My mother has informed me I am to be disinherited

[Piecatcher]

This afternoon I phoned my parents (spoke to my mum) to ask about arrangements for Father’s Day this weekend. Before I could speak, she told me that she is going to her lawyers this afternoon to sign her will. Apparently I’ve not to expect anything but my sister and my 2 sons will be very well looked after.

I am unsure what to do with this information. I am incredibly upset at being cast aside like this but not because of the lack of money. I find it so hurtful that my parents think so little of me that they would do this and given that we have a good relationship and are in regular contact I don’t understand why. She made a similar statement a few years ago and when I asked her why she was doing this, she told me that all I care about is money and called me mean and selfish. I’ve tried speaking to my dad who tells me I’m too sensitive and my mum is only joking.

How should I proceed with this? There have been many other similar incidents over the years and I’m now considering cutting contact as I find it hard to deal with the hurt and confusion her comments cause. AIBU reasonable to do this? How should I proceed?

Shumpalumpa has it spot on.

I must be pretty weird then. No interest in money. I don't see why if people did need more money, why they would stalk their elderly relatives, likes vultures till the elderly relatives died, rather than trying to get it themselves. It must be very hard for a lot of elderly people, wondering if their relatives are only visiting etc in hope of an inheritance or cash hand out. Also it must be hard if the same relatives keep going on about inheritance and that,or are spendthrifts and you worry if you left them your earned money etc, they would spend it like water.

@Fuglywitch have you actually read the thread? The mother gets off on the fact she can use inheritance as control. The OP isn't arsed about the money, just confused why her mum is not treating her the same as her sister. Why would one sister get it, and the other just be overlooked for her sons. What has she done wrong etc.

was pleased to have a fab relationship with my adoptive mum who i was a carer for
Yet she left everything to her blood child.
Kind of a two fingers up from the grave isn't it?! Did the blood child do the care duties?

I don't see why if people did need more money, why they would stalk their elderly relatives, likes vultures till the elderly relatives died, rather than trying to get it themselves.

Again, who is doing that? Certainly not the OP. Are you actually making specific comments about the op's situation or just treating us to your general opinion on matters of inheritance?

Miladam
That must have hurt. I'd like to think the blood child halved the legacy with you.

It’s not about the money, it’s about the fact that your mum happens to have chosen her money as a stick to beat you with.

It’s absolutely cuntish, unless you have done something terrible.
You sound like you genuinely don’t understand why she has done it though.
Either way, she is doing it deliberately to make a stir and to hurt you.
I would strongly have to consider massively distancing myself or NC altogether if someone was that hell bent on hurting me.

@fuglywitch - sorry, but the woman who brought you up left you out of her will?!?? My son is adopted. I am his mother; end of. He will get inheritance as he is my son. Your mother was incredibly unfair and the fact you accept that is incredibly interesting.

Miladam
That must have hurt. I'd like to think the blood child halved the legacy with you.
Wasn't me but Fugly-I quoted her.

My 4 will be left a quarter of whatever there is.
I don't care what situation each of them is in. It's the only fair way to do it. It says that you value them the same.

Op, ignore those bleating on about 'family's it's own reward' etc. They're lucky enough not to have had to deal with this gaslighting crap. Because that's what this is, the thing about you being selfish etc is actually your DM's own weird ideas about money and power that she's projecting onto you because they are too uncomfortable for her to own for herself. I know how this screws with your head, because I've been there too. You can't reason with it, because reason is for normal people. And such people likely will take any attempted appeal to their better nature ('I want a better relationship with you) as a sign of weakness on your part. What you can do is gracefully ignore - or at least do a good impression thereof. That will drive her crazy. Perhaps in time you might even feel compassion for her, as I do for my DM when she tries this kind of nonsense - if only because inside her head clearly is such a miserable, angry and paranoid place. I hope this helps!

I don't see why if people did need more money, why they would stalk their elderly relatives, likes vultures till the elderly relatives died, rather than trying to get it themselves

It isn't about that. It's about parents hurting people from beyond the grave ~ it's like saying, you deserve nothing because you don't count!
I say that as somebody who was left nothing from either parent, because they had nothing to leave. I do have something to leave and my children will get the benefit of my hard work and savings when I die, and it will be equal shares.

I hate the "I'm only joking" thing, "can't you take a joke", to silence or diminish people who call others on their hurtful/sexist/racist/bullying/ comments.
Maybe a direct: "well, that's a hurtful joke - why would you want to point out how little I'm valued so bluntly?"
Anyway, I'd push back against the "it's only a joke" bullshit; call them on it. Very hurtful, and it sounds like it's part of a pattern. I'd be pulling way back from all of them.

I would be incredibly hurt, not about the money but that she could actually say what she said to you. I don't understand how people can be so cruel. I would have to ask her what sort of mother gets pleasure from hurting her own daughter as she has hurt you. Your DF is not much better as he's her enabler.

I don't know about going NC but I would not be contacting them, let them call you. I would also forget Father's Day this year and things would be a tad frosty for a while.

I wish you well.

@Strongmummy
sorry, but the woman who brought you up left you out of her will?!?? My son is adopted. I am his mother; end of. He will get inheritance as he is my son. Your mother was incredibly unfair and the fact you accept that is incredibly interesting.

It rather depends on the individual case and the reasons for adoption. I have an adopted sibling who has their own large inheritance from their birth parents, so if my parents do leave any inheritance it will be shared between their birth children. My adopted sibling might get a token amount but certainly not an equal share any more than we got a share of their parents estate. We are all happy with this arrangement.

So it’s the classic narcissist/golden child/scapegoat triangle.

The only thing you can do is walk.

I saw my mum go through this for years with my aunty and grandma. They tortured her emotionally all her life, even when she was in agony with terminal cancer.

My grandma tried to use me as a pawn by saying she’d leave me money not my mum. I told her to go fuck herself, that I’d seen her pull this shit for years with my mum and she was making a big mistake if she thought I’d react to it the same way my mum did. I never spoke to her again. My aunt sent me a cheque from my granma’s estate and I sent it back.

My DPs haven’t pulled any of this shit, but they’v certainly been less than ‘ideal ‘ over the years. Not very engaged or interested in me, only interested in seeing me (once I left home) to the extent that it was me making the effort. In my case it was DM that was prepared to visit etc very occasionally, but generally went along with whatever DF wanted.

A couple of particular incidents through it into sharp relief, and at one point I developed depression. While this wasn’t the only reason, I realised I’d basically spent my whole life (I was by then 40) trying to get their approval, and feeling like I was falling short but never knowing how to ‘make it right ‘.

I concluded that for my own mental health, I needed to take a step back. I would stay on cordial terms but no longer try to engage emotionally. Suggest meeting up occasionally, but not try to persuade them if (as has often been the case) they gave the impression of CBA.
It has been slightly more difficult in the last couple of years since having DD: they don’t seem to have softened much with her birth (their only DGC), but for her sake I’ trying to keep a relationship going.

Tell her ‘I hope you have a funeral plan, as I’m not parting with a penny’.

OP, that's heartbreaking. I don't think it's about the money at all. It's an awful thought to think that this pivotal, central person in your life wants to leave you with the final message that you are worth less than your sister.

I actually had a word with my mum about this as she'd always said that my brother would get the lions' share. I realised that it would hurt me enormously, because of the symbolism. I expect nothing at all because of their financial circumstances and their excellent health, but if he got £50 and I got £10, I think it would make me wonder about what they really thought of me for the rest of my life. I would doubt their love and that's too sad to think about it.

MY mother used to do this as a means of control. I’ve been NC for 11yrs now.

A big hug to you.

I didnt wait around for them to tell me I was disinherited but that was a card my mom would surely have tried.

The solicitors in my mother’s town must love her, I don’t know how many times she has changed her will, normally because I have stood up to her, she is definitely a narcissist.
I have told her I couldn’t care less what she does with it, she likes dogs so maybe Battersea will get a nice windfall.

I don't see why if people did need more money, why they would stalk their elderly relatives, likes vultures till the elderly relatives died, rather than trying to get it themselves.

Cool story, bro.

I have no idea what it's got to do with the thread.

There is a history of emotional abuse from my mum and they have always preferred my sister.

This explains everything.

Interesting to see Fugly completely disregarding this because it doesn't suit her agenda to portray the OP as a money grabbing vulture.

Hey Fugly, IT'S NOT ABOUT THE FUCKING MONEY!

OP sorry that your mum treats you like this. Perhaps you should have some time away from her.

I think you are completely and utterly BU. I'M in the minority..... my kids are my everything and so are my siblings..
They deserve inheritance..
Why are you so much entitled????

I experienced the same thing. My father had a very successful business and when he died, my mother went out of her way to put everything on my brother's name.