Would you knowingly be the other woman?

[wouldyoubeherifyouknew]

Name changed.

I've been reading a lot of threads about affairs and thinking of my own situation and wondering this:

If you knew someone was married with young children and the family had recently been bereaved after a very traumatic year, would you KNOWINGLY get romantically involved with that person?

There do seem to be a number where "he was unhappy with his wife and left her 2 weeks later, now we're happily married so that's OK!". Perhaps he should have left BEFORE starting the next relationship!

No. It's a deal breaker for friendships too am afraid. Just one of those things I feel strongly about. I know it isn't always clear cut but there's no reason not to wait until one relationships ends before starting another however you wrap it up, genuinely separated but not divorced aside.

No.

Nope. Nothing to do with moral reasons, I just would not be remotely attracted to a man who would choose to do that.

That kind of level of self serving lust and deception is just fundamentally unattractive to me.

takeit has it spot on, the spouse having the affair clearly checked out of the relationship years before they actually told the spouse! wouldyou i have been in precisely the same position as you, im now 2.5 years on and am happy with my life for the first time in years. My overiding opinion on emotional affairs and full affairs is that any married man looking for one is an utter wanker, any female responding knowing that she will become an ow is a tramp........

I was the OW when I was 17/18. I was going through a hard time and was very vulnerable and naive, he was pushing 40 and I was flattered by the attention. His wife rang me once and screamed at me and I thought it was hilarious. I’m pretty sure I wasn’t the only one by a long shot, he was very brazen about it. That makes me feel sick now, I’m definitely not proud of myself and hope that my children have more self-respect than I did. I would never knowingly do it now and would be devastated if my OH cheated.

No, mainly out of loyalty to myself over a stranger, which sounds cold, and not being deluded enough to consider a cheater a decent catch.
I'm not second best, and a philandering husband is a turn off.

I have in a different set of circumstances. I won't pretend I was young and stupid and manipulated into it but without a lifetime of low self esteem and going through a particularly difficult time it wouldn't have happened. His wife never found out. I've had therapy since and I'm a lot more self aware so it would never again but of course it's something I'm very ashamed of.

I have been. But his wife got off on cuckolding 🤷🏼‍♀️ she still texts me every now and then to see how I am 😁

I also was when I was younger. The wife was a cnt. He was too but he was a sexy cnt so I didn't much care. Still don't care much.

My husband can do what he likes, he has free reign, as do I. It's much more fun that way.

The problem here is the definition of OW.

I think there are very few women who deliberately set out to be an OW, the brazen hussy who sets out to lure a married man is a myth.

In real life friendship or a working relationship develops in a way you weren't expecting and before you know it you're in deeper than you could have imagined. Particularly if it all happens during a difficult period in your life.

Not me, but I've seen it happen and just as with every other situation in life, you're in no position to judge unless you've lived exactly the same life (which you haven't because every situation if different)

I wouldn't but I know woman who have. Not all of them had low self esteem. Some just wanted occasional fun without the responsibility of a full time relationship.

Sometimes stronger feelings developed and some men did leave their wives.

All the ones I knew did not chase the men. The men chased them.

A friend of mine is an ow. He ended it the other week, saying it wasn't fair on the ow. She accepted it in a nice way and wished him all the best. Two days later he was waiting outside her office saying he missed her and now it's back on.

I think it's the men who have self esteem issues. He expected her to be distraught and when she wasn't, he chased after her again.

@Passportto totally agree.

No and I hate he I was only 20 excuse and didn’t know any better.
I got propositioned by married guys in my late teens and early twenties. I was never interested. I knew the difference between right and wrong then. I knew I didn’t want to fuck with and other woman’s life then. Being young is a poor excuse.

I was the OW a few years ago. It only lasted 4 months and during that time he did leave his wife (they got back together). I wouldn't do it again.

I have been the OW emotionally, and more than once. It's only now, years down the track, that I see that it was such a waste of time.

If a loving, mutual relationship is your goal, this is not it. If you want to be at a man's beck and call, spend lots of emotional energy seething at another woman for having what you 'want,' have special occasions and events ignored rather than shared, be scared of commitment, have your needs and desires overridden for his, have your self esteem punctured while he reminds you that his wife and family are more important, hold your breath hoping and waiting... go for it.

It's only after a GOOD relationship that I see how destructive it is to be the OW in any shape or form. It never worked out when I waited for these men to want me. And maybe they wanted me, even, but they never had the balls to leave for me.

I would hate it if another woman was perched waiting for my partner or husband to get tired of me and pick her.

I promise there are single, unencumbered men out there who will be able to give you the relationship you crave. It might be a long hard slog to find them but it at least has more purpose than slaving away trying to be 'perfect' for some louse who wants cake and unrestricted eating privileges too

In real life friendship or a working relationship develops in a way you weren't expecting and before you know it you're in deeper than you could have imagined. Particularly if it all happens during a difficult period in your life.
Yep, this is what happened with me

Never.
It's happening to me now. Found out earlier this week.
But she's not the ow she's just his "friend".

Just no way. I If the cheating partner respected you, then he wouldn’t be treating you as a little secret. I’m worth more than that.

I wish I had mumsnet at 20 to tell me all this. Mine went on for 2 years I thought no one decent would want a single mum

There are loads of (absolutely valid) reasons to do with morals and respect etc. that mean getting involved with a man who has a partner should be off limits.

But if you are single yourself, the main reason not to get involved is because that guy is a cheating arsehole. Why would you want to date a cheating arsehole? If you do want an areshole then find one of your own that isn't involved with another poor woman - it won't be hard, they are plentiful. (Also, probably seek some therapy to explore why you are attracted to arseholes and to work on your self esteem)

I have been

I would have said absolutely not before but I fell for a liar and at the time I wasn’t being so truthful so if you believe in karma

lust and falling in love are very powerful emotions

And everyone ended up hurt of course his wife the most (again)

No I wouldn't. I think it's a massive cop out for the bloke though, the one who took vows with you.

I think there are very few women who deliberately set out to be an OW, the brazen hussy who sets out to lure a married man is a myth.

I disagree. When I was in my early twenties I had a friend who ‘specialised’ in married men. She found it exciting and enjoyed the secrecy. She wasn’t lacking in self esteem at all; quite the opposite. I found it quite shocking.

I had another friend around that time who was quietly having an affair with her married colleague. It lasted for years. He had confessed to his wife quite early on but she wouldn’t let him leave, and together with his parents piled on a lot of religious guilt onto him. Eventually he did leave her and married my friend, but it took years for him to find the gumption. Personally I can’t understand why his wife wanted to hang onto someone who was sleeping with someone else, and I couldn’t understand what my friend got out of the situation either, but I suppose her perseverance paid off in the end. They have been happily married for a decade now so I guess she got her happy ending.

It’s not something I would do.