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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Walked out of DH'S work dinner

521 replies

rosesandflowers1 · 16/06/2018 20:47

I went to DH's work party. Was absolutely dreading it anyway but this just tops the cake. It's all on my other thread but the summary is that DH's work friends are mostly arses, and their wives don't like me. I wasn't happy to go but did on the conditions that DH would sit next to me, encourage a whole table discussion and I'd drive up alone so could leave when I wanted.

The most confrontational woman (let's call her Vera or something) and her DH were a bit late so it gave me some time to start making some small talk with some more indifferent wives/mums. We were chatting quite well before she arrived; once she did, the conversation shifted more to her, as it usually does, but she was more interested in compliments on each other's dresses etc. at the beginning. I said I liked the way she'd done her hair, she smiled at that, I thought it wouldn't be so bad, and as it went on for half an hour or so I could see DH was making an effort.

Anyway, the food got passed out and one of the women went to get something and her DH told her to get something else as that was too fatty. She looked vv embarrassed (as I would have been) but went for another option. I was Shock but didn't say anything.

One of the women said "oh, I'm not having any either, I'm on a diet" and that divulged a new line of discussion. One man joked he was going to put his wife on a diet, at which point Vera asked, sugar-sweet, "so are you [DH] going to put [rosesandflowers] on a diet?" Biscuit I daresay us getting along was too good to be true!

DH I'm sure was a bit shocked but just replied "implying what?" which made her squirm a little. At which point another woman followed up with "oh, he couldn't make her do anything." Not quite sure if she was shit stirring or just making a very valid comment that it would not be my DH's decision to put me on a diet Hmm But she's not super important to this really.

DH just smiled and said, "well, of course not" and tried to divert the conversation, but one of his friends who'd already had a bit too much to drink barely a quarter through the evening was determined to follow this up and asked me, "does he not tell you what to do then?"

I said, "no, not really" very blandly and then tried to move on, but he then remarked that that was surprising because of our bedroom activity and followed up with some very graphic details! Essentially DH is very into D/s and I'm happy to let him take on a more dominant role. I'm not happy for him to discuss this in detail - at his workplace! - with the sort of guy who'd blurt this out over dinner! Especially as he knows my views on them and that they're generally very disrespectful to me.

At the point at which the obviously drunk man clearly had no intention of stopping, I excused myself and walked out to go home. DH followed and I told him to stay at the brunch. Was fuming with him at the time and it is pretty important so.

He's still there and likely won't be home for quite some time. Am absolutely mortified and fuming, but honestly I'm feeling quite betrayed as well. I can't believe he'd divulge details like that Sad I'm not sure if I'm BU to be so pissed off and it's possible that it's just embarrassment that I'm taking out on him, but I feel like he's being absolutely irresponsible sharing details of our private life like this. Now I'm home I'm thinking leaving was over dramatic.

So I know what I'm going to say to DH when I come home; WIBU?

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 16/06/2018 22:26

Give it a minute and OP will be back telling us we're all silly for suggesting this is a ltb situation and how he's not that bad.

Seriously, this man humiliates his wife, forces her to go to events she doesn't enjoy at all and is willing to compromise his child's health. Sounds like a keeper. Hmm

Queenoftheblitz · 16/06/2018 22:33

Probably why the wives hate op.
Their partners have told them op likes being strapped down and tortured.
Partners now demanding the wives do the same.
That's put pressure on them to be sub and they resent op for it.

The men are probably hoping for a "whip off" followed by some mad coke fuelled orgy.
That's whu op's dp was so keen for her to go to the brunch.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 16/06/2018 22:34

A boozy bitchy office do, pretty standard. Partner talks about sex life, who doesn't.

Not getting the scandal, why did you go? didn't you realise what happens at office do's? You need to just relax and let it go, that is how the world of work, works.

BristolGrrl · 16/06/2018 22:37

I'm convinced (and was on the previous post about her daughter) that OP is actually just trying out some new Fifty Shades of Grey fanfic on MN.

gamerwidow · 16/06/2018 22:40

I think it's fairly clear from both of your threads that your husbands an arse. You seem to keep making excuses for him and blaming his work colleagues but he sounds like them and fits in with them because he is like them.
He has chosen twice to put his relationship with these people ahead of your feelings. That's without even going into his manipulative behaviour or treatment of your daughter. You must know deep down that he is not a good man.

SalemBlackCat · 16/06/2018 22:45

Where would you husband sleep? Who gives a fuck? In his car. In the gutter. Where he belongs. Seriously, the others are right. How you can put up with such an emotional abuser, well your self-esteem must really be so incredibly low as is your self-respect. Manipulating, controlling,emotional/verbal abuse - did you not know that that is called domestic violence as well? Domestic violence does not only have to be physical. You are being abused. You need counselling for yourself to build yourself up so you can leave him. Truly, why are you staying with him? He's a maggot.

Fruitcorner123 · 16/06/2018 22:47

Walkingdeadfangirl
that is how the world of work, works

No it isn't Hmm

why did you go?

she went becuse her DH manipulated her and made her go.

TornFromTheInside · 16/06/2018 22:49

Awful way to behave.

Before he attempts to control YOU in a bedroom (which is fine between consenting adults), he really ought to learn to control himself in public.

He is blessed with a lady who trusts him enough to submit, and this is how he repays you?
He's been an idiot, and the fact that he's stayed rather than realise the horrific mistake he's made is just staggering.

I applaud that you were strong enough to walk out. Pity he wasn't.

Rednailsandnaeknickers · 16/06/2018 23:00

beginning to wonder if this is part of your sub/dom dynamic. You post unpleasant details about your DH’s treatment of you and then seem to take masochistic pleasure from posters’ shock, happily repeating that you have no intention of ending the relationship. I’m not sure what else you can be getting out of these threads.

^^Just what I was thinking. Some kind of sick game? Grinning while detailing ridiculous behaviour and emotional abuse with no intention of taking meaningful action. One of the most unhealthy relationships I've read about on here, ever. OP you need to take on board what people are trying to tell you. Your husband is an utter cockwomble.

Miladamermalada · 16/06/2018 23:01

His behaviour was disgusting. I'd have been horrified.

crispysausagerolls · 16/06/2018 23:11

I was one of the people who advised you to go to this event to support DH - how wrong was I! What an absolute shit, how dare he discuss your sex life at work? And how dare he let his colleague discuss it in public.

coconutpie · 16/06/2018 23:15

LTB

Whatshallidonowpeople · 16/06/2018 23:15

You were obviously determine to Have a bad time before you went. When you go to a husband or partner's work do you should behave like an adult

TornFromTheInside · 16/06/2018 23:17

Being dominant is as much about self-restraint as it is about trying to control someone else.

You're not a trophy. You're not a bragging right. You're not a doormat or a possession. He needs to be showing his balls to colleagues, not having them massaged by your submission.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 16/06/2018 23:19

Brunch at 9pm??

YouTheCat · 16/06/2018 23:20

Whatshall? Wtf?

AynRandTheObjectivist · 16/06/2018 23:22

D/s is about trust and the sub should always be safe and cared for. Breaking the confidence like that, to a bunch of utter arseholes no less, means you cannot trust him and you are not safe and cared for.

He's not a Dom, he's a prick. Sadly it does sometimes take a while to be able to tell the difference, but once they've made it clear, that's it.

TheBigFatMermaid · 16/06/2018 23:35

I’m beginning to wonder if this is part of your sub/dom dynamic. You post unpleasant details about your DH’s treatment of you and then seem to take masochistic pleasure from posters’ shock, happily repeating that you have no intention of ending the relationship. I’m not sure what else you can be getting out of these threads.

This! Absolutely this!!

You say also he is trying to manipulate you, there is a lot wrong with your marriage.

Even if he had just go carried away and 'accidentally reported details of your sex life, he should not be ok with a drunken 'friend' divulging that in front of everyone!

Anyway, I bet he will come home, he will talk about how he showed you who is boss and you will have amazing sex.

Not really on to involve us in it though. I get why us all saying how hard done by you are would fit, but you are making choices lady!

Walkingdeadfangirl · 16/06/2018 23:45

I have been thinking, its not ok fro your DH to mention his sex life to his work colleagues but its ok for you to talk about it to millions of people online Confused ?

Fruitcorner123 · 16/06/2018 23:47

Walkingdeadfangirl but this is anonymous. We are not going to be at a dinner with her DH and embarrass him by mentioning details of their sex life.

YouTheCat · 16/06/2018 23:49

He won't come home and say how he showed the OP who is boss. He'll come home and turn this around to be about how she humiliated him by walking out.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 17/06/2018 00:05

Fruitcorner123, so its ok to have thousands of people anonymously talking about your sex life, but not ok to have confined in an actual real life person at work?

I am not so sure which is worse.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 17/06/2018 00:06

confided not confined.

metrorider · 17/06/2018 00:10

@walkingdeadfangirl: A boozy bitchy office do, pretty standard. Partner talks about sex life, who doesn't.
that is how the world of work, works

I have never, in all my working life, worked somewhere where anyone discussed that kind of private details with colleagues. From factory floors and cleaning toilets up to change approval boards and management meetings, I have never come across someone who spoke of their bedroom activities at work. I would be horrified if anyone did.

If your workplace is like this, it's toxic. I suggest you find a job somewhere better.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 17/06/2018 00:14

metrorider, guess I will leave my job then, let all the men do the important stuff and look to get into flower arranging.