Walked out of DH'S work dinner

[rosesandflowers1]

I went to DH's work party. Was absolutely dreading it anyway but this just tops the cake. It's all on my other thread but the summary is that DH's work friends are mostly arses, and their wives don't like me. I wasn't happy to go but did on the conditions that DH would sit next to me, encourage a whole table discussion and I'd drive up alone so could leave when I wanted.

The most confrontational woman (let's call her Vera or something) and her DH were a bit late so it gave me some time to start making some small talk with some more indifferent wives/mums. We were chatting quite well before she arrived; once she did, the conversation shifted more to her, as it usually does, but she was more interested in compliments on each other's dresses etc. at the beginning. I said I liked the way she'd done her hair, she smiled at that, I thought it wouldn't be so bad, and as it went on for half an hour or so I could see DH was making an effort.

Anyway, the food got passed out and one of the women went to get something and her DH told her to get something else as that was too fatty. She looked vv embarrassed (as I would have been) but went for another option. I was but didn't say anything.

One of the women said "oh, I'm not having any either, I'm on a diet" and that divulged a new line of discussion. One man joked he was going to put his wife on a diet, at which point Vera asked, sugar-sweet, "so are you [DH] going to put [rosesandflowers] on a diet?" I daresay us getting along was too good to be true!

DH I'm sure was a bit shocked but just replied "implying what?" which made her squirm a little. At which point another woman followed up with "oh, he couldn't make her do anything." Not quite sure if she was shit stirring or just making a very valid comment that it would not be my DH's decision to put me on a diet But she's not super important to this really.

DH just smiled and said, "well, of course not" and tried to divert the conversation, but one of his friends who'd already had a bit too much to drink barely a quarter through the evening was determined to follow this up and asked me, "does he not tell you what to do then?"

I said, "no, not really" very blandly and then tried to move on, but he then remarked that that was surprising because of our bedroom activity and followed up with some very graphic details! Essentially DH is very into D/s and I'm happy to let him take on a more dominant role. I'm not happy for him to discuss this in detail - at his workplace! - with the sort of guy who'd blurt this out over dinner! Especially as he knows my views on them and that they're generally very disrespectful to me.

At the point at which the obviously drunk man clearly had no intention of stopping, I excused myself and walked out to go home. DH followed and I told him to stay at the brunch. Was fuming with him at the time and it is pretty important so.

He's still there and likely won't be home for quite some time. Am absolutely mortified and fuming, but honestly I'm feeling quite betrayed as well. I can't believe he'd divulge details like that I'm not sure if I'm BU to be so pissed off and it's possible that it's just embarrassment that I'm taking out on him, but I feel like he's being absolutely irresponsible sharing details of our private life like this. Now I'm home I'm thinking leaving was over dramatic.

So I know what I'm going to say to DH when I come home; WIBU?

Why?

Well for one it makes for easier and more constructive discussion, doesn't it? And nobody really would prefer discussion with a sweaty grumpy tired person than a clean one whose had enough sleep, do they?

No, he doesn't. Because he's not. The very fact that you have to tell us this means you know he's not.

I meant more in the sense that you aren't there when DH is being lovely and thoughtful and kind etc. I don't need advice then. You only hear about him when he's behaved poorly!

As you said, he has issues with control. And you are going along with it, probably because it’s much easier.

Again, I did mean sex-wise.

But yes, he's got issues with control. No, I don't think going on a mad chaotic rampage will be the best way to help him deal with it.

The timetable only just occurred to me. Obviously his work hours are somewhat structured but he does live in a sort of routine. It might help him to shake this up a bit.

Your speech patterns and the words you use don’t sound British .

Oh. Really?

I'm often told it's the opposite.

Maybe it's the way I type. People often talk differently online than they do in real life.

No, I don't think going on a mad chaotic rampage will be the best way to help him deal with it

I think that's what I mean when I said your words appear emotionless. Some of his behaviour is (almost) unforgiveable, certainty most would get angry or upset. Not a chaotic rampage as such, but a raised voice, slam of a door, perhaps tears. There is no right or wrong way to respond of course, we are all different. But your words are carefully thought about, accurate, inciteful, waiting for the correct time and place to have your say. Listening, analysing, pondering on his replies and so on. I admire your self control. But again, your words read like an A Level Literature Essay "Describe and Discuss"....not like a wife talking to her husband in such circumstances. So having said all that, do you think he might realise how wrong he was if you did let go and showed him by your actions (and I don't mean throwing a plate at his head) how awful this all is for you. Maybe in some ways your carefully thought our responses and ability to have such amazing self control in discussions is actually working against you here. Just a thought.

Like I said a gazillion pages ago....OP isn't really interested in an honest discussion about why she puts up with a DH like this. It's one excuse after another. I particularly enjoyed the random stats on how lots of men brag to colleagues about their sex life with their long term partners. They really don't. Not decent men anyway. But it somehow gave comfort to the OP as opposed to her focussing on the utter disrespect for her her DH demonstrated and continues to demonstrate. As I said. Fucked up.

Oh dear. I dont think anyone will take you seriously if you post again OP.

@helforddreams
I think someone mentioned to me on one of my other threads that DH and I doing things so calmly and rationally all the time might be a disadvantage at some point. Now I've read this I see why.

I've never been particularly emotional and honestly my upbringing didn't help with that at all. Like I said I don't really like to make a scene so slamming doors etc. is not my thing. But even with more mundane reactions, I tend to bottle up my emotions then have meltdowns rather than process them at the time. Like last night, I was fine until about half an hour after I posted and then I started crying.

I do prefer to conduct myself with self control. I think scenes would get me more immediate results, but self discipline gets me respect that helps me on a much more long term basis.

However ... I see what you mean. I tried talking to DH flatly about this dinner before it all started and he thought I was being silly.

After my much more emotional response to the events of the brunch he was definitely more sympathetic. Perhaps not letting him see how affected I am emotionally is contributing to him not really registering how I'm feeling.

Thanks very much for the thought. I'll think about it.

I think giving each other 'direct orders' in a marriage is very odd. I don't think you should be giving him direct orders about his career anymore than he should be giving you direct orders about yours.

You should discuss things as grown adults and choose a path that works well for you as a family. If one of you is unhappy (as now), then the other should want to find a way to help. You might suggest that he change jobs, but equally there might be other options that he can think of that would work better. The important part would be that he takes you seriously and you both try to find a solution that you're both happy with. No ordering required!

OP isn't really interested in an honest discussion about why she puts up with a DH like this. It's one excuse after another.

By "put up with" do you mean "don't leave"?

In that case, it's very simple. I love him and aren't going to divorce him over issues we can work through together.

I haven't once excused his behaviour. It was irresponsible at best. But I don't think it warrants the extremities some people were suggesting.

I particularly enjoyed the random stats on how lots of men brag to colleagues about their sex life with their long term partners. They really don't. Not decent men anyway. But it somehow gave comfort to the OP as opposed to her focussing on the utter disrespect for her her DH demonstrated and continues to demonstrate. As I said. Fucked up.

It was more about people discussing their sex life in general. Not with colleagues, but I think within friendships people usually share details. IME anyway - which was why the stats were relieving as it was beginning to sound like I'd lived my whole life with sex-obsessed weirdos with no filter!

It wasn't most men anyway. About half, but on the lower side. According to the stats most women discussed their sex life.

I think giving each other 'direct orders' in a marriage is very odd. I don't think you should be giving him direct orders about his career anymore than he should be giving you direct orders about yours.

It wasn't like I said "choose between a new job and a new wife" like someone said on here But I think I was being assertive and stated my opinion much more bluntly than I have been doing recently.

He said it in a jokey way. I don't think he'd have responded well to a literal direct order.

You should discuss things as grown adults and choose a path that works well for you as a family. If one of you is unhappy (as now), then the other should want to find a way to help. You might suggest that he change jobs, but equally there might be other options that he can think of that would work better.

We're going to go up and have a look soon.

Some posters thought I was being too melodramatic having him choose a new job. I'll keep it as an option at the back of my mind but honestly I think a move will be good for him. I also think he likes the idea.

Regardless of what happens I don't think I'm ever going to a bloody brunch again.

I've just been off to read some of the OP's other threads. Sadly I think she's getting a kick out of the replies and reactions. If your DD is real OP my heart goes out to her.

It’s interesting to see that in your world either you are utter calm and then can command respect or be emotional and go on a rampage which will be destructive.

Being utter calm will not command respect. Demanding that others respect your boundaries will.
And atm you are, in own words, unable to do it. Just see your DH just thought you were being silly when you raised calmly a concern you had.
Being assertive also demand to be able to actually express how you feel and how xx makes you feel/is hurtful etc.... Being able to express your emotions doesn’t mean destroying everything.

Why do you keep saying it was "irresponsible" to discuss your private sexual relationship with his boorish work colleagues? It was deeply disrespectful and a serious abuse of trust. But you can't admit that can you ? You can't admit it because it speaks volumes about what he really thinks of you and your emotional well-being.

He isn't interested in "working it through" . You've said more than once he's called your concerns "silly" .

Anyway I'm out.

If your DD is real OP my heart goes out to her.

Thank you for the message about my DD.

Not so many thanks about the questioning of her existence, though.

Why is this thread so addictive?

*It’s interesting
Being utter calm will not command respect. Demanding that others respect your boundaries will.

I'm starting to see I've maybe been a bit of a wet lettuce recently But I think I have (with the help of Mumsnet) been able to put myself across more assertively here.

Why do you keep saying it was "irresponsible" to discuss your private sexual relationship with his boorish work colleagues?

I said it was irresponsible at best. As in, if you look at it from the best possible angle, it was irresponsible.

That implies there is a worst. Like "disrespectful" or "a serious abuse of trust."

Why is this thread so addictive?
I thought you were beginning to find it dull

Tangled59

Because it’s just a mass web of bullshit and nothingness 😂

It’s getting weird now.

Have you literally been on this thread all day?

Tell him that his discussion of your sex life with his work mates has put you off sex for now but you might reconsider in a few months time.

Have you literally been on this thread all day?

I daresay a fair portion of it. I was freaking out and have had a barrage of insults response.

But I'm going upstairs with DH now anyway. Thanks again for advice/support.

You only hear about him when he's behaved poorly!

Ffs. You shouldn't give him brownie points for not acting like an abusive shit. You are SUPPOSED to respect your wife, marriage and sexual confidence! It's like me asking for a medal because I feed and change my toddler.

And now he has acted like an utter shit. Completely against the tenets of D/s and even vanilla sex, in the sense that you ought to be able to trust your partner to keep your intimacy in confidence.

He's untrustworthy, not a Dom and actually pretty weak as a person if he can't maintain his principles when he's around these scores.

Well I’ve had to be in the house today with a new puppy.

OPs bizarro world has kept me occupied.

Have a good time upstairs OP. googling for those very high level jobs that always advertise on the internet.. you know, not through specialist, retained head hunters or anything 😂😂😂

🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪

For somebody who has a massivly controlling husband you seem t9 have spent an inordinate ammount of time on here. Has he not asked you, once , what the hell you are doing on your phone/iPad all day??

For somebody who professes to be so Utterlty British it gets commented on you come across as very in British.

The brunch thing does not sit right with me. The general consensus on here - and I think we can agree, rest of the world apart, - the posters will be spread all over the UK is that they have never heard of it. Never, ever have I ever heard anybody being sent an invitation by post to an evening brunch. There simply isn’t such a thing. It’s like being invited to a 7pm breakfast. It doesn’t happen. It seems that this ‘brunch’ happened in an establishment rather than a private home- does anybody on here know of anywhere that serves a ‘brunch’ on a Saturday night? Anybody?.............oh, and a poached egg, sausage and bean free brunch at that.

For a really controlling man I find it incredibly odd that your H let’s his children choose where to go to school!! Marlborough or the local comp son?? Greshams or the grammar down the road? Your privately educated, high roller husband would surely know the value of having a decent public school on a CV. The school tie/old boys network is still very much a thing in the UK- especially if you want to get into a high end career. So, although he knows this as he works with some Old Etonians he decided to let his son go to the grammar down the road..............hmmmm , yes. Of course , everybody lets their 11 yr old - or 13 if he went to prep school- son choose which school to go to. Gosh, with all of the money your H must be saving I would be horribly offended if my underwear came from Anne Summers - urrghh, crinkly and scratchy.

Obviously it’s a well known fact that high powered businessmen often wander around their local shopping center at lunch time talking about their sex lives and popping into Anne summers. Most businessmen I know are either too flat out busy to take a lunch time wander round the shops or they lunch somewhere Naice - claridges or the savoy maybe?

You had me on the first thread. Even the second with its plethora of errors didn’t ring too many bells. But when you dropped the S/D sex bomb I’m afraid I started to have my doubts.
But, for the purpose of being fair, if I am wrong and you and everything you have said is real then im sorry.
Actually, that sentence wasn’t complete.....I’m sorry for you. You let your husband get away with treating you - and letting his work colleagues and their wives- like shit. What a brilliant example you set for your children. You are an out of date step ford wife. I just hope you wake up one day and realise what an utter twat your H is and that you are just as bad for indulging him. No wonder women are still having to fight like crazy for equality when women like you work against us and hold us back.

op, I will be AMAZED if he actually ends up moving job. He'll be willing enough to look at opportunities, and you'll be keen, and there'll be something wrong with all of them, and he'll argue the current one is best but he'll keep a look out, and you'll reluctantly agree..... and nothing will change, at all.

DH is this type....

Pls let us know where the website is with all these fab jobs !!!???