Would you knowingly be the other woman?

[wouldyoubeherifyouknew]

Name changed.

I've been reading a lot of threads about affairs and thinking of my own situation and wondering this:

If you knew someone was married with young children and the family had recently been bereaved after a very traumatic year, would you KNOWINGLY get romantically involved with that person?

No, absolutely not. Funnily enough I was having a similar discussion with a friend a couple of weeks ago. Neither of us are exactly angels and we were both wild when we were younger but we both agreed that’s one thing we’ve never done and we’d never ever do. No matter what the circumstances were.

I do know someone who does do it - quite habitually. She’s got crippingly low self esteem and she values herself entirely on her sexual attractiveness. She degrades herself in unbelievable ways (for example, being coerced into having anal sex, shitting on the sheets and being forced to wash them) but she still sees herself as ‘beating’ the other woman - because she’s made the husband cheat. It’s bizarre. The only winner is the man - he gets to have sex with two women.

No, and not just for the usual MN reason - because your lovely new boyfriend is probably lying worse to you than he is to his wife. Mistresses get a bum deal. Oh, and men don't leave.

I know people who have unknowingly been the OW - they were really horrified, and ended up with, as you might imagine, trust issues.

I was also 17/18.

No, but I was the OW unknowingly. went to his house, met his friends, family and (young) child. He had told them all he wasnt with her anymore while living with her, still sleeping with her and planning a second child but sleeping in a separate bedroom (one i visited!!) and telling her he "Needed time" to heal as his father had just died.

Hate to break it to you, but men DO leave, and you can transition from OW to wife and be very happy.

Do you ever feel guilty catty?

No. And luckily I’ve never been in that position by accident.

I don't think it's always about the feeling of 'winning the prize' though. I think some women are just so lonely and so lacking in self-esteem that they completely fall for anyone who shows them some kindness/attention. It's not the fact the man is married that draws them in but the feeling that someone loves them. They believe any old bullshit they're told by the married man because it seems better than nothing.

No, never have.

I like women. Ime, Ows often have a really mean/nasty view of the universe or/and are really misogynistic/don’t like women.

Or are v young and gullible of course.

Definitely not. My very best friend knowingly became the other woman and we now don't speak. I can't get my head around people who do this.

They believe any old bullshit they're told by the married man because it seems better than nothing

That's really tragic when you stop to think about it.
How lonely and how low must your self esteem be, that you're willing to share a man with another woman, rather than be alone.

Sad.

I was a little older than some here - 19. No manipulation, coercion, or (I don’t think) self esteem issues. I just really liked the guy. Obviously it didn’t start over night - we were very good friends for a while (what I now think MNers would call an emotional affair) and at some point it crossed the line into a physical thing. He wasn’t married at the time, but in a LTR, but during our “relationship” (which we never pretended would be any more than secret meetings) he got engaged and married. I got a beautiful formal invite to his wedding handed to me during one of our meet ups. I didn’t go. I got really rather drunk the night before his wedding and sent him a loooooot of I loooove yoooou text messages. Anyway, as many relationships do, we just drifted apart as our lives changed. She never knew.

Not in the slightest, @Skydiving. She openly admitted that she saw the end of their relationship coming and came off the pill in the hope of falling pregnant because she didn't want to lose the lifestyle that came with him. She was a schemer and used him, I love him. In fact, when he left her for me, she texted me to say that she'd had his best years and I was welcome to him now.

Do you actually expect anyone to say yes? Really? What sort of person would say yes?

I know Mumsnetters love casting the first wife as poor wronged paragons of virtue and OW as evil man-stealing slappers but things really aren't always that black & white.

I'm well past the age for romance, but out of pure self interest, I would not.

First of a man who would cheat on their wife is not the man for me, as I do not like lying faithless cowards.

And secondly no friend would feel safe allowing me to spend time with their husbands or partners if I proved to be lying and faithless.

OP your post has made me worry I had written this and forgotten! Even down to the bereavement, 2 DC etc.

I don't care-i fucking hate the cunt. Yes, my marriage at the time was awful. I now know why, he was sniffing round that tramp! My poor dc2 was in intensive care and he was too busy to visit her....shagging that bint. His lovely mum was literally dying and he was again with that twat instead.

And the OW knew us all. She knew the situation. She came to my house, met my DC, met his family...

My exh is a fucking idiot. My lovely DCs worship him but now as they get older I can see this cracking as he treats them with the same as he once treated me. Like shit.

I can't decide if I want him to cheat on her, or vise versa. But I want it to end painfully. Preferably before anymore DC are involved. My wonderful 5 year old who will never remember her dad ever living with us has been begging me to ask her dad to live with us! She says she doesn't like having to leave us both.

What kind of a man does that to a child?! What kind of a mother does cunt left her own DC and husband ?

I discussed this with friends way before it happened to me. We all agreed that you'd have to be an absolute bitch to do it knowingly. I just don't get it? I could never? Too much of a conscience I guess?

That all sounds very raw. It's not anymore. My lovely youngest upset me with her request. I want to tell her the truth. But you just can't? I didn't want this for her.

 for you @user1471530109 That's fucking awful.

I was when I was 17, he was older, a PhD student.

I was a fucking idiot.

Never, for all the reasons mentioned.
I could never do that to another woman.
I respect myself too much and can do better than a lying cheat.
Im a kind honest and loyal person and I like being loved trusted and respected and being able to live with myself, my morals and decisions.
I also wonder about the ow, I understand his motivations completely but her I just do not get.
Why anybody would want to start a relationship on lies is a mystery to me. There's no way they can trust each other. She must be wondering when he will do the same to her.
I feel sorry for her, for having a relationship I would never want, and because she will know how I felt and I wouldn't wish that pain on anyone not even the ow.

No way.

I did know someone that was married & happy enough to stay but wasn’t sexually satisfied & she preferred her bits on the side to also be married. In her mind it was strictly sex & she didn’t want anything else, apparently it was easier that way.

No, I deserve more than being someone's bit on the side. I would never be in a relationship with a man who would do that to a currentpartner with me, regardless of the sob story, you'd never trust them because they'd likely do it to you later down the line. I want a partner who shares my morals and values a person who wanted me for an affair doesn't.

And the same to you would you

I too blame my knobhead exh of course. Someone in here once said that the reason you hate to OW more was because you hate them both equally. But because you started by loving him and being indifferent to her, the hate score means you now hate her more. I'm not explaining it v well but I always remember reading it and it making sense.

I'm much happier now. I'm v close to my DC and we've started our own fresh new lives. I could do with out sharing them and it gets lonely. But I wouldn't go back

*@MrsSnootyPants2018*Young and vulnerable more like

My early 20s self would and did, although without the bereavement. Now, no way. I understand male bullshit and don’t tolerate it.