Walked out of DH'S work dinner

[rosesandflowers1]

I went to DH's work party. Was absolutely dreading it anyway but this just tops the cake. It's all on my other thread but the summary is that DH's work friends are mostly arses, and their wives don't like me. I wasn't happy to go but did on the conditions that DH would sit next to me, encourage a whole table discussion and I'd drive up alone so could leave when I wanted.

The most confrontational woman (let's call her Vera or something) and her DH were a bit late so it gave me some time to start making some small talk with some more indifferent wives/mums. We were chatting quite well before she arrived; once she did, the conversation shifted more to her, as it usually does, but she was more interested in compliments on each other's dresses etc. at the beginning. I said I liked the way she'd done her hair, she smiled at that, I thought it wouldn't be so bad, and as it went on for half an hour or so I could see DH was making an effort.

Anyway, the food got passed out and one of the women went to get something and her DH told her to get something else as that was too fatty. She looked vv embarrassed (as I would have been) but went for another option. I was but didn't say anything.

One of the women said "oh, I'm not having any either, I'm on a diet" and that divulged a new line of discussion. One man joked he was going to put his wife on a diet, at which point Vera asked, sugar-sweet, "so are you [DH] going to put [rosesandflowers] on a diet?" I daresay us getting along was too good to be true!

DH I'm sure was a bit shocked but just replied "implying what?" which made her squirm a little. At which point another woman followed up with "oh, he couldn't make her do anything." Not quite sure if she was shit stirring or just making a very valid comment that it would not be my DH's decision to put me on a diet But she's not super important to this really.

DH just smiled and said, "well, of course not" and tried to divert the conversation, but one of his friends who'd already had a bit too much to drink barely a quarter through the evening was determined to follow this up and asked me, "does he not tell you what to do then?"

I said, "no, not really" very blandly and then tried to move on, but he then remarked that that was surprising because of our bedroom activity and followed up with some very graphic details! Essentially DH is very into D/s and I'm happy to let him take on a more dominant role. I'm not happy for him to discuss this in detail - at his workplace! - with the sort of guy who'd blurt this out over dinner! Especially as he knows my views on them and that they're generally very disrespectful to me.

At the point at which the obviously drunk man clearly had no intention of stopping, I excused myself and walked out to go home. DH followed and I told him to stay at the brunch. Was fuming with him at the time and it is pretty important so.

He's still there and likely won't be home for quite some time. Am absolutely mortified and fuming, but honestly I'm feeling quite betrayed as well. I can't believe he'd divulge details like that I'm not sure if I'm BU to be so pissed off and it's possible that it's just embarrassment that I'm taking out on him, but I feel like he's being absolutely irresponsible sharing details of our private life like this. Now I'm home I'm thinking leaving was over dramatic.

So I know what I'm going to say to DH when I come home; WIBU?

I honestly don't know what to make of all this 🤷🏻‍♀️

By what I will say is this- you obviously have no idea what a Dom/Sub relationwj

rose I’m sure that many people have that sort of conversations.
But they have them with their CLOSE FRIENDS, not with work colleagues. Even less so with colleagues who they know tend to behave badly.

You dint go and explain your sex life and be graffic with people who you know will be talking about it and will not respect your and your dw privacy. Doing so is akin writing in your wall on FB (with no privacy settings) and then wondering why people know or talk about it!

The fact he didn’t even THINK about the effect it could have on you shows how little respect he has for you.

By any mean, please talk to him and set your boundaries up.
But you will also have to ask what you prepare to do to protect those boundaries. If he behaves badly again (whatever it might be for you, sharing private details, being controlling etc...), will you be ready to follow through?
If those boundaries are a deal breaker (and tbh they need to be!!), will you be ready to leave if he does fail (again) and isn’t respecting you?

One last th8ng too, why are you ashamed that he shared your sex life with his co-workers? Are you ashamed of the sex life you have with him? Ashamed what people will think of you? If you are, then I don’t think that whatever you are doing in bed with yoUr H is appropriate. You should never feel ashamed of what you do re sex, esp not when clearly your H isn’t.

Opps
Dom/sub relationship is. It's based mutual respect and boundaries. If anyone had ever treated me as a sub like this, they would have been gone in a shot!

You made a point of saying that those women think you're too independent or something - simply because you go to work? Really?

As I said it became more of a picking point after we kind of got carved into two groups... the group I was in being more of a pair. They were quite rude about it at the beginning but I think it was made worse due to the "us" and "them" mentality.

I think my DH would rather eat his arm than have colleagues know about what lingerie he buys for me! It's a personal thing, not "look at me, I have sex, look at me!" I really can't imagine this at all.

Well it's immature and gross, obviously. I'd never tell anyone I knew in a professional capacity about this but then most of my communications with them are through email.

From what I gathered it was a one time brag rather than him telling stories of our sex life like a porno... which is a plus side, I guess. I'm viewing this incident as more horrendously irresponsible (though telling of wider problems) than of an actual desire to share our sex life.

One last th8ng too, why are you ashamed that he shared your sex life with his co-workers? Are you ashamed of the sex life you have with him? Ashamed what people will think of you? If you are, then I don’t think that whatever you are doing in bed with yoUr H is appropriate. You should never feel ashamed of what you do re sex, esp not when clearly your H isn’t.

It's fine. There's plenty of things DH is very much into that I like or don't mind, and vice versa. I don't do anything I don't want to do (and neither does he.)

I guess that while it's fine between us, it's not something I would like to be shared with his colleagues.

It's based mutual respect and boundaries. If anyone had ever treated me as a sub like this, they would have been gone in a shot!

Honestly I'd expect this as a marriage thing, not only a sub thing. He shouldn't share this kind of thing with colleagues!

I always read the last page of a book first.
So, OP does it all end happily ever after? or have you not developed the plot enough yet?
I would be gutted if this was my holiday read, it's rubbish.

I don't do anything I don't want to do

Yes you do, you go to his works outings.

This is just going round on circles 🤪 With every new post the OP minimises and excuses DH's shitty behaviour.

Final suggestion from me: go see a couples counsellor on your own I suspect this will be easy to do because your DH wont go to one as he's resistant to change (and you've mentioned some technicality in the chronology of how this has played out that means recent events somehow don't count 🤯). Work through some of this shit in a safe space, with a suitably qualified independent 3rd party. If your DH will let you. If the counsellor thinks it's appropriate DH can hope on board later down the line if he's willing.

All the best. Enjoy your father's day brunch 😉

According to this article 57% of women and 47% of men talk about sex with their friends - though apparently it wasn't conducted with very long term relationships.

Well I have never discussed my sex life with my friends since I was a teen and they have never said anything to me. It must be everyone else.

Yes you do, you go to his works outings.

I meant in the bedroom

Well I have never discussed my sex life with my friends since I was a teen and they have never said anything to me. It must be everyone else.

Well you're not 53% or 43% of the population

But it was just more of a thing people just do, in a way. I think when you're close to someone you don't usually shy from telling them things.

I saw your other two threads.

Look OP I really don't think he will change. He's just interested in himself and he too thinks like these other people but doesn't admit it to you.

Great advice I was once given was "Don't concentrate at what people say - watch what they do." He's shown you are not more important than these colleagues.

He easily could've said "Bill, that's extremely inappropriate. Do not talk to Rose like that."

Though obviously him discussing his sex life with you is just disrespectful full stop.

I'd have probably came out with "Why be so surprised? Martin loves to dress up in dresses but it doesn't mean he can't wear a suit at work!"

If that infuriated him then we'll, good. Because it's not one rule for him and something else for you.

I think you should LTB - because he won't change and honestly without changing his attitude, never will.

When i first read this thread I felt sorry for OP,having her husband airing their bedroom antics to all and sundry,,

Now 18 pages later I think its all a load of self centred shite,

Not fun and not small by any means, but the sort of thing I'd like to work through rather than ditch him over.

Except you can't work through them, because they're his dangerous and abusive failing. If he won't work through them, then, well, you'll just have to stay married to an abusive cunt.

Now 18 pages later I think its all a load of self centred shite

Now I'm home I'm thinking leaving was over dramatic.

Fuck that, I'd leave him. Who the fuck discusses that type of thing with anyone, let alone work colleagues???

Let alone not having your back with this ppl.

Have you had your Father’s Day meal yet op?

We had our family dinner. It was nice, DH wasn't any different to normal and we had a lovely time with the DC.

Afterwards I was doing the washing up and DH came and put his arms around me & apologised again for being so irresponsible about his friend. I thanked him for the apology.

He said I didn't have to go to the next brunch. I said "no, but will you still be working there then?"

He looked a bit taken aback. It turns out he wasn't expecting me to follow through with the suggestion he left work at all. I must have been an absolute doormat recently because I thought it was clear I was deadly serious!

I repeated that I wanted him to move workplaces. He started he knew I was embarrassed etc. but I said it wasn't just embarrassment, it was the culture there and if he's so changed by it that he'd do something so grossly irresponsible he needs to go somewhere else. I pointed out that generally he was fairly self confident and it was weird for him to try and impress these people so much.

He said it was a long time since I'd given him a direct order like that I said it was a long time since I'd had to!

He sighed a bit and started shuffling but eventually agreed (much less grudgingly) that he'd give job hunting a go. I think it will be a relief more than anything for him if he was feeling pressured to compete with and impress these people.

He agreed we could have a look tonight in bed for possible options and then went to go watch a film with the DC. Will go join them soon.

Thanks for all the advice from everyone. I think the comments on here maybe gave me a push to do something I've wanted to do for a long time It might be a bit rocky at the beginning but am praying that his new job is much much better in terms of atmosphere and culture!

What the fuck, op?

It’s not the sodding workplace that is the problem it’s your DH and his oversharing.

Why should you demand that he looks for a new job anyway?

Hahahaa

What a crock of nonsense

3/10

Well you're not 53% or 43% of the population

But it was just more of a thing people just do, in a way. I think when you're close to someone you don't usually shy from telling them things

I don’t discuss my sex life just like everyone else on this thread has said that they don’t.

a direct order

Huh? He means it's been a long time since you had an opinion?

It’s not the sodding workplace that is the problem it’s your DH and his oversharing.

Why should you demand that he looks for a new job anyway?

Someone else said this was an overreaction ... I do feel a bit odd and controlling. But people were suggesting so many drastic options I felt it was quite tame in comparison.

I just feel it's so weird and horrible there and if my DH is at the point where he's telling them this sort of thing to "impress" he needs to go somewhere better. It definitely doesn't bring out his best qualities.

I think that judging from his pretty quick concession this evening that maybe he wants to leave a bit too.

Tbh I don't think it's necessarily the workplace. He could go to a new place and just gravitate towards the same type of jerk. Unless he intrinsically changes his attitude I don't think a new job will be the panacea you think it will be.

When you gaze into the abyss...

Also, he's a twat. If he ever refers to himself as a Dom, you can tell him he's not a Dom, he's a twat. To be fair, a lot of people do find it difficult to tell the difference, but I don't. Twat twat twat.

Huh? He means it's been a long time since you had an opinion?

To be fair I did just tell him to get a new job!

But I think his utter shock at me following through made me realise perhaps I've been a bit too passive these past few months. Thankfully the rage of Mumsnet has fuelled me

And maybe a "direct order", or a more firm communication of my opinion, was what he needed.