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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Walked out of DH'S work dinner

521 replies

rosesandflowers1 · 16/06/2018 20:47

I went to DH's work party. Was absolutely dreading it anyway but this just tops the cake. It's all on my other thread but the summary is that DH's work friends are mostly arses, and their wives don't like me. I wasn't happy to go but did on the conditions that DH would sit next to me, encourage a whole table discussion and I'd drive up alone so could leave when I wanted.

The most confrontational woman (let's call her Vera or something) and her DH were a bit late so it gave me some time to start making some small talk with some more indifferent wives/mums. We were chatting quite well before she arrived; once she did, the conversation shifted more to her, as it usually does, but she was more interested in compliments on each other's dresses etc. at the beginning. I said I liked the way she'd done her hair, she smiled at that, I thought it wouldn't be so bad, and as it went on for half an hour or so I could see DH was making an effort.

Anyway, the food got passed out and one of the women went to get something and her DH told her to get something else as that was too fatty. She looked vv embarrassed (as I would have been) but went for another option. I was Shock but didn't say anything.

One of the women said "oh, I'm not having any either, I'm on a diet" and that divulged a new line of discussion. One man joked he was going to put his wife on a diet, at which point Vera asked, sugar-sweet, "so are you [DH] going to put [rosesandflowers] on a diet?" Biscuit I daresay us getting along was too good to be true!

DH I'm sure was a bit shocked but just replied "implying what?" which made her squirm a little. At which point another woman followed up with "oh, he couldn't make her do anything." Not quite sure if she was shit stirring or just making a very valid comment that it would not be my DH's decision to put me on a diet Hmm But she's not super important to this really.

DH just smiled and said, "well, of course not" and tried to divert the conversation, but one of his friends who'd already had a bit too much to drink barely a quarter through the evening was determined to follow this up and asked me, "does he not tell you what to do then?"

I said, "no, not really" very blandly and then tried to move on, but he then remarked that that was surprising because of our bedroom activity and followed up with some very graphic details! Essentially DH is very into D/s and I'm happy to let him take on a more dominant role. I'm not happy for him to discuss this in detail - at his workplace! - with the sort of guy who'd blurt this out over dinner! Especially as he knows my views on them and that they're generally very disrespectful to me.

At the point at which the obviously drunk man clearly had no intention of stopping, I excused myself and walked out to go home. DH followed and I told him to stay at the brunch. Was fuming with him at the time and it is pretty important so.

He's still there and likely won't be home for quite some time. Am absolutely mortified and fuming, but honestly I'm feeling quite betrayed as well. I can't believe he'd divulge details like that Sad I'm not sure if I'm BU to be so pissed off and it's possible that it's just embarrassment that I'm taking out on him, but I feel like he's being absolutely irresponsible sharing details of our private life like this. Now I'm home I'm thinking leaving was over dramatic.

So I know what I'm going to say to DH when I come home; WIBU?

OP posts:
JingsMahBucket · 16/06/2018 21:38

You’re being emotionally abused. You’re making excuses for him. You’re codependent. Please LTB. Flowers

Queenoftheblitz · 16/06/2018 21:40

So there's your child involved inthis set up and he's tried to use her to get at you. I don't think you're telling the half of this relationship because you don't get it yourself.
I fear your BDSM games have spilled over into your real life and sadly part of you is turned on by it.

Sparklesocks · 16/06/2018 21:40

Sorry OP but a man who discusses his sex life and intimate details about his wife who others - and COLLEAGUES - of all people, doesn’t respect his wife. Not really.

I personally don’t think i could put up with that.

BaronessBlonde · 16/06/2018 21:41

@Weezol...... I agree

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall · 16/06/2018 21:42

Where would he sleep? grin

Who cares? He should have thought about that when he was sharing your sex life with the rest of the wankers in his office.

NotLeanButMean · 16/06/2018 21:43

You're minimising, OP. He sounds like a dick. What was the incident with your DD?

RunMummyRun68 · 16/06/2018 21:44

Maybe he will realise and apologise?

GertrudeCB · 16/06/2018 21:44

Are you a surrendered wife op? Because his behaviour is so controling and you seem unhappy yet unwilling to address it.

ILoveToLaugh · 16/06/2018 21:45

Seriously, OP, he's just caused you to be humiliated in the most grotesque way and you care where he sleeps! Please, please, please, please, please take more care of yourself and consider counselling.

Gazelda · 16/06/2018 21:45

OP, if he were a work colleague of yours, would you respect him? Would you want to get to know him better with the prospect of perhaps marriage?
He may have some lovable attributes, but honestly, they're not shining through your posts. I agree with other posters who suggest emotional abuse.

RabbitsAreTasty · 16/06/2018 21:46

What a cock.

Do you really get off on men treating you like that? Is that what's going on with all your grins on this thread? Are you getting off on us knowing you were publicly humiliated?

sparklepops123 · 16/06/2018 21:47

The more you say the more hideous they sound .do you not realise if you have so many threads about him he's really not that nice

Notevilstepmother · 16/06/2018 21:47

How dreadful.

I think you should tell him to find a new job at the very minimum.

LurkNoFurther · 16/06/2018 21:48

I wouldn't have walked out, I'm sure exactly that's what DHs colleague wanted you to do. I wouldn't have given him the satisfaction!!

I would have made a snarky comment back and then seethed silently til we got home. Now this will be what everyone is gossiping about and they are all now vested in your relationship Angry

HollowTalk · 16/06/2018 21:48

"Surrendered wife" just about sums it up.

The last 100 years might never have happened.

Oblomov18 · 16/06/2018 21:49

Jesus Christ. What a mess!

RabbitsAreTasty · 16/06/2018 21:49

He has that job because he fits in perfectly. He's not some random innocent who has accidentally found himself there. He is one of them. She's married to one of them.

Fruitcorner123 · 16/06/2018 21:49

I think this is definitely more of a make sure this doesn't happen again situation than leaving him completely

but this is essentially how you ended the last two threads. Are you going to accept every bad thing that he does as long as it isn't exactly the same as something he previously did? All of these are example a of ways in which he controls, manipulates and manages you.

Ellie56 · 16/06/2018 21:50

He sounds like a right twat OP and he doesn't respect you. You don't have to put up with this. PP are right - he is just like all the other twats he works with.

You deserve better.

Eatalot · 16/06/2018 21:50

Why is it that the higher up the pay scale you go basic social manners go down the toilet. Are you putting her on a diet. Wtaf? What a stupid cunt.

diddl · 16/06/2018 21:51

What example are you setting your daughter?

Would you want her to be laughing about it & grinning about where would he sleep?

Is he abusive/controlling to her also?

Inertia · 16/06/2018 21:51

I was thinking along the same lines as Weezol.

And in fact I'd take it further- he clearly enjoys humiliating you in public. I don't know whether he does this with your permission as part of your D/S relationship, but it seems more than plausible that he was keen for you to attend the event so that his workmates and their wives, who know all about the most private details of your sex life, could have the opportunity to mock and belittle you.

Of course leaving the event wasn't an over-reaction. What do you think an icy stare would have done, apart from giving them another opportunity to snigger at you?

He isn't going to change. You don't have free will in this relationship. I'm not sure whether you're deluded in thinking that you're an equal partner, or whether the way your relationship works means that you feel the need to hear strangers tell you how badly your husband is treating you. But if this isn't part of some submissive game, then your husband sounds like a cruel and manipulative man who cannot be trusted.

Notmorewashing · 16/06/2018 21:53

Sound like a bunch of sleazy rich bankers with no values who see women as accessories, money doesn’t buy class. He fits in very well with them he would be more uncomfortable with this company if he was a decent person.

WineAndTiramisu · 16/06/2018 21:53

I knew this would be a follow on from your last thread, I thought it may end badly. You need to have a serious think about what you want and stick to it, he's an arse.

RandomMess · 16/06/2018 21:54

He needs to massively grow up and step away from engaging in pathetic one upmanship - he his clearly insecure if he needs to engage in it.

I'd be beyond fuming tbh

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