My mother has informed me I am to be disinherited

[Piecatcher]

This afternoon I phoned my parents (spoke to my mum) to ask about arrangements for Father’s Day this weekend. Before I could speak, she told me that she is going to her lawyers this afternoon to sign her will. Apparently I’ve not to expect anything but my sister and my 2 sons will be very well looked after.

I am unsure what to do with this information. I am incredibly upset at being cast aside like this but not because of the lack of money. I find it so hurtful that my parents think so little of me that they would do this and given that we have a good relationship and are in regular contact I don’t understand why. She made a similar statement a few years ago and when I asked her why she was doing this, she told me that all I care about is money and called me mean and selfish. I’ve tried speaking to my dad who tells me I’m too sensitive and my mum is only joking.

How should I proceed with this? There have been many other similar incidents over the years and I’m now considering cutting contact as I find it hard to deal with the hurt and confusion her comments cause. AIBU reasonable to do this? How should I proceed?

Yes I've left out of a will. My adoptive mum left everything to her own flesh and blood. Quite rightly as it was her and her husband who made the money and up to them who they left it to. Ive said before this lady needs to stop banging on about inheritance and playing into her mothers ideas of her. She should be asking if she and her mum can have a better relationship.

Is money all you care about? Can your mom be called reasonable for saying as much?

Does your sister have children?

Inheritance-talk hurts because children think inheritances are proportionate to their parents’ love for them. This is not always the case. I’d establish if this is the case before you go around saying things like no longer putting up with this.

Wow I’m amazed at the people who think this reinforces the impression of money grabbing. I would rather they both spent it on a holiday and fancy car than leave me anything. The hurtful part is that they are actively excluding one family member (me) for no good reason that I can see. No addiction problems, no huge difference in financial status between sister and me, I see them more than sister and fully intended to care for them in their own age. There is a history of emotional abuse from my mum and they have always preferred my sister.

she told me that all I care about is money and called me mean and selfish.

Is it?
Are you?

It's not about the inheritance, it's about being treated differently and people who should love you trying to hurt you.

OP doesn't come across as money grabbing at all.

Any decent sibling would split it two ways after death anyway. I know I would in a heartbeat.
You are seen as lesser than OP. Your sister is the golden child and probably subconsciously scapegoats you and sides with your parents, especially I bet makes excuses for your mother.
Please get some therapy and read up on Freedom Obligation and Guilt and narcissist parents.
None of this is you and the posters telling you you are greedy can fuck off as they've obviously never lived in this kind of toxic set up.
You will be so much better off on your own x

There is nothing like money to cause immense upset in families. It isn't the money, as you say, it's what the money represents. Love, provision, recognition. When parents are elderly they can become more spiteful, more irrational, be influenced by other people who don't have the best motives. Family dynamics become magnified. Communication is often poor. It is really sad. It would be lovely to say ' I don't care what you do with your money' but really, most of us do care. Because it's the last thing our parents do for us. The last gift, the last provision they make and if it's withheld, unfairly distributed or squandered that really does pack an emotional punch.
I think you need to speak directly to your mother and tell her how much what she says as a 'joke' hurts. It isn't a joke, tell her this is unacceptable. Ask her what she means , what she's really trying to say, maybe with your father present. If she truly means to disinherit you, how can you continue to have a relationship with her? I wouldn't if I were you.

Sorry to hear about the emotional abuse OP.

I get the impression you’ve discussed the inheritance / lack of on a few occasions with your parents. Some people find it ghoulish, my parents would probably (jokingly) accuse me of trying to off them if I kept discussing their wills.

But, if it’s part of an abuse dynamic, and you’d know better than any of us, step away and don’t engage in it. Don’t ask any more.

You do keep going on about inheritance and fair shares not about having a relationship with your mum. It does make you sound money grabbing in my opinion. I love both my mums and was pleased to have a fab relationship with my adoptive mum who i was a carer for and my birth mum. Didn't expect nothing financially from my adoptive mum nor do i expect owt from my birth mum. Family is far more important than money.

I endorse what cherrytrees says.

I have always tried to treat my children fairly and I have already made a will to that effect.

I don't go with the 'only joking' thing. The first requirement of a joke is that it's funny.

I hate on these threads when the “you’re being grabby” and “spending time with family should be it’s own reward” lot get on their soapboxes.

It’s not about the money, it’s the gesture and what it says about how they felt about you.

Also, it’s easy to say money isn’t important when you’ve got plenty of it, but to many people a bit of extra money could make a huge difference to their quality of life, in the real world money is important and it’s naive to pretend it isn’t.

Spending time with a family member who's deliberately cruel and who taunts you can't possibly be a reward!

I'm pretty much in a similar situation to you OP
My parents have used the "divide and rule" on me and my siblings, dangling the carrot of inheritance, despite the fact I've told them for the past 20yrs I want nor expect nothing, my siblings on the other hand cannot wait to feast on my parents corpses.
I've told them all to stay away. I won't be going to any of Family members funerals, none. I've now disowned both the controlling parents and parasitic siblings

Life is much much calmer

The lure of money to siblings other halves has been grotesque to watch

Absolutely vile!!

but your "share" of the money is going to your children. I'm afraid it does sound money grabbing to want it to come to you instead. Do you think both you and your children should inherit? If not how would your children feel if you told them?

Fuglywitch I appreciate your responses. I’m interested to hear how you think I can improve the relationship with my Mum when I said in my original post that I phoned today to make arrangement to spend time with them only to be told that I’m being disinherited?

Op, you haven’t done anything wrong. Your mother is a cow. This can’t be the first time she’s been this nasty, can it?

It's definitely not about the money, anyone with a bit of cop on can see that.

You don’t sound money grabbing, you sound hurt by your weirdo mother.

I’m incredulous that people think her behaviour is normal. It isn’t.

I would just say something like 'no worries it's immaterial really because your assets will probably be sold to pay for your care when you're no longer capable of living independently'
And actually you're quite relieved that you won't be the one that has to do all the house clearing and checking out of junk after they go

If they complain about your lack of compassion just say you're only joking

Alreadytaken whilst I understand your reasoning, surely the context of the conversation shows that the comment was made in order to cause hurt? That’s the issue here, not the money.

What is the back story here? If she is leaving an equal inheritance to your DC, they are part of you, so I don't really get why you are upset - probably because I don't know the full background.

I think you should take a step back in this relationship Piecatcher. After this weekend, tell your parents they can do whatever they want with their money that you aren't interested in her will or who is in it. Take the power away from her, as she sees this as a stick to beat you with.
It's time your sister took on a closer role with them and their plans for old age, seeing they prefer her.

My mum frequently tells me she is leaving me nothing and it will go to my son. We are close, see each other every week and speak or message almost every day. I am her only child.

I don't care about the money - I am not money oriented apart from what it does to keep my family housed, clothed, fed and happy.

I know why she is doing it, she disagrees with my decisions in life.

I just ignore or laugh away her comments. I won't let it spoil our relationship. But yes, I am hurt because she is using it to make a statement about how she feels about my life.

So, OP - I get you. But I would say that you need to put it aside and work on having the best relationship with your parents that is possible

So long as person is of sound mind, it shouldn't be allowed that people can try to seize more out,than what was their share in a will.

Who is doing that?

Ive said before this lady needs to stop banging on about inheritance and playing into her mothers ideas of her. She should be asking if she and her mum can have a better relationship.

Why would she want a better relationship, the Mum has clearly said it to hurt the OP. Why should she want to have a closer relationship with someone that hurts her on purpose.

Narcissists frequently use their Wills as a means to control family because they’re confidential yet reveered. It’s a threat and an attempt to convey how they feel about someone, although the cost of repeatedly changing a Will is actually quite prohibitive and infrequently carried out as a result.