Would you knowingly be the other woman?

[wouldyoubeherifyouknew]

Name changed.

I've been reading a lot of threads about affairs and thinking of my own situation and wondering this:

If you knew someone was married with young children and the family had recently been bereaved after a very traumatic year, would you KNOWINGLY get romantically involved with that person?

I was, many years ago, with (such a cliche) my much older manager at work.

I fell for him badly, knew it was wrong and would end badly, so moved far away from him - to the other side of the world in fact.

I'm not proud of what happened at all, but my experience means I have an understanding of how affairs can happen.

At university I dabbled with boys who had girlfriends at home but i wasn't the only one, ie the boys didn't regard the relationships as serious and I can't say I felt v bad about that.

SIL was the other woman for 6 months or so with a guy from work with 3 kids. She was 27, he was 40 and I heard all the cliches from her about the lazy wife who just spent his money. She didn't want him to leave or anything but she's just come out of a long relationship and she got some good sex and validation of her attractiveness, both of which she hadn't had.

So many other people (including mil) told her it was all fine and she shouldn't worry as she wasn't the married one but dh and I did avoid her during this period (we were close) and did tell her I thought she was being shitty.

Yes, I'm knowingly the OW.

Why? Because I love him and I can't stop the way I feel about him. Nothing physical has happened (yet) but there is well and truly and emotional affair happening. He will never leave his wife and I have to be ok with that - I have no right not to be.

I want to find the strength to end it but it's much easier said than done. Believe me, I'm not proud of it and it's not something I ever expected to happen. I'm prepared to be well and truly flamed here and I really am sorry that this post will offend so many. You asked a question and I answered honestly.

I hate how people who are the ow say oh I gained a life lesson.
A persons wife and kids should not be put in a horrible position just so you can grow as a person.

No, because that kind of relationship is for women who think they're only worthy of the scraps. My sense of dignity would not allow it.

I personally wouldn't. Although I must admit it isn't out of loyalty to the sisterhood, but I am too proud to accept being second best.

It isn't that I actively don't care about women, I do consider myself a feminist - but I have trouble with how this question is phrased when it comes up. It makes it sound as if the best solution for all affairs is for the "OWs" to back off. Which completely let's the men off! If the only thing standing between your husband and infidelity is my refusal, I would say you have a cheating husband.

Actually White, I would say you could stop the way you feel, it's just an infatuation, you could completely distance yourself from this person and the feelings will eventually fade.

You are choosing not to and to fan your fantasy because you like it and want to carry on.

No flaming from me, but you're not a poor helpless fool swept away by circumstance. You are an active participant in your own life.

No, because that kind of relationship is for women who think they're only worthy of the scraps. My sense of dignity would not allow it.

But these men don't make them feel like they're receiving scraps.
The fact is many men do leave their wives for the ow.
It's a mistake to view ow as being morally inferior or as all having low self esteem.
Strong physical chemistry is incredibly powerful and i would hope I had the strength to fight it.

And I speak from experience because years ago I got emotionally embroiled with a man that was not my husband and I made the choice to step the fuck away before I destroyed my perfectly lovely marriage for a moment of utter insanity.

And I would never allow that to happen again as it is a choice.

White, you cannot stop the way you feel but you can stop the way you act...and feelings have a funny way of following prolonged actions.

That said, his marriage isn't your responsibility so if it all goes tits up I would blame only him for it.

And with that also said, I have to say that this is what tends to irritate me the most about people who have affairs. Humans are complicated and fragile and unlike most of MN, I don't think people who have affairs are always necessarily evil incarnate. But what does annoy the fuck out of me is how, in almost every case, they will talk about it exactly as you do - as if it is something that just happened to them, completely beyond their control. As if they have no agency and made no decisions (if this becomes physical, it will be because you both made a decision and took an action).

If you have an affair, well, you will be in good company and it won't necessarily mean you are a dreadful person. But please own your choices and actions.

The biggest mistake of my life involved sleeping with a bloke at uni who had a girlfriend back home. I was young, stupid and moronic. I cant even understand, let alone justify, why I did it. No. I'd never knowingly be the other woman. It is the lowest a person can stoop.

sleeping with a bloke at uni who had a girlfriend back home.

This is obviously not a good thing to do, but on the spectrum of affairs, I would not beat yourself up for too long.

Walk away white. You can’t control how you feel, but you can choose how to respond. Have some dignity.

No. Apart from anything else, the man in question has already shown you he's not worth having.

A friend of mine had an affair with a married man years ago. They both left their respective spouses and married

She had an affair 5 yrs in but left him then went back

Turns out he was having an affair the last 2 yrs and she is fucking furious.

I’m fucking baffled as to how she can’t see the poetic justice

I’m still supportive, I wasn’t around during their first marriages and only suspected her affair but COME ON!!

Dally with a dallier and get dallied on

In my 20s i was back were i grew up for a holiday and had a fling with an ex who had a girlfriend. Did this with him twice tbh. Neither time did these women seem real to me. He didnt hide them but made them sound more casual than i think they thought they were (on reflection). But i didnt think really.

Nope. You will lose your man how you got him! If he did it to her, he will do it to you! You reap what you sew! I could go on lol.....

I did this years ago, I was still quite young and it lasted approximately 2.5 years. It totally destroyed my life and broke my heart irreversibly.

I know I deserved it.

I'll never do it again.

Mrs Harrison I would feel like I was getting the scraps if I was with a married man. Regardless of how he made me feel or what yarn he was spinning. It would make me feel uncomfortable to the extent that I wouldn't do it. I might tell him 'come back when you've left your wife' but I certainly wouldn't put up with being anyone's bit on the side.

I like that QOD :
'Dally with a dallier and get dallied on'
or
If you marry a man who cheats on his wife you're married to a man who cheats on his wife.

Never. I have been cheated on and it was agony. My self esteem was in tatters for years. Couldn't live with that on my conscience.

I have been the Other Woman although they were going through a divorce which then didn't happen. I was sure the wife knew.

I was told I saved their marriage (whether I did or I did not I do not actually know) by the wife several years later. I still feel guilty and shameful about it. However, the man was in a position of trust and I think the entire thing was unethical on many grounds.

My relationship now is not monogamous. I doubt I will ever have a relationship that is monogamous due to being the OW.

No, never. I would never be involved with a man in a relationship. I couldn't do that to another woman.

I think I'd always be wondering what he was up to when not with me if he left his wife for me. If he could do it to her, he could do it to me. I'd never feel secure, would always wonder.

WhiteMustang
Have some self respect and stop this. Think of the wife/children that will have their lives destroyed because of you and the person that is supposed to care for them above everything else.
I have no respect for women that can't seem to control themselves like this. You must be a very weak, selfish person.