Walked out of DH'S work dinner

[rosesandflowers1]

I went to DH's work party. Was absolutely dreading it anyway but this just tops the cake. It's all on my other thread but the summary is that DH's work friends are mostly arses, and their wives don't like me. I wasn't happy to go but did on the conditions that DH would sit next to me, encourage a whole table discussion and I'd drive up alone so could leave when I wanted.

The most confrontational woman (let's call her Vera or something) and her DH were a bit late so it gave me some time to start making some small talk with some more indifferent wives/mums. We were chatting quite well before she arrived; once she did, the conversation shifted more to her, as it usually does, but she was more interested in compliments on each other's dresses etc. at the beginning. I said I liked the way she'd done her hair, she smiled at that, I thought it wouldn't be so bad, and as it went on for half an hour or so I could see DH was making an effort.

Anyway, the food got passed out and one of the women went to get something and her DH told her to get something else as that was too fatty. She looked vv embarrassed (as I would have been) but went for another option. I was but didn't say anything.

One of the women said "oh, I'm not having any either, I'm on a diet" and that divulged a new line of discussion. One man joked he was going to put his wife on a diet, at which point Vera asked, sugar-sweet, "so are you [DH] going to put [rosesandflowers] on a diet?" I daresay us getting along was too good to be true!

DH I'm sure was a bit shocked but just replied "implying what?" which made her squirm a little. At which point another woman followed up with "oh, he couldn't make her do anything." Not quite sure if she was shit stirring or just making a very valid comment that it would not be my DH's decision to put me on a diet But she's not super important to this really.

DH just smiled and said, "well, of course not" and tried to divert the conversation, but one of his friends who'd already had a bit too much to drink barely a quarter through the evening was determined to follow this up and asked me, "does he not tell you what to do then?"

I said, "no, not really" very blandly and then tried to move on, but he then remarked that that was surprising because of our bedroom activity and followed up with some very graphic details! Essentially DH is very into D/s and I'm happy to let him take on a more dominant role. I'm not happy for him to discuss this in detail - at his workplace! - with the sort of guy who'd blurt this out over dinner! Especially as he knows my views on them and that they're generally very disrespectful to me.

At the point at which the obviously drunk man clearly had no intention of stopping, I excused myself and walked out to go home. DH followed and I told him to stay at the brunch. Was fuming with him at the time and it is pretty important so.

He's still there and likely won't be home for quite some time. Am absolutely mortified and fuming, but honestly I'm feeling quite betrayed as well. I can't believe he'd divulge details like that I'm not sure if I'm BU to be so pissed off and it's possible that it's just embarrassment that I'm taking out on him, but I feel like he's being absolutely irresponsible sharing details of our private life like this. Now I'm home I'm thinking leaving was over dramatic.

So I know what I'm going to say to DH when I come home; WIBU?

In all honesty I think I might be worried about sex in general. And accepting anything he buys elsewhere.

So we're back to him buying sex??? Or am I misunderstanding and this is more Ann Summers delights?

Have you never heard men discuss lingerie or their wives or their sex life before?

Er, no. Decent men don't discuss that sort of thing. The fact that you have, and think it's normal, just shows how disordered your thinking is.

BTW, he's not going to change his job. So what are you going to do then? Even if you force him to fill out application forms, he either won't go to any interviews, or will interview badly so he's not offered the job. He will only change jobs when HE wants to, and you're deluded if you think he'll do it for you.

I agree, Motoko. That's teenage boy bravado/ insecurity circlejerk territory (in which case it largely means 'OMG! Someone had sex with me!') not the conversation of well-adjusted adult professionals in the workplace or over a work dinner.

So we're back to him buying sex??? Or am I misunderstanding and this is more Ann Summers delights?

I meant that a) I don't really like the idea of sex with him at the moment and b) I'll feel weird accepting gifts from him now just in case he had a friend in tow.

A bit irrational maybe but I feel a bit betrayed by this.

Decent men don't discuss that sort of thing. The fact that you have, and think it's normal, just shows how disordered your thinking is.

I'm not saying it's good to discuss these things randomly. I'm saying that the sad reality is that men do. They talk about their wives and partners and random girls on the street - and it doesn't sound anything like she posted. And most women, unfortunately, have heard men talk like this.

It is a norm in our society - normal doesn't mean right.

Even if you force him to fill out application forms, he either won't go to any interviews, or will interview badly so he's not offered the job. He will only change jobs when HE wants to, and you're deluded if you think he'll do it for you.

Why would he sabotage interviews just to spite me?

It's not deluded to ask this of him. At least I don't think so.

Colleague would have been wearing whatever was in my glass for daring to speak that way.

Partner would have returned home to a new lock and his stuff on the porch.

it doesn't sound anything like she posted. And most women, unfortunately, have heard men talk like this.

I don't think that's true at all. I haven't -- in my 45 years, in a variety of professional workplaces, many of them dominated numerically by privately-educated men, on three continents. I also went to Oxford, to a college full of OEs and OHs, so my life isn't exactly devoid of men with elite educations. And I just asked my husband, who works in a freakishly macho, male-dominated industry related to sport, and spends a lot of time working abroad in entirely male environments, and he said he'd never come across it, unless it was 'kids in the mailroom'.

And yes, my bit earlier about some ghastly Ann Summers Crotchless Wet-Look Whatsit was intended as a joke. Also because I'm honestly having difficulty imagining a bunch of well-educated professional men or women sitting about during their working day and sharing lingering descriptions of underwear they had bought their spouses, and how good it looked on without sounding like the cringy bit of the AS catalogue. What exactly is it you've overheard them saying?

Colleague would have been wearing whatever was in my glass for daring to speak that way.

Partner would have returned home to a new lock and his stuff on the porch.

From what I've gathered the man's wife has given him the verbal embodiment of a glass over the head Which makes me feel a bit better.

Again, not divorcing DH or locking him out of his house.

What exactly is it you've overheard them saying?
Men will talk about women and make remarks about their legs and bums and boobs etc. which I'm sure everyone has heard before. Men often talk about women's perceived sex appeal, partners included.

In relation to partners, yes, I think it's fairly common for men to discuss their sex lives just as women often do. What she was wearing, toys they used etc. etc. Not in a workplace certainly but among friends.

it doesn't sound anything like she posted. And most women, unfortunately, have heard men talk like this I haven't either, and I likewise work in a male dominated industry, have lots of male friends, familiar with Oxbridge and the City etc. It's just not done OP. Even 20 years ago that kind of thing was a lawsuit waiting to happen.

WTF?
No normal men dont discuss what sex toys they use with their partners.

Anyway its getting boring now - is anything else going to happen or have we reached the natural conclusion with just "we will talk some more and my silly billy annoying yet fundamentally nice husband will need to make some changes"?

Gosh! I started reading your post thinking "Why would anyone walk out of their DP's work lunch? How rude!" I ended by thinking "OMG I am not surprised you walked out - that is totally unacceptable of him and how awful". If my OH did that to me I'd really have to consider whether I wanted to stay with him, what we do in bed is completely private. Sorry no advice to give you, but just wanted to know that I think his behaviour was horrible.

In relation to partners, yes, I think it's fairly common for men to discuss their sex lives just as women often do. What she was wearing, toys they used etc. etc. Not in a workplace certainly but among friends. It's really, really not.

Anyway its getting boring now - is anything else going to happen or have we reached the natural conclusion with just "we will talk some more and my silly billy annoying yet fundamentally nice husband will need to make some changes"?

Unfortunately it's not done for entertainment purposes It's not a soap opera!

When DH is working from home and in a bad mood he likes to remain undisturbed so I doubt much will happen until 4 at the earliest.

No normal men dont discuss what sex toys they use with their partners.

They don't?
I thought most people discussed sex in some way with friends.

It's just not done OP. Even 20 years ago that kind of thing was a lawsuit waiting to happen.

I don't mean in a workplace - even I know it's inappropriate there. Just with friends etc.

I dont know, i mean im a 31 year old woman and i may vaguely skim over sex in the context of having a specific question or issue but i dont sit down with my girlfriends to be like "so guess what girls, DP fucked me up the arse last night" you know?

You know what this keeps reminding me of? Badly written Harry Potter fanfic by US teenagers

Did you know that 50 Shades started out as Harry Potter (or was it Twilight) fanfic?

I don't think that's true at all. I haven't -- in my 45 years, in a variety of professional workplaces, many of them dominated numerically by privately-educated men, on three continents. I also went to Oxford, to a college full of OEs and OHs, so my life isn't exactly devoid of men with elite educations. And I just asked my husband, who works in a freakishly macho, male-dominated industry related to sport, and spends a lot of time working abroad in entirely male environments, and he said he'd never come across it, unless it was 'kids in the mailroom'

Agreed. My first post on this thread asked the OP what sector her DH worked in, which, she declined to answer.

The idea that a 40something man in a professional workplace would try to impress his colleague with S&M tales is one of the very least likely elements in this literally incredible story. If he was pariticularly silly 15 year old, ok.

Did you know that 50 Shades started out as Harry Potter (or was it Twilight) fanfic?

It was Twilight I think awful series.

I thought lots of people shared graphic details with friends.

You post unpleasant details about your DH’s treatment of you and then seem to take masochistic pleasure from posters’ shock, happily repeating that you have no intention of ending the relationship. I’m not sure what else you can be getting out of these threads.

This^^

I'm out of here. This is all self serving tripe, imo

They talk about their wives and partners and random girls on the street - and it doesn't sound anything like she posted. And most women, unfortunately, have heard men talk like this.

It is a norm in our society - normal doesn't mean right.

No, it's not. I've just asked my DH if they talk about sex and their wives in his (all male) office, and he gave me a confused WTF look and said no, and the only similar thing he remembers, is when he was at uni and one guy was bragging about his girlfriend and showing round a polaroid of her in her undies. He thought at the time what the guy was doing was odd.

It's not deluded to ask this of him. At least I don't think so.

I didn't say you were deluded to ask him, I said you were deluded to believe he will change his job because you've asked him. He has no intention changing his job.

So how long are you going to give him to do that, before any consequences? Or will he just say he can't change it and you'll just acquiesce?

"I thought lots of people shared graphic details with friends."

You & your husband & his workmates-who he seems to consider friends are obviously well suited then.

This is all self serving tripe, imo

Why are people convinced that me not wanting to divorce makes me happy with his behaviour?

I don't want to leave my DH over a humiliating evening. I want advice on how to deal with this as a partnership.

If me working through our problems isn't enough of a soap opera for you, by all means go.

So how long are you going to give him to do that, before any consequences? Or will he just say he can't change it and you'll just acquiesce?

If he says he hasn't found any positions I'll be happy to look with him until he has.

I'm still a bit anxious about the timetable issue but hopefully that can be resolved.

"I don't want to leave my DH over a humiliating evening."

There's so much more than that though.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/amp19942940/talk-about-sex/

I did a quick Google because I was a bit shocked that apparently most people don't do this.

According to this article 57% of women and 47% of men talk about sex with their friends - though apparently it wasn't conducted with very long term relationships.

Regardless, it's eased me a little that this isn't so strange. I think in almost every friendship circle I've been in since I was about fifteen there's been an element of sharing

"I thought lots of people shared graphic details with friends." Er, no. For a start, unless your friends are young and Hollywood gorgeous, any image of them shagging, let alone static cling and spanking, is MINDBLEACH grim.

Statistics can be used to prove anything.