My mother has informed me I am to be disinherited

[Piecatcher]

This afternoon I phoned my parents (spoke to my mum) to ask about arrangements for Father’s Day this weekend. Before I could speak, she told me that she is going to her lawyers this afternoon to sign her will. Apparently I’ve not to expect anything but my sister and my 2 sons will be very well looked after.

I am unsure what to do with this information. I am incredibly upset at being cast aside like this but not because of the lack of money. I find it so hurtful that my parents think so little of me that they would do this and given that we have a good relationship and are in regular contact I don’t understand why. She made a similar statement a few years ago and when I asked her why she was doing this, she told me that all I care about is money and called me mean and selfish. I’ve tried speaking to my dad who tells me I’m too sensitive and my mum is only joking.

How should I proceed with this? There have been many other similar incidents over the years and I’m now considering cutting contact as I find it hard to deal with the hurt and confusion her comments cause. AIBU reasonable to do this? How should I proceed?

Tempting to quip back, 'As long as you're dead mum, that'll be gift enough!' But seriously your mum is saying this to wind you up. On some level she knows it will hurt and given she has form for emotional abuse she is probably trying to provoke a reaction.

So hurtful but her behaviour is a reflection of her not you. I'm sorry OP

My dh's horrible mother uses her will as an act of punishment, She is a domineering woman and controls the family with her opinions and views, We have been nc for several years now.
She is always changing her will if someone offends her. Her final words in a disagreement are usually, 'im taking you out of my will'
I think her solicitor must make quite a bit from her on codicils , popping people in and out,

Not much help to you OP but i feel hurt for you,, and I really dont see how hurting you is meant as a joke,,Maybe your DF says this because he cant think of anything else to explain her behaviour, I hope there is a resolution for you,

AIBU is the wrong place for this. You should have posted in Relationships. And you should have included this in your OP:
“There is a history of emotional abuse from my mum and they have always preferred my sister.”

That’s obviously what this is about. It’s more emotional abuse. She is saying it to hurt you and then saying it’s just a joke so you feel confused as well as hurt, and can’t even challenge her on it.

Read “Toxic Parents” by Susan Forward, it’s good. Maybe check out the Stately Homes thread. Reduce contact.

And for the love of god don’t care for other of them in their old age!!

either not other

Tell her in front of your dad (and ideally sister too) that if she does cut you out of the will you have a right to challenge the will and the distribution in court after her death and that in all likelihood that would mean much would be spent on legal fees and together as a result of you winning some of the money, there'd be not much left for sister and children.

I am sorry you’ve been told this. My mother has threatened this with me in the past. As far as I am aware I am still in the will. But she has appointed my brother and not me as executor and he is violent with me. I imagine things may go missing.

She decided that I’m money grabbing. How ironic when it is she and her son who are obsessed with money. He used to have spreadsheets on my finances. This stopped after he gleefully told me he has them and proudly showed them to me. I was horrified.

My mother used to set me up in situations when I was younger to make me appear money grabbing. I didn’t get a grant and instead of being proud that I was the first child in the family to go to university, I was all manners of evil for expecting money from her.

She said she’d give me her old car for my final degree year when I was a student on my year abroad and subsequently sold it without telling me. Then when I visited at Easter and saw it was missing she acted as though I was money grabbing then told me she’d changed her mind and said she decided she’d match whatever I’d managed to save on my year working abroad. But I hadn’t saved much, I’d had a little bit of a normal life as opposed to a student one, exploring the country, paying for trips back to the U.K. (to visit her and my boyfriend) and going out for a few meals. So I starved myself for 3 months from Easter onwards and managed to scrape together £1k. When I told her how much i had managed to save and tentatively asked her if she was going to match the money, she looked at me in disgust. Her money grabbing shrew of a daughter.

I feel your pain. My brother is the golden child. I’m the scapegoat.

My Mum used to do this every time she had a spat with my brother. He didn't give one fuck and told her so.
She tried to control him and failed.

She's never tried it with me but I have preempted it by saying I'd rather have my parents than their money.

We have a different relationship and I have supported her for many years now while my brother very much just tolerates her.

She not rich by any means and spends money like water so there will be nothing left anyway.

Effendi
It’s understandable that your brother only tolerates your mother if she treats him like this. Is she a narcissist and you the golden child? That would make your brother the scapegoat. Good on him for standing up to her.

OP, I completely get it. The money is irrelevant. If she was disinheriting you both I doubt you’d care.

I agree with pps who suggest shrugging it off and telling her it’s her money to do with as she wants.

@DesignStatement

Tell her in front of your dad

'you are my mum and you can love me or hurt me. You've chosen to hurt me - even after your death.
It's not about the money, it's about you choosing to use money to hurt your own daughter.
It's your choice. I'm your daughter. You've chosen money over me'

I think this is a brilliant response. For me, the relationship would be over. I have two adult daughters, what I have will be left equally between them, I can't imagine doing anything so hurtful to them.

To those really stupid people accusing the OP of only caring about the money, put yourself in the mother's place, instead of the daughter's, and try to imagine doing this to one of your children. Would you do it, and think your child wouldn't be hurt?

I'm afraid I'd go NC. You're only providing her with opportunities to hurt you. Tell both of them what Design says, which is straight to the point, and then cut it. I'm so sorry for what she's done to you, but don't sit still and accept more abuse.

I can't believe anyone thinks you are being unreasonable

My mum used to tell me something similar. In her case she’s frequently tell me that she was thinking of changing her will to disinherit me and my brother and leave everything to the grandkids instead. Like you I’m sure she was saying it to get a reaction/be hurtful.

Her mother wrote her out of her will and left money to me and my brother which I think my mum was furious about. Looking back I wonder if my mum expected me to write a cheque for the money I got from my grandmother and give it to her.? I think my grandmother did it because my mum is very well off and at the time I was surviving on an nhs bursary while training. I remember mum used To make comments about “oh it’s a shame I didn’t get that 20k, it would have made a difference to me”. This is someone who happily buys a new car every few years (pays cash not finance) and at this time was having an extension built, a new kitchen and a new bathroom and was still left with over 200k in the bank! I was struggling to pay the bills.

Anyway me relationship deteriorated over the next few years with my mother to the extent we no longer see each other and haven’t in years. I don’t think my grandmothers will made things any worse, it was bad before.

OP, I certainly get what you mean about it being the thought behind the words/actions which is hurtful. The playing favourites, the wanting to tell you a hurtful thing. Whether she’s doing it because she wants to hurt you, gets a kick out of it, enjoys the power? Who knows? But she doesn’t sound very nice. I would protect yourself emotionally as much as you can. I had to go full NC to protect myself. Other people might be ab,e to somehow tell themselves just not to let the person upset them/get to them, somehow develop a thick skin and let it all wash over you.

Mummy actually when we were kids he was the favoured one. My Mum admits this and says it is because I was my grandmas favourite so they had to make up for that!

I'm a little older and got treated very differently right up till I left home. Different rules, he got more attention re school work, activities etc, I could go on but it's long and boring.

I've often wondered if my Mum has narcissistic tendencies as she is incredibly self absorbed and has little or no thought for others.

Gossips endlessly about the neighbours and people I don't know, yaks on about things she's seen on TV that I'm not interested in, at length. Repeats herself (no Demetria) over and over and rarely asks anything about my life, work etc.

Moans about her life but makes zero effort to change things.

So my brother has stood his ground and they now hardly speak. They are polite when they do but that's it. No Xmas, birthday, Mother's Day from him.

We all have a fantasy of having wonderful parents who love us dearly and do everything right. The reality is your dm..like many others..is far from wonderful and quite a nasty person. Accepting this reality takes the pain away. This says lots about her and nothing about you. Don't engage with it. That takes her power away. Just say.." whatever!" And your dad is as bad.
My grandad constantly told my dm he was leaving her nothing in his will. I remember hearing him as a child. She always laughed, genuinely and said thats grand ..do whatever you want. She continued to care for him in his old age and was by his bedside as he passed with no problem. But l do remember those nasty comments and saw him as mean so his name hasn't gone down too well in family history.
At least if your dcs inherit you can spend your own money now and not be worrying about them. Persuming the old lady has something to leave.
Act like its water off a ducks back. She is not going to change now. Reality not fantasy brings us happiness.

I am an only and my mum has threatened to cut me out of her will on many occasions. She uses money as a weapon.

@Piecatcher thinking about this...I'd never trust your mother again. If she's emotionally abusive, as you say, she could pretend it was all a joke and that she was't disinheriting you at all, only for you to find out later that she'd done exactly what she threatened. She'll be thinking about how to maximise the 'fun' for herself.

And your father is a weed, I'm afraid. Why would he allow her to do this, and excuse it by claiming it's a joke? Some fucking joke. I'd have to walk away, I couldn't allow someone to hurt me like this, and play with my emotions. She's enjoying making you all upset.

Does your sister have children? (Sorry if I've missed that info). So are they leaving 50% to her and your 50% split between your children? It's an odd decision but perhaps they see it as the children who need it but as your sister has none they have to treat fairly? Or they are just emotional terrorists.

OP - what are you going to do?

What can she do? She said she won't put up with it but has no choice.
She can only withdraw to let them know how hurt she is and they will say it's about money. It's not, money is a symbol, for love, care, and actually provides protection against some difficulties in life. Not entitled to inherit at all, but if one is then both should. If it's a wind up it's horrid.
The will can be changed after her death if all beneficiaries agree, what does the sister say? If she dies first will everything go to dad? This will cause a family rift, is that how she wants to be remembered. A nice person would want to leave everyone safe and united.

I think it be tempted to say.

I’m just glad I’m a good parent who would never treat her children differently. And suggest that maybe now she start thinking about care homes she’d like to go into in her old age as being as though she thinks so little of you then you won’t be helping to provide for her in her old age.

Either that or be the bigger person and just say, if that’s what you want then that’s up to you. It’s none of my business!

Hi op, I would go no contact for a while personally. She fully intended to hurt you and your father is enabling her

I'd speak to my sister - your mother could be saying exactly the same things to her. Your mother may be using the threat of no inheritance to keep you both close. Your sister is the crucial relationship here. You can do nothing about your mother.

" I would rather they both spent it on a holiday and fancy car than leave me anything. The hurtful part is that they are actively excluding one family member (me) for no good reason that I can see. No addiction problems, no huge difference in financial status between sister and me, I see them more than sister and fully intended to care for them in their own age. There is a history of emotional abuse from my mum and they have always preferred my sister"

Let me guess. You are the scapegoat, you behave completely nicely towards them and get treated like dirt in return. After a lifetime of being treated like dirt you will do all the care only to be treated like more dirt and run ragged, only to be disinherited at the end of it all.

Show them how little you care about their money and walk away from them for good, they don't care about you, they never cared about you, they never will.

You don't have to put up with cruelty from people just because they are your parents.

I guarantee your life will be better if you just leave the happy couple to it.

'OK, whatever, sis can sort out your care homes in that case'. And obviously when they react you say you're only joking!

I have to laugh wryly at all the obtuse comments about nobody having rights to inheritance. Misses point entirely about the mother's deliberately nasty cutting and manipulative behaviour to poor OP.

I'd spin on your heels and walk away from her, OP. No point trying to reason with a complete bitch, even if she is the person who gave birth to you. So hurtful x