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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Walked out of DH'S work dinner

521 replies

rosesandflowers1 · 16/06/2018 20:47

I went to DH's work party. Was absolutely dreading it anyway but this just tops the cake. It's all on my other thread but the summary is that DH's work friends are mostly arses, and their wives don't like me. I wasn't happy to go but did on the conditions that DH would sit next to me, encourage a whole table discussion and I'd drive up alone so could leave when I wanted.

The most confrontational woman (let's call her Vera or something) and her DH were a bit late so it gave me some time to start making some small talk with some more indifferent wives/mums. We were chatting quite well before she arrived; once she did, the conversation shifted more to her, as it usually does, but she was more interested in compliments on each other's dresses etc. at the beginning. I said I liked the way she'd done her hair, she smiled at that, I thought it wouldn't be so bad, and as it went on for half an hour or so I could see DH was making an effort.

Anyway, the food got passed out and one of the women went to get something and her DH told her to get something else as that was too fatty. She looked vv embarrassed (as I would have been) but went for another option. I was Shock but didn't say anything.

One of the women said "oh, I'm not having any either, I'm on a diet" and that divulged a new line of discussion. One man joked he was going to put his wife on a diet, at which point Vera asked, sugar-sweet, "so are you [DH] going to put [rosesandflowers] on a diet?" Biscuit I daresay us getting along was too good to be true!

DH I'm sure was a bit shocked but just replied "implying what?" which made her squirm a little. At which point another woman followed up with "oh, he couldn't make her do anything." Not quite sure if she was shit stirring or just making a very valid comment that it would not be my DH's decision to put me on a diet Hmm But she's not super important to this really.

DH just smiled and said, "well, of course not" and tried to divert the conversation, but one of his friends who'd already had a bit too much to drink barely a quarter through the evening was determined to follow this up and asked me, "does he not tell you what to do then?"

I said, "no, not really" very blandly and then tried to move on, but he then remarked that that was surprising because of our bedroom activity and followed up with some very graphic details! Essentially DH is very into D/s and I'm happy to let him take on a more dominant role. I'm not happy for him to discuss this in detail - at his workplace! - with the sort of guy who'd blurt this out over dinner! Especially as he knows my views on them and that they're generally very disrespectful to me.

At the point at which the obviously drunk man clearly had no intention of stopping, I excused myself and walked out to go home. DH followed and I told him to stay at the brunch. Was fuming with him at the time and it is pretty important so.

He's still there and likely won't be home for quite some time. Am absolutely mortified and fuming, but honestly I'm feeling quite betrayed as well. I can't believe he'd divulge details like that Sad I'm not sure if I'm BU to be so pissed off and it's possible that it's just embarrassment that I'm taking out on him, but I feel like he's being absolutely irresponsible sharing details of our private life like this. Now I'm home I'm thinking leaving was over dramatic.

So I know what I'm going to say to DH when I come home; WIBU?

OP posts:
SimonBridges · 17/06/2018 19:28

Also, given that I’m guessing he works in finance or some such thing whatever new job he gets is going to be populated by the same Bullingdon Club bellends as this one.

rosesandflowers1 · 17/06/2018 19:30

Unless he intrinsically changes his attitude I don't think a new job will be the panacea you think it will be.

I know he can be an arse, but I do think being surrounded by so much similar behaviour didn't help at all.

Similarly the wanting to impress thing is very strange for DH. Usually quite confident in his own self. I think at the beginning he quite liked the competition but as it grew more competitive and his life seemed less in control it became more of a burden.

I'm still thinking about possible counselling to help him with coping.

OP posts:
sunshinewithabitofdrizzle · 17/06/2018 19:34

a direct order?????

It's not the bloody army, normal people don't give eachother orders, they make requests.

XiCi · 17/06/2018 19:34

You're making your DH leave a good job, well paid with flexibility for the family just because some of his colleagues are dickheads? Absolutely ridiculous. If you don't like them then just don't socialise with them.
As for the oversharing. If a middle aged man at work (or anyone actually) started banging on about bdsm and how he shags his wife I'd tell him to shut the fuck up. No one wants to hear that. Discussing sex confidentially with close friends is very different to bragging in work. In my experience people who brag about their sex lives are usually the ones with very very little to brag about in reality.

bbcessex · 17/06/2018 19:37

OP - I thought you had a Fathers Day dinner all planned for tonight?

Why are you still posting on MumsNet?

Wenospeak · 17/06/2018 19:38

Where are your children today?

rosesandflowers1 · 17/06/2018 19:39

You're making your DH leave a good job, well paid with flexibility for the family just because some of his colleagues are dickheads? Absolutely ridiculous. If you don't like them then just don't socialise with them.

It's not the bloody army, normal people don't give eachother orders, they make requests.

Was I being too forceful? Confused

Good God, I can't win, can I? WIBU to do this?

He's agreed to look with me so he can't be too opposed... but at the same time I do feel a bit strange about just telling him to find a new one like this. It would make me feel better but I daresay I'll start to miss him too, as will the DC. Pay won't be an issue, I imagine most of the positions he'll be looking at will be high paying, but like I said the timetable is a big thing.

Maybe I could scale it back a little. We still look because honestly I do think he wants to and he could get a very nice job somewhere but still consider his current workplace as an option. It's not like I made him write his letter of resignation...

Oh God, now I'm more stressed than ever.

OP posts:
Mumblechum0 · 17/06/2018 19:43

Don't wobble, OP, he does need to get a different job and mix with some normal people.

My DS is also in finance, I chatted to him about your thread today and he said he's never come across such total misogyny/general weirdness you describe at any of the Tier 1 investments banks he's worked at.

Your DH will need to be careful what he says in his new role if he doesn't want everyone to think he's a prick.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 17/06/2018 19:43

Was I being too forceful?

I don't think you've been anywhere near forceful enough, given what he's been doing.

bbcessex · 17/06/2018 19:44

OP

I mean this genuinely in a kind way... are you well? None of your timings add up.. at first it seemed you were posting for attention, but now I think you may actually be delusional. You’ve spent literally all day talking nonsense on an Internet forum.

Please take care and maybe go and speak to someone in real life.

Casmama · 17/06/2018 19:57

I would be very surprised if this was a one off conversation. He randomly decided to go into Ann Summers when he was with a colleague, spilled the beans on your sexlife, colleague says he wants to get his wife into bdsm too then they part ways and never discuss again till it is blurted out over brunch? Nah don’t buy it.

Sorry OP, I think you’ve had a hard time on this thread but if I was you I would be wanting to know a lot more about what discussions were had before making any judgements.

Quartz2208 · 17/06/2018 20:05

Changing jobs isnt going to change him - and after all that is the issue

I think you have allowed a more insidious balance to creep into your relationship bringing his more unpleasant characteristics to the fore (with your DD illness being the catalyst)

rosesandflowers1 · 17/06/2018 20:05

thought you had a Fathers Day dinner all planned for tonight?

Just dinner... nothing big. An hour, forty five minutes?

Where are your children today?
DH went to pick them up in the morning. They've been round the house most of today.

OP posts:
rosesandflowers1 · 17/06/2018 20:09

Don't wobble, OP, he does need to get a different job and mix with some normal people.

I'm thinking maybe a new atmosphere will be great for him and the fact that he appears fairly eager to look around for jobs means he might be thinking so too.

My DS is also in finance, I chatted to him about your thread today and he said he's never come across such total misogyny/general weirdness you describe at any of the Tier 1 investments banks he's worked at.

I'm hoping this isn't a common sort of vibe so he won't just meet a new group like this again.

Your DH will need to be careful what he says in his new role if he doesn't want everyone to think he's a prick.

Grin

He's genuinely very lovely! Probably doesn't seem like it, but he is!

OP posts:
rosesandflowers1 · 17/06/2018 20:11

I would be very surprised if this was a one off conversation. He randomly decided to go into Ann Summers when he was with a colleague, spilled the beans on your sexlife, colleague says he wants to get his wife into bdsm too then they part ways and never discuss again till it is blurted out over brunch? Nah don’t buy it.

Sorry OP, I think you’ve had a hard time on this thread but if I was you I would be wanting to know a lot more about what discussions were had before making any judgements.

DH assured me that's what happened and I'm going to take that version of events.

I'd be pissed at him regardless so he doesn't really have a huge reason to lie.

OP posts:
helforddreams · 17/06/2018 20:13

Your descriptions of how your DH and you communicate is just so formal. Maybe it is your way of writing rather than what is said in reality. But it appears more as a emotionless, stilted script, performed by some very bad actors. Where is the emotion in all this? If English is not your first language then I apologise, but your words are so emotionless it is like reading a text book.

And why do you have to wait to talk to him? You'll talk after his shower, when he comes out of the office, when he wakes up, after dinner etc etc. If I have something so important to say, I say it NOW, not at a time and a place of my DH's choosing. Why does his timetable dictate when you are allowed to discuss things? This too seems so formal as you wait for a window in his diary.

rosesandflowers1 · 17/06/2018 20:18

None of your timings add up..

I stopped posting at six and then said we'd had dinner and a short conversation at seven something.

How long does your family take to eat? Confused

And moreover, why are you checking my "timings"? I'd be more worried about that.

Changing jobs isnt going to change him - and after all that is the issue

I think it might go a long way to helping him change himself however.

I think you have allowed a more insidious balance to creep into your relationship bringing his more unpleasant characteristics to the fore

Him being surprised at me "following through" did make me realise that we'd been knocked off balance.

But we can keep working on it and maybe a new workplace will help.

OP posts:
rosesandflowers1 · 17/06/2018 20:24

Your descriptions of how your DH and you communicate is just so formal. Maybe it is your way of writing rather than what is said in reality. But it appears more as a emotionless, stilted script, performed by some very bad actors. Where is the emotion in all this? If English is not your first language then I apologise, but your words are so emotionless it is like reading a text book.

Really? Confused

I guess on a site looking for advice I'm more interested on ways to handle what happened than putting my feelings across. It would only colour responses, I guess.

Maybe it's unconscious as I am looking more to tell the facts than vent. Or maybe I'm just used to writing very formally in the form of essays/papers.

Who knows? Interesting comment though.

English is my first language.

And why do you have to wait to talk to him? You'll talk after his shower, when he comes out of the office, when he wakes up, after dinner etc etc.

Well, I mean he's working in his office. Not fair to disturb him then. I'd rather he talks to me clean and well-rested and, honestly, I didn't want this to ruin our meal with the DC.

I guess I work around his schedule a bit though which is something to consider. He likes everything done on a quite rigid timetable...

Maybe it's time to change that up a bit. It would be a way of working on his need to control/plan everything.

OP posts:
fascinated · 17/06/2018 20:25

You are American!

rosesandflowers1 · 17/06/2018 20:26

You are American!

I live in the UK, sorry Confused

OP posts:
fascinated · 17/06/2018 20:29

Live in isn’t the same as being UK though.

rosesandflowers1 · 17/06/2018 20:32

Live in isn’t the same as being UK though.

I was also brought up in the UK if that's what you're getting at Confused

OP posts:
AynRandTheObjectivist · 17/06/2018 20:35

I'd rather he talks to me clean and well-rested

Why?

He's genuinely very lovely! Probably doesn't seem like it, but he is!

No, he doesn't. Because he's not. The very fact that you have to tell us this means you know he's not.

Tambien · 17/06/2018 20:36

I don't do anything I don't want to do
Yes you do, you go to his works outings.

Actually you also follow his very rigid routines
You dint want to ‘disturb him’ even though you have what is, for you, a really big issue to sort out
In effect, you are working around him and he wants all the time.
As you said, he has issues with control. And you are going along with it, probably because it’s much easier.
That’s doing what he wants to do, not what you want to do.

fascinated · 17/06/2018 20:36

Your speech patterns and the words you use don’t sound British .