Would you knowingly be the other woman?

[wouldyoubeherifyouknew]

Name changed.

I've been reading a lot of threads about affairs and thinking of my own situation and wondering this:

If you knew someone was married with young children and the family had recently been bereaved after a very traumatic year, would you KNOWINGLY get romantically involved with that person?

Well seeing as many, many women have had husbands who have had affairs, there are clearly many many OW. However, none ever seem to be on MN!
I think it's highly likely that anyone would admit to it here

There's a few who have posted on this thread to say they have been.

I have knowingly been the OW (apparently almost the only one on MN...). I didn't set out to "entrap", nor was I looking for an attached man. I had had a string of shitty non-relationships, and a long period (years) of being on my own. I didn't enter into it without guilt and misgivings, I was very aware that he had a wife, but I didn't turn him down. The main reason it happened was because I was lonely and starved of physical contact.
It is now over. I'm still on my own, I miss him, but I didn't want to be the OW any longer.
And yes, I have low self-esteem. And a well-developed misandristic streak.

No I couldn't. I could never live with myself as I think infidelity is totally wrong

In real life friendship or a working relationship develops in a way you weren't expecting and before you know it you're in deeper than you could have imagined.

Completely agree with this.

I met DP at work. At the time, we were both in unhappy relationships. DP was engaged and reluctantly planning a wedding (no DC).

There was always chemistry between us, but never anything more. (It is only after we got together that we both admitted we avoided being in the office alone together etc).

He split with his ex and I split with mine within a month. We got together a few weeks later and have now been together very happily for almost 5 years.

Regardless of the circumstances in which you’ve met, it is never acceptable to cheat, but I can see how it happens. I think deep down me and DP both knew we wanted to be together, but neither of us wanted an affair. We wanted a relationship.

for those who have been through something so awful. I could never knowingly be the OW. I agree with PP who have said no matter how much I loved my DP, it would tear me up inside thinking that if he’d cheated with me, he could definitely cheat on me.

Never.

Not for one second would I consider it.
I get that some people are great liars and some people are vulnerable - but knowingly?
No.
I would judge massively.

matching have you even read this thread because theres a fair few of us who have said we were the OW and also on many other threads of this type too..

A friend of mine has been seeing a married man for years now. By all accounts he's a scum bag, lied to her about having kids, keeps telling her he's going to leave his wife.
Her other friends keep telling her she's doing nothing wrong as he's the married one. I told her that she's completely in the wrong as she knows about his wife and kids. We don't see each other much now.
I do feel a bit sorry for her, she's hopelessly in love with this bastard and she's wasted some of he best years of her life with him (she met him aged 26 and she's now almost 32).
I asked her if she didn't want to get married and have kids. She said she did but with him.
It's all very sad and she's completely deluded. He's older than her and not even attractive.

Never in a million years. It's beyond low. If someone isn't single, you simply don't go there! You have no right to, they belong to someone else!
If they are unhappy with their current partner then they need to end it. Then look elsewhere but not a minute before hand

You have no right to, they belong to someone else!
Noone belongs to someone else. They choose whether to commit to that person or not.

I wouldn’t, personally. If they did it for you they are capable of doing it to you.

Second and subsequent marriages break down even more frequently than first ones.

Shockers you need a Man or Sex to validate you?

Other Women have sex because they have a sex drive, so they satisfy a need, just like you eat something when you are hungry. I know that people have distorted relationships with all sorts of things in their life, though.

It's also a valid choice to satisfy that need without having to burden yourself with a relationship.

This thread has really helped me to realise certain things so thank you to all those who shared their experiences and perceptions and to those who showed sisterly solidarity. Although I made my peace with his affair a long time ago I still had the odd moment of wondering about it and about what kind of people (the man and the woman) would be to do that to a family.

I have been though they weren't married, this was when we were young. I was seeing him before he got into a relationship and I was in an abusive relationship with his friend (I am in no way trying to excuse my actions, just giving a little background). I'm still in touch with him on FB and he's indicated over the years that he wanted more when they split but I certainly didn't, it was just physical for me. Obviously we would never have been able to trust each other either. I'll probably come back to this thread to add more.

I had a drunken one night stand with a married man (not excusable in anyway but I was going through a separation and he’d spent the previous 4 hours talking to me about it and topping up me glass - absolutely knew what he was doing). I told his wife. I also knew he’d done the same with another one of my friends. Told the wife about her as well.

When my friend's affair with mm was discovered, his wife left and he dumped my friend. His wife's friends took great delight in giving my friend dirty looks when their paths crossed. They even told the manager of a bar that she was a prostitute and not to serve her.
Within a few weeks two of these friends had made moves on the mm.
So much for friendship. So I remain very cynical when people say they would never behave that way. We humans can be complicated.

I've been the other woman before but I didn't know it and that was bad enough. I work in an office where lots of affairs have happened. One of the managers had an affair with a colleague, left his wife for her and they now live together. She left for the good of the relationship and he is now having an affair with another colleague. Nothing changes there.

No.

When I was much, much younger, I once slept with someone else’s boyfriend. Someone I knew (not a Friend but I liked her).

I felt disgusting afterwards. He told her, she was devastated, I apologised to her but she quite rightly didn’t forgive me. I didn’t forgive myself.

Stupid, selfish and indulgent behaviour. Inexcusable.

Absolutely not.

Never.

Not with kids.

I have.

I was very young, obviously immature and didn’t care.

I knew he was married and his wife had not long had a baby.

We didn’t have a relationship as such, just meet for dinner/drinks and for sex. He worked away a lot and I have no idea if she had any idea.

I’m not proud of it at all but at the time I wasn’t especially bothered, after all I was single.

I’m now horrified and can’t believe I found someone attractive who could do that to his wife. I’ve since been married and divorced because my husband had an affair with a woman he worked with. They’re still together. Karma I guess.

So I remain very cynical when people say they would never behave that way. We humans can be complicated.

Quite. There are a lot of judgemental virtue signallers out today. Oh so very easy to claim on an internet forum that "I would never do that bad thing."

Careful you don't get dizzy up there on the moral high ground, y'all.

No, as I saw it done to my Mum twice, and had to live with the consequences from age 13 onwards.

Absolutely not. Who can be arsed with all the drama and fall-out, not to mention the effect you're having on an innocent wife and children all for the sake of some duplicitous sack of shit.

No ta!