Would you knowingly be the other woman?

[wouldyoubeherifyouknew]

Name changed.

I've been reading a lot of threads about affairs and thinking of my own situation and wondering this:

If you knew someone was married with young children and the family had recently been bereaved after a very traumatic year, would you KNOWINGLY get romantically involved with that person?

No, I know someone who did. The wife found out and they are now together with a child. Their relationship has no trust, they have that app on the phone that shows each other where they are (or where the phone is) at any given time.

When you marry the OW a new spot opens up for another OW

You know what, I've had a really shitty couple of days and a really shitty few years since he left but you have all made me feel so much better tonight by showing me that there are good people out there who don't shit on others and have respect for themselves and others. I'd really love to explain the full story but it's too outing and he's abusive so can't risk it. She knows he's abusive too as I had a restraining order against him because of it. Didn't stop her having kids with him or helping him continue to be abusive via social services and the court system. I pity her because one day she might be in the same position as me.

I've done it and wished I hadn't - but I know what it stems from.

It's about building your own self esteem by being better than the wife. You try to be the one person he will love more. You do everything he wants and try to be so different from the wife - because you want to be the chosen one.

Imagine the sense of importance in someone's life you will have if they leave their wife and kids to be with you. How special will that make you feel. How much must they love you?

Being the other woman is about proving yourself to be better and worthwhile and it never works. You get the exact opposite feeling.

I did when I was 17. I was manipulated into believing he loved me (even proposed) and emotional abused. It took me years to forgive myself despite knowing that I was young and vulnerable at the time.

Now as an adult with a family, I would never do this to someone.

No. It only leads to heartache. There is no happy ever afters for OW. Either he gets found out, ya get dumped. Or he starts a life with you and you never trust him. That’s if he doesn’t choose to stay with his wife or blame you for the loss of her when she kicks him out, then you can feel happy knowing he’s only with you until he wins his wife back.

Never ever would I knowingly be the OW. When I met DH, I was in a relationship with someone, but finished it before DH and I started seeing each other.

Did it when I was 17, what a silly cow I was

I had zero sense of the pain I could cause

No, I wouldn't, but looking back on two fairly major relationships in my past I think I was the OW and was lied to and cos o was gullible/ low self esteem I just went with it, but now I'm in a healthy relationship I can see it. Hindsight is great huh? Not trying to excuse my awful OW behaviour however, even if unknowing. If it helps I've also been the woman wronged by the OW on multiple occasions

Yup, I was the OW. Watched a dear friend marry someone he didn't want to because she was pregnant and spend ten years being miserable. At some point, I fell for him, we had a short affair, he left her. We've now been married almost ten years. It's not true to say that there is never a happy ending being for the OW.

I'm going to rephrase your post, OP:

"If you were married with young children and the family had recently been bereaved after a very traumatic year, would you KNOWINGLY have an affair with another woman?"

I think your anger is misdirected. Your husband is the person you should be blaming here. He was the one who broke his commitment to you and your family. If it is still something that you dwell on, I'd recommend trying to find a good psychotherapist to talk it through with. Mumsnet is great but no substitute for real space and attention from somebody who can give you a safe space to work through your feelings about what happened. I have the greatest of sympathy for you, I'm really sorry this happened to you.

@Petalflowers it does still hurt yes, but I didn't find out until he'd left and I'd already started the divorce process. Having realised how abusive he was in the marriage and how unhappy and scared I was, I am very glad he's no longer here. I feel sorry for her. What other people have said about insecurity rings very true as she doesn't seem to let him go anywhere on his own. Pretty sure she's got him tracked! You can't blame her for not trusting him though. Her 2 kids are now the same age as mine were when he waltzed off so she must wonder if he'll do the same to her. My kids frequently tell me they are always arguing so my eldest thinks they'll break up.

I've unknowingly been the other woman but only for a one night stand on holiday when I was 19. Found out the next day he was engaged (he was on a "lads holiday") and refused to talk to him after that. Problem is I'd already given him my number and he did not stop calling for months. Back in those hazy days of black and white non-smart brick phones you couldn't block numbers. I felt shit for ages.

Reading through this thread, 17 seems a very common age when married dh’s take advantage of 17 year olds.

My friend is in a similar situation. The ex had a nervous breakdown as a result of a family member death ... I think bereavement can make you think more different... sometimes bereavement can pull you closer or pull relationships apart. The ex had an affair and a year later left ... the ex isn't with the ow however it is thought that the ow have the ex the strength to leave?

No way!

No. Definitely not. No way I ever could be.

I know someone who was content to be though. She was in her 50s with grown up kids and absolutely should have known better! I don't know how things went as she was a colleague who now works elsewhere and we are occasional acquaintances now.

17! that seems unbelievable to me. You poor girls.

No

No...not even necessarily because I'd feel bad for his wife (though I would), but because I'd want to avoid a lot of drama/a shit storm. Also would hate to feel like a bit on the side...yuk.

It's totally a self esteem thing for the women who go there. I reckon they feel like they are winning a prize...like a sort of "look how great I am that a man whose already got a wife wants me"...which is bollocks obviously.

@shiklah 17 yes. I was besotted with the lifestyle he could provide. I was young and selfish.

@MsMotherOfDragons I do very much blame my husband and not the OW. I'm not plagued by it however. I've worked through it and found some peace with it and like I've said, the OW has my pity. I've just been maudlin this weekend for various reasons and after reading so many threads on affairs thought I'd ask the question I did. I wanted a women's views.

Absolutely not.

To be honest I don't think many OW would dare post on this thread! But I hope it gives you comfort to hear from women who wouldn't. Or who've been taken advantage of, and didn't mean to.

I wanted women's views that should say.

I was, a long time ago and I am not proud of it.

It destroyed a lot of lives including mine.