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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mother has informed me I am to be disinherited

379 replies

Piecatcher · 15/06/2018 20:32

This afternoon I phoned my parents (spoke to my mum) to ask about arrangements for Father’s Day this weekend. Before I could speak, she told me that she is going to her lawyers this afternoon to sign her will. Apparently I’ve not to expect anything but my sister and my 2 sons will be very well looked after.

I am unsure what to do with this information. I am incredibly upset at being cast aside like this but not because of the lack of money. I find it so hurtful that my parents think so little of me that they would do this and given that we have a good relationship and are in regular contact I don’t understand why. She made a similar statement a few years ago and when I asked her why she was doing this, she told me that all I care about is money and called me mean and selfish. I’ve tried speaking to my dad who tells me I’m too sensitive and my mum is only joking.

How should I proceed with this? There have been many other similar incidents over the years and I’m now considering cutting contact as I find it hard to deal with the hurt and confusion her comments cause. AIBU reasonable to do this? How should I proceed?

OP posts:
MsMotherOfDragons · 15/06/2018 21:25

Sorry, weird question -- but is she a narcissist?

letsallhaveanap · 15/06/2018 21:25

Just dont react. Shes doing it for a reaction and to exert control. Just change the subject and act uninterested.

YANBU to be hurt but take the high road and dont engage with this petty bullshit.
Flowers

Fuglywitch · 15/06/2018 21:25

I feel sorry for elderly people with family hovering around expecting an inheritance. Spending time with your family and caring for them, should be done without expecting money. I would be pleased my sons were thought of. Maybe I'm unusual in being not being money greedy. A lot of people seem to be money grabbing,or live lavishly expecting their parents to leave a big inheritance to pay the debts incurred by doing so. In this ladies case i would say I've no desire for an inheritance, i just want to build a better relationship with you mum. This would go down far better than saying I'm upset your not leaving me an inheritance and proving your mums ideas of you as money grabbing etc to be true.

Havabiscuit · 15/06/2018 21:26

Something similar happened to my DH recently. It’s awful.
It’s not about the money ( after all, by the time parents die it may well be our children that benefit anyhow). It’s the message from beyond the grave!
Talk to your sister. How do you think she will feel about this? Also pp who said “ tell her in front of your dad”. Good idea!

jollyoldsoul · 15/06/2018 21:27

I'd be tempted to 'joke' that you are relieved to not have to pretend to love her anymore now the inheritance isn't up for grabs.

jay55 · 15/06/2018 21:27

Tell her you don't give a monkeys about the inheritance, and she needs to find a new way to try and destroy your relationship.

LighthouseSouth · 15/06/2018 21:29

If you think she's doing this to be hurtful, then I'd go NC. As a "joke" or weird manipulation tool, it's unforgivable.

If she keeps telling you it because it's true, then I'd go NC because WTF!!

TheLionRoars1110 · 15/06/2018 21:31

You need to accept that she can do whatever the heck she wants with her money: if she gives you a fiver it's free cash. Great! If you get nothing carry on as you are.
You are not helping yourself by asking about this. She's told you she thinks you're greedy. By asking her you are confirming that impression.
I appreciate this is upsetting for you but you have no right to know what's in her Will and you shouldn't ask her or your DF.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 15/06/2018 21:35

The OP wasn't asking about it. Hmm

alreadytaken · 15/06/2018 21:36

well I sort of get why you are upset but if you dont need the money and your children get a share then why let it bother you? So you could just respond with "why do you feel the need to tell me that, what you do with your money is your business." Then change the subject.

OhOfCourse · 15/06/2018 21:36

Do you have siblings? Can you get their POV? as she may have told them the same thing?

It's not about the money, it's the fact that it's a shit thing to say to your child. Get to the bottom of it and if don't like what you find go NC for your sake.

I've never given that advice to anyone but I feel so strongly about this on your behalf.

BettyBaggins · 15/06/2018 21:36

What does your sister think?

Fuglywitch · 15/06/2018 21:37

Agree 100% with thelionroars1110. If your mother already thinks of you as money grabbing, this just reinforces that impression. As i said before say to your mum, ive no interest in an inheritance, but i would like a better relationship with you. If you manage that, stop going on about money etc.

DuchessofSuccess · 15/06/2018 21:39

Call her bluff. DON'T show her you are hurt because of the money.
That really is weird!

Abra1de · 15/06/2018 21:40

Only on MN are people told to rise above it and not expect inheritances.

I can tell you from painful experience that if things are not perceived as being left fairly in wills it causes terrible upset.

Those who don’t receive as much for no good reason they understand (one child having done more to help elderly parents/having particular needs, for example) can feel very hurt and resentful unless they are saints or rather dim.

LapsedHumanist · 15/06/2018 21:48

I’ve got zero tolerance for this kind of bullshit. It’s emotional abuse.

Fall out with relative, go NC and tell them they’ll get nowt. Fine, it’s honest (as long as reason for falling out is legit).

Maintain good relations with relatives and treat them all fairly (whether this is sensible division or leaving it all to the cat home bar momentos) also fine.

I can also see sense in skipping a generation if the middle generation is well set up- but only if this happens consistently.

Any kind of divide and rule or exerting pressure is just hideous.

Only circumstances I can see that are legit that are even vaguely like this is if one child is an inveterate drug/alcohol/gambling addict and parent says “I’ll love you, have you in my life, support you but whilst you are in the throes of addiction I can’t leave you money”.

alreadytaken · 15/06/2018 21:50

well my OH has been treated unfairly in wills - and not let it cause terrible upset. We have enough, we dont need inheritances and we arent moneygrubbing or "rather dim". Family is more important than money.

letsallhaveanap · 15/06/2018 21:50

fuglywitch youd actually be happy to be told youd been cut out of a will?
Yeah its nice her sons will get something.... but you cant see the massive insult here? Its not about the money its about ringing up and telling someone that they wont be getting anything despite every other member of the family getting something... can you not see how that is malicious and designed to hurt the OP?

Miladamermalada · 15/06/2018 21:51

I'd go no contact for this.
Not about the money.
It sounds like you're the scapegoat child and she's a total narcissist. Martriarch and wants control over everyone, but really just wants to know everyone's business and gossip.
Trace this back to childhood and there will be a clear pattern which is painful to see. You obviously don't need her because you don't feed the need for drama. This is her creating some.
I'd ignore her and your dad. He's an enabler, weak and pathetic.

Fuglywitch · 15/06/2018 21:52

Yet if a parent leaves more to the child or person, who took most care of them, the other children still expect an equal share of an inheritance. As so often turns up in court cases. As i said before, people are so money grabbing. No wonder a lot of people go stuff this, don't fill a will out and leave more problems. So long as person is of sound mind, it shouldn't be allowed that people can try to seize more out,than what was their share in a will.

Cornishclio · 15/06/2018 21:52

I think the issue here is the mum has deliberately told the OP she is being disinherited in favour of her sister and sons because she perceives her as being greedy and money orientated. Why even bother telling her if this is what she thinks? Why not just go ahead and do it? I think it sounds like your mum wants and expects you to make a fuss and get upset about it which either means she is happy to hurt you or she likes the drama of a family upset. Neither option puts her in a good light and regardless of the money I would find it hard to care about her in the future.

I am not sure I would tackle this with your DF but would certainly attempt to rise above it and just ignore it. It would definitely affect how I felt about my DM if I were you though and would put some distance between us.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 15/06/2018 21:53

Family is more important than money well yes, but the mother is at fault here for using her Will to cause pain to her daughter. A statement like that deserves an explanation.

Twillow · 15/06/2018 21:54

What are your relationships with your father and your sister like? Is there any possibility of early dementia in your mother, or do you feel she has always disliked you? I can understand how hurtful this must be, but it sounds like there is a difficult relationship between the pair of you and frankly, a lot more information is needed to understand what is going on here.

user546425732 · 15/06/2018 21:54

It's the same for me, I am disinherited. Now I'm expected to run around sorting out care homes and a million one other things but I've told my sister that the responsibility goes along with the inheritance.

SandyY2K · 15/06/2018 21:55

If she's said it previously, just tell her you heard the first time and she's no need to say it again.

I don't understand these kind of parents tbh. Has she ever suffered with mental health issues?