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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mother has informed me I am to be disinherited

379 replies

Piecatcher · 15/06/2018 20:32

This afternoon I phoned my parents (spoke to my mum) to ask about arrangements for Father’s Day this weekend. Before I could speak, she told me that she is going to her lawyers this afternoon to sign her will. Apparently I’ve not to expect anything but my sister and my 2 sons will be very well looked after.

I am unsure what to do with this information. I am incredibly upset at being cast aside like this but not because of the lack of money. I find it so hurtful that my parents think so little of me that they would do this and given that we have a good relationship and are in regular contact I don’t understand why. She made a similar statement a few years ago and when I asked her why she was doing this, she told me that all I care about is money and called me mean and selfish. I’ve tried speaking to my dad who tells me I’m too sensitive and my mum is only joking.

How should I proceed with this? There have been many other similar incidents over the years and I’m now considering cutting contact as I find it hard to deal with the hurt and confusion her comments cause. AIBU reasonable to do this? How should I proceed?

OP posts:
Lifestyleinlondon88 · 15/01/2019 17:45

I don’t understand why people think it should go to her kids just because her sister chose to not have any? I honestly don’t understand. To make it fair it should be passed to her daughters and I’m sure if OPs children were ever in need OP would help. Also when OP dies herself (sorry!) what she has will go to the children anyway. I can completely see why it’s hurtful for OP and why she feels it is unfair. Also going NC when you’re hurt is sometimes the best and most adult thing to do to avoid things spiralling further into nastiness.

Tistheseason17 · 15/01/2019 17:45

Ask yourself if life has been nicer or not since NC. That should answer your question.

FWIW I'm NC from my money obsessed narcicistic DM and after a period of grieving, life has never been better!

gamerchick · 15/01/2019 17:46

And to abandon your elderly parents because of the inheritance? Wow it makes your mother’s words correct then

If my parents deliberately repeatedly provoked me for no reason just to hurt me like that, damn right I would leave them to it in their old age. People can leave money to who they want, it's nothing to do with money. This is a poisonous mother getting her kicks at her daughters expense.

Or so you do this sort of emotional attack on your own kids for shits and giggles?

Jaxhog · 15/01/2019 17:47

I would ignore it. If she brings it up just say:

I'd reply'that's fine mum, you leave your money to whoever you want', change the subject and don't refer to it ever again.

Either she's looking to get a rise out of you, and yes, it's a joke in very bad taste. In which case, the less said the better.

Or she means it, in which case she's being very mean for some reason, and trying to get a rise out of you. In which case, the less said the better.

Nothing you can say will make things better. Just don't rise to it.

Helmetbymidnight · 15/01/2019 17:47

I would have nothing to do with this ‘mother’ and find it astonishing that people think this behaviour is normal or acceptable.

lumpsofitroundtheback · 15/01/2019 17:48

"That's OK, you're not in my will either LOL"

TigerTooth · 15/01/2019 17:58

Does she just mean that sis gets her share and your share goes to the kids? This is the arrangement my mum has for me as we're ok and we can at least skip one inheritance tax by passing straight to grandchildren.

Beautga · 15/01/2019 17:59

I cant understand this my mum was my best friend i miss her every second of the day.We ment regularly and talked about everything never inheritance
When my mom died she left everything equal to.me and my brother.I would give every penny back to have her back
It was the time and fun we had together not the money that i value

Treacletoots · 15/01/2019 18:01

Don't rise to it. My mother said exactly the same to me. My dad then said they hadn't even made a will.

She was clearly trying to provoke a reaction, hurt me or test me in some way. I decided not too long after, after yet another spiteful incident that my life would be better without her in it.

That was a decade ago. I was completely right.

lifebeginsat16 · 15/01/2019 18:05

If this is accurate, it is brilliant that she has provided for your sons to whom your estate would probably pass anyway on your death. It takes the money out of your estate and into theirs just a bit earlier than expected. Thank her warmly for lifting that worry and responsibility off your shoulders then never refer to it again. It would be nice to know she is dividing things evenly between her two daughters though even though one of you is only benefiting indirectly. One further thought - could it be something to do with IHT?

WyfOfBathe · 15/01/2019 18:06

People who think it's about money and greed, like with any gift "it's the thought that counts".
Imagine sitting down for Christmas dinner with your whole family. Your mother goes around the table, giving each person an amazing present. It doesn't have to be an expensive present, but everyone gets something they like or is useful. Then your mother turns to you and says "nothing for you, though." I can't believe that anyone would honestly be okay with that, and not see it as a massive fuck you.

I would rather share £1 inheritance with my sister than get £10,000 and her get £100,000. I would even rather share £1 than get £100,000 when she gets £10,000, because it would change the way I thought about my parents.

-- I would let your mother choose when to contact you. If she wants to talk, she can. You don't need to reach out to her, though.

Whyisareallthenamestaken · 15/01/2019 18:08

What's fair is to split it 2 ways between you and your sister. You've got 2 kids, your sister has none so technically it's not fair on her. I don't see what your problem is.

lumpsofitroundtheback · 15/01/2019 18:09

Whyis you need to RTFT

Chocolate50 · 15/01/2019 18:11

Bloody hell OP thats nasty. I have to say though I have disinherited one of my adult children but then she has made it clear that she wants nothing to do with us over a long period of time so its her choice really. Her share will go to her children when they reach a certain age.
You know its quite difficult to cut someone out of a will. Your DM will have to write a letter placed with the will explaining why she is disinheriting you & normally it has to be a situation like mine where you are estranged completely - or you can easily challenge the decision.... just saying....

dementedmummy · 15/01/2019 18:11

Just a thought - are they/you wealthy enough to be subject to inheritance tax or some form of estate duty? Or rather could they perceive this to be the case with you? If so your mother could be doing this to stop a double charge to tax arising - once on your parents death and once on yours. It's a legitimate form of planning. That being said I generally say to clients when we are talking about skipping a generation to have the conversation first before doing it to avoid this type of animosity arising. Depending on where you live you may have a claim on the estate regardless of the Will although I appreciate it's not the money that's important but the apparent malice in cutting you off with no explanation

KickAssAngel · 15/01/2019 18:23

Given your comment about emotional abuse, my take on this is that:

  1. It was done to make you feel like crap, maybe she does find it funny and laugh to herself when she makes you miserable, but that was a cruel joke at your expense, not actually something funny for you to enjoy with her.
  2. By choosing money, she effectively shut down any discussion from you. This was not an accident, and just made it more frustrating for you.
  3. You didn't engage so now she's prodding, trying to see if she can pull you back in.
  4. You will never change her, or your Dad. Have contact or not, but just build some emotional defenses. If she starts up about the money again, just shrug it off. Anything she says/does that is meant to get to you, just shrug it off. I suspect that you will stop being the butt of her jokes if you just keep out of it.
  5. If she starts picking on your kids, protect them.
Spiderbabe13 · 15/01/2019 18:27

Wow that sucks. How awful to have a parent who clearly has a favourite. I'd not engage in any conversation about it and it think carefully about my future relationship with her as what she has done is nasty.

PinkPanther27 · 15/01/2019 18:28

As a teenager I found out through my brother that our Dad had written us out of his will and was leaving everything to his son with his new partner. I was really upset, not cos of the money, but because it was yet another rejection and showed that he didn't think of me as family. This was one of several incidents where he's rejected me and shown that he favours his new child. He did it in a sneaky way though and probably doesn't know that I know whereas your Mum is blatantly doing it in your face. I would just say yeah whatever, that's fine as it seems as though she's looking for a reaction.

Chocolate50 · 15/01/2019 18:30

Ok so reading your most recent AIBU question I'd do this:
"Whilst I know that what you do with your money is your business, I have been really hurt by your joke that I'm being cut out of your will. I have felt rejected, unloved & very upset by your words. This has made me question whether I'm loved by you & why you would say such a thing"

Then leave it with her. She will either apologise & acknowledge she's done the wrong thing or not. I don't think you can go far wrong if you stick with explaining your feelings rather than who's right or wrong. Just tell her straight or she'll be at it again soon.

Missingstreetlife · 15/01/2019 18:32

There is no point talking about it, she may lie, change her mind anytime.
Just try to keep away from the subject and stop trying to control her.
People who do this are toxic, you don't need it but you can't change other people, only your reaction to them. A bit of breathing space may be good.

Hector2000 · 15/01/2019 18:38

To my mind the key thing is your relationship with your sister. This sort of nonsense can drive a wedge between you. Try not to give your mother another thought - honestly not worth it.

stairs · 15/01/2019 18:40

I've been disinherited too. I'm really happy. I've always known my mum and dad plan to leave our share to our children. Their view was that me and my sister are in our 40s and they can make more difference leaving their money to our children. My sister and I understand they've spent all they could on our childhood (not a fortune, but what they could). I'm actually really touched that our kids get my dad's love and thoughts as he's been gone a while and my kids missed his time. Their money will find a bit of a deposit on my sister's kids houses or a bit of a uni fee for my kids. It's all in the explanation I guess? Hopefully your mum means this. To be honest. I'm not loaded but I hope my.mum spends her money on her now and there won't be much left. It's not my money.

Justaboy · 15/01/2019 18:40

JOOI can you not appeal a will if it seems to be very biased to the one entity than the other/s

Also.

It seems that these days a lot of people are now selling up, serioulsy re mortaging their homes to preovide them to go inot a private care home quite a few of them have sprung up around this way.

Very naice they are too but around £1500 quid a week!??

crosstalk · 15/01/2019 18:45

Go with deafly's 4, I would.

mrshousty · 15/01/2019 18:51

Sounds like manipulation... I would say ignore it, as hard as it would be as I'm sure you feel worthless right now.

Sounds like she's trying to get a reaction from you and she's probably done it with your siblings too and no one has let on x

If you are tempted to say something then try something like, that's ok, i don't love you for your money, i love you coz you're my mum 💖💖💖

Or

I didn't know you had anything to leave 😁