Would you knowingly be the other woman?

[wouldyoubeherifyouknew]

Name changed.

I've been reading a lot of threads about affairs and thinking of my own situation and wondering this:

If you knew someone was married with young children and the family had recently been bereaved after a very traumatic year, would you KNOWINGLY get romantically involved with that person?

Would never be anyone's second best and also think it's cruel to the other woman.

Catty, sounds like I’m in a similar boat to you.

Saying “no” here on a forum is quite easy. But how many people pick the person they’re going to fall for based on a set criteria? My first DH was shorter than I would’ve picked, but I fell for him. My second was less single than I would’ve picked, but I fell for him.

i met my now dh 20 years ago in a chat room

we talked most days got quite emotionally intimate then he said he was with his partner and children i stopped talking to him

eventually started up again but he'ld left her already she emtionally abused him he was ill when h eleft yes i do believe it he was 9 stone

things arent always black and white-were stil together

Probably would have done once. Brought up with a shit dad and all the other men I'd met were shit as well. Thought that if men are all shit anyway it's no loss to the wife whether I take him or not.
The bereavement wouldn't make a difference. You could see it as helping the DH by being with him. (Haven't RTFT so not sure who died)
I wouldn't do it now but not for any affiliation to someone's wife but rather because I smell bullshit a mile off.

I was 20 and a single mum. He was 32. I still feel guilty years later

user1471 - oh yes and more

Catty - yes some people can and for many Exs, it is not what they wanted and were unprepared for the absolute life and mind fuck this type of behaviour inflicts on them. Problem is the one having the affair, left the relationship a long time ago and moved on, just failed to let the other half know and adapt. The one left behind is emotionally sometimes years behind the unfaithful one and everyone expects them to accept, get on with it and suck it up in a very short space of time.

Oh god no.

This one knows no shame. Tells people my kids are hers. Goes to parents evening. My in laws and her are so sycophantic it's nauseating yet hilarious. She's the physical opposite of me yet my stbexh delights in telling me how similar we are

Walkerbean16 I know it feels like a mess now but please have faith that it gets better. My son was 3 weeks old when I found out. He's 3.5 now, I have made a good career for myself and a happy life for us both. Our life is not rich in terms if money, but it is rich in love, laughter and friends. You can absolutely do this. for you

No, absolutely not.

However, ugh I hate admitting it, I've unknowingly been the other woman 3 times. In my defence, I'd been in a horrible shitty relationship with a nasty man who made me feel worthless. When I started dating again i seemed to attract the sort of twat that had no problem cheating on their partner with me whilst claiming to be single.

I was very very careful after that especially as the partner of one of those men staged all out war against me, thought that I was the devil woman who had seduced her man and started a hate campaign against me.

In me late teens/early 20s I did and quite frankly, I couldn’t have give a shit. I had been cheated on and soon adopted the all’s fair in love and war approach to life.

I was of the ilk that it was their lookout and promises that they broke (although none were married with children, but were in committed relationships). One I was an unwitting OW but I didn’t stop, once I’d found out. Another I knew about but was too selfish to care.

I could pretend I’m remorseful but I was selfish, young and didn’t care about the potential impact of my actions, should it have come out.

No not ever. I have too much self respect. Plus I would never trust someone that could do that to their OH.

I do hate the idea that OW’s are passive, lacking in confidence or being manipulated in some way. This isn’t always the case.

Most of the ones I’ve known, myself included, have just happened to want sex with that person and was happy to carry on, on that basis, as wrong as it may have been.

The only reason I don’t take this attitude now is that I have more of a conscience than I did when I was younger and I wouldn’t want to bulldoze through somebody’s life because I fancied somebody but I wasn’t for a minute passive or led astray when it happened - I just didn’t really think or care beyond my own wants and needs at that time.

No

Disclaimer: I never have and never would be an OW (I’m very very happily married)

BUT

I think each situation is different. I’m so sorry for everyone that has been hurt through infidelity. I just feel that it doesn’t seem to happen with as much intention as presumed (most of the time - there are of course exceptions)

It’s interesting to see how for for the most part anyone who has been an OW justifies their actions (e.g. they didn’t know he was married, he was really unhappy, they didn’t know any better etc) it really shows to me that, in general, nobody is trying to go out of their way to rip apart a family.

But then looking at posters who have known someone who is the OW they are always labeled as “insecure”, wanting their ego stroked etc

I think I try to believe that most people are inherently good. But we get into messy situations in life ... sometimes this may happen more intentionally than others.

Not sure where I’m going with this really, but perhaps in terms of stance in it all I feel that it is the DH/DP who is responsible for having enough “respect” for himself and his DW/DP to not be unfaithful.

It is very easy for a DW to vilify the OW...or indeed an OW to vilify a “horrible wife” in what is portrayed as an unhappy marriage. But in all of this there is an adult man who somehow ends up looking like the biggest victim of all at times yet it is his decisions that have caused it all.....

As a side note - OP your stbxh sounds awful!!!! Sorry for all your heartbreak but happy for you that you are free from him.

"My kids frequently tell me they are always arguing so my eldest thinks they'll break up."

They might be telling you what you want to hear. it would be much better to tell them that you don't want to know. I think that there is still misplaced anger there, as there have been by other posters.

"It's totally a self esteem thing for the women who go there"

Not always. I've never dated someone in a relationship, but I've had sex with them. It's been Men who live a certain lifestyle and the Women they live with, know that.

It can either be about sex, or about having a no strings attached good time (which usually involves having money spent on you, as well).

Not every Woman wants a long term relationship. Some Women find that difficult to believe and subsequently declare any Woman who has sex outside a relationship as "having poor self esteem or self worth" etc.

All depends on whether you are the other woman with an emotional demand, or just a fuck on the side as and when

I was sort of the OW in my younger years. he was much older than me and recently separated (so not OW to his Wife) but during our relationship he had at least 2 serious live in relationships. It was all a bit bizarre looking back and in a way I was the permanent fixture and they were the OW. It was the age difference that caused this mainly.
A former friend had a long history as what she described as a 'professional mistress'. She never believed the my wife doesn't understand me tale. She would run for the hills if they even mentioned leaving their partner. Why? Low self esteem, a history of dysfunctional relationships, serious (professionally diagnosed) mental health conditions, inability to sustain a day to day ltr. She often inserted herself into situations as 'best friend ' of the wife! latterly the internet was a boon to her. sites such as (I think) intimate encounters, which I called mistressesrus. In a strange way she saw herself as 'saving' marriages, as her goal was fun, intrigue and sex not to break up a relationship.

No way I'd ever be the "other woman"...

3 main reasons why:

1. I've been cheated on before, it hurts like fuck and there's no way I'd want to be part of the reason another person feels that shitty.

2. People who cheat on one person, in my opinion/experience, will cheat again. The women on this thread who were the other woman but say that it's okay cos their now partner was unhappy while they were with their ex...bullsh*t. Cheaters lie, and they tell you what they want to hear. Surely there can't be any trust in a relationship if it started with cheating?

3. I don't think I could be attracted to someone who claimed to be unhappy with their partner, but stayed with them until another offer came along - that's pretty pathetic to me. Just grow some balls and leave if you're not happy. Better to be single and happy than in a relationship and miserable.

I think I nearly unknowingly became the OW but cannot be 100% sure.

Met a man through a dating site, he kept backing out on meeting. Anyway one time we were supposed to meet but I couldn't make it so I rang him but couldn't get through on his mobile. He'd given me another number but had told me not to use it (don't know why he gave it me in the first place really) decided since it was urgent so rang the number, got an answer phone message with a women's voice on so I left a message saying we couldn't meet etc, never heard from him again. If I hadn't rung that number who knowd what could have happened.

Happily married with 2dc now. Would never knowingly do that to another woman.

When I was 20ish I had a relationship with a guy who was in our circle of friends for the summer, everybody knew and didn't approve.
He had a girlfriend he hardly saw and no one knew and we saw each other all the time and it just happened.. now as an adult things would never 'just happen'
Also, I think she knew all along then someone told her and she decided to stay together and I felt sorry and left it alone.
They broke up eventually.

Me and the guy are still good friends but I met my now husband and moved Towns and he met his now wife and moved Towns so we never see each other unless something is going on at 'home' that we would go to., prob just as well, we chat on fb etc.

There is always a 'thing' there though. I invited him to my wedding but he didn't want to see me get married.

So yes.. as young and stupid.

But as an adult 100% no!!
I've found it difficult to have friends that gave and stay friends with them but it always ends in tears anyway

No. My self esteem is healthy enough not to have to take up any and every offer to validate myself. Plus, who wants the kind of man who’d do that?

I woudlnt care what the circumstances, I wouldn't be the other woman, no.

I have more respect for myself to do that and also I'd like to think I have more respect for all women than to do that. We deal with enough shit as it is than to turn on eachother like that.