My mother has informed me I am to be disinherited

[Piecatcher]

This afternoon I phoned my parents (spoke to my mum) to ask about arrangements for Father’s Day this weekend. Before I could speak, she told me that she is going to her lawyers this afternoon to sign her will. Apparently I’ve not to expect anything but my sister and my 2 sons will be very well looked after.

I am unsure what to do with this information. I am incredibly upset at being cast aside like this but not because of the lack of money. I find it so hurtful that my parents think so little of me that they would do this and given that we have a good relationship and are in regular contact I don’t understand why. She made a similar statement a few years ago and when I asked her why she was doing this, she told me that all I care about is money and called me mean and selfish. I’ve tried speaking to my dad who tells me I’m too sensitive and my mum is only joking.

How should I proceed with this? There have been many other similar incidents over the years and I’m now considering cutting contact as I find it hard to deal with the hurt and confusion her comments cause. AIBU reasonable to do this? How should I proceed?

My mother did similar to me with the 'help' of my sisters who truly are the most money grabbing, bitter and spiteful people I've ever known. Both are utterly driven by money and judge people entirely on how much their houses cost. I'm pretty sure that thinking they'd hurt my feelings was an added bonus to them getting half each rather than one third of whatever our mother left. The thing is that I never wanted to profit from either of my parents passing, and repeatedly aired this view every time they'd bang on about the will. I wanted nothing from any of them and sure as hell didn't want to have to thank them for anything. Therefore, they had no power over me and no way to upset me.

Tell your parents that it's glaringly obvious what was said wasn't in the least bit meant as a joke, and it's beneath all of you for them to lie in that way, making excuses for your mother's behaviour. Let them know that you have zero interest in becoming a beneficiary and that you hope it's the last you'll hear of it.

If they can accept that with some semblance of grace then there's hope for your relationship. If they throw it back at you or continue to lie, then I would walk away without looking backwards. Don't allow that malignant behaviour continue as eventually it will extend to your children. I am speaking from experience, I wish I'd gone NC before it directly affected them. Good luck.

Give this news a "royal silence" and treat them with the same kindness and respect as you have always done.

That won't be easy, but you will walk tall knowing you did nothing to dent your dignity in such tough circumstances.

This isn’t meant to hurt you. It’s meant to control you. My husband’s father used to do this. My husband told him to F off, he neither wanted nor neede his money.

My MIL used to try to control my husband in other ways and he told her the same thing. He told her the same thing. He ensured both his parents knew these discussions were off limits, but no matter what, he would respect them as his parents. If anything was raised in his presence, he got up and left. His sister was the same with her father. If he was obnoxious while visiting her, she’d take his expensive overcoat and toss it outdoors. Neither had issues with parental control.

She probably says the same to your siblings too.

Coronapop
You could suggest they use your share of the inheritance for their care in their old age

I'm very PA so I'd definitely be giving the wide-eyed "But won't you need that money for the care home, Mum?", and leaving that just lie there.

I don't know how some of you have survived such toxic parents :( Nasty nasty nasty to do that to your own children.

My mother told me that my niece gets everything, not my daughters, they get nothing. She remembers an argument when I was a teenager and that incident [37 years ago] has caused this.

Op what is your relationship with your mum like generally? Is she nasty all the time? My mum says awful things to me, and I have learned the best way to to make a joke of it. I like the oh good then I Don't have to pay for your funeral. If she keeps saying it, wait until she asks you to do something and say no, ask my sister, she's getting all the inheritance it's her job.

I dint know why your mum would feel the neeed to tell you apart from trying to controll you to 'gain' it back.
Tell them to stick it. Shes possibly bluffing unless youv done something they are hugely upset by.
My dad constantly tells me about some money he will give me when i buy a house when he wants me to do things. But i have to have a certain type of house etc. Hes controlling and i told him i dont want it and i dont want to hear about it anymore.

It’s ages since the original posting, but what I should like to say is
“Fuglywitch” has not understood the context in which it was written.
“pie” I hope things are more calm now & that you have been able to deal with your mother’s attitude in a way that proves helpful to you.

It is hurtful the other way too .
My mum left me equal shares with siblings , but told me before she died that she'd never liked me anyway .
I was so hurt that I gave every single penny I received to family members who had helped her, or charities , it felt like I didn't deserve to benefit .It tainted my memories terribly .

I’d just say, oh mum, I’ve just written it and so much more off as a symptom of Alzheimer’s, it’s normal to be confused and sometimes spiteful, and knowing that you couldn’t help it I felt it was best to keep my distance,

But honestly, I’m sorry your mum is so spiteful.

My mother did the same thing and I found it very hurtful. In the end I stayed civil for the sake of my DC and father. She is probably doing it to exercise some power over you - it's hard but try to rise above it.

Is your mother perhaps unwell? I was thinking along the lines of ohsuchaperfectday's mention of Alzheimers.

Quite honestly your mother is a shit and your father enables her terrible behaviour. I agree with other posters in that I’d tell her that she can stick her money where the sun don’t shine and if she continues to talk to you like crap then there won’t be a familial relationship left. I feel for you, Wills are funny things. My mum has been gone for years, my stepdad just over 1 year. My mum left everything to my stepdad and my stepdad left everything to me. My dad’s brother was not amused.....

My grandfather cut my mum out of his will because of her sexuality. They reconciled somewhat about ten years later, but it was always shaky and he continued to be horribly abusive verbally every time they met. She spent the last few years of his life visiting him every few weeks just to receive abuse, while she dealt with the nightmare of all his admin and paying off various debts etc. He never wrote her back into the will, so all his money went to the woman he had had an affair with and left my grandma for (leaving my mum to care for her dying mother while she was in her twenties). And when the OW died all that money then went to OW’s niece. My mum couldn’t give a toss about the money, because she never expected to get anything, but it’s still a punch to the gut when you open the will and your name isn’t there. And yes, it is quite galling to realise that some stranger got a nice little windfall while my mum got absolutely nothing after everything she went through.

Anyway. That’s my little rant. But my experience with my abusive ex was that he said the most appealing thing to me as ‘jokes’ and then used it as an excuse to give me the silent treatment for days on end if I got offended, because I was apparently being unreasonable.

Obviously none of us were there and can’t guess the tone, but I’m struggling to think how interrupting you mid-sentence to tell you you’re being disinherited could ever be a funny ‘joke’. Next time they mention it perhaps you need to play dumb and say ‘sorry, I still don’t get it, what was the punchline??’

I have a sister who controls her children in a similar way. Do you know how many people benefit from her will? I ask because if the estate is to be divided into lots, then it is likely the solicitors will get the lions share if they have to ensure that all the bequests are met. For my part I have left my property to one child because if it is made a trust the lawyers will benefit, together with the VAT on their invoices. I trust the one to do what is right. Perhaps your mother is thinking along the same lines?

My dad did this to me - wrote me out - as I've not seen him in over ten years, I was not surprised. But to get his 'fun' he had to make sure I knew.
I think he was trying to hurt me but also trying to cause trouble between me and my 2 brothers (one now the benefactor, the other also written out). But he failed on both counts.
What it has done is guarantee I will not initiate contact with him in the future in case he thinks my motivation is the money.
Your mum is playing games here - but you don't have to be dragged into the game. Things like this are always about attention and control - if you don't engage with her on the subject, she gets neither.
Ignore the whole thing.
"Mum - it's your money - you should do whatever you like with it."

And repeat.

But do not engage or discuss - if you do, there will be another game along fairly soon as you've made it worth her while.

I looked into challenging my mother's Will just theoretically and, as I understand it, you cannot challenge a Will in England except where fraud or deception is suspected. As my Mother knew exactly what she had done and it was of her own free will there was nothing I could do, although I may not have done it if I could iyswim

I suppose if the children had to go without in order for their parents to pay the mortgage when they were young it would not be unusual for them to share in any profit made. Unfortunately care costs are so high that there will never be any money left to any of our children.

How sad that she feels the need to upset you. And no, it’s not about the money, it’s the act of telling you that she’s choosing to let you know that you aren’t worthy but the others are.
My mother has done this too because she couldn’t control everything I did and I didn’t ring her and see her every day. I’m a full time senior nurse with 3 children, a husband, 3 dogs and a house to keep going!!! She has stipulated that if I contest her will, the whole amount will go to the RSPCA. I love animals so it’s tempting but as she’s left it to my 3 boys I won’t. Although she keeps telling them she’s going to write them out of the will if they don’t do what she wants. She’s fun!!! Oh, and her sister doesn’t talk to her either as she’s so unreasonable.
Good luck with your situation. At least your children will benefit. It would be good if your father was more assertive with her and told her a few home truths but perhaps it’s too risky for his sanity. Tricky.

Hate to say this Piecatcher but your mother sounds like a rotter. About the best response I could come up with is "I'd rather you got the enjoyment of your money while the enjoying is good, if you get my drift. Oh by the way, I picked up these brochures for Care Homes, this one looks nice. Brick, chain-link fence, guards and porridge every day. What, I'm just kidding. Maybe."
I agree with what others have said in that it's a power play. So don't play. Smile, thank her for the information, then carry on as normal. Fake it till you make it. Being a bully isn't anywhere near as fun when the victim won't cry.
Hope you get through this. And teach your kids (I hope I've read everything right and you have kids ) how to deal with bullies in life.

I don’t understand the posters that can’t understand why this wouldn’t be hurtful?

Obviously OP isn’t entitled to anything in the will, it’s the choice of her parents. However telling her about this in that manner was clearly meant to ostracise her and make hurt her feelings. It’s normal for OP to want to distance herself from them as she has now been shown how much her parents dislike/disregard her and how toxic the relationship is. It’s nothing to do with the money.

She's leaving inheritance to your DC though. So is she really disinheriting you? Your DC still get the benefit.

The Inheritance (Provision for Family and Dependants) Act 1975 allows for family and dependants to apply for provision from the estate of someone who has passed away, if they can show that it is needed for their maintenance (and that the estate can provide for it).

Your mother would have to be very clear why she was cutting you out, otherwise you could reasonably contest her will and apply for provision.

Iliot v The Blue Cross 2015

I think your mother's threat is all bluster, particularly if your father is still around, is still married to your mother and unlikely to agree to this.

I wouldn't cut contact, but I would ignore her absurd threats.

Is she trying to provoke you so she can justify cutting you out?