Walked out of DH'S work dinner

[rosesandflowers1]

I went to DH's work party. Was absolutely dreading it anyway but this just tops the cake. It's all on my other thread but the summary is that DH's work friends are mostly arses, and their wives don't like me. I wasn't happy to go but did on the conditions that DH would sit next to me, encourage a whole table discussion and I'd drive up alone so could leave when I wanted.

The most confrontational woman (let's call her Vera or something) and her DH were a bit late so it gave me some time to start making some small talk with some more indifferent wives/mums. We were chatting quite well before she arrived; once she did, the conversation shifted more to her, as it usually does, but she was more interested in compliments on each other's dresses etc. at the beginning. I said I liked the way she'd done her hair, she smiled at that, I thought it wouldn't be so bad, and as it went on for half an hour or so I could see DH was making an effort.

Anyway, the food got passed out and one of the women went to get something and her DH told her to get something else as that was too fatty. She looked vv embarrassed (as I would have been) but went for another option. I was but didn't say anything.

One of the women said "oh, I'm not having any either, I'm on a diet" and that divulged a new line of discussion. One man joked he was going to put his wife on a diet, at which point Vera asked, sugar-sweet, "so are you [DH] going to put [rosesandflowers] on a diet?" I daresay us getting along was too good to be true!

DH I'm sure was a bit shocked but just replied "implying what?" which made her squirm a little. At which point another woman followed up with "oh, he couldn't make her do anything." Not quite sure if she was shit stirring or just making a very valid comment that it would not be my DH's decision to put me on a diet But she's not super important to this really.

DH just smiled and said, "well, of course not" and tried to divert the conversation, but one of his friends who'd already had a bit too much to drink barely a quarter through the evening was determined to follow this up and asked me, "does he not tell you what to do then?"

I said, "no, not really" very blandly and then tried to move on, but he then remarked that that was surprising because of our bedroom activity and followed up with some very graphic details! Essentially DH is very into D/s and I'm happy to let him take on a more dominant role. I'm not happy for him to discuss this in detail - at his workplace! - with the sort of guy who'd blurt this out over dinner! Especially as he knows my views on them and that they're generally very disrespectful to me.

At the point at which the obviously drunk man clearly had no intention of stopping, I excused myself and walked out to go home. DH followed and I told him to stay at the brunch. Was fuming with him at the time and it is pretty important so.

He's still there and likely won't be home for quite some time. Am absolutely mortified and fuming, but honestly I'm feeling quite betrayed as well. I can't believe he'd divulge details like that I'm not sure if I'm BU to be so pissed off and it's possible that it's just embarrassment that I'm taking out on him, but I feel like he's being absolutely irresponsible sharing details of our private life like this. Now I'm home I'm thinking leaving was over dramatic.

So I know what I'm going to say to DH when I come home; WIBU?

I've decided I can't be on this thread any more!

Seriously, it's like having wandered into the twilight zone. Seriously.

This Stepford Wife apathy and 'everything's ok and it's all awful but nice la de da de da' Jesus H Christ, it's like life under anaesthesia - whilst one or more children suffer seeing this bloody weird, odd, strange relationship being played out. Utterly, utterly bizarre and ultimately I feel pointless posting on here as OPs replies are disjointed and obtuse and just bleurgh and aren't going anywhere whatsoever.

Good luck to you and your children OP. Hope at some point you can break out of this saccharine yet controlled and a somewhat abusive world you seem so 'happy' to live in.

Why are people convinced that me not wanting to divorce makes me happy with his behaviour? 

Have you considered couples counseling?

There's so much more than that though.

Well essentially all it is is his control issues. Not fun and not small by any means, but the sort of thing I'd like to work through rather than ditch him over.

Have you considered couples counselling?

Yes, after the situation with DD. But we decided that we'd wait and see if anything else happened before getting professional help.

I don't think this counts as it was technically before.

I'm still a bit anxious about the timetable issue but hopefully that can be resolved.

Let me guess, you're so anxious about it that it will actually prove totally impossible and impractical for him to change jobs....
Absolutely no idea what you want from these threads, OP, but it's definitely not advice. Attention?

Statistics can be used to prove anything.

Well, they aren't quite as credible as people would have you believe. But IME a fair proportion of people discuss sex among friendship groups and so I just did a quick Google search to see if I was wildly wrong.

But IME a fair proportion of people discuss sex among friendship groups

Yes, I think quite a few people under the age of 20 do.

I want advice on how to deal with this as a partnership

It doesn't really sound like you have a partnership. I mean, you're upset and he's in his office not to be disturbed because he's turned this on it head and is now upset with you. Wtf.

And as for that apology, the one you didn't actually receive if it happened at all I'd take it with a massive pinch of salt because the wife made the friend apologise to your husband for upsetting you and DH has passed it along like a baton. That's not how sincere apologies work.

If you aren't leaving him, then you're just going to have to accept that this is your life, because people keen to change don't do it secreted away in their home office in a cream puff!

According to this article 57% of women and 47% of men talk about sex with their friends

With their friends, when they’re young, not with middle-aged work colleagues.

I thought lots of people shared graphic details with friends

There appear to be lots of things you thought prior to writing this thread - mainly stereoptypes - which have nothing to do with reality.

If you’re going to try to blag about worlds you have no experience of it would pay to do some research. And bear in mind there may well be people around who do have experience of them.

I think the thing is, it’s not particularly normal or desirable for your husband to discuss your sex life with work colleagues. It seems more normal where he is now, along with fat shaming wives and what ever else. Hence my suggestion you tell him to get a job with normal decent men around who don’t do that.

Let me guess, you're so anxious about it that it will actually prove totally impossible and impractical for him to change jobs....

The timetable issue isn't really about possibility/practicality but about me wanting to spend time with DH and for him to spend time with the DC.

After he got promoted to a certain position he started to spend inordinate amounts of time at work and I wanted to spend time with him and for him to spend time with the children. So eventually he went in to speam to his boss and he managed to sort out a much nicer timetable. Which I doubt would be reproducible at a new company.

It wouldn't be impossible exactly. My job is super flexible so it wouldn't cause any problems with our daily routine. But it would likely strain our relationship and family dynamic a bit which obviously I don't want.

Like most, I'll have to work through it.

Absolutely no idea what you want from these threads, OP, but it's definitely not advice. Attention?

Uhuh.

Do you not think things are already strained?

I used to discuss graphic sex stuff with friends in the past. We all used to share stories in great detail. And I'm not talking about when I was very young, I'm talking when we were in our late 30s. To me it's not that unusual. It's obviously not appropriate at work, but with friends I dont see it as a big deal.

Definitely see a difference between talking about sex in a non-graphic way with very close friends, and discussing it openly with work colleagues.

Just wondering if anyone listens to My Dad Wrote a Porno......?

When DH is working from homeand in a bad moodhe likes to remain undisturbed

So even now, when he's let you down and broken your trust, you still don't feel able to interrupt him and have to wait till he's ready?

You asked how to deal with this as a partnership. That's not going to happen. It's not how he sees things.

I mean, you're upset and he's in his office not to be disturbed because he's turned this on it head and is now upset with you. Wtf.

Couples fight. Not the end of the world. And he does generally work in his office Sunday afternoon to evening anyway.

I think the thing is, it’s not particularly normal or desirable for your husband to discuss your sex life with work colleagues. It seems more normal where he is now, along with fat shaming wives and what ever else. Hence my suggestion you tell him to get a job with normal decent men around who don’t do that.

Obviously that's not desirable in the slightest. But he has said he'll look and he is a man of his word, so hopefully he'll be out of here soon.

*there, not here

Grown men don’t discuss their sex lives with friends or colleagues if they are in serious relationships. Which the statistics you posted agree with. They are irrelevant to your situation because they are about men who are not in serious relationships. And I’ve hard how those conversations go - spoiler alert, the men are being disgusting and disrespectful.

He's not a man of his word. He said he'd look after you at the brunch and look how that turned out!

So even now, when he's let you down and broken your trust, you still don't feel able to interrupt him and have to wait till he's ready?

Well he is working. It's not like he's just gone somewhere to ignore me.

You asked how to deal with this as a partnership. That's not going to happen. It's not how he sees things.

If necessary, I'll have to remind him.

But we are a partnership. I married him, he married me. So we work through it together and make sacrifices for each other if needed.

And I’ve hard how those conversations go - spoiler alert, the men are being disgusting and disrespectful.

I'm not saying DH should share those details or that it's not disgusting or disrespectful. I'm fuming that he did! But I was interested when many posters said that nobody really engaged in that kind of talk. Like I said, IME it often happens.

He's not a man of his word. He said he'd look after you at the brunch and look how that turned out!

He did everything he promised about the brunch. The fact that he divulged details about our sex life was before that promise, and not after, although it was totally irresponsible and dickheaded.

You give him another chance then, hen.

OP can you relate at all to why this all might sound a bit fictional?

On the previous thread there was all the obsessing over the other wives who are SAHW and what they may think / say? In real life, why would you care about any of them? Who are they to you?

You made a point of saying that those women think you're too independent or something - simply because you go to work? Really? As I say, I haven't worked in 16 years and I know many women in that kind of set-up. It would never occur to any of us that going to work or not has anything to do with "independence" or the balance of power in a relationship I think all this is in your head, not anyone else's.

My DH is ex Eton / ex banking as well and I've come across some tossers in my time, but NOBODY who brags about S&M and drags a colleague into Ann Summers of a lunch break How old is he - 40s? I think my DH would rather eat his arm than have colleagues know about what lingerie he buys for me! It's a personal thing, not "look at me, I have sex, look at me!" I really can't imagine this at all.

Also, nobody would let their wife leave a dinner and then go back and carry on. What kind of impression does that give off?

If this is actually true, just don't feed the nonsense. If you don't want to go to an event, don't go. Don't obsess about people you don't particularly like, but don't make sweeping generalisations about these kind of wives either. Tell your DH that to get a grip. Bragging about D/s only makes him look like a silly little man. Discussing your wife and sex life is very ungentlemanly and people will not be impressed by that. Tell him he needs to man up and acquire a sense of integrity, otherwise you can have no respect for him. That's all you can say really.