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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Walked out of DH'S work dinner

521 replies

rosesandflowers1 · 16/06/2018 20:47

I went to DH's work party. Was absolutely dreading it anyway but this just tops the cake. It's all on my other thread but the summary is that DH's work friends are mostly arses, and their wives don't like me. I wasn't happy to go but did on the conditions that DH would sit next to me, encourage a whole table discussion and I'd drive up alone so could leave when I wanted.

The most confrontational woman (let's call her Vera or something) and her DH were a bit late so it gave me some time to start making some small talk with some more indifferent wives/mums. We were chatting quite well before she arrived; once she did, the conversation shifted more to her, as it usually does, but she was more interested in compliments on each other's dresses etc. at the beginning. I said I liked the way she'd done her hair, she smiled at that, I thought it wouldn't be so bad, and as it went on for half an hour or so I could see DH was making an effort.

Anyway, the food got passed out and one of the women went to get something and her DH told her to get something else as that was too fatty. She looked vv embarrassed (as I would have been) but went for another option. I was Shock but didn't say anything.

One of the women said "oh, I'm not having any either, I'm on a diet" and that divulged a new line of discussion. One man joked he was going to put his wife on a diet, at which point Vera asked, sugar-sweet, "so are you [DH] going to put [rosesandflowers] on a diet?" Biscuit I daresay us getting along was too good to be true!

DH I'm sure was a bit shocked but just replied "implying what?" which made her squirm a little. At which point another woman followed up with "oh, he couldn't make her do anything." Not quite sure if she was shit stirring or just making a very valid comment that it would not be my DH's decision to put me on a diet Hmm But she's not super important to this really.

DH just smiled and said, "well, of course not" and tried to divert the conversation, but one of his friends who'd already had a bit too much to drink barely a quarter through the evening was determined to follow this up and asked me, "does he not tell you what to do then?"

I said, "no, not really" very blandly and then tried to move on, but he then remarked that that was surprising because of our bedroom activity and followed up with some very graphic details! Essentially DH is very into D/s and I'm happy to let him take on a more dominant role. I'm not happy for him to discuss this in detail - at his workplace! - with the sort of guy who'd blurt this out over dinner! Especially as he knows my views on them and that they're generally very disrespectful to me.

At the point at which the obviously drunk man clearly had no intention of stopping, I excused myself and walked out to go home. DH followed and I told him to stay at the brunch. Was fuming with him at the time and it is pretty important so.

He's still there and likely won't be home for quite some time. Am absolutely mortified and fuming, but honestly I'm feeling quite betrayed as well. I can't believe he'd divulge details like that Sad I'm not sure if I'm BU to be so pissed off and it's possible that it's just embarrassment that I'm taking out on him, but I feel like he's being absolutely irresponsible sharing details of our private life like this. Now I'm home I'm thinking leaving was over dramatic.

So I know what I'm going to say to DH when I come home; WIBU?

OP posts:
rosesandflowers1 · 16/06/2018 21:19

Did your DH even apologize when he followed you out?

He did say he was sorry. I was fuming though so not really very impressed.

The only defense of your dh is that he shared your sex life when he was drunk.

No, his friend was drunk.

From what I've gathered I have no reason to believe DH wasn't sober when he shared this, and he possibly did so on multiple occasions.

OP posts:
BrownTurkey · 16/06/2018 21:19

Well, it makes sense of why the other woman/women rib you about dominance in your relationship/wearing the trousers - your husband has engaged in locker room talk and it has been shared with spouses. All of which has piqued their curiosity about your relationship.

Firstnameterms · 16/06/2018 21:20

I’m not sure I would leave my husband for an incident like this in isolation. Does he have form for this then? Any other issues with your marriage? I can’t imagine my dh ever discussing our sex life. Even with his best friend. He just wouldn’t, he respects me. Does yours usually respect you?? You say that you were angry, with every right, but your responses since have seemed like you are now talking yourself down and downplaying it. That is a bit worrying to be honest. What a horrible night you have had Flowers

RubyWho · 16/06/2018 21:24
  1. Are these people from the 1700s? Is your DH Doc Brown or similar and had, in actual fact, taken you to Brunch, in the past?

  2. I would also have walked out

  3. Don’t even need to point out the WTF factor re discussing your sex life. With anyone.

sparklepops123 · 16/06/2018 21:24

I couldn’t associate myself with any of them they sound hideous. The fact he’s discussed your sex life is disgusting.sounds like you could do a helluva lot better than all of them especially your husband

supersop60 · 16/06/2018 21:24

Until you get a full apology, there won't be any 'activity' for him to discuss at work, will there?

Fruitcorner123 · 16/06/2018 21:24

firstnameterms read the previous thread. Sadly the OP spent it defending her DH and downplaying his behaviour. It looks like this thread is going to go the same way

rosesandflowers1 · 16/06/2018 21:25

Tell him you're thinking through your options, and anyway you know that the co-worker arseholes will be asking your DH about it and frankly you don't want to talk about anything personal until you are confident of privacy.

This is odd because he doesn't discuss much of our relationship with them I think.

From what I understood from the drunk man's speech they'd all engaged in discussions about sex with their wives. I think there was a weird degree of oneupmanship there that I find strange in men at their age, but they do it a lot. They're all weirdly competitive.

I can't imagine every wife sitting there completely happy either!

OP posts:
Weezol · 16/06/2018 21:27

I am going to be blunt - please know this is not an attack and comes from a place of wanting you to know you have agency in your life and that his behaviour is totally unacceptable. It comes from a place of experience of an emotionally abusive relationship.

I remember your thread about his being horrible to your daughter, the awful things he said to you at the meet up on neutral ground as well as the thread about you dreading this event and agreeing to go to it even though you didn't want to in order to placate him. There is a pattern to his behaviour.

It appears you are incredibly submissive to him in every aspect of your life. You seek to please, appease and facilitate his atrocious attitude to keep the peace. You walk on eggshells, he will only talk about problems when he's ready ('after I've had a shower' IIRC) and openly admits to being controlling. He says he'll try, and you are wanting to help him with this - but nothing changes, because he pats you back in to place until next time.

He isn't going to change. Why would he? He knows he can treat you badly and you'll take it, every single time time as long he lets you have a little fuss and a shout and give the appearance of listening to you.

This is an emotionally abusive relationship. Abuse is not just physical. I used to wish my ex would hit me and then at least I'd have some evidence to show the police.

You don't have to live like this. You have choices. Please don't be bought off with expensive gifts again. You deserve so much more out of life.

rosesandflowers1 · 16/06/2018 21:28

Does he have form for this then? Any other issues with your marriage?

Recently he's been trying to manipulate me Hmm But I don't appreciate this and have made that clear and don't think it's worth losing all the things I love about him over. I'd rather work through that.

I think this is definitely more of a make sure this doesn't happen again situation than leaving him completely.

OP posts:
NordicNobody · 16/06/2018 21:28

I'd have walked out as well, probably after a saying a few extremely rude things to the lot of them. And I'd be telling my husband that either he left the job or I'd leave him. Seriously.

SweetieBaby · 16/06/2018 21:29

I think my response would have been completely belittling to DH performance in the bedroom - along the lines of aah, he does let his imagination run riot. All he can do really given his lack of prowess in that dept.

Queenoftheblitz · 16/06/2018 21:29

Op, it's very possible that your dp is keen to socialise with these wankers because he's a bit of a wanker himself.
You just refuse to see it.

SandyY2K · 16/06/2018 21:29

I wouldn't be impressed that he'd shared such detail with colleagues tbh.

diddl · 16/06/2018 21:29

"They're all weirdly competitive"

More like all utterly disgusting.

GlitteryFluff · 16/06/2018 21:31

Manipulating you in what way?

rosesandflowers1 · 16/06/2018 21:32

More like all utterly disgusting.

In this example maybe, but they are a very competitive group.

Whenever they go play golf they're all weirdly competitive about it. Which I get, that's a sport, even if I'm not particularly inclined to athletic pursuits. They compare gifts they've bought for family/friends, cars, etc. I think such a friendship would be exhausting but he appears to like it.

OP posts:
Halebeke425 · 16/06/2018 21:33

Wow where was this 'brunch' the 1960's?Sounded oddly like a scene from Mad Men!

Sounds pretty shit op, sharing sex life details is totally out of order. You have every right to be upset.

BMW6 · 16/06/2018 21:33

Oh I'd be telling him to not come home frankly. You need to do some serious thinking. It is NOT OK for him to discuss your sex life in detail with work colleagues.

rosesandflowers1 · 16/06/2018 21:34

Manipulating you in what way?

There was an incident with DD in which he was being an ass. At which point he tried to turn it round on me. I might try and find the thread.

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 16/06/2018 21:35

His betrayal of your privacy by discussing your sex-life with outsiders is just another expression of his dominance. Who would do such a thing to someone they loved and respected? This “man” does neither

Ladymadness · 16/06/2018 21:35

Its a big fat NO from me!!
Your H is a complete prick and so are his friends Angry i would bin the lot of them who needs enemies with a H like that Angry

Phuquocdreams · 16/06/2018 21:35

I’m sorry, but no man who respects and loves his wife would ever dream of discussing their sex-life with his colleagues. That is so far out of line. I haven’t read any of your other threads but seriously, this man is an arse.

rosesandflowers1 · 16/06/2018 21:36

Shock at everyone suggesting this sort of thing:

I'd be telling him to not come home frankly.

Where would he sleep? Grin

OP posts:
JamPasty · 16/06/2018 21:38

Where would he sleep

He can get a hotel room

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