and nice cakes. My gran made her peace with it about a few years before he died when he came to stay (in the spare bedroom) to tell her he was dying to to apologise and explain. He and my step gran never regreted what happened from what i hear. My gran would be almost 110 now if she was still alive so this all happened when this was discussed openly.

All this happened what it wasn't discussed openly ipad!

@wouldyoubeherifyouknew
That sounds like a reasonable reason to have issues with her - but it doesn't seem to be related to the fact she was ever the OW (even if they'd met after you'd broken up she would presumably still be behaving like this and you would feel the same?)

In answer to your question about 'winning', I can't speak from personal experience but two of my friends have been the OW - one for 4 years, and one for a few months (both men left their partners to be with them). For them, they just wanted to be with the guy - I don't think the thought process went much further than that - certainly neither of them really ever mentioned the original partners. Neither of the men were married, but they were in long-term relationships (no kids in either case).

On another note, here is Ant McPartlin's new GF being slated for breaking the 'girl code' even though they didn't get together until months after he broke up with his wife.
www.thesun.co.uk/tvandshowbiz/6554127/ant-mcpartlin-girlfriend-anne-marie-corbett-spotted-lisa-armstrong/

in this situation op your anger should be to your cheating husband not the ow.

Why can't someone have anger for both? It is not nothing to knowingly provide someone else with assistance in their harmful endeavours.

To use an analogy, if I knowingly agreed to let a drunk person drive my car, and other people end up getting hurt, it wouldn't surprise me at all to find myself on the receiving end of some rather bad feeling for events I chose to assist in.

A couple we know are married have been for forty odd years. The wife has developed severe mental issues starting not long after they married but has refused all treatment of any kind. It turns out her husband has promised to support her and stay to look after her in her old age but has had a mistress for 10 years. Knowing this couple really well it is all really sad but I really can’t blame him in any way she is a real nightmare to live with. As I said all really sad but at least he gets a bit of pleasure from the relationship.

@Ducksinarow1 yes you're right, just venting, sorry!
@LanguidLobster it's not raw but once in awhile I feel sad or angry about the situation and have a bit of a rant. Or the children are upset and it brings it to the surface. I'm one who tries to understand the whys and wherefores and struggle to understand how people can be so horrible to others in general.

OP I’m in no way defending the OW in your case - but from what you describe it still sounds as if she’s been fed countless lies from your ex. In this case I would say she justifies her actions in that you are really seen as the “bad guy” in this situation. Again it is your ex who has really created all of this, isn’t it. She’s certainly no innocent bystander and I would hate her guts if I were you, but as an outsider looking in it’s a little more clear how much your ex has vilified you to her.

Probably not.

I don't like to say never because I can't envision how I would've reacted when single and younger in certain circumstances and now I'm married I can't say I'd never cheat because again, I can't second guess where my head would be in 5, 10, 15 years.

But I think it's because I'm very aware of my and many others humanity.

What I can say is, I don't intend to - for all the reasons mentioned.

No, because I'd know that meant the man was too pathetically weak to break up with his wife before dating someone else. And was untrustworthy. Two pretty undesirable qualities.

I wouldn't either.

Because a) I've been on the other side of infidelity and know how much it hurts. B) I'd think less of a man who couldn't just break up with his wife/partner if he was so unhappy and C) I'd always know he was the sort of person who would cheat in these circumstances and I'd know he could do the same to me in future if I got involved.

I couldn't face anyone else's children, knowing that I'd been the (partial) cause of their parents unhappiness/breakup.

I was.fir years. Aged 16/17. He was 32.

I was.fir years. Aged 16/17. He was 32.

I think we all know who was fully to blame there.