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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask to drop DC at a party early?

440 replies

TrickyTrickTrick · 16/06/2018 09:07

DC (8) has been invited to a party. It is on the same day as a local event we were planning on attending as a family (we already have tickets for it). DC is desperate to go as it is one of their good friends. If relevant tickets purchased last week, invite is only a week's notice from party date.

I know the mum to say 'hi' to, occasional playground chat, the friend has been here for dinner etc but I do not know the mum 'well' as such. She seems nice, but quite shy/quiet.

Party is about 10 mins from the local event, it is a party at the child's house. I would also have to dip out of event early to collect DC and then re-park at event and re-enter. So probably missing about 45mins ish of the event.

WIBU to ask the mum if i could drop DC half an hour early? This would allow us to get to the event close to the time we originally planned to get there (we have other DC who are excited to go to the event), so only disrupting our family day out in the middle when I go to collect, rather than at the start as well.

WIBU to ask her? or does this make me a CF?!

OP posts:

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 18/06/2018 17:04

I honestly must be missing something .. everyone getting mad about a child coming 30 mins early.. to a childs party??? Shes not asking her to adopt the kid.. jesus some peoples heads are so far up their own asses

Yep, you are missing something. 'Everyone' is not 'getting mad' about it. They are debating it and talking about their thoughts on it.

People have different opinions. That's it.

BertrandRussell · 18/06/2018 17:08

“One extra for 30mins, arranged in decent time (not just rocking up early) at a typical party is fine. But if you're throwing a party for 40 and 6 of the parents phone an he before hand wanting to drop and run, then no way.”

But this thread is about the former, not the latter........

CheeseyToast · 19/06/2018 02:18

Yes but there's been a fair amount of discussion since then

Mikklehaha · 19/06/2018 09:03

I wonder if the difference in reaction to this thread may be due to the difference in coping strategies between people with just the one or two children and those with two, three or more / extended / blended families. Maybe it’s a bit like the PFB thing, you just become more chilled when you are used to having a number of children around.

SoyDora · 19/06/2018 09:19

I only have 2 young children and no extended family but I often do childcare favours for friends and they for me so half an hour is absolutely no big deal at all.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 19/06/2018 09:39

Mikkle I have 3 children, now teenagers and came from a large family. I've thrown loads of parties at home. I was nearly always asked if children could arrive early, stay late or both. When it's more than one parent asking and you know you'll get a couple of unannounced early arrivers too ( without fail,always happened to me) then I'd say Yes but inwardly groan a bit. I just saw it as adding another hour or so to the length of the party.

For that reason I wouldn't ask another parent this. I'd rather inconvenience myself. I probably am a bit weird but I hate asking for favours like this.

I definitely don't think you should assume all party hosts should do this for your child without question and call them "uptight, weird, with their head up their arse" if they don't want to. What a nasty attitude.

FrayedHem · 19/06/2018 10:12

Maybe it's because either DH or me (currently DH) has always worked on a Saturday that I see party logistics can be difficult. I have lovely in-laws who've so far always been able to help, but I am aware not everyone has that and if it means someone my DC wants at their party can come, I'll do what I can to make it happen. And yes I can tell my children "no" and it's not a word I'm shy of using! Just sometimes it's nice to say "yes" to all of them for stuff they consider fun. I'd be really embarrassed if the OP's other children had missed out on their activities at the event/the party child couldn't come for the sake of not wanting to ask me.

MachineBee · 19/06/2018 10:42

I just used to expect people to arrive early and pick up late. If you expect and plan for things, then they cause less stress when they happen.

I’ve organised grown up parties and on occasion a couple turned up an hour early and I was so pleased as I was running way behind. They were mortified but I just said I needed help and they got stuck in.

Life is too short to overthink this kind of stuff.

MachineBee · 19/06/2018 10:43

I was new to the area and several years later they are good friends.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 19/06/2018 10:56

I see your point Machine you sound very laid back about entertaining.
It's a bit off topic, but I must admit, I'm disorganised and if people turned up an hour early for a grown up party I'd probably still be in my pants blow drying my hair, searching the kitchen for extra plates and trying to Hoover.

When guests arrive I like to pretend I haven't spent the last hour stressed, swearing and wishing I hadn't invited them

askerorguesser · 19/06/2018 11:43

I really wish I could make it compulsory for everyone to read this article: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2010/may/08/change-life-asker-guesser (it's worth clicking through to the original web post too).

This thread shows so clearly that MN (and everyone really) is divided into Askers and Guessers: those who think it is fine to ask and wouldn't mind if the answer is no, and those who think it horribly rude to ask because you might put the person you have asked into the awkward situation of wanting to say no but not being able to.

Quite seriously, that Guardian column did change my life - and it's not very often anyone says that.

Cath2907 · 19/06/2018 11:47

I'd be fine with this - would keep my DD out of my hair whilst I was setting up..

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 19/06/2018 12:12

That Asker Or Guesser article is interesting.
I'm definitely a Guesser. I will avoid asking any favours if there's a chance it will put the person in an awkward position. I think I'll always be like that.

What complicates things is that Askers assume people will say No if they wish. However, a lot of people (particularly sadly women) are conditioned to please others rather than themselves so won't be honest.

askerorguesser · 19/06/2018 12:48

ILostIt Askers would say that what complicates things is people not saying what they mean. I agree that women are often conditioned to please others - but this whole thread has shown that there are lots of women who are Askers too - happy to ask, happy to hear the answer 'no', as well as lots of Guessers who would feel forced to say 'yes'.

I am an instinctive Guesser - but now feel much better saying no to Askers because I know they won't mind. And I spend time trying to work out which one people are, so I know if I can ask them a favour directly or not.

Loyaultemelie · 19/06/2018 13:30

For a close friend like that I'd tell you to drop early and pick up after event as my dd would rather have her friend and I wouldn't be too bothered (and I hate people in the house so if I'm not bothered most people probably wouldn't be!) To be fair though I'd probably nerf them out on the trampoline and to eat crisps after while we cleared up

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